Television is chewing gum for the eyes. ` Frank Lloyd Wright
A 32 bit patch for a 16 bit GUI running on an 8 bit CPU controlled by a 4 bit OS written by a 2 bit company that can not stand 1 bit of competition. 
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
A bad Scrabble player: Inconsonant with bad vowel movement.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. ` (Mark Twain)
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. 
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A company is judged by the president it keeps.
A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to  turn around three times before lying down. ` Robert Benchley
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. ` Winston Churchill
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party!
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
A good example is the best sermon.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ` William James
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.
A hard thing about business is minding your own.
A harp is a piano with no clothes on.
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
A job is nice, but it interferes with my life.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
A lie in time saves nine.
A lie stands on one leg, truth on two.
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A man caught up with this world is not ready for the next. ` John Blanchard
A man does what he must - in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures - and that is the basis of all human morality.  ` John F. Kennedy
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do. ` Bob Dylan 
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
A man who throws dirt loses ground.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
A man's best friend is his dog. ...assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A man's house is his hassle.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is Delirious
A mind is like a steel trap: Rusty, and illegal in 37 states.
A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penny saved is ridiculous
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
A pessimist is a man who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.
A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you did'nt know you had in a way you don't understand.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A recipe for having friends: Be one.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A stitch in time saves nine.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
A topologist is a man who does not know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A truth told with bad intent beats all lies you can invent. ` William Blake
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.
A word to the wise is sufficient, but who can remember the word?
AAAAAA (American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous)
Abdominos: Sit-ups & pizza
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.
Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.
Adult child of alien invaders.
After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.
After all that work, Alex Haley found out he was adopted.
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,  it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed  from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Ah! But does a half-dead cat have Buddha Nature?
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
Alan's Motto: It's easier to make true enemies than true friends.
Alan's Second Law: Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
Alia jacta est. (The die is cast.) ` JULIUS CAESAR after crossing the Rubicon
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock. A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock. A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it and more money for not getting it done!
All men dream; but not equally. ` T.E. Lawrence
All of me is beautiful and valuable...even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
All people have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory. ` motto of the King's Guard in ancient Greece
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
All true wisdom is found on t-shirts. 
All truths begin as blasphemies. ` GEORGE B. SHAW
All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Allow me to introduce my selves...
All's well that ends.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
Always give 100% at work: 12%  Monday; 23%  Tuesday; 40%  Wednesday;  20%  Thursday;   5%  Friday
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
America still has more marriages than divorces...proving that preachers can still out-talk lawyers.
American justice is directly proportional to the amount of money you have and who you know.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last. ` Winston Churchill
An apple a day keeps the doctor from having to remind us that he has not made a house call since 1966.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
An old young man will be a young old man. ` Benjamin Franklin 
An optimist is a person who thinks humorists will eventually run out of definitions of an optimist.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys. 
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Ancient Chinese Curse: May all your wishes be granted.
Ancient Chinese Curse: May you live in interesting times.
And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part that is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
Any day above ground is a good day.
Any effort that has self - glorification as its final endpoint is bound to end in disaster. ` Robert M. Pirsig
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. ` Ben Franklin
Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.
Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any love you can buy won't be worth the price ` Justin Johnson.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Any product cut to length will be too short.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down. 
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
Apparently a teacher has been arrested in possession of compasses, protractors, and a straight edge. It is claimed he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Around here they treat me like a mushroom. ..they keep me in the dark and feed me.
Art upsets, science reassures. ` GEORGES BRAQUE
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote.
As expected, the victorious candidate in a particularly dirty recent political campaign, won by a mudslide.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. ` Einstein
As I said before, I never repeat myself
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...that you're not here to ruin it for me.
As you walk down that great highway of life, ask yourself one question: Why don't I own a car?
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who you can sue.
At 20 years of age, the will reins; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgement. ` Benjamin Franklin 
At my age, i've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Back the metric system every inch of the way!
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Bacteria: They're the only culture some people have.
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Bad spellers of the world -- UNTIE!
Bad thoughts are like germs. Build up your immunity!
Ballerinas are always standing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
Barium: What you do with dead chemists.
Basic research is what I am doing when --- I don't know what I am doing.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.
Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm ` Abraham Lincoln
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush: Leave work at noon!
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature; beautiful old people are works of art.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Before you criticize someone, make sure you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes!
Before you go, I'd like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional ` Roger Crawford
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 
Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Better living through denial.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ` MAE WEST
Beware lest in your anxiety to avoid war you obtain a master. ` Demosthenes
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. ` THOREAU
Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship. ` Benjamin Franklin 
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.
Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. Then all things are at risk. It is as when a conflagration has broken out in a great city, and no man knows what is safe, or where it will end. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
Biology grows on you.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Black Cat Fireworks label: "Caution: flammable. Do not put in mouth."
Black holes suck!
Black holes were created when God divided by 0. ` Mike Gilchrist kf4fdj@amsat.org
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Boldly going nowhere
Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman.
Boren's law: When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
Born free. Taxed to death.
Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo!
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
Bureaucrats cut red tape... lengthwise!
But what...is it good for? ` Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. 
Buy the new Pentium IV so you can reboot faster.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
Call waiting.  Great!  Now all I need are TWO friends!
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Can a mortuary raise the cost of burial and blame it on the cost of living?
Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of G-d?
Can I speak to someone higher up the food-chain please?
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Can I yell "MOVIE!!" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Can you imagine the silence if everyone said only what he knows? ` KAREL CAPEK
Cancer causes statistics, especially in lab rats.
Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Careful; I may be someone important.
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Chemists have solutions!
Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first: Your money or your feet.
Churchill's commentary on man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Clean mind, clean body: take your pick.
Clever liars give details, but the cleverest don't.
Clones are people, two
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Coffee, chocolate, men...Some things are just better rich.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Color...it's just a pigment of your imagination.
Come in. My day was ruined anyway. 
Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away.
Communist (n): one who has given up all hope of becoming a Capitalist.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. ` Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949. 
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.  
Confidence is the strong feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Consensus is the absence of leadership. ` Margaret Thatcher
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.
Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude.
Cooper's Metalaw: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
Cop: Son, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking? Driver: Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Crane's Law: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crittendon's 14th application of Murphy's First Law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Cruel and unusual punishment works better.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Davis' Answer to Roger's Law: Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Death is Nature's way of saying "slow down".
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
Defeat comes when you stop trying. Success comes when you stop failing.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
Democracy is two foxes and a chicken deciding what to have for dinner. ` Unknown
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Design flaws travel in groups.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it... 
Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God? 
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
Diligence is the mother of good luck. ` Benjamin Franklin 
Dinon dina, dit on, du dos dodu d'un dodu dindon.  (Dindon dined, said he, on the fat back of a fat turkey.)
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Discordianism: Where reality is a figment of your imagination
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Disney World: a people-trap operated by a mouse.
Diversity without discrimination is disaster. ` Tiev
Divorced Barbie - On Sale for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do flies get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do hermits have peer pressure?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do I look like a "people person"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? 
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do union matchmakers have to close the cover before striking? 
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?? ` George Carlin
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
Do you believe that if you hear something repeatedly, you'll believe it's true? Do you believe that because you've heard it repeatedly?
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mother-in-laws.
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Do you overthrow a puppet dictator with toy guns?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are NOT a hypochondriac.
Does a person ever get sick without being tired?
Does anyone REALLY read these stupid quotes? ` The SysOp
Does that screwdriver really belong to Philip?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Doesn't it bother you that Doctors call what they do "Practice"?
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
Don's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. ` Ann Landers
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't bother me with facts. I want gossip!
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
Don't expect too much. I was raised on television.
Don't force it, just get a larger hammer.
Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.
Don't mind me; I'm just meandering to a different drummer.
Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. ` H. L. Mencken
Don't play stupid with me. I always win.
Don't question authority if it hasn't got a clue.
Don't take life so seriously, son, it ain't nohow permanent. ` Walt Kelly
Don't take life so seriously, son, it ain't nohow permanent. ` Walt Kelly
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. 
Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. 
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time; for that's the stuff life is made of. ` Ben Franklin
Doubt is brother-devil to Despair. ` JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY
Draw your salary before spending it.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drive carefully. We need every taxpayer we can get.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
Earn cash in your spare time --blackmail friends.
EARTH FIRST!  We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Eat to live; not live to eat. ` Benjamin Franklin 
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work, he lost his nerve.
Editing is a rewording activity
EGGORY (eg' er ee) n. The part of the fridge that holds the eggs.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Ehrman's Commentary Things will get worse before they will get better.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Elevator out of order.  Use one across the street.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
Energy and persistence conquer all thing.  ` Ben Franklin
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Entropy: Not just a fad, it's the future!
Equal rights for all, special privileges for none. ` Thomas Jefferson
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Eschew obfuscation
Eternity. Smoking or non?
Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the etherbunny.
Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
Even hypocrites admire righteousness. That is why they imitate it.
Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.  ` Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders.
Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache, carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or greater Benefit. ` Napoleon Hill
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day we are called to do small things with great love. ` Mother Teresa
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everything depends.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else. ` Will Rogers
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
Expenditures rise to meet income.
Experience is a dear teacher, and only fools will learn from no other. ` Ben Franklin
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. ` F. P. Jones
Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined.
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
Fact: There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.-Aldous Huxley
Failure is not an option; it comes bundled with the software
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Familiarity breeds.
Families are like fudge .  .  .  mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Feed your faith and doubt will starve to death.
Feel safe tonight ...Sleep with a cop.
Fellowship: two fellows, in the same ship.
Ferguson's Law: A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget the whole thing."
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. ` Albert Einstein
Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed. ` Bertrand Russell
Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation. ` Robert F. Kennedy
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
File not found. Should I fake it (Y/N)?
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
First draw the curve, then plot the data. 
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Fish and visitors smell after three days.
Flexible people don't get bent out of shape.
Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others responsibility for all your actions
Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
Footprints in the sand of time are not made by sitting down.
For any happiness, even in this world, quite a lot of restraint is going to be necessary. ` C.S. Lewis
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. ` Bob Wells
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
For every million more readers ages 12 to 19, a magazine has 60 percent more advertisements for beer and distilled liquor ` Journal of the American Medical Association
For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it. 
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Forget the Joneses...  I'm just trying to keep up with the Simpsons!
Forgive and remember.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.  ` John F. Kennedy
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. ` Mark Twain
Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.
FREE THE INDIANAPOLIS 500!!
Freedom defined is freedom denied. ` (Illuminatus)
Freedom from fear could be said to sum up the whole philosophy of human rights. ` Dag Hammarskjoeld
Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one. ` A.J. Liebling
Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.
Friction is a drag.
Friendly fire ain't.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks. 
Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool!
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. ` THOMAS ALVA EDISON
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.  ` Ben Franklin
Geology: Subduction leads to Orogeny
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
Gillenson's Law of Expectation: Never get excited over how people look from behind.
Ginsberg's Theorems: 1) You can't win. 2) You can't break even. 3) You can't even quit the game.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a stick of dynamite, and soon the whole village will be strewn with mud, seaweed, and unidentifiable chunks of fish.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
Give God what is right, not what is left.
Given any problem containing N equations, There will be n+1 unknowns.
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
Glitch happens!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
God does not play dice with the universe. ` Albert Einstein
God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets.
God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.
God heals, and the doctor takes the fee. ` Benjamin Franklin 
God made us sisters, prozac made us friends
God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
God whispers to us in our pleasures, but shouts to us in our pain ` C S Lewis
God works wonders now and then; Behold! A lawyer, an honest man! ` Benjamin Franklin 
Goebel's Law of Rush Hour Traffic: What speeds up, must slow down. But who says it's ever gonna speed up?
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Gotta go! The kids chewed through their straps.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love ` Albert Einstein
Gravity brings me down.
Gravity... not just a good idea: It's the law.
Gray hair is God's graffiti. ` Bill Cosby
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds ` Albert Einstein
Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.
Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Nothing will preserve it but downright force. ` Patrick Henry
Guests who kill talk show hosts ..On the last Geraldo.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
GUN CONTROL: Using both hands 
Half the truth is often a great lie ` Benjamin Franklin 
Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Hard work never killed anyone ...but why chance it? 
Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now.
Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Have a great day...unless you have other plans.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Having been poor is no shame, but being ashamed of it, is. ` Ben Franklin
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
He doesn't have much of a reputation ...or so I've heard.
He that blows the coals in quarrels that he has nothing to do with, has no right to complain if the sparks fly in his face. ` Ben Franklin
He that can have patience can have what he will. ` Benjamin Franklin 
He that is good for making excuses, is seldom good for anything else. ` Benjamin Franklin
He that waits upon Fortune, is never sure of a Dinner. ` Benjamin Franklin 
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who angers you controls you.
He who chops his own wood will be warmed by it twice.
He who hesitates is last.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably several miles from the next freeway exit!
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
He who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.
He who overvalues himself will undervalue others, and he who undervalues others will suppress them. ` Samuel Johnson
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
Headline: Police station toilet stolen! Cops have nothing to go on.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Heaven goes by favor.  If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. ` Mark Twain
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Help Keep the Kitchen Clean ` Eat Out
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
Help stamp out intolerance!
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
HELP WANTED: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Helplessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected; carefully planned projects only twice as long.
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 
He's a fool that makes his Doctor his heir. ` Benjamin Franklin 
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.
Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade. ` Ben Franklin
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
History would be a wonderful thing - if it were only true. ` Leo Tolstoy
Hitch your wagon to a star. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hoare's Law: Inside every large problem is a small problem trying to get out.
Hockey is a game played by six good players and the home team.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. ` Tiger Woods
Honk if you love peace and quiet
Honk if you're rich, cute, and love horses.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
How can "crash course" and "collision course" have two different meanings?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can something be "new and improved"? If it's new what was it improving on?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
How do "Do Not Walk On Grass" signs get there?
How do I set my laser printer on stun? 
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you remove a club soda stain?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be kept hot or cold?
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is "60 Minutes" different from any other TV show? No theme song.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of matches?
How is it possible to have a "civil" war?
How is it that when you eat a 1 pound bag of M&M's you can gain more than 1 pound?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
How long is this beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? 
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented, but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much would they pay the matador if the bull had no horns? 
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless hound.
How small of all that human hearts endure, That part which laws or kings can cause or cure. ` Samuel Johnson
How you look depends on where you go.
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator...never got around to it.
I am a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it. ` Thomas Jefferson
I am as a barbarian here for no one understands me ` Ovidius
I am at one with my duality.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious self-righteous people around me.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. ` A. Whitney Brown
I am not concerned that you have fallen - I am concerned that you arise.  ` Abraham Lincoln
I am not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am one with the universe, on a scale from one to ten.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
I can't complain...but sometimes I still do.
I can't dial "9-11". There's no "11" on my phone
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name." ` Mike Binder
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
I did it! I found the program's last bug! bug bug bug
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to death your right to say it  ` Voltaire
I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones. ` Albert Einstein
I don't believe in Atheists, ..and I'm not too sure about Agnostics.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. ` Groucho Marx 
I don't get even, I get odder.
I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't like being quoted. ` Anonymous
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ` Groucho Marx 
I hate mornings...they're so early!
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I have doubts about disbelief.
I have excellent sleeping habits. When the sun rises, I don't.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate. 
I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. ` Thomas Jefferson
I have the body of a god ...Buddha.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957. 
I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work. ` Ben Franklin
I haven't lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere!
I hope they don't raise the standard of living any higher. I can't afford it now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
I just do what the voices inside my head tell me to do
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 
I know not which lives more unnatural lives, Obeying husbands, or commanding wives. ` Benjamin Franklin 
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I live in another dimension but I have a summer home in reality.
I live with fear every day, but sometimes she lets me go fishing.
I lost my mind, but I'm sure I have it backed up on tape somewhere...
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I may look bored, but there's a Barry Manilow concert going on in my head.
I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth, and they think it is hell. ` Harry S Truman
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country. ` NATHAN HALE
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
I started in this world with nothing. I still have most of it.
I started out in this world with nothing, and I still have most of it left!
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I think I think therefore I think I am.
I think it would be a good idea. ` Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. ` Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943. 
I think vital religion has always suffered when orthodoxy is more regarded than virtue. The scriptures assure me that at the last day we shall not be examined on what we thought but what we did. ` Ben Franklin
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
I think, therefore we have nothing in common.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paycheck.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.
I tried to get in touch with myself, but I kept getting my answering machine.
I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to pick fuzz out of my belly button, but I gave it up for lint.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks, I'm not going that far."
I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway though.
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau, but no one was there.
I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. ` Booker T. Washington
I will prepare, and some day my chance will come.  ` Abraham Lincoln
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
I wish the chemists who successfully removed the lead from gasoline would try the same with our politicians.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't seem to work.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a  weird religious cult. ` Rita Rudner
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, dude! You *don't* want to move there. Ted Moran
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Identical parts aren't.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!
If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.
If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where a bus stops, what is a work station?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? 
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ` Dave Barry
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
If all is not lost, where is it?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If all the people who sleep in church were laid end to end, they'd be more comfortable.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If both of us think alike, one of us is not necessary.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. ` ALISTAIR COOKE
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from??
If everyone were employed, would unemployment officers be?
If fifty million people say a foolish thing it is still a foolish thing. ` Anatole France
If firefighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration... I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
If God did not exist, science would have to invent Him to explain what it is discovering at its core. ` Dr. Allan Sandage, Astronomer
If God is your co-pilot, swap seats.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? 
If I could have time in a bottle, I'd make it a glass bottle. That way, I could, like, see the dinosaurs. ` Dick Bowden
If I give way to pleasure, I must also yield to grief, to poverty, to labor, ambition, anger, until I am torn to pieces by my misfortunes and my lust. ` Seneca (BC3-65AD)
If I had a dollar for every brain you didn't have; I'd have a dollar! ` Squidward
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If I wished to punish a province, I would have it governed by philosophers ` Frederick II
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If I'm right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
If it doesn't kill you, it's probably healthy.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If it looks easy, it's tough... If it looks tough, it's impossible.
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If it works, don't fix it.
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
If life is like a stage, I want better lighting.
If little else, the brain is an educational toy. ` TOM ROBBINS
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If man had created man he would be ashamed of his performance. ` Mark Twain
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. ` WILLIAM SYDNEY PORTER
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
If nobody's perfect and you're a nobody, what does that get you?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said "Quit while you're ahead"?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out. ` Arthur Koestler
If the Earth is the size of a pea in New York, then the Sun is a beachball 50m away, Pluto is 4km away, and the next nearest star is in Tokyo. Now shrink Pluto's orbit into a coffee cup; then our Milky Way Galaxy fills North America.
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
If the NRA is responsible for crimes with guns, The inventor of the internet, Al Gore Is responsible for bomb makers and child porn ` Brian Murphy
If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is near zero.
If the shoe fits, buy it. ` Imelda Marcos
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If thine enemy offendeth thee ...give his child a drum.
If things get any worse, I'm going to have to ask you to stop helping me!
If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humanitarians.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
If we ever forget that we are 'One nation, under God', then we will be one nation gone under. ` President Ronald Reagan
If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat? 
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
If you are living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.
If you are what you do, when you don't, you're not.
If you are what you eat, does that mean the Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you can read this, please flip me back over... ` (seen upside down, on a Jeep)
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing. ` Kingsley Amis
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
If you do what you should not, you must bear what you would not. ` Benjamin Franklin 
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten ` Anthony Robbins
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. ` CALVIN COOLIDGE
If you eat yogurt, you'll have lots of culture.
If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you fall, don't give up, get up! ` Anonymous
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If you get wrapping paper for a present, how do you know when to stop unwrapping?
If you had a million Shakespeares, would they write like a monkey?
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
If you have a kid that never gets into trouble, be on the lookout for huge trouble. ` Rush Limbaugh
If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won even before you have started. ` Marcus Garvey
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
If you hear no evil and see no evil ...call the TV repairman.
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
If you look like the photo on your driver's license, you aren't well enough to drive.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?
If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant ` SNOOPY
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you wait, it will go away.
If you want a place in the sun, you have to expect a few blisters.-Loretta Young
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
If you want the rainbow you have to put up with the rain. ` Unknown
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If you would persuade, you must appeal to interest rather than intellect. ` Ben Franklin
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
If your feet smell and your nose runs -- you're built upside down.
If your path isn't Truth, your destination is a lie. ` Tim Foster
If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If you're happy and you know it, clunk your chains.
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Ignore apathy!
I'll bet the first convenience stores were nothing more than caves where you could buy sticks and rocks and microwave burritos. Art Bugsch
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.  ` Thomas Jefferson
I'm a peripheral visionary 
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm not a complete idiot.  Some parts are missing.
I'm not a minority. I'm an outnumbered majority!
I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.
I'm not in denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?
I'm not really happy. It's a chemical imbalance.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being shot with a Fred Gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
I'm so miserable without you...It's almost like you're here.
I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.  ` Albert Einstein
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
In all human work the wise look for virtues and the fools look for flaws.
In america, anyone can be president... that's one of the risks you take.
In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.
In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level.
In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.  ` Theodore Roosevelt
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
In every organization there will always be one person  who knows what is going on.  This person must be fired.
In exploring relativity, Einstein accidentally discovered that space and time are the same thing. He kept showing up 3 miles late for meetings.
IN GOD WE TRUST (all others must pay cash)
In North Korea, eating a dog is a big night out. ` Rush Limbaugh
In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.  Now that the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. ` Frank Zappa
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. ` Albert Einstein
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. ` Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.
Indecision is the mother of flexibility. ` [Frank Stone]
Individualists unite!
Industry, preserverance, and frugality make fortune yield. ` Benjamin Franklin 
Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete.
Insanity is hereditary -- You get it from your children.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Interchangeable devices won't.
Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
Into every life some rain must fall.  Usually when your car windows are down.
Invent a wise saying and live forever! ` (Anonymous)
IRS  - Be audit you can be!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Is a dermatologist's knowledge only skin deep?
Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning?
Is a metaphor like a simile?
Is a person who quits a church having an out-of-the-Body experience?
Is it okay to listen to an AM radio station after noon?
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in?  ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
Is there an exception to the rule that states, "There is an exception to every rule"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is there another word for Thesaurus?
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It has been said that television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. ` Ernie Kovacs
It helps to not break the Prozac in half.
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. ` Winston Churchill , My Early Life
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a paradox that every dictator has climbed to power on the ladder of free speech. Immediately on attaining power each dictator has suppressed all free speech except his own. ` Herbert Hoover
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
It is better that a man should tyrannize over his bank balance than over his fellow citizens. ` John Maynard Keynes
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. ` EMILIANO ZAPATA
It is better to make a wrong decision than to build up a habit of indecision. ` Tom Wiswell, World Checkers Champion
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one's neighbor. ` Eric Hoffer
It is equally a mistake to hold one's self too high, or to rate one's self too cheap. ` Goethe (1749-1832)
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It is hard to fly with the eagle when you work with the turkeys.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.  ` Anthony Robbins
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It now takes twice as much money to live beyond your means as it used to.
It took a couple of years, but when their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.
It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
It was as beautiful and simple as all truly great swindles are. ` WILLIAM SYDNEY PORTER
It was so different before everything changed.
It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. ` Howard Ruff
It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
It's a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat. ` WILSON MIZNER, comment about Hollywood
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
It's lonely at the top but you eat better. 
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not a REAL sponge cake unless you've borrowed all the ingredients.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it's how he found out.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
I've got a...uh...uh...oh yeah! A photographic memory!
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money.
I've told you seven million times not to exaggerate!
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jesus Christ: The same yesterday, today and Y2K!
Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change.
Jones' Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I 
Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.
Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar. ` Edward R. Murrow
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Just think: In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Keep America clean: Eat a pigeon.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. ` Mark Twain
Keep honking while I reload.
Keep the faith... But not from others!
Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.  ` Robert Louis Stevenson
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Kitman's Law: Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Klipstein's Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." W.Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!"
Lady Astor: "Winston! You're drunk!" W.Churchill: "Yes, but you, my dear, are ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning"
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where's the ceiling?"
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Law after law after law passed with the promise to make Americans and our children safer has failed to accomplish just that. ` Rush Limbaugh
Law of Communications: The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Law of Computer programming: If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Learn from the mistakes of others; You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it...
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
Let your riches consist, not in the largeness of your possessions, but in the fewness of your wants. ` Anonymous
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back in.
Liberal arts major...Will think for money.
Life hands you a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you run out of luck.
Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
Life is a Lambourghini: It goes too fast, and it costs too much.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
Life is complex; It consists of real and imaginary parts!
Life is like a grindstone - whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you're made of. ` Unknown
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.
Life is not so much a matter of position as of disposition.
Life is too serious to be taken seriously.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Life may have no meaning.  Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. ` Ashleigh Brilliant 
Light sabers don't kill people. Jedis kill people. ` Jim Clark
Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves. ` J.B. Priestley
Live and learn, and learn, and learn, and learn...
Live as you wish your kids would.
Living in a vacuum sucks!
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Locksmith: Let me help you out...or in.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...What was I thinking?!
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
Lord, make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is grand. Divorce is 20 grand.
Love, friendship, respect, do not unite people as much as a common hatred for something. ` Anton Chekhov
Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
Macho law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Man is clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. ` Albert Schweitzer
Man must strive, and in striving he must err. ` Goethe
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?  Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.  Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Is this seat empty?  Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?  Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many people spend their health for wealth, and then try to spend their wealth for health.
Many who plan to get their lives right at the 11th hour - die at 10:30
Marathon runners with cheap shoes suffer the agony of defeat.
Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"
Mathematics is music for the mind, and Music is Mathematics for the Soul. ` J.S. Bach
Matilda's Sub-Committee Law: If you leave the room, you're elected.
Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ` George Carlin
McGowan's Axiom: If a Christmas gift is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good w/ketchup.
Memorandom -- message sent to multiple recipients (some of whom may or may not have been intentional targets)
Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Men are what their mothers made them. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
Mental backup in progress: Do Not Disturb!
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Middle age is when you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
MINUTATER (min' u tay tur) The smallest french fry in the bag.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
Moderation is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life
Money can't buy poverty, you have to earn it.
Money is the root of all evil - send $9.95 for more info.
Money isn't everything ...there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Money isn't everything...there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money talks ...and often just says "Goodbye."
Moral: design before you implement.
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
Moses is the only person to have broken all 10 commandments at once.
Most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if it says, "Open somewhere else"?
Most people deserve each other.
Most people operate on a one-track mind with two rails: ME and I.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
Most political jokes get elected.
Most women are not so young as they are painted. ` SIR MAX BEERBOHM
Motivations can fade, but habits prevail.
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Mr. Watson, come here, I want you. ` ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL
Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to the universe.
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's law: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular. ` Adlai E. Stevenson
My doctor says I have the body of a 16-year-old...dog.
My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working. Fred Marcum
My dog is worried about the economy because  Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. ` Joe Weinstein
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
My job is so top secret, I don't even know what I'm doing! ` Tim Foster
My karma ran over your dogma.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. ` Ashleigh Brilliant
My reality check just bounced
My superiority complex is better than yours.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
Nature abhors a vacuum. So does my sister's dog!
Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. ` Abraham Lincoln
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Negative slack tends to increase.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never confuse pretentiousness for dignity.
Never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change the world. "Indeed, it's the only thing that has. ` Margaret Meade
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never give a sucker an even break. ` EDWARD F. ALBEE
Never in my life did I have a lunch box that did not fill me with shame.
Never knock on death's door; ring the bell and run (he hates that).
Never let hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 
Never order barbecue in a restaurant where all the chairs match.
Never pet a burning dog.
Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
Never replicate a successful experiment.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Never use a humongous word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Newton's Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as receiving a income tax refund
Nietzsche is pietzsche
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.
No comment is a comment.
No decision is a decision.
No freeman shall be debarred the use of arms in his own lands or tenements. ` Thomas Jefferson
No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. ` George Jean Nathan
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant.
No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory.
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
No one can make you inferior without your consent. ` Unknown
No one ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
No one ought to be so pessimistic that he can't see some good in other people's problems.
No opium-smoking in the elevators. ` WILSON MIZNER, sign in hotel he managed
No Pain, ...good!
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
No sense being pessimistic; it probably won't work anyway.
Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold. ` Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald, American writer
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
None preaches better than the ant, and she says nothing. ` Benjamin Franklin 
Normal is only a setting on your dryer.
Normal people worry me.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. ` Thomas Jefferson
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Notice: Spelling mistakes above left in for people who need to correct others to make their life fulfilled.
Notice: Spelling mistakes above left in for people who need to correct others to make their life fulfilled.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts: for support rather than illumination.
Oh, Beauty, so old and so new! Too late have I loved thee! ` Augustine
Oh, no! I think I'm a hypochondriac ` Tiev
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
Old age comes at a bad time.
Old bakers never die, they just quit making dough!
Old bakers never die, you just can't get a rise out of them!
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples.
Old musicians never die, they just de-compose.
Old programmers don't die, they just lose their memory.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!
On matters of style, swim with the current, on matters of principle, stand like a rock. ` Thomas Jefferson
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
On y soit, qui mal y pense. (You are what you think.)
Once a generation loses all cultivation, no one remains who remembers what it was, and there is no one either to teach it or remember why it was a good idea.   We are there. ` Fred Reed
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant. So I gave him a pizza my mind.
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
One defeats the fanatic precisely by not becoming a fanatic oneself, but on the contrary by using one's intelligence. ` George Orwell
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One man's red tape is another man's system.
One of the lessons of life is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
One today is worth two tomorrows; never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today. ` Benjamin Franklin 
One who condones evils is just as guilty as the one who perpetrates it. ` Dr. Martin Luthor King Jr.
One who lacks courage to start has already finished. 
Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
Only he who believes is obedient, and only he who is obedient, believes. ` Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of thestore to get their prescriptions.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and keep useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only the shallow know themselves. ` Oscar Wilde
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. ` Robert F. Kennedy
Only two things are infinite, the universe and stupidity...and I'm not sure about the former. ` (Albert Einstein)
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
Opening night: the night before the play is ready to open.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Opportunity knocked at my door, but I was at the pier waiting for my ship to come in.
Optimists are simply pessimists on effective medication.
Optomist: The glass is 1/2 full. Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty. Computer geek: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other. ` John Adams
Our favorite attitude should be gratitude.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. ` Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Paranoia is a terrible thing to waste.
Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding. ` Albert Einstein
Peace is a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. ` Ambrose Bierce
Peer's Law: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof but on the basis of what they find attractive. ` Blaise Pascal
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
People who cough incessantly never seem to go to the doctor -- they go to banquets, concerts, and church.
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim. ` Ann Landers
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will believe I am confident in my successes if I keep the look of astonishment off my face.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues
Perhaps the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection.
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
Physics is experience, arranged in economical order. ` ERNST MACH
Plagiarism saves time.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.  They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Politics: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Poo-Poo happens! ` (bumpter sticker on baby stroller)
Power corrupts and absolute power is kinda neat.
Power corrupts the few while weakness corrupts the many ` Eric Hoffer (1902-1983)
Power is distance; morality is direction. Power without morality is disaster. Morality without power is slavery. ` Tiev
Practice doesn't make perfect. Practicing perfect makes perfect.
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.
Prejudice people are all alike!
Preserve the spotted owl ...in formaldahyde.
Pride does not wish to owe what vanity does not wish to pay. ` La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
Pride is increased by ignorance; those assume the most who know the least. ` Gay (1688-1732)
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog...
Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them. ` Albert Einstein
Procedures designed to implement the purpose won't quite work.
Procrastinate now!
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't feel like it
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Punctual people have nothing better to do.
PUSH. If it doesn't open, PULL. If it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED!
Put not all thine eggs in one basket but diversify among many baskets and speak up about the evils of the capital gains tax.
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Q: What's the most popular form of birth control?  A: The headache.
Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Question your own authority.
Qui trop embrasse mal entreint. (Grab much, gain little.)
Quick, call a witch doctor! My witch is sick. 
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
Real Graves: Here lies John Yeast, Pardon him for not rising.
Real Graves: Here lies Lester More, Shot in the head with a .44.  No Les no more
Real Lawyers: "So you were gone until you returned?"
Real Lawyers: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"
Real Lawyers: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
Real Lawyers: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
Real News Headline: Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Real News Headline: Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Real News Headline: Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Real News Headline: Cold wave linked to temperatures
Real News Headline: Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Real News Headline: Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Real News Headline: If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
Real News Headline: Man is fatally slain
Real News Headline: Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Real News Headline: Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Real News Headline: War dims hope for peace
Real tolerance is deference to all ideas, not indifference to the truth. Ravi Zacharias
Reality Check: A reminder that after any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before the raise.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Reality is Relative.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Reality TV: Watching fake people live fake lives in fake scenarios.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Recursive: adj.; see Recursive
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
Rehab is for quitters.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. ` Napoleon
Remember amateurs built the Ark. It was experts that built the Titanic.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
Remember, "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts".
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
Remember, you can't have everything. Where would you keep it?
Remember: First you PILLAGE, Then you BURN. 
Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads! ` Doc, from "Back to the Future"
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. ` Mark Twain 
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Save our planet; it's the only one with chocolate!
Save Santa a trip--be naughty!
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save the whales! ... Collect a whole set.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Schmidt's Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Science is a cemetary of dead ideas, even though life may issue from them. ` MIGUEL DE UNAMUNO
Science tells use we only use 15% of our brain, but I wonder what we do with the other
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. ` Albert Einstein
Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: "If you can read this, my wife fell off"
Sentence first - verdict afterwards. ` LEWIS CARROLL
Sesquipedaliphobianism: The fear of long words
She's a bird in a gilded cage. ` ARTHUR J. LAMB
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Si six scies scient six saucissions, six cent six scies scieront six cent six saucissions. (If 6 saws saw 6 sausages, 606 saws will saw 606 sausages.)
Sign under a mounted fish: If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be here.
Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.
Sloth makes all things difficult, but industry, all things easy. He that rises late must trot all day, and shall scarce overtake his business at night, while laziness travels so slowly that poverty soon overtakes him. ` Ben Franklin
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
Smile. Keep everyone confused.
Smith & Wesson ` The original point and click interface...
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night. ` William Blake
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink... I prefer just to gargle.
Some days I'm overwhelmed, other days I'm underwhelmed. But most days I'm just plain whelmed.
Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
Some folks wear their halos much too tight.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. ` Emo Phillips
Some people develop eye strain looking for trouble.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
Some people see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not? ` Robert F. Kennedy
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
Sometimes the garbage disposal gods demand the offering of a spoon
Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets oiled, sometimes it gets replaced.
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.
Sound advice- 1: Don't tell people everything you know.  2: ...
Spam is for losers who can't get business any other way
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
Speed Kills! Slow Infuriates.
Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.
Ssshh, I'm trying to remember who I am.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Stating the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men. ` George Orwell
Steele's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something... I believe I'll have another drink.
Steinbach's Guidline: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Stenderup's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Stop the slaughter: Boycott baby oil.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Strip mining prevents forest fires 
Stupidity got us into this mess; why can't it get us out?
Stupidity is its own punishment ` Anonymous
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park elsewhere! 
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
Succeed in spite of management.
Success always occurs in private; failure in full view.
Success is more attitude than aptitude.
Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started.
Success requires no explanations, failure permits no alibis. ` Napoleon Hill
Success: If you have tried to do something and failed, you are vastly better off than if you had tried to do nothing and succeeded.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
Swallowing your pride seldom leads to indigestion.
Sweat is nature's way of saying your muscles are crying.
Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.
Sweer's Impossibility Theorem: Nothing can be both completely general and internally consistent at the same time.
T.V. - Why do you think they call it PROGRAMMING?
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. 
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either! 
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Teachers have class.
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Television brings the family into the same room so that they can ignore each other close together.
Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what the people want. ` Clive Barnes
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Tell a proud man he's wrong and he'll laugh. Show him he's wrong, and he'll learn. ` Justin Johnson
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Text without context is pretext.
That government is best which governs least ` Thomas Jefferson
That hotel was so old, the Bibles were first editions.
That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all.
That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. ` Calvin (& Hobbes)
The absolute nature of the human being is, like war, so vile, so horrendous that any true written depiction of it would be found too horrible to endure, both for the writer as the reader. ` Anonymous
The Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills.
The battle for hearts and minds is fought in the land of the human imagination. ` Russel Kirk
The battle for our hearts and minds is fought in the land of the human imagination. ` Russell Kirk
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best labor saving device is doing it tomorrow.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it. 
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. 
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else.
THE BILL OF RIGHTS (Void where prohibited by law) 
The Blockbuster Entertainment awards were Tuesday: Nicolas Cage won for "Con Air"; Julia Roberts won for "My Best Friend's Wedding"; and I won for "Biggest Late Fee."
The buck stops at the desk over there.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried. ` G.K. Chesterton
The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even down is up!
The cost of liberty is less than the price of repression. ` W.E.B. Du Bois
The country with the most plastic surgeries per capita: Argentina.
The dark ages was caused by the Y1K problem
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
The desire of power in excess caused the angels to fall; the desire of knowledge in excess caused man to fall: but in charity there is no excess; neither can angel or man come in danger by it. ` Francis Bacon
The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ` Unknown
The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
The DREA Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
The earth is full - go home
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.  ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name...
The face of a child can say it all ...especially the mouth part of the face.
The facts--though they may be interesting--are irrelevant.
The fastest growing group of people filing for bankruptcy: People 19-25 years old.
The first degree of folly is to conceit one's self wise; the second is to profess it; the third to despise counsel. ` Benjamin Franklin 
The first duty of love is to listen. ` Paul Tillich, American theologian
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
The Fourth Law of Computing: On a slow day, you can wait forever.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your move.
The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.
The grass may seem greener on the other side, but both sides still need mowed.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men. ` Charles de Gaulle
The greatest horrors of our world, from the executions in Iran to the brutalities of the IRA, are committed by people who are totally sincere. ` John Mortimer
The greatest of all faults is to imagine you have none.
The greatest programming project of all took six days; on the seventh day the programmer rested. We've been trying to "debug" the thing ever since.
The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind. ` General Joe Stillwell
The highway of life is always under construction.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The important thing is this; to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. ` Charles du Bos
The important thing is to not stop questioning.  ` Albert Einstein
The Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
The law must be stable, but it must not stand still. ` ROSCOE POUND
The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
The less a man thinks or knows about his virtues, the better we like him. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
The licentiousness of the press is a fruitful source of the corruption of morals. Benjamin Rush
The light at the end of the tunnel is an onrushing freight train.
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words^Declaration of Independence: 1,322 words^Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. ` Thoreau
The meek shall inherit the earth ...after we're through with it.
The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not much Medicare.
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. ` Plutarch
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
The more I deal with the phone company, the more I understand terrorism.
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. ` Albert Einstein
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The most delicate component will be dropped.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
The most horrifying phrase in the American language is: "I am from the Government and I am going to Help You.
The most important chemistry lesson... never lick the spoon!
The next time you feel like complaining, consider this: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in this world.
The old law about "an eye for an eye" leaves everybody blind. ` Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The only deadly sin I know is cynicism. ` HENRY LEWIS STIMSON
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. ` Salvador Dali
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. 
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
The only reward of virtue is virtue. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ` Edmund Burke
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can. ` Margo Kaufman
The only thing worse than suffering an injustice is committing an injustice. ` Plato
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
The only way communism can survive is to kill people who dissent. ` Rush Limbaugh
The only way to have a friend is to be one. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The past does not equal the future.  ` Anthony Robbins
The past is history, The future is a mystery and now is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ` Unknown
The perfect human being is all human beings put together, it is a collective, it is all of us together that make perfection. ` Socrates
The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.
The Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties.
The plural of spouse is spice.
The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which failed to start because of the following error: 'The operation completed successfully'. ` Windows NT Server v3.51
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
The problem with the technology industry is you don't have to be good, just good enough. And alas, that's just not good enough. ` H t
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money.
The really nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise and is not preceded by a period of worry and depression.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. ` Anonymous
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.  ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
The road to success is always under construction.
The road to success is always under construction.
The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. ` Groucho Marx
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. ` Albert Einstein
The secret to success is sincerity..and once you learn to fake it, you've got it made.
The sign said "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
The six steps in a project:^     1) Unbounded enthusiasm^     2) Total disillusionment^     3) PANIC!!^     4)^     Frantic search for the guilty^     5) Punishment of the innocent^     6) Promotion of the uninvolved.
The slowest checker is always at the quick check-out lane.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
The solution to the problem changes the problem.
The square root of three equals two for large values of three.
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. ` Thomas Jefferson
The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of it's individual parts. 
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
The system is not quite as rickety as I have been telling you. ` RALPH GORIN
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door fumbling for your keys.
The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
The test of courage is when we are in the minority; the test of tolerance is when we are in the majority. ` Ralph W. Stockman
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ` King Edward VIII
The Three Laws Of Thermodynamics, God Shoots Dice Style: First Law: You can't win. Second Law: You can't break even. Third Law: You can't get out of the game.
The three times that most people are in church: When they're hatched, matched and dispatched.
The time is always right to do what is right.  ` Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.  ` John F. Kennedy
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.
The true evil of pride is its recidivism.
The true test of intelligence is not how much we know, but rather how we behave when we don't know what to do. ` JOHN HOLT
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
The truth is violated by falsehood but outraged by silence. ` Old adage
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. ` Harlan Ellison
The ultimate Law: All general statements are false.
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy. ` Martin Luther King, Jr. 
The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The Watergate Principle: Government corruption will always be reported in the past tense.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The world has narrowed to a neighborhood before it has broadened to brotherhood. ` Lyndon B. Johnson
The world is coming to an end, please log-off.
The world isn't so much worse than before, it's just that the news coverage got so much better.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. ` GEORGE B. SHAW
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. ` George Bernard Shaw
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
There are no secrets better kept than the secret everybody guesses. ` GEORGE B. SHAW
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
There are only 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't. ` Darren Neimke
There are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature. ` Lawrence Durell
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. ` William Somerset Maugham
There are three things I have always loved and never understood: Art, music, and women.
There are three ways to get something done - do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or ask your kids not to do it. ` Malcolm L. Kushner
There are truths which can kill a nation. ` JEAN GIRAUDOUX
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
There are two kinds of people: Those who wake up and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
There are two sides to every argument...unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' ` Alistair J.R. Young
There is a certain meanness in the argument of conservatism, joined with a certain superiority of fact. ` Emerson
There is a paradox in pride; it makes some men ridiculous, but prevents others from becoming so. ` Colton (1780-1832)
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
There is an infinite number of describable functions, which are not effectively computable. ` N. JONES - "Computability Theory"
There is an old proverb that says just about anything you want it to.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. ` Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977. 
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
There is no such thing as gravity; earth sucks! ` written on the wall of a physics building restroom at Duke U.
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. ` Johann von Goethe
There is nothing worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.
There will be no beans in the Almost Perfect State. ` DONALD MARQUIS
There's a sucker born every minute. ` PHINEAS T. BARNUM
There's an exception to every rule, except this one.
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
There's no future in time travel.
There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. ` Johann Sebastian Bach
There's only one thing worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig: A woman who won't do what she's told.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. ` Carl W. Buechner
They say if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat down your door. But usually, it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard. Don Giuliano
They that will not be counseled, cannot be helped. If you do not hear reason she will rap you on the knuckles. ` Ben Franklin
They told me I was gullible. I believed them.
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Things aren't as bad as they seem - they're worse.
Things could be worse...Martha Stewart could be your mother-in-law.
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
Think globally, act loco. ` Zippy the Pinhead
Think of the lottery as a tax break for the intelligent. 
Think of your forefathers- Think of your posterity! ` JOHN Q. ADAMS
Third Law of Advice: Simple advice is the best advice.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.- Dorothy Parker 
This is the sort of English up with which I cannot put! ` Winston Churchill 
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic!
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
This world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. ` Horace Walpole
This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future. ` Adolph Hitler 1935
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. ` Groucho Marx 
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. ` Abraham Lincoln, letter (1859)
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. ` John F. Kennedy 
Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. ` Benjamin Franklin 
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Three can keep a secret ...if two are dead.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Time's fun when you're having flies ` Kermit the Frog
To a dog, you're family. To a cat, you're the staff.
To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction. ` Minna Antrim
To be or not to be - Shakespeare;^ To do is to be - Kant;^ To be is to do - Sartre;^ Do be do be do - Sinatra;^ Yabba dabba do! - Flintstone
To be thrown upon one's own resources, is to be cast into the very lap of fortune; for our faculties then undergo a development and display an energy of which they were previously unsusceptible. ` Ben Franklin
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
To err is human, but it's against company policy.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
To every Ph.D there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.
To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.. ..or is it?
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Today's subliminal messge is: ( )
Ton the' t'a-t'il ote' ton toux? (Did the tea cure your cough?)
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Trapezoid: A device for catching zoids.
Trials and Tribulations are character builders one must get down in order to get up.
Truth exists, only falsehood has to be invented. ` GEORGES BRAQUE
Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
Truth is not determined by majority vote. ` Doug Gwyn
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ` Mark Twain
Twixt the optimist and pessimist the difference is droll: The optimist sees the doughnut but the pessimist sees the hole. ` McLandburgh Wilson!
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane. Two wrongs do not make a right. But three lefts do.  
Two wrongs do not make a right: It usually takes three or more.
Tyranny is always better organized than freedom. ` Charles Peguy
Un chasseur sachant chasser chasse sans son chien. (A hunter who knows how to hunt hunts without his dog)
Un tien vaut miex que deux tu l'auras. (A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.)
Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it's just the reverse.
Under rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume and humidity, an organism will do as it darn well pleases.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it darn well pleases.
Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God isn't such a good idea.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins, you can't imagine the smell!
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
Value a friend who, for you, finds time on his calendar. But cherish the friend who, for you, does not even consult his calendar.
Veni, vedi, visa: I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
Verb is a noun.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Vital papers will move from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!  ` Kermit the Frog
Waiting for a smoking gun assures that you'll be the first to be shot at.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Warning:  Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Wars begin when you will, but they do not end when you please. ` Machiavelli
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one. ` Marcus Aurelius
Wasting time is an important part of life.
Watch the stars, and from them learn. ` Albert Einstein
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. ` Unknown
We all have expiration dates, but only God can read the bar code.
We are a product of the choices we make, not the circumstances that we face. ` Roger Crawford
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ` Oscar Wilde
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will  Be Assimilated.
We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
We do not stop playing because we are old. We grow old because we stopped playing. ` Anonymous
We do precision guesswork.
We don't change God's message. His message changes us. 
We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them.  ` Titus Livius
We have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments.
We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
We have been friends for a very long time...What do you say we call it quits?
We have enough youth! How about a fountain of smart?
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse. ` RUDYARD KIPLING
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
We must, indeed, all hang together, or most assuredly we shall hang separately. ` Benjamin Franklin 
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all.
We put the "k" in "kwality"!
We read to say that we have read.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
We will never crave to be filled until we are convinced that we are empty. ` John Blanchard
We, and all others who believe in freedom as deeply as we do, would rather die on our feet than live on our knees. ` Franklin D. Roosevelt, Letter to Viscount Halifax, June 19, 1941
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Weber's Definition: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Well done is better than well said ` Benjamin Franklin 
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Wer zuletzt lacht, lacht am besten. (He who laughs last laughs best.)
We're all in this alone. ` Lily Tomlin
Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and add 3, independent of the units of time.
We've got to turn this team around 360 degrees! ` Jason Kidd
We've just moved into our dream house. It costs twice as much as we ever dreamed it would.
What a woman wants is what you're out of. She wants more of a thing when it's scarce. ` WILLIAM SYDNEY PORTER
What are Preparation A thru Preparation G?
What boots up must come down. 
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?  Their middle name.
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? (A stick.)
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?
What government is the best? That which teaches us to govern ourselves ` Goethe (1749-1832)
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"? 
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth?  Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.- Dave Barry
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
What if everyone started telling the Truth?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about? 
What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. ` Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
What is the difference between a "slim chance" and a "fat chance"? 
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
What is your mind? It doesn't matter. What is matter? Never mind.
What maintains one vice would bring up two children. ` Benjamin Franklin 
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What year did Jesus think it was?
What you think of me is none of my business.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. ` Ben Franklin
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
What's another word for thesaurus?
What's Mother Teresa's last name?
What's tennis without a racket?
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
What's the speed of dark?
What's worth doing is worth doing for money.
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
When a DJ drives under an overpass, does his voice fade out?
When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder a man he calls it ferocity. ` George Bernard Shaw
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
When great changes occur in history, when great principles are involved, as a rule the majority is wrong. ` Eugene V. Debs
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did--in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am? 
When I was a kid, I could toast a marshmallow over my birthday cake. Now I can roast a turkey.
When I was growing up, my parents told me I could be anyone or do anything in the whole world. Now that I'm older, I wish they had been more specific.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.
When in doubt, mumble.
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. 
When it rains it pours.
When lacking in courage, substitute stupidity.  The results are often the same. ` Justin Johnson
When men are compelled to fight in self-defence, they must hate and avenge: this may be bad; but it is human nature. ` Thomas B. Macaulay, "Milford's History of Greece" 1824
When people complain that they don't get what they deserve, they don't know how fortunate they are.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? ` George Carlin
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 
When the fox preaches, look to your geese. ` German Proverb
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
When the solution is simple, God is answering. ` Albert Einstein
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When things look dark, hold your head up high so it can rain up your nose
When we first practice to deceive. ` SIR WALTER SCOTT
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
When you save for a long time to buy something, then you find that you can't afford it --- that's inflation.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression you will make.
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
When you're adding up committees - here's a useful rule of thumb: that talents make a difference, - and follies make a sum.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Whenever you give up that force, you are ruined. The great object is that every man be armed. Everyone who is able may have a gun. ` Patrick Henry
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
Where are we going? ...and why am I in this handbasket?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Where do flys go when it rains? 
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" ` George Carlin
Where I work, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred". 
Where the world ceases to be the scene of our personal hopes and wishes, where we face it as free beings admiring, asking and observing, there we enter the realm of Art and Science ` Albert Einstein
Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Where there's smoke, there's food.
Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
Which excuse would you like today?
Whistler's Law: You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who said things would get better?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
Why can't life's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do all Disney cartoons feature single-parent families?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread!
Why do doctors call what they do practice?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 
Why do people say "gross negligence"? Is negligence ever attractive?
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous if the first two things you tell everybody is your name and the fact that you are an alcoholic?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do they call it life insurance?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? ` George Carlin
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they report power outages on TV? ` George Carlin
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? 
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? ` George Carlin
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why experiment on animals when there are so many lawyers?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 
Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it called 'rainforest', and what do you call it during a drought?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you are on the telephone, writing furiously and holding a finger up to tell the person who just came into your office to hold on a second, they ask "Do you have a minute?"
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors, but dishwashing liquid made from real lemons?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission?
Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils? 
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? 
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? ` George Carlin
Why stop now, just when I'm hating it? ` MARVIN THE PARANOID ANDROID (Douglas Adams)
Why worry about tomorrow when there are so many bridges to burn today?
Wife to husband:  "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats."
Wit levels low.  Attempting to compensate.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Without C We would have to program in Basi and Pasal 
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
Without goodness man is a busy, mischievous, wretched thing; no better than a kind of vermin. ` Sir Francis Bacon
Wolfgang's Third Law: It can't work.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. 
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
Worker's Law: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Would you live with ease? Do what you ought, not what you please. ` Benjamin Franklin 
Yale is just one big party with a $25,000 cover charge.
You can do anything in this world if you're prepared to take the consequences. ` W. Somerset Maugham
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is concerned.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him think very clearly.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something!
You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. ` NORMAN DOUGLAS
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat the people they don't need.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot fly like an eagle with the wings of a wren. ` WILLIAM HENRY HUDSON
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it.
You can't teach a old mouse new clicks.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks or a new dog much of anything at all.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
You do well to wish to learn our arts and our ways of life and above all, the religion of Jesus Christ. These will make you a greater and happier people than you are. Congress will do everything they can to assist you. ` G Washington
You don't know the value of the water until it's gone.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,then used against you.
You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
You look great for your age...Almost life-like!
You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward. ` James Thurber
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
You should never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fist.
You stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
You were born an original. Don't die a copy. 
You wouldn't know an act of kindness if it hit you in the face!
You! ... Off my planet!
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your inner child needs a spanking.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me instead of you.
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
Youth is not an absolution for treachery. ` US Attorney General John Ashcroft
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age just looks tired.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. ` Will Rogers
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. ` Will Rogers
There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. ` Will Rogers
Never miss a good chance to shut up. ` Will Rogers
Always drink upstream from the herd. ` Will Rogers
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. ` Will Rogers
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. ` Will Rogers
There are three kinds of men, The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence. ` Will Rogers
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. ` Will Rogers
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. ` Will Rogers
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. ` Will Rogers
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...  The moral When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ` Will Rogers
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ` Will Rogers
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ` Will Rogers
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ` Will Rogers
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. ` Will Rogers
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ` Will Rogers
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ` Will Rogers
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ` Will Rogers
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. ` Will Rogers
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ` Will Rogers
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. ` Will Rogers
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. ` Will Rogers
No matter where you go, there you are...
"A short saying often contains much wisdom." ` Sophocles
"It is chiefly through books that we enjoy the communion with superior minds.... In the best books, authors talk to us, give us their most precious thoughts, and pour their souls into ours. God be thanked for books." ` William Ellery Channing
"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations." ` Sir Winston Churchill, 'My Early Life' ch.9 (1930).
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." ` W. Somerset Maugham
"These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves." ` Gilbert Highet
"A quotation in a speech, article or book is like a rifle in the hands of an infantryman. It speaks with authority." ` Brendan Francis
"A fine quotations is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool." ` Joseph Roux (Meditations of a Parish Priest)
"I always have a quotation for everything-- it saves original thinking." ` Dorothy Sayers
"I quote others only the better to express myself." ` Michel de Montaigne
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote" ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages is preserved, into perpetuity, by a nation's proverbs, fables, folk sayings and quotations." ` William Feather
"Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly." ` Simeon Strunsky
"I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself." ` Marlene Dietrich
"The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote someone who is." ` Mary Pettibone Poole
"Quotations help us remember the simple yet profound truths that give life perspective and meaning. When it comes to life's most important lessons, we can all use gentle reminders." ` Chriswell Freeman
"Perhaps the reader may ask, of what consequence is it whether the author's exact language is preserved or not, provided we have his thought? The answer is, that inaccurate quotation is a sin against truth. It may appear in any particular instance to be a trifle, but perfection consists in small things, and perfection is no trifle." ` Robert W. Shaunon, 'Misquotation,' in 'The Canadian Magazine' (October 1898).
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." ` Ralph Waldo Emerson (Journals, 1849)
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ` H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." ` Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake." ` Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)
"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." ` Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
"His ignorance is encyclopedic" ` Abba Eban (1915-)
"If a man does his best, what else is there?" ` General George S. Patton (1885-1945)
"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better." ` A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." ` Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet." ` Saint Augustine (354-430)
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." ` Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." ` Galileo Galilei
"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." ` Emile Zola (1840-1902)
"This book fills a much-needed gap." ` Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review
"The full use of your powers along lines of excellence." ` definition of"happiness" by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." ` e e cummings (1894-1962)
"Give me a museum and I'll fill it." ` Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
"Assassins!" ` Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra
"I'll moider da bum." ` Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ` Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut
"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." ` Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." ` Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Discours de la Methode"
"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." ` Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)
"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." ` Henry Ford (1863-1947)
"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'." ` Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." ` Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." ` George Burns (1896-1996)
"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves." ` Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)
"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense." ` Edsgar Dijkstra
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg." ` Bjarne Stroustrup
"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." ` Paul Erdos
"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." ` Salvador Dali (1904-1989)
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near." ` Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." ` Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'." ` Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"We have art to save ourselves from the truth." ` Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." ` Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
"I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it." ` John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) when asked what is his favorite song
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." ` H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must." ` Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)
"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." ` unknown
"If you are going through hell, keep going." ` Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." ` Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." ` Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." ` Voltaire (1694-1778)
"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." ` H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." ` Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them." ` Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." ` J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)
"Facts are the enemy of truth." ` Don Quixote - "Man of La Mancha"
"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." ` George Washington Carver (1864-1943)
"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself." ` Anais Nin (1903-1977)
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." ` Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)
"I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right." ` Frederick (II) the Great
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." ` Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
"Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact." ` George Eliot (1819-1880)
"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." ` Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)
"Black holes are where God divided by zero." ` Steven Wright
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." ` Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." ` Walt Disney (1901-1966)
"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." ` Vince Lombardi
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." ` James Branch Cabell
"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship." ` John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960)
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." ` Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it." ` Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)
"An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered." ` Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)
"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth." ` Umberto Eco
"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." ` Jimmy Durante
"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." ` Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both." ` Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953
"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working." ` Albert Giacometti (sculptor)
"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." ` Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street." ` Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." ` Frank Zappa
"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." ` Antoine de Saint Exupery
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." ` Isaac Asimov
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." ` Carl Sagan
"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." ` G. B. Burgin
"Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action." ` Auric Goldfinger, in "Goldfinger" by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance" ` - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." ` Jimi Hendrix
"A clever man commits no minor blunders." ` Goethe (1749-1832)
"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours." ` Richard Bach
"A witty saying proves nothing." ` Voltaire (1694-1778)
"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." ` Will Durant
"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." ` Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)
"It was the experience of mystery ` even if mixed with fear ` that engendered religion." ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." ` Mario Andretti
"I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure - that is all that agnosticism means." ` Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." ` Henry Ford (1863-1947)
"I'll sleep when I'm dead." ` Warren Zevon
"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread." ` Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
"If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." ` Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head." ` Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)
"Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together." ` Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)
"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it" ` Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"While we are postponing, life speeds by." ` Seneca (3BC - 65AD)
"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" ` Bumper Sticker
"God, please save me from your followers!" ` Bumper Sticker
"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." ` the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." ` Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
"Luck is the residue of design." ` Branch Rickey - former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." ` Mel Brooks
"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so." ` Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
"Wit is educated insolence." ` Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." ` Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me." ` Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are." ` Gore Vidal
"Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them." ` Samuel Palmer (1805-80)
"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows." ` Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
"Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny." ` Guy Davenport
"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." ` Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains." ` Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." ` Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
"We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?" ` Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
"When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong." ` Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." ` Paul Dirac (1902-1984)
"I would have made a good Pope." ` Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)
"Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin." ` John von Neumann (1903-1957)
"The mistakes are all waiting to be made." ` chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) on the game's opening position
"It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims." ` Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
"Grove giveth and Gates taketh away." ` Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet) on the trend of hardware speedups not being able to keep up with software demands
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." ` Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation." ` H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
"There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult." ` C. A. R. Hoare
"Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler." ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"What do you take me for, an idiot?" ` General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy
"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon." ` Bill Hirst
"Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do." ` Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines." ` Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid." ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." ` Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)
"A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies." ` Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." ` John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
"Logic is in the eye of the logician." ` Gloria Steinem
"No one can earn a million dollars honestly." ` William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
"Everything has been figured out, except how to live." ` Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech." ` Martin Fraquhar Tupper
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it." ` Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." ` Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating." ` Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy." ` Goethe (1749-1832)
"In the end, everything is a gag." ` Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)
"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." ` Lucille S. Harper
"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." ` Yogi Berra
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known." ` Walt Disney (1901-1966)
"He who hesitates is a damned fool." ` Mae West (1892-1980)
"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater." ` Gail Godwin
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." ` Henry Kissinger (1923-)
"The graveyards are full of indispensable men." ` Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty." ` Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
"Behind every great fortune there is a crime." ` Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ` Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
"I am not young enough to know everything." ` Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." ` General George Patton (1885-1945)
"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." ` Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
"There is no sincerer love than the love of food." ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking." ` Katherine Cebrian
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it." ` Steven Wright
"Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour." ` Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)
"Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure." ` Oliver Herford (1863-1935)
"I have read your book and much like it." ` Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
"The covers of this book are too far apart." ` Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them." ` Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end." ` Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." ` Voltaire (1694-1778)
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." ` Mae West (1892-1980)
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." ` Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
"No Sane man will dance." ` Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
"Hell is a half-filled auditorium." ` Robert Frost (1874-1963)
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." ` Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
"Vote early and vote often." ` Al Capone (1899-1947)
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" ` Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
"Few things are harder to put up with than a good example." ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Hell is other people." ` Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
"I am become death, shatterer of worlds." ` Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory." ` Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." ` Thomas Jones
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." ` Al Capone (1899-1947)
"The gods too are fond of a joke." ` Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." ` Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." ` Gloria Leonard
"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man." ` Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." ` Robert Orben
"The cynics are right nine times out of ten." ` Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem." ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Attention to health is life greatest hindrance." ` Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"Plato was a bore." ` Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal." ` Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy." ` Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
"Hemingway was a jerk." ` Harold Robbins
"How can I lose to such an idiot?" ` A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday." ` Woody Allen (1935-)
"I don't feel good." ` The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)
"Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." ` Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)
"Men have become the tools of their tools." ` Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant." ` Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines
"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television." ` Gore Vidal
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying." ` Woody Allen (1935-)
"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives." ` Abba Eban (1915-)
"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me." ` Charles William Stubbs
"Sanity is a madness put to good uses." ` George Santayana (1863-1952)
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television." ` Fred Allen (1894-1956)
"Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest." ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take." ` Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research." ` Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
"Why don't you write books people can read?" ` Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." ` T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
"Criticism is prejudice made plausible." ` Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"It is better to be quotable than to be honest." ` Tom Stoppard
"Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting." ` Karl Wallenda
"Opportunities multiply as they are seized." ` Sun Tzu
"A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar." ` Lao-Tzu (570?-490? BC)
" The best way to predict the future is to invent it." ` Alan Kay
"Never mistake motion for action." ` Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
"Hell is paved with good samaritans." ` William M. Holden
"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time." ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Silence is argument carried out by other means." ` Ernesto"Che"Guevara (1928-1967)
"Well done is better than well said." ` Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
"The average person thinks he isn't." ` Father Larry Lorenzoni
"Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd." ` William Congreve (1670-1729)
"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted." ` Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
"Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century." ` Perelman
"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready." ` Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal." ` Sigfried Hulzer
"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done." ` Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." ` Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." ` Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943
"I think it would be a good idea." ` Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." ` Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
"I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!" ` Will Rogers (1879-1935)
"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" " ` Will Rogers (1879-1935)
"The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy." ` Von Clausewitz (1780-1831)
"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity." ` Irving Kristol
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." ` Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." ` Bill Gates (1955-), in 1981
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." ` A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" ` H. M. Warner (1881-1958), founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." ` Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." ` Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood." ` General George S. Patton (1885-1945)
"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one." ` Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." ` Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." ` last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)
"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins." ` Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." ` Tom Clancy
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both." ` Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), "The Prince"
"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame." ` Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." ` Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ` Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." ` Yogi Berra
"There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole." ` Bill Wulf
"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher." ` Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." ` Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"I criticize by creation - not by finding fault." ` Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
"Love is friendship set on fire." ` Jeremy Taylor
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." ` Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair
"My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate." ` Unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, when asked in court what his current profession was
"Woman was God's second mistake." ` Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"This isn't right, this isn't even wrong." ` Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper
"For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing." ` Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy." ` Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." ` Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
"Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies." ` Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
"Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run." ` Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
"He would make a lovely corpse." ` Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." ` Irvin S. Cobb
"I worship the quicksand he walks in." ` Art Buchwald
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"A poem is never finished, only abandoned." ` Paul Valery (1871-1945)
"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction." ` General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)
"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?" ` Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing
"#3 pencils and quadrille pads." ` Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the lines were not so dominant.
"I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray." ` Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when he was informed that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.
"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis." ` Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.
"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need." ` Francois-Auguste Rodin (1840-1917), when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues
"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them." ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"The truth is more important than the facts." ` Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." ` Wernher Von Braun (1912-1977)
"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." ` Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted. ` De la Lastra's Corollary
`The Law of Unintended Consequences.^  That law, as Clyde Haberman of The New York Times put it recently,^  provides that for every action, there is an excellent chance of^  producing an opposite and totally disproportionate reaction.
`A file that big?^It might be very useful.^But now it is gone.
`The Web site you seek^Cannot be located but^Countless more exist.
`Chaos reigns within.^Reflect, repent, and reboot.^Order shall return.
`ABORTED effort:^Close all that you have worked on.^You ask far too much.
`Windows NT crashed.^I am the Blue Screen of Death.^No one hears your screams.
`Yesterday it worked.^Today it is not working.^Windows is like that.
`First snow, then silence.^This thousand dollar screen dies^So beautifully.
`With searching comes loss^And the presence of absence:^"My Novel" not found.
`The Tao that is seen^Is not the true Tao - until^You bring fresh toner.
`Stay the patient course.^Of little worth is your ire.^The network is down.
`A crash reduces^Your expensive computer^To a simple stone.
`Three things are certain:^Death, taxes, and lost data.^Guess which has occurred.
`You step in the stream,^But the water has moved on.^The page is not here.
`Having been erased,^The document you're seeking^Must now be retyped.
`Serious error.^All shortcuts have disappeared.^Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
`Out of memory.^We wish to hold the whole sky,^But we never will.
Craig Stadler was asked why he was using a new putter at the 1993 U.S. Open.  Replied the Walrus, "The old one didn't float too well."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." ` Steven Wright
MURPHY'S LAW ADDENDUMS "Leak proof seals will, Self starters will not, Interchangeable parts won't and there is always one more bug."
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become philosopher. ` Socrates
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Remember, it ain't broke, it just lacks duct tape. ` Jim and Tim, the Duct Tape Guys
"A picture is worth 2000 bytes"
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ` Douglas Adams
ohnosecond = The moment you hit send on your e-mail and wish you could go into your computer and take it back.
When nothing is sure, everything is possible.
Nothing contributes more to peace of soul than having no opinion at all.
`Prograsm (noun):^The physiological effect upon a programmer, of spending endless^hours on a program's problems and suddenly fixing those^problems, compiling, linking, and executing perfectly. ` Peter Kingsbury.
`"If you aim to fail but you succeed, what have you done?"
` Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
` A day without sunshine is like, night.
` On the other hand, you have different fingers.
` Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
` I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
` When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
` Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
` Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
` You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will^ be misquoted, then used against you.
` I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
` Honk if you love peace and quiet.
` Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
` Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains^ so popular?
` Atheism is a non-profit organization.
` He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
`Time for the old MUD joke:^^He who laughs last ... is at 300 baud.
`Interesting but useless facts #1.^A typical department store window mannequin wieghs about 25 pounds.
`Interesting but useless facts #2.^Robert E. Lee kept a live chicken under his cot.
`Interesting but useless facts #3.^Never cook turnips in a aluminum pan.
`Interesting but useless facts #4.^It was the winter of 1996 - 97 that the Michigan town of Hell froze over.
`Interesting but useless facts #5.^Greece is Sinking
`Interesting but useless facts #6.^A husband with four wives is called a "quadrigamist".
`Interesting but useless facts #7.^Oppossums eat rattlesnakes.
`Interesting but useless facts #8.^There are places in the Antartic, Andes, and the Galapagos Islands^were you can use a ATM card.
`Interesting but useless facts #9.^The Antartic Sea Spider's internal organs are in its legs.
`Interesting but useless facts #10.^Some parrots sleep hanging upside down.
`Interesting but useless facts #11.^The first automatic bread wrapping machine came out in 1913.
`Interesting but useless facts #12.^Nobody knows why "Squid" are called that.
`Interesting but useless facts #13.^Felicide is the murder of a cat.
`Interesting but useless facts #14.^Reports of UFO sightings are most numerous when the orbit of Mars^brings it close to Earth.
`Interesting but useless facts #15.^December is the most common time for homocides.
`Interesting but useless facts #16.^The accordian was invented in 1822.
`Interesting but useless facts #17.^In ancient Egypt one variety of Onions were worshipped as gods.
`Interesting but useless facts #18.^Polar bears eat other Polars bears.
`Interesting but useless facts #19.^An octopuse has to look at its arms to know what they're doing.
`Interesting but useless facts #20.^The tomato is native to Peru.
`Interesting but useless facts #21.^Alligators hibernate.
`Interesting but useless facts #22.^Bones make up less than one fifth of your wieght.
`Interesting but useless facts #23.^Some squid pop out of the the water and glide through the air for a^considerable distance.
`Interesting but useless facts #24.^One seventh of your brain is cholesterol.
`Interesting but useless facts #25.^The almond is not a nut, it is a fruit.
`Interesting but useless facts #26.^Papaphobia is the fear of the Pope.
`Interesting but useless facts #27.^Linonophobia is the fear of string.
`Interesting but useless facts #28.^In space water boils instantly.
`Interesting but useless facts #29.^London has approximently 1,700 parks.
`Interesting but useless facts #30.^Napoleon had aelurophobia, the fear of cats.
`Interesting but useless facts #31.^Pantophobia is the fear of everything.
`Interesting but useless facts #32.^Phobophobia is the fear of fear itself.
`Interesting but useless facts #33.^Philophobia is the fear of falling in love.
`Interesting but useless facts #34.^Greenland's sharks have been seen eating reindeer when the ice cracks.
`Interesting but useless facts #35.^The original jeans were brown.
`Interesting but useless facts #36.^Bacteria need vitamin B.
`Interesting but useless facts #37.^Alfred Nobel invented dynamite after he blew up his house, laboratory,^and his brother Emil.
`Interesting but useless facts #38.^Autophobia is the fear of oneself.
`Interesting but useless facts #39.^Poloticophobia is the fear of poloticians.
`Interesting but useless facts #40.^Cathisophobia is the fear of sitting.
`Interesting but useless facts #41.^Chaetophobia is the fear of hair.
`Interesting but useless facts #42.^Kinesophobia is the of movement.
`Interesting but useless facts #43.^Pogonophobia is the fear of beards.
`Interesting but useless facts #44.^Xylophobia is the fear of wood.
`Interesting but useless facts #45.^If your a "pentapopemptic" you have been divorced five times.
`Interesting but useless facts #46.^Dachshund were raised by the ancient Egyptions.
`Interesting but useless facts #47.^Most of the energy in the worlds history was used in moving things.
`Interesting but useless facts #48.^The red flshing beacon atop a firetruck is called a mars light.
`Interesting but useless facts #49.^When a nearsighted people swim underwater without goggles, their^vision becomes momentarily normal or even farsighted.
`Interesting but useless facts #50.^Ants hate Termites, Termites hate Ants.
`Interesting but useless facts #51.^Flashy jewelry attract bees.
`Interesting but useless facts #52.^Chickens are nearsighted 
`Interesting but useless facts #53.^Cherophobia is the fear of happiness 
`Interesting but useless facts #54.^Adolf Hitler's 15-car railroad train was named "Amerika".
`Interesting but useless facts #55.^Mosquitoes have caused more deaths the all the wars.
`Interesting but useless facts #56.^Soceraphobia is the fear of parents in law.
`Interesting but useless facts #57.^Winston Churchill got over stage fright by imagening that every body^in the audience had a hole in their sock 
`Interesting but useless facts #58.^Scottish women do not wear kilts.
`Interesting but useless facts #59.^Anteaters eat more termites then ants.
`Interesting but useless facts #60.^Robert E. Lee's shoe size was 6.
`Interesting but useless facts #61.^There were once cowboys in Hawaii.
`Interesting but useless facts #62.^Melissophobia is the fear of bees.
`Interesting but useless facts #63.^Verbophobia is the fear of words.
`Interesting but useless facts #64.^Sophophobia is the fear of learning.
`Interesting but useless facts #65.^Ecophobia is the fear of home.
`Interesting but useless facts #66.^Amathophobia is the fear of dust.
`Interesting but useless facts #67.^Pteronophobia is the fear of being tickled by feathers.
`Interesting but useless facts #68.^Lobsters do not feel pain.
`Interesting but useless facts #69.^Plum pudding has never contained any plums.
`Interesting but useless facts #70.^7,500 pounds of ham were lost when the Titanic sank.
`Interesting but useless facts #71.^No bird has more than four toes.
`Interesting but useless facts #72.^The Garfish has green bones.
`Interesting but useless facts #73.^In North Dakota it is illegal to fall asleep with your shoes on.
`Interesting but useless facts #74.^In New Hampshire It is against the law to dye margarine pink.
`Interesting but useless facts #75.^In Wilbur, WA you can be fined $300 for riding an ugly horse.
`Interesting but useless facts #76.^In Portland, OR you can be arrested for taking a bath without wearing^suitable clothing.
`Interesting but useless facts #77.^In California it's illegal to duck hunt while flying in an airplane.
`Interesting but useless facts #78.^In Fairbanks, AK they'll put you in jail for serving alcoholic^beveerages to a mosse.
`Interesting but useless facts #79.^In Miami, FL Men can't wear strapless gowns in public.
`Interesting but useless facts #80.^Kermit the frog was named after One of Jim Henson's old friends.
`Interesting but useless facts #81.^Hannibal wore a wig even while crossing the Alps.
`Interesting but useless facts #82.^In space no one can hear you scream, there is no air to carry sound^waves.
`Interesting but useless facts #83.^You would die of malnuitrition in four months if you ate nothing but^candy.
`Interesting but useless facts #84.^High flying birds can ice up.
`Interesting but useless facts #85.^The smell of alchohol intoxicates fruit flies.
`Interesting but useless facts #86.^Some mushrooms are carnivorous.
`Interesting but useless facts #87.^The medical term for ear wax is "Cerumen".
`Interesting but useless facts #88.^The oceans average out to be four times deper than the land is high.
`Interesting but useless facts #89.^Rabbits love the flavor of seaweed.
`Interesting but useless facts #90.^Basophobia is the fear of standing up.
`Interesting but useless facts #91.^Squirrels are blind to red.
`Interesting but useless facts #92.^In Montreal it is illegal to water a plant while it si raining.
`Interesting but useless facts #93.^Lenin was a redhead.
`Interesting but useless facts #94.^Lettace was once considered a weed.
`Interesting but useless facts #95.^The "zyzzyva" is a tropical American weevil.
`Interesting but useless facts #96.^New Zealand was the first morden country to give womwn the right to^vote.
`Interesting but useless facts #97.^Egyptians trianed baboons to wait tables.
`Interesting but useless facts #98.^hawaiians eat more Spam than others do.
`Interesting but useless facts #99.^Birds do not sweat. 
`Interesting but useless facts #100.^A Raven can throw a rock the size of a golf ball. 
`Interesting but useless facts #101.^Morocco was the first country to reconize the United States as a^sovereign country. 
`Interesting but useless facts #102.^Sea turtles cry. 
`Interesting but useless facts #103.^Human hair can be expected to last approximally 680 years. 
`Interesting but useless facts #104.^The most popular names for girls are in decending order: Emily, Sarah,^  Ashley, Kailyn, Jessica, Brittany/Rachel, Megan,^  Brianna, Amanda/Hannah, Taylor, Samantha, Katherine, Alexis,^  Courtney/Haley/Kayla, Lauren, Michaela,^  Allison/Elizabeth/Rebecca, Victoria, Madison and Nicole. Or so I am^told. 
`Interesting but useless facts #105.^A "pottle" is a half gallon. 
`Interesting but useless facts #106.^The origional seven sea were: Mediterranian, Iberian, Ionic, Aegean,^Tyrhennian, Black and Red. 
`Interesting but useless facts #107.^Pinocchio is Italian for "Pine eyes". 
`Interesting but useless facts #108.^Hamsters blink one eye at a time. 
`Interesting but useless facts #109.^Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was not knighted for his Sherlock Homes stories. 
`Interesting but useless facts #110.^The great horned owl can catch a house cat. 
`Interesting but useless facts #111.^Killer bees have less venom then Honey bees. 
`Interesting but useless facts #112.^Penguins can't see the color red. 
`Interesting but useless facts #113.^A snapping turtle never snaps under warter. 
`Interesting but useless facts #114.^Technically it is not a valley unless water runs through it. 
`Interesting but useless facts #115.^The blood pressure of a giraffe is 260/160. 
`Interesting but useless facts #116.^Thomas Edison died in 1931.
`What do lawyers use for birth control?^* Their personalities.
`What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?^* A tick falls off of you when you die.
`Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and^their clients?^* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is^essentially the same service.
`What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their^neck in  sand?^* Not enough sand.
`What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a^dead  lawyer in the middle of the road?^* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
`What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?^* A Doberman.
`Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?^* If one side has one, the other side has to get one.  Once^launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they^screw up everything forever.
`What do lawyers and sperm have in common?^* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
`Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest^stamps?^* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people^couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
`Lawyer's creed:^* A man is innocent until proven broke.
`What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit^bull?^* Lipstick.
`What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?^* Skeet.
`What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a^crooked lawyer?^* Chelsea Clinton
`If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to^avoid hitting him?^* It might be your bicycle.
`Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old^drunk are walking down the street together when they^simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?^* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical^creatures.
`It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)^* ......  I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
`A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the^lawyer's rates.^"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.^"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.^"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third^question?"
`You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a^lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you^do?^* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
`Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?^* He gets taller.
"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Web and he won't bother you for weeks" ` Anon   
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Three things are certain:^Death, taxes, and lost data.^Guess which has occurred.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Everything is gone;^Your life's work has been destroyed.^Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Windows NT crashed.^I am the Blue Screen of Death.^No one hears your screams.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Seeing my great fault^Through darkening blue windows^I begin again
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^The code was willing,^It considered your request,^But the chips were weak.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Printer not ready.^Could be a fatal error.^Have a pen handy?
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^A file that big?^It might be very useful.^But now it is gone.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Errors have occurred.^We won't tell you where or why.^Lazy programmers.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Server's poor response^Not quick enough for browser.^Timed out, plum blossom.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Chaos reigns within.^Reflect, repent, and reboot.^Order shall return.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Login incorrect.^Only perfect spellers may^enter this system.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^This site has been moved.^We'd tell you where, but then we'd^have to delete you.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^wind catches lily^scatt'ring petals to the wind:^segmentation fault
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^ABORTED effort:^Close all that you have.^You ask way too much.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^First snow, then silence.^This thousand dollar screen dies^so beautifully.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^With searching comes loss^and the presence of absence:^"My Novel" not found.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^The Tao that is seen^Is not the true Tao, until^You bring fresh toner.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^The Web site you seek^cannot be located but^endless others exist
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Stay the patient course^Of little worth is your ire^The network is down
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^A crash reduces^your expensive computer^to a simple stone.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^There is a chasm^of carbon and silicon^the software can't bridge
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Yesterday it worked^Today it is not working^Windows is like that
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^To have no errors^Would be life without meaning^No struggle, no joy
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^You step in the stream,^but the water has moved on.^This page is not here.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^No keyboard present^Hit F1 to continue^Zen engineering?
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Hal, open the file^Hal, open the damn file, Hal^open the file, please Hal
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Out of memory.^We wish to hold the whole sky,^But we never will.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Having been erased,^The document you're seeking^Must now be retyped.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^The ten thousand things^How long do any persist?^Netscape, too, has gone.
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Rather than a beep^Or a rude error message,^These words: "File not found."
`If PCs Gave Error Messages in Haiku:^^Serious error.^All shortcuts have disappeared^Screen. Mind. Both are blank.^^
Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure. ` Portuguese Proverb
`I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.^You couldn't park anywhere near the place. ` Stephen Wright
`I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house^and four people died. ` Stephen Wright
`Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated^coffee table.^They couldn't help me. ` Stephen Wright
`What's another word for "thesaurus"? ` Stephen Wright
`When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking^spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. ` Stephen Wright
`When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only^child . . . eventually. ` Stephen Wright
`I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them^again. ` Stephen Wright
`For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the^same room and let them fight it out. ` Stephen Wright
`I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.^Every once in a while I turn it on and off.^One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!" ` Stephen Wright
`I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks^like I'm the only one moving. ` Stephen Wright
`I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song on^the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that." ` Stephen Wright
`I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.^Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and^farther, trying to see it clearly) . . .^and says, "Here, you can go." ` Stephen Wright
`I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything^specific. ` Stephen Wright
`I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.^The weatherman said, "I don't understand it.  It was supposed to be 80^degrees out today."^I said "Oops . . ." ` Stephen Wright
`I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats^on them.^Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. ` Stephen Wright
`I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone. ` Stephen Wright
`My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out. ` Stephen Wright
`I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. ` Stephen Wright
`I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. ` Stephen Wright
`I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now, but^leave a  message and I'll call when I'm out." ` Stephen Wright
`I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got^there. ` Stephen Wright
`A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.^You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .^. . oohh, that's much better. ` Stephen Wright
`I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I^keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some^of it. ` Stephen Wright
`I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine. ` Stephen Wright
`Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. ` Stephen Wright
`My school colors were clear. ` Stephen Wright
`I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. ` Stephen Wright
`I'm taking La maze classes.^I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. ` Stephen Wright
`When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.^He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."^I said, "the middle of August? Cool!" ` Stephen Wright
`My girlfriend's weird.  One day she asked me, "If you could know how and^when you were going to die, would you want to know?"^I said, "No."  She said, "Okay, forget it." ` Stephen Wright
`My girlfriend's weird.^I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be^gone. I said, "The whole time." ` Stephen Wright
`My buddy got busted for counterfeiting.  He was making pennies. They^caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides... ` Stephen Wright
`My buddy got busted for counterfeiting.  He was making pennies.^He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain. ` Stephen Wright
`Hermits have no peer pressure. ` Stephen Wright
`Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories... ` Stephen Wright
`There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like^an idiot. ` Stephen Wright
`How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? ` Stephen Wright
`Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? ` Stephen Wright
`I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are^furious. ` Stephen Wright
`Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . . ` Stephen Wright
`I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around^singing "Happy Birthday". ` Stephen Wright
`I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards.^Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. ` Stephen Wright
`I got stopped by a cop the other day.^He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"^I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read." ` Stephen Wright
`It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room^temperature. ` Stephen Wright
`Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. ` Stephen Wright
`I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No^thanks - I'm not going that far." ` Stephen Wright
`I played a blank tape on full volume.^The mime who lived next door complained.^So I shot him with a gun with a silencer. ` Stephen Wright
`I'm a peripheral visionary. ` Stephen Wright
`I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O. ` Stephen Wright
`Ballerinas are always on their toes.^Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? ` Stephen Wright
`The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me^about some of the people who were here last year." ` Stephen Wright
`What a nice night for an evening. ` Stephen Wright
`Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? ` Stephen Wright
`How many microsoft technical support staff does it take to change a lightbulb?^^4:^^One to say, "Have you tried rebooting it?"^One to say, "Sorry, your version of LightbulbX(tm) is obsolete.  The upgrade^             costs 399.99"^One to say, "Something must be interfering with it.  Remove any competitors'^             lightbulbs then call us back."^One to say, "It must be a problem with your installation, because the one in^             our office works fine."
"There is only one good, knowledge, and only one evil, ignorance." ` Aristotle
Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs? ` Stephen Wright
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? ` Stephen Wright
If a sphere is moving in all 360 degrees at once, does that mean it is still? ` Stephen Wright
If a cat always lands on its feet, and if, when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it always lands buttered-side-down... what would happen if you dropped a cat with a buttered piece of bread strapped to its back? ` Stephen Wright
`"This is not movement of the wind,^  nor is it movement of the flag,^  It is movement of your mind"
Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?  About 45 pounds.  What's the difference between a husband a lover?  About 45 minutes!
"If everything seems under control, you are going too slow" ` Mario Andretti
"Build something idiot proof and someone will build a better idiot"
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods.  When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron.  So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.  "A magic potion" she replies.  "Well what is it for?" he asks.  "This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer"  At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some.  She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.  After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.^^He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf.  Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily.  He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and has a wonderful time of it.  After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch.  Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.^"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"^^"Great!  This has been the best year of my life.  I have played all over the country and never lost a game."^^"And how about your sex life?"^^"Oh, not bad."^^"Really?  This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life.  Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"^^"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times." "And you call that not bad?"^^"Well for a priest with a small parish....."
Bug.- Is an imperfection in your competitor's program. Imperfections in your program are called various things depending on who you are: ACIUS-Anomaly, Claris-Unexpected Result, Microsoft-Wrongful Termination, Apple-Undocumented Feature.
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."
Good judgement is the result of experience, and experience is the result of of bad judjement.
"A triangular wheel is superior to a square wheel because there are only three jolts per revolution." Also, it's been pointed out to me, with 25% fewer corners, it's substantially cheaper to produce.
A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, and software engineer are in a car in the Arizona badlands when the car breaks down.  The mechanical engineer says, "Let's take a look under the hood - it's probably a valve or gasket that came loose."  The electrical engineer says, "No, let's look at the fusebox, since one of the fuses probably came loose."  The software engineer says, "Well, maybe if we all got out of the car and then got back in, the car will start again."
"Absorption of overhead" is one of the most obscene terms I have ever heard. ` Peter F. Drucker (1909- )
"Age and treachery will win over youth and skill."
"But all I did," Schwab said, "was what you have been doing behind locked doors for years."^"That, sir," Morgan replied, "is what doors are for." ` J. P. Morgan (1837-1913) and Charles Schwab  (1862-1939)
"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
"DROPPED FROM UTS" is just VM's way of saying "Booga, Booga!"
"DROPPED FROM UTS" is just VM's way of saying UTS is out to lunch!
"Gentle Reader..." ` Miss Manners
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"It was the BEST butter, the March Hare meekly replied." ` Lewis Carroll
"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards," the Queen remarked. ` Lewis Carroll
"Kernal" is not a word.  The correct spelling is "kernel".
"Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst." ` Thomas Paine
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again." ` Marvin The Paranoid Android
"Okay," Bobby said, getting the hang of it, "then what's the matrix?  If she's a deck, and Danbala's a program, what's cyberspace?"^^"The world," Lucas said. ` William Gibson, "Count Zero"
"Once they go up, who cares where they come down?  That's not my department." ` Werner von Braun
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe." ` Tom Anderson
"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns." ` The Godfather
"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're real boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design classes, you know?" ` Art Spiegelman
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking." ` George McFry
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core." ` Hannah Arendt.
"Open Channel D..." ` Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL." ` Dave Bowman, 2001
"Our reruns are better than theirs." ` Nick at 'Nite
"Out of register space (ugh)" ` vi
"Paul Lynde to block..." ` a contestant on "Hollywood Squares"
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." ` Karl, as he stepped behind the computer to reboot it, during a FAT
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." ` The Wizard Of Oz
"People should have access to the data which you have about them.  There should be a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies." ` Arthur Miller
"People usually get what's coming to them...^^Unless it's been mailed.
"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of what is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly too dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand." ` Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus
"To be, or not to be."-Hamlet   "Do-bee-do-bee-do."-Sinatra
"Truth" never set anyone free. It is only *doubt* which will bring mental emancipation. ` Anton LaVey
"Wayne Newton is," he says, "an example of what America can be."
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
'Shut up,' he explained. ` Ring Lardner, The Young Immigrants, 1920
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.^(from Jabberwocky) ` Lewis Carroll
... we tested ours against the other leading brand... ` TV Commercial
...an individual whose appearance was so repulsive I had to have my mirrors insured. ` Miss Piggy,^Miss Piggy's Guide to Life (As Told to Henry Beard), 1981
...as American as English muffins and French toast. ` John Russell Taylor, The Times, 1984
...first and foremost, of course, I'm a Cultural Attache. But don't let that word 'culture' scare the pants off you because I can assure you I'm not one of those long-haired, limp-wristed, head-in-the clouds, arty-crafty pooftas. No! ` Sir Les Patterson (Barry Humphries), Housewife Superstar, one-man show, 1976
...the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him. ` George Orwell, Down and Out in Paris and London, 1933
>From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
[Americans are] better at having a love affair that lasts ten minutes than any other people in the world. ` Stephen Spender, interviewed in the New York Post, 1975
I don't know of anything so remorseless on the face of the earth than seven per cent interest. ` Josh Billings [Henry Wheeler Shaw] (1818-1885)
1. Resolved by this Council, that we build a new Jail.^2. Resolved, that the new Jail be built out of the material of the old Jail.^3. Resolved, that the old Jail be used until the new Jail is finished. ` passed by the Board of Councilmen in Canton, Mississippi
186,000 mps: It's not just a good idea - It's the law.
1955-1975: 36 Elvis movies. 1975-1989: nothing. ` Tom Neff
43rd Law of Computing:^Anything that can go wr^Seek Error reading Drive C:^Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever. ` Helen Rowland
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. ` Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
A battle is only truly great or small according to its results. ` Mark Twain^Joan of Arc
A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes. ` Fontanel
A beautiful woman will enrich your life soon.
A Big Mac, french fries and a large Coke!
A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money! ` Everett Dirkson
A bird in hand is better then one overhead.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
A bit of talcum^ Is always walcum. ` Ogden Nash, 'The Baby', Freewheeling, 1931
A book may be compared to the life of your neighbor.  If it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early. ` H. Brooke
A boy does not put his hand into his pocket until every other means of gaining his end has failed. ` Sentimental Tommy, 1896
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure.
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5.
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. ` Bill Vaughan
A city where wise guys peddle gold bricks to each other and Truth, crushed down to earth, rises again as phony as a glass eye. ` Ben Hecht (1894-1964)^Of New York, in the film, Nothing Sacred
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has read. ` Mark Twain
A clean, neat, and orderly work place^is a sure sign of a sick mind.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. ` Fred Allen
A company is judged by the president it keeps. ` James Hulbert (1942-    )
A company is known by the men it keeps.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ` Arthur Block
A conference is a gathering of important people who' singly' can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. ` Fred Allen (1894-1956)^Letter to W. M. Martin (president of^New York Stock Exchange), 25 January 1940
A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles. ` Will Rogers
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
A corporation is an artificial being, invisible, intangible, and existing only in contemplation of the law. ` John Marshall (1755-1835)^US Supreme Court, 1819
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. ` Howard Scott
A day without sunshine is like night.
A dead man cannot bite.
A diamond is just a lump of coal that made good under pressure.
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch. ` Hermione Gingold, actress-comedienne (1897-1987)
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
A father is a banker provided by nature.
A fault recognized is half corrected.
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.  ` Wilson Mizner
A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination. ` Arthur Wing Pinero (1855-1934)^The Second Mrs. Tanqueray, 1893
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
A fool and your money are soon partners.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A generation which ignores history has no past - and no future.
A gift of flour will soon be made to you.
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
A girl's best friend is her mutter.
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet.
A good bargain is a pick-purse. ` George Herbert (1593-1633)^Outlandish Proverbs, 1640
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. ` G. K. Chesterton
A good reputation is more valuable than money. ` Puvlilius Syrus^Senentiae
A government is the only vessel known to leak from the top.
A great devotee of the Gospel of Getting On. ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)^Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893
A great fortune is a great slavery. ` Seneca (c. 4 B.C.-A.D. 65)^Moral Essays
A great idea needs landing gear, not just wings.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ` William James
A great society is a society in which its men of business think greatly of their functions. ` Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A hangover...the wrath of grapes.
A harp is a nude piano.
A heavy purse makes a light heart. ` Irish proverb
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. ` Will Rogers (1879-1935)
A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
A hospital is no place to be sick. ` Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something. ` Frank Capra
A hungry man is not a free man. ` Adlai E. Stevenson (1900-1965)^Speech, Kasson, Minn., 6 September 1952
A hungry stomach cannot hear. ` Jean de La Fontaine (1621-1695)^Fables, 1678-1679
A hypothetical paradox:^What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? ` Tom Galloway
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. ` Robert Frost
A king's castle is his home.
A knowledge of Sanskrit is of little use to a man trapped in a sewer. ` Tom Weller
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A large brain, like large government, may not be able to do simple things in a simple way. ` Donald O. Hebb
A large dog will have a surprising effect on your life.
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. ` Jane Austin
A lecture is where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one. ` anon
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist
A lie in time saves nine.
A lifetime of happiness!  No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. ` George Bernard Shaw
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
A little house well filled, a little field well tilled, and a little wife well willed, are great riches. ` Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)^Poor Richard 's Almanack, 1735
A little in one's own pocket is better than much in another man's purse. 'Tis good to keep a nest egg. Every little makes a mickle. ` Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)^Don Quixote, 1615
A little Madness in the Spring, Is wholesome even for the King. ` Emily Dickinson
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D.  Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B. ` Fats Domino
A man, a plan, a canal.  Suez!
A man came into the  office one day and said he was a sailor.  We cured him of that. ` Mark Twain, on his days as a doctor's apprentice in California
A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants. ` Arthur Schoperhauer
A man cannot be in two places at once, unless he is a bird.
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. ` Elbert Hubbard
A man is to go about his own business as if he had not a friend in the world to help him in it. ` George Savile, Marquise of Halifax (1633-1695)^Political, Moral and Miscellaneous Reflections, 1750
A man isn't a man until he has to meet a payroll. ` Ivan Shaffer
A man lives by believing in something, not by debating and arguing about many things. ` Thomas Carlyle
A man never tells you anything until you contradict him. ` George Bernard Shaw
A man of business may talk of philosophy, a man who has none may practice it. ` Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. ` Michelangelo
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"^"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." ` Stephen Crane
A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well. ` Francis Bacon
A man who knows that he is a fool is not a great fool. ` Chuang Tzu
A man who seeks truth and loves it must be reckoned precious to any human society. ` Frederick the Great.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man with 3 buttocks.
A man with a clear conscience does not tremble at a midnight knock on his gate. ` Chinese Proverb
A man with one watch knows what time it is - with two watches he is never sure.
A man without money is like a wolf without teeth. ` French proverb
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A man's homeland is wherever he prospers. ` Aristophanes
A man's house is his hassle.
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A merchant may, perhaps, be a man of an enlarged mind, but there is nothing in trade connected with an enlarged mind. ` Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)^In Boswell, Tour to the Hebrides, 1785^[Said: 18 October 1773]
A mere madness, to live like a wretch and die rich. ` Robert Burton (1577-1640)^The Anatomy of Melancholy, 1621-1651
A misguided platypus will lay its eggs in your shorts.
A mixture of admiration and pity is one of the surest recipes for affection. ` Andre Maurois, Ariel, 1923
A moose once bit my sister.
A mortgage casts a shadow on the sunniest field. ` Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1899)^Farming in Illinois, 1877
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A muth once bit my sister.
A nation . . . is just a society for hating foreigners. ` Olaf Stapledon
A nation is not in danger of financial disaster merely because it owes itself money. ` Andrew Mellon (1855-19 )^Quoted in the Observer, 31 May 1953 [Said: 1933]
A nearby penny is worth a distant dollar. ` Anonymous
A noble choice, but first ...
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun
A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish remarks than anything else in the world. ` Edmund & Jules Goncourt
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
A patient hearer is a sure speaker. ` George Savile, Marquise of Halifax (1633-1695)^Political, Moral and Miscellaneous Reflections, 1750
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
A plausible impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. ` Aristotle^Poetics
A plucked goose does not lay golden eggs.
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A project not worth doing at all is not worth doing well.
A quart cannot become a gallon. ` Malaysian Proverb
A relationship is like a shark.  It has to keep moving forward or it dies.
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way. ` John Tudor
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A Southerner talks music. ` Mark Twain^Life on the Mississippi
A second class effort is a first class mistake.
A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. ` John A. Shedd
A shortcut is the longest path between two points.
A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. ` Joseph Stalin
A small good deed is better then the grandest intention.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
A snake lurks in the grass.
A soft drink turneth away company.
A stake in commercial television is the equivalent of having a license to print money. ` Lord Thomson of Fleet (1923- )^Thomson Newspapers
A stitch in time saves nine.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. ` anonymous
A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A thing not worth doing^isn't worth doing well.
A thing of beauty is a joy forever. ` Keats
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. ` Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
A violent man will die a violent death.
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
A well-known friend is a treasure.
A wise man can see more from a mountain top^than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
A wise man changes his mind, a fool never will. ` Abraham Lincoln
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A word to the wise is enough.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
A. E. Matthews ambled through 'This was a Man' like a charming retriever who has buried a bone and can't quite remember where. ` Noel Coward, on the Broadway production, 1926
Abolish first marriages!
Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
Above all else - sky.
Above all things, reverence yourself.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Abstain from beans.
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. ` Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary 1911
Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation. ` Anon.
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
Abstract Art:^A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. ` Al Capp
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Accuracy: The vice of being right.
Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. ` Ambrose Bierce (1842-c.1914)^The Devil's Dictionary, 1906 
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. ` George Burns (Attrib.)
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Acting is standing up naked and turning around very slowly. ` Rosalind Russell, Life is a Banquet
Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four. ` Katherine Hepburn (Attrib.)
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. ` Oliver Herford
Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adolescence is that period of time between puberty and adultery.
Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery. ` Anon.
Ads push the principle of noise all the way to the plateau of persuasion. They are quite in accord with the procedures for brainwashing. ` Marshall McLuhan^Understanding Media
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Advancement in position.
Advertising agency: eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. ` Fred Allen (1894-1956)
Advertising is the greatest art form of the twentieth century. ` Marshall McLuhan^in Advertising Age, 1968
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. ` George Orwell
Advertising is to art what the banjo is to an orchestra. ` Martin Mull
Advertising is what you do when you can't go see somebody.^That's all there is. ` Fairfax M. Cone (1903-1977)^Foote, Cone & Belding^Quoted in the Christian Science Monitor, 20 March 1963
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money out of it. ` Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)
Advertising that uses superlatives isn't. ` Harry Pesin, Sayings To Run an Advertising Agency By, 1966
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
After all, money, as they say, is miraculous. ` Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)^Past and Present, 1843
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside without her... I should be sorry to have that voice fall silent and pass out of my life. ` Mark Twain^"Excerpts from Adam's Diary"
After they got rid of capital punishment, they had to hang twice as many people as before.
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. ` Mark Twain^The Mysterious Stranger
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Age isn't important unless you're a cheese.
Aging is bad, but consider the alternative. ` Anonymous
Agree or disagree with the following statement: There are two kinds of people in this world -  Those that separate people into two groups, and those that don't. ` Robert Benchley
Ahah!
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
Air pollution is a mist demeanor.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Alcoholism isn't a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play. ` Joyce Rebeta-Burditt, The Cracker Factory, 1977
Aleph sub alpha is the alpha'th aleph.
Alia jacta est. (The die is cast.) ` Julius Caesar after crossing the Rubicon
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. ` H. L Mencken, A Book of Burlesques, 1920
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. ` Arthur 'Bugs' Baer
Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. ` Norman Mailer
Alimony: bounty after the mutiny. ` Max Kauffmann
Alimony: The high cost of leaving. ` Anon.
All Americans lecture . . .I suppose it is something in their climate. ` Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance, 1893
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. ` George Orwell
All art is but imitation of nature.
All art is quite useless. ` Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
All cats are gray in the dark. ` Benjamin Franklin
All diagnostics are fatal.
All echelons of the staff will coordinate the configuration of the plans with the requisite tailoring of the overview in order to expedite the functional objective. ` Capt. Scarrett Adams, USN
All excellent things are as difficult as they are rare. ` Benedict Spinoza
All generalizations are bad. ` R.H. Grenier
All great discoveries are made by accident.
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here. ` Dante Alighieri
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
All I care to know is that a man is a human being - that is enough for me; he can't be much worse. ` Mark Twain^"Concerning the Jews"
All in all it's just another brick in the wall...
All is well that ends well.
All laws are basically false.
All Marxists, basically, are reactionaries, yearning for the Oriental despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded the rise of self-consciousness and egoism. ` Robert Anton Wilson, writing as "Justin Case".
All machines are amplifiers.
All men know the utility of useful things, but not know the utility of futility
All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn. ` Ernest Hemingway
All my life affection has been showered upon me, and every forward step I have made has been taken in spite of it. ` George Bernard Shaw (Attrib.)
All our knowledge has its origins in our perceptions. ` Leonardo da Vinci
All people smile in the same language.
All serious daring starts from within. ` Eudora Welty
All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced upon them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else. ` H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)^Prejudices, First Series, 1919
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
All the world's a stage and the people on it are poorly rehearsed.
All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare.
All trends towards Chaos.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All work and no play,^will make you a manager.
All's well that ends.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to make more.
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. ` Irene Peter
Always cut the cards.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. ` Mark Twain^"To the Young People's Society,^Greenpoint Presbyterian Church^Brooklyn"
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
Always remember it is better to give than to receive.  Besides, you don't have to write thank-you notes.
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
Always tell a woman she's beautiful, especially if she isn't.
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
Always yield to temptation,^for it may not pass your way again.
Amateur: one who plays games for the love of the thing. Unlike the professional, he receives no salary, and is contented with presents of clothes, clubs, rackets, cigarettes, cups, cheques, hotel expenses, fares, and so on. ` Beachcomber (J. B. Morton), Beachcomber: The Works of J. B. Morton, 1974
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. ` Charlie McCarthy
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure. ` Oscar Wilde, 'Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young', 1894
America, where overnight success is both a legend and a major industry. ` John Leggett, Ross and Tom, 1974
America - a country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. ` Iohn O'Hara
America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. ` Arnold J. Toynbee
America! the land of the Chrysler 440 cubic inch engine!
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man.
America's dissidents are not committed to mental hospitals and sent into exile; they thrive and prosper and buy a house in Nantucket and take flyers in the commodities market. ` Ted Morgan, On Becoming American, 1978
American capitalism has been both overpraised and overindicted.... It is neither the Plumed Knight nor the monstrous Robber Baron. ` Max Lerner (1902- )^America as a Civilization, 1957
Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them. ` George Bernard Shaw (Attrib.)
Americans like fat books and thin women. ` Russell Baker
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President - but is always polite to traffic cops.
An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did. ` Anon.
An actor's a guy who, if you ain't talking about him, ain't listening. ` Marlon Brando (Attrib.)
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. ` Dylan Thomas (Attrib.)
An aphorism is never exactly truthful. It is either half-truth or a truth and a half. ` Karl Kraus (1874-1936)^Spruche and Widerspruche
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ` Agatha Christie
An aristocracy in a republic is like a chicken whose head has been cut off; it may run about in a lovely way, but in fact it's dead. ` Nancy Mitford, Noblesse Oblige, 1956
An artist should be fit for the best society and kept out of it.
An ass laden with gold overtakes everything. ` Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)^Gnomologia, 1732
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. ` John Buchan
An atom blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
An authority knows lots of things you don't care about.
An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. ` Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant, 1968
An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. ` Ambrose Bierce
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec.
An empty bus travels fast. ` Tom Weller
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
An expert has a great reason for guessing wrong.
An honest God is the noblest work of man.
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An institution is the lengthened shadow of one man. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)^Self-Reliance, 1841
An optimist laughs to forget... a pessimist forgets to laugh.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Analysis kills spontaneity. ` Amiel, Journal^November 7, 1878
Anarchy is against the law.
Anchovies?  You've got the wrong man!  I spell my name DANGER!  (click)
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And here's another clue for you all:  The walrus was Paul.
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the bible were used to beat plowshares into swords... ` Alan Watts
And now, for something completely different. ` Monty Python
And remember - you can't spell AMERICA without the M and the R in HUMOR. ` National Lampoon
And so it goes. ` Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. ` Monty Python
And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.
And they're off!
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
Antelope freeway-1/4 mile.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an Art. ` H. L. Mencken
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it. ` Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
Any given program: Once running, is obsolete.
Any given program: Will expand to fill all available resources.
Any government that's strong enough to give the people everything they want is a government that's strong enough to take it away.
Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
Any man who hates dogs and children can't be all bad. ` W.C. Fields
Any shrine is better than self-worship.
Any sufficiently advanced technology would be indistinguishable from magic. ` Arthur C. Clark
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can be a cartoonist! It's so simple even a child can do it! 'ART' is just a racket! A HOAX perpetrated on the public by so-called 'Artists' who set themselves up on a pedestal and promoted by pantywaist ivory-tower intellectuals and sob-sister 'critics' who think the world owes them a living! ` Robert Crumb, Plunge into the Depths of Despair, comic, 1970
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone want a burger? It has cheese on both sides!
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. ` Samuel Goldwyn
Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work -I merely inflict myself on the public. ` Robert Morley (Attrib.)
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
Anything that can go wrong will.
Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. ` G. K. Chesterton 
Anything worth having is worth cheating for. ` W.C. Fields
APL is a write only language: You can write programs in it; but try and read them!
Appearances often are deceiving.
April hath put a spirit of youth in every thing. ` William Shakespeare
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
Archimedes had no principles!
Are we having fun yet? ` J. Paul Grayson
Are we not men?
Are you a turtle?
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere. ` G.K.Chesterton
Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth. ` Pablo Picasso
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As a goat herd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote.
As a rule software systems do not work well until they have been used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications. ` Dave Parnas, Communications of the ACM (33, 6 June 1990 p.636) 
As far as criticism is concerned, we don't resent that unless it is absolutely biased, as it is in most cases. ` John Vorster (1915-    )^Quoted in the Observer, 9 November 1969
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
As in other things, so in men, not the seller but the buyer determines the price. ` Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)^Leviathon, 1651
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As my poor father used to say^In 1863,^Once people start on all this Art^Good-bye, moralitee!^And what my father used to say^Is good enough for me. ` A. P. Herbert, 'Lines for a Worthy Person'
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
As to abuse - I thrive on it. Abuse, hearty abuse, is a tonic to all save men of indifferent health. ` Norman Douglas, Some Limericks, 1928
As we anarchists say: "There's no government like no government." ` D'Arcy J.M. Cain (darcy@druid)
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. ` George Bernard Shaw, 'The Rejected Statement', 1916
Assembly language is also available. ` Jordan Henderson  (jordan@hackercorp.com)
Astronauts are out to launch.
At a good pennyworth pause a little while. ` Giovanni Torriano Italian Proverbs, 1666
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Atheist...a man with no invisible means of support.
Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. ` Dorothy
Auribus teneo lupum.  (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
Autobiography is now as common as adultery - and hardly less reprehensible. ` Lord Altrincham
Autocracy is based on the theorem that one man is smarter than many.
Avarice, the spur of industry. ` David Hume (1711-1776)^Of Civil Liberty, 1741-1742
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid colloquial stuff.
Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
Avoid criticism-say, do and be nothing.
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
Avoid shifting into reverse while your car is moving; especially while moving at a high rate of speed. ` 1988 Honda Civic CRX Owner's Manual
Avoid temporary variables.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Avoid unnecessary branches.
BASIC is to computer programming as "qwerty" is to typing.
Babies are god's opinion that the world should go on.
Baby carriage bumper sticker:   "POO-POO HAPPENS!'' ` Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)
Baby... ` The Late Elvis Presley.
Bachelors are not fashionable any more. They are a damaged lot. Too much is known about them. ` Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. ` H. L. Mencken
Bad luck is being run over by the welcome wagon.
Badges?  We don't need no stinkin' badges! ` Eli Wallach^(The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly)
Badness comes in waves.
Baloney is flattery so thick that it can not be true and blarney is flattery so thin that we like it. ` Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
Bare words are no good bargain. ` John Clarke (1609-1676)^Paroemiologia Anglo-Latina, 1639
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Be alert, the world needs more lerts.
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
Be braver.  You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.
Be careful what you ask for -  because you just might get it. ` Czech Proverb
Be careful what you wish for; you might get it.
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Be careful!  Is it classified?
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Be cheerful while you are alive.
Be happy with the real pleasures in life.
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
Be like a postage stamp - stick to one thing until you get there. ` Josh Billings
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Be not allured, my friend, by cunning gains. ` Pindar (c. 518-c. 438 B.C.) Pythian Odes, 470 B.C.
Be reasonable.^Do it my way. ` Unknown
Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.
Be seeing you.
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Be sure to treat your assumptions as though they are reality.
Be tender with the tadpole, and let the limpet thrive,^Be merciful to mussels, don't skin your eels alive,^When talking to a turtle don't mention calipee^Be always kind to animals wherever you may be. ` Joseph Ashby-Sterry, 'Kindness to Animals'
Be valiant, but not too venturous.  Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
Beam me up, Scotty!
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Beauty seldom recommends one to another.
Because the water is still, you must not think there is no crocodile there. ` Malaysian Proverb
Because the wine remembers.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Been Transferred Lately?
Beer bellies = great waist.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed. ` East Texas Proverb
Before you trust a man, eat a peck of salt with him. ` Anonymous, derived from Cicero
Beggars should be no choosers.
Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
Behind every successful man-a surprised mother-in-law.
Behind every successful woman-herself.
Behind your back, your colleagues are talking about Jeckyl and Hyde.
Being a great power is no longer much fun. ` David Schoenbaum, New York Times, 1973
Being natural is simply a pose.
Better a steady dime than a rare dollar. ` Anonymous
Better attitudes through chemistry. ` Bruce
Better is cost upon something worth than expense upon nothing worth. ` Roger Ascham (1515-1568)^Toxophilus, 1545
Better late than never.
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
Better to kill time than have it kill you. ` Karl
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Better to send ten ambulances when they are not needed than one when it is.
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
Between two evils, always pick the one you never tried before.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. ` Thoreau
Beware of Bigfoot!
Beware of Dogmas. ` Unknown
Beware of dark rooms... they might be the morgue.
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
Beware of Geeks bearing grifts.
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
Beware of low flying butterflies.
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
Beware the legless man who teaches running.
Beware the new TTY code!
Beware the thirty-first of November.
Bidet?  Try washing your whole body. ` anon
Big book, big bore.
Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
Biggest security gap - an open mouth.
Bimbos should be obscene and not heard.
Biology grows on you.
Biz is better.
Blackberries are red when they are green.
Blah.
Blame Saint Andreas - it's all his fault.
Blame St. Andreas-it's his fault.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Bluegrass is not just a weed.
Borrowers are nearly always ill-spenders, and it is with lent money that all evil is mainly done and all unjust war protracted. ` John Ruskin (1819-1900)^The Crown of Wild Olive, 1866
Bourgeois morality is largely a system of making cheap virtues a cloak for expensive vices. ` George Bernard Shaw
Boycott Clockwork Peach.
Brain fried - Core dumped
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Buffalo is not just the name of an animal.
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Build a system even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucratic organization is like a septic tank: the big chunks rise to the top
Bus error - Core dumped
Business first, pleasure afterward, as King Richard said when he stabbed the other king in the Tower, before he smothered the babies. ` Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
Business has only two functions-marketing and innovation. ` Peter F. Drucker (1909-   )
Business is a combination of war and sport. ` Andre Maurois (1885-1967)
Business is a dump for dreams. ` Philip Barry (189-1949)^You and I, 1923
Business is always business. ` German proverb
Business is busmess. ` George Colman the Younger (1762-1836)^The Heir-at-Law, 1797
Business is like fishing. You have to have patience. ` Leopold D. Silberstein^Penn-Texas
Business is like riding a bicycle. Either you keep moving or you fall down. ` John David Wright (1905- )
Business is more exciting than any game. ` Lord Beaverbrook (1879-1964)
Business is really more agreeable than pleasure; it interests the whole mind, the aggregate nature of man more continuously, and more deeply. But it does not look as if it did. ` Walter Bagehot (1826-1877)^The English Constitution, 1867
Business is religion and religion is business. ` M. Babcock
Business should be like religion and science; it should know neither love nor hate. ` Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
Business will be better or worse. ` Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)
Business will be either better or worse. ` Calvin Coolidge
Business without profit is not business any more than a pickle is a candy. ` Charles F. Abbott
Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money. ` Alexandre Dumas the Younger (1824-1895)^La Ouestion d,Argent, 1857
But Captain-the engines can't take this much longer!
But I don't like Spam!!!!
But in the way of bargains, mark you me,^I'll cavil on the ninth part of a hair. ` Shakespeare (1564-1616)^Henry IV, Part I, 1597-1598
But it is pretty to see what money will do. ` Samuel Pepys^Diary, 21 March 1667
But this is my sister's bike!
But you shall not escape my iambics.
Buy low, sell high.
Buy!  Amdahl Stock to go up 100 points next week.
Buying and selling is essentially antisocial. ` Edward Bellamy (1850-1898)^Looking Backward, 1888
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
By following the good, you learn to be good.
By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be far apart.
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
By the yard, life is hard.  By the inch, it's a cinch.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ` Mark Twain, Following The Equator 1897
Bye Kids! ` Ed Barbara
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
backups: always in season, never out of style.
C is the assembly language of Tcl. ` Karl Lehenbauer (karl@hackercorp.com)
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. ` Fred Allen
Californians are not without their faults.
Call upon a man of business during hours of business only to transact your business. Then go about your business and give him time to attend to his business. ` Anonymous
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?  Yes, work never begun.
Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
Can you remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
Can you whistle 300 baud?
Can you whistle a telephone number?
Can't open /usr/lib/fortunes.
Can't underestimate the power of fear.
Canada: a few acres of snow. ` Voltaire
Cannot fork - try again.
Cannot open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.
Capital is past savings accumulated for future production. ` Jackson Martindell (1900-   )
Capitalism is based on private property, where normal economic activity consists of commercial transactions between consenting adults. ` Irving Kristol (1920- )
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
Careful planning will never replace dumb luck.
Careful!!...you may be the only bible some people ever read.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected; carefully planned projects only twice as long.
Carpe Diem.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Celebrate Hannibal Day today.  Take an elephant to lunch.
Celibacy is hereditary.
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
Center meeting at 4 pm in 2C-543.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Charity begins at home.
Charity:  a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more. ^What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Charm is a way of getting a "yes" without having asked any clear question.
Chaste makes waste.
Chastity is its own punishment.
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Check again to make sure it's not loaded.
Cheech!  Hey!  Cheech! ` Chong
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into.
Chicken Little was right.
Chicken-the egg's way of making more eggs.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children have more need of models than of critics.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
Chown up.  Chow down.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Christmas is over and Business is Business. ` Franklin P. Adams [F.P.A.] (1881-1960)
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
Civilization is a method of living, an attitude of equal respect for all men. ` Jane Addams
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Classified material requires proper storage.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.
Clones are people two.
Clones are people two.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you. ` Song Lyric
Cluttered desk = cluttered mind / empty desk = empty ______?.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
COKE IS IT!
Coastal access, next left.
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know - I've been using it for years. ` Talullah Bankhead
Coed dorms promote campus unrest.
Coffee in England is just toasted milk.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum-I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. ` Ambrose Bierce
Cogli l'attimo 'ogli l'attimo.
Cole's law-thinly sliced cabbage.
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.
Colonel Cathcart had courage and never hesitated to volunteer his men for any target available. ` Joseph Heller, Catch-22, 1961
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Commerce is the art of exploiting the need or desire someone has for something. ` Edmond (1822-1896) and Jules (1830-1870) de Concourt^Journal, July 1864
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. ` Anonymous
Committees do harm merely by existing. ` Freeman Dyson
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
Compassion is the basis of all morality.
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
Compromise:^The fine art of making sure that nobody gets what they really want. ` Anonymous
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer.
Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. ` Joseph Campbell
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers are useless; they can only give answers. ` Picasso
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Computers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but your operators.
Con 'sta pioggia e con 'sto vento chi e' che bssa a 'sto convento?
Concentrate on security.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucious say too damn much!
Confucious say: "I have no time for monks resisting the carnival"
Confusion is always increasing in society.
Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!
Congratulations!  The pressure will stop soon.
Congratulations!  You are the 16,777,216th user to login to our system.
Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Congratulations!  You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.
Conscience is the inner voice^that warns us somebody is looking.
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
Consider your reputation.  Try changing your name and moving to a new town.
Consistency is a paste jewel that only cheap men cherish. ` William Allen White, Emporia Gazette, 1923
Continental Life. Why do you ask?
Convention is the ruler of all.
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
Corporations cannot commit treason, nor be outlawed nor excommunicate, for they have no souls. ` Sir Edward Coke (1552-1634)^Case of Sutton's Hospital, 1612
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal if you don't use your thumbs.
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Courage is fear that said its prayers.
Courage is grace under pressure.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
Courage is your greatest present need.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
Create your own opportunity.  Blackmail a senior executive.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Credo, quia absurdum est.^[I believe, because it is absurd.] ` Tertullian, Roman lawyer, theologian and misogynist; man of questionable judgement
Crime is a logical extension of the sort of behavior that is often considered perfectly respectable in legitimate business. ` Robert Rice^The Business of Crime, 1956
Crime wouldn't pay, if the government ran it.
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
Cultivate happiness and it becomes a habit.
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
Cure the disease and kill the patient.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
Curses! May you be forced to grep the termcap of an unclean yacc while a herd of wild rogue emacs fsck your troff and vgrind your pathalias!
Cutting remarks don't cut any ice.
Cwm fjord-bank glyphs vext quiz.
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
Dad, have you seen Blip? I can't find him anywhere!
Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose^but your chains.
Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Danger! Danger! Danger!
Dangerous exercise-jumping to conclusions.
Dark hair fell in a sweep over his forehead. He looked like a man who would write vers libre, as indeed he did. ` P. G. Wodehouse, The Girl on The Boat, 1922
Darth Vadar!  Only you would be so bold.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Dating is like Geometry: If you've got the curves, I've got the angles.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
De-accession euphemisms.
Dear Teacher: Please excuse my son Joseph's absence on Friday as it was Ash Wednesday. ` Signed,^ My Mother
Death has been proven to be 99 per cent fatal in laboratory rats.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
Decaffeinated coffee?  Kinda like kissing your sister. ` Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)
Decisions terminate panic.
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. ` Senator Soaper
Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. ` H. L. Mencken
Democracy is based on the theorem that many men are smarter than one.
Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means government by the badly educated. ` G. K. Chesterton, New York Times, 1931
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Department meeting in 3 minutes.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Details 20 minutes from now on Action Central News, kids.
Diagnostics can best be understood in the context of the source code.
Did Mt. St. Helens make Seattle Wash. ?
Did you ever expect a corporation to have a conscience, when it has no soul to be damned, and no body to be kicked? ` Attributed to Edward, First Baron Thurlow (1731-1806)
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
Difference between a house and a home-a family.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Diplomacy is the art of giving others your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Diplomacy-the art of letting someone have your way.
Direct action produces direct reaction.
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
Disguise your feelings when you put your relatives on the plane for home.
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
Disk crisis, please clean up!
Disks travel in packs.
DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT blow the hatch!^Roger....hatch blown! ` MAROONED
Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal.
Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Do not be overly suspicious where it is not warranted.
Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Do not believe in miracles-rely on them.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon.
Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Do not learn the tricks of the trade-learn the trade.
Do not lend money to a fiend.
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do not offer a compliment and ask for a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.  (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a))
Do not seek dishonest gains: dishonest gains are losses. ` Hesiod (c. 700 B.C.) Works and Days
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do not speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Do not tell big lies.  Small ones can be just as effective.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
Do not worry about whether or not the sun will shine.^Just be prepared to enjoy it.
Do the joke. Get the laugh. Move on. ` Michael O'Donoughue
Do unto others as though you were the other.
Do unto others before they undo you.
Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?.
Do you have a job?
Do you have lysdexia?
Do you know,^considering the market, there is more^Poems produced than any other thing?^No wonder poets sometimes have to seem^So much more businesslike than businessmen.^Their wares are so much harder to get rid of. ` Robert Frost (1874-1963)^New Hampshire, 1923
Do you know Montana?
Do you know that doing your best is not good enough?  First you must know what to do. ` manufacturing-quality theorist W. Edwards Deming
Do you know what floccinaucinihilipilification means?
Do you really think Iranian terrorist would've taken Americans hostage, if Ronald Regan were president? ` Roger Waters, Radio KAOS
Do you really think third-rate military dictators would laugh at America and burn our flag in contempt, if Ronald Regan were president? ` Roger Waters, Radio KAOS
Do your knees buckle, but not your belt?.
Doc, note, I dissent.  A fast never prevents a fatness.  I diet on cod.
Documentation is the castor oil of programming...
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does your back go out more than you do?.
Does your computer talk to you?
Doesn't matter if it's gold-long as it's silver. ` Anonymous^[probably from American vaudeville]
Doghouse:  A mutt hut.
Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody else does. ` Steuart Henderson Britt (1907-1979)^Quoted in the New York Herald Tribune, 30 October 1956
Doing gets it done.
Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break.
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Don's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Don't ask me what the score is.  I'm not even sure what the game is!
Don't attitudenize. ` Samuel Johnson
Don't be mad about growing old, some aren't that lucky.
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
Don't believe anything you read and only half of what you see. ` Will Rogers
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't blame me! I was dancing Friday night!
Don't comment bad code - rewrite it.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't crush that dwarf;  hand me the pliers.
Don't despair - your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
Don't diddle code to make it faster - find a better algorithm.
Don't dream it, be it. ` The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Don't eat yellow snow.
Don't eat yellow snow. ` Frank Zappa
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
Don't everyone thank me at once.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't gamble with security.
Don't get discouraged... no one is perfickt.
Don't get married.  Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. ` anon
Don't get stuck in a closet - wear yourself out.
Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection.
Don't give up, I'm proud of who you are.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't I know you?
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't keep doing what doesn't work.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't let your mouth run faster than your brain.
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. ` Bo Diddley
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
Don't panic.
Don't patch bad code- rewrite it.
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't shoot the pianist.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Don't stop at one bug.
Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
Don't take life to serious, it ain't nowhow pernament. ` Albert Alligator
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Don't talk to me about appealing to the public. I am done with the public, for the present anyway. The public reads the headlines and that is all. The story itself is fair and shows the facts. That would be all right if the public read the facts. But it does not. It reads the headlines and listens to the demagogues and that's the stuff public opinion is made of. ` J.P. Morgan (1837-1913)
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done. ` James J. Ling
Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
Don't try to have the last word.^You might get it.
Don't use contractions in formal writing.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't vote-it only encourages them!
Don't waste the whole day, laugh at least once.
Don't worry, if everything worked right you'd be out of a job.
Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats. ` Howard Aiken
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today, it's already tomorrow in Australia. ` Shultz
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Don't wrestle a pig in a mud hole. You both get all dirty, and the pig enjoys it.
Double!
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother. ` Kahlil Gibran
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. ` Voltaire
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. ` Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
Down with categorical imperatives!
Down with ignurance!
Draw from your fine command of language and say nothing.
Draw your salary before spending it.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drive carefully, death is so permanent.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Drop that pickle!
Dry dock:  A thirsty physician.
Duck who fly upside down have quack up.
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the Universe together. ` Carl Zwanzig
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.
Duty is what one expects from others.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy based on excellence of performance. ` James Bryant Conant
Each of us bears his own Hell.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Early to bed-makes you healthy, wealthy and boring.
Easy credit terms available... ` Satan (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
Eat drink and be merry for tomorrow you diet.
Eat shit - billions of flies can't be wrong.
Eat yogurt and get culture.
Economics is called the dismal science, but that's just because most economists are dismal scientists.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Economy makes men independent.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one. ` Malcom S. Forbes
Eeeney-Meeney, Chili-beanie, the spirits are about to speak! ` Bullwinkle
Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee.^[A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.] ` Dutch Proverb
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak. ` Bullwinkle Moose
Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. ` Ambrose Bierce
Eh-buh-dee, Eh-buh-dee, Ehhh -^Thhhhthat's all, Folks! ` Porky Pig
Ekkie ekkie phatang zooboing!
Electricity travels a foot in a nanosecond. ` Commodore Grace Murray Hopper, USN
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
Eloquence is logic on fire.
Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Enter your personal identification number.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
Epigrams are macros, since they are executed at read time.
Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more. ` Mark Twain^"A Curious Dream"
Equal bytes for women.
Errare umanum est.
Error is boundless.^Nor hope nor doubt^Though both be groundless,^Will average out. ` J. V. Cunningham (1911-1985)^"Meditation on Statistical Method"^In The Collected Poems and Epigrams, 1971
Eschew clever rules. ` Jon Condon, Bell Labs
Eschew dialect, irregardless.
Eschew Obfuscation.^(Look THAT up in your Funk and Wagnalls!) ` Anonymous
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Ethics does not treat of the world. Ethics must be a condition of the world, like logic. ` Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)^In Auden, A Certain World, 1970
Eureka!
EVIL GENIUS:^Oh Benson, dear Benson . . .^you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence. ` Time Bandits
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness! ` from Fiddler On The Roof
Even a prostitute can't find work in a town full of nymphomaniacs. ` Seymour Merrin
Even a small star shines in the darkness. ` Danish Proverb
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
Even if the story isn't true, it does have a grain of sense and instruction to it, and it's entertaining as well, so it's worth the telling.
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements, sooner or later the product will speak for itself. ` Hajime Karatsu
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ` Will Rogers
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
Even the blind can see money. ` Chinese proverb
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Even though one keeps his nose to the grindstone, it does not mean that he is good for anything besides cutting bread with his nose.
Even though work stops, expenses run on. ` Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C.)^On Agriculture
Ever busy' ever bare. ` James Kelly^Scottish Proverbs, 1721
Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?
Ever just seem to not be able to get around to procrastinating?
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
Ever shoot an elephant in your pajamas?
Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
Ever think about the fact that thorn bushes have roses?
Ever wish you had a copy of tomorrow's newspaper?
Everthing human is pathetic.  The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. ` Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Every actor in his heart believes everything bad that's printed about him. ` Orson Welles (Attrib.)
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up. ` Pablo Picasso
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to PUNT.
Every great man of business has got somewhere a touch of the idealist in him. ` Woodrow Wilson
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
Every man has a scheme that absolutely won't work.
Every man has business and desire, Such as it is. ` William Shakespeare^Hamlet, 1600-1601
Every man has his price.  Every price has its man.
Every man has three characters - that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has. `  Alphonse Karrk
Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse.
Every minute you are angry wastes 60 happy seconds.
Every now and then you have to sit yourself down take stock of your life and say 'What the hell'. ` MGV
Every once in a while I feel that I am at two with the universe. ` Woody Allen
Every one lives by selling something. ` Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)^Across the Plains, 1892
Every opportunity we have to run our R&D scientists and engineers against our customers, we do it. ` George Heilmeier, Texas Instruments Inc., Dallas
Every purchase has its price.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
Every why hath a wherefore.
Every year a few research results pay the freight for all the rest. ` Robert A. Frosch, General Motors
Everybody got someone they call home. ` Roger Waters, Radio KAOS
Everybody need reverse polarity ` Rush, Signals
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
Everybody ought to have a friend.
Everybody sat around thinking about Panasonic, the Japanese electronics account. Finally I decided, what the hell, I'll throw a line to loosen them up... 'The headline is, the headline is: 'From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harbor.'^Complete silence... ` Jerry Della Femina,^From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harbor, 1970
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television. ` David Letterman
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile.
Everyone is enthusiastic about your work.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone ought to have a maid.
Everyone stopping by with unsought advice will see your mistake.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything coming your way? you're in the wrong lane!.
Everything goes on sale ... right after you buy it.
Everything goes wrong at once.
Everything going good? you must have overlooked something.
Everything great in this world comes from neurotics. ` Proust
Everything human is pathetic.  The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. ` Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
Everything hurts .. and what doesn't don't work.
Everything is at the same time; nothing is vice versa. ` Zen saying
Everything put together, falls apart, sooner or later.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. ` Albert Einstein (1879-1955)^Quoted in Reader's Digest, October 1977
Everything should be made as simple as possible but not simpler. ` Albert Einstein
Everything should be transparent to the user.
Everything takes longer than you think it will.
Everything that can be said can be said clearly. ` Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)
Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real. ` Neils Bohr
Everything you know is wrong. ` The Firesign Theater
Everything's coming up roses.
Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only atheists could accept this Satanic theory. ` Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution"
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. ` Ellyn Mustard
Except that right side up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby. There are 152 distinctly different ways and all are right! At least all will do. ` Heywood Broun, Collected Edition, 1941
Excreto ergo sum.
Excuse me, Worker, I'll just be a nanosecond. ` a computer, from Firesign Theater's "I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus"
Excuse me for not answering your letter, but I've been so busy not answering letters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours in time. ` Groucho Marx
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
Exhaustion error: DOS is too tired to boot.
Expansion means complexity, and complexity decays.
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Experience is a comb that nature gives us when we are bald. ` Belgian proverb
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other. ` Poor Richard's Almanac
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. ` F. P. Jones
Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience should be a guide post, but not a hitching post.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail in the same way.
Expert-anyone from out of town.
Expert-knows tomorrow why today's prediction failed.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so.
Express an opinion, but send advice by freight.
External Security:
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character.  Avoid it.
e-credibility: the non-guarantee-able likelihood that the electronic data you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap. ` Karl Lehenbauer
egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministic algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space. ` unix manuals
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a drn!.
Fact-red lights always last longer then green ones.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
Failure is never fatal and success is never final.
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the improbable. ` H. L. Mencken
Falling hurts least those who fly low. ` Chinese Proverb
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
Familiarity breeds.
Fanatics have their dreams, wherewith they weave a paradise for a sect. ` Keats
Fancy gizmos don't work.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Farmers are just plain folks.
Fast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
Fasten your seat belt.
Fatal error at 2dh^^Abort, Retry, Ignore, Curse me out?
Feces Occurs.
Feel good? don't worry, you'll get over it.
Fellow with closed mind often has open mouth.
Felson's Law:^^To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Few have heard of Fra Luca Parioli, the inventor of double-entry book-keeping; but he has probably had much more influence on human life than has Dante or Michelangelo. ` Herbert J. Muller (1905- )^The Uses of the Past, 1952
Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder. ` George Washington (1732-1799)^Letter to Robert Howe, 17 August 1779
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be. ` Charles Brower
Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation or creed. ` Bertrand Russell
Few people have the imagination for reality. ` Goethe
Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Fie on clients who cannot leave copy alone and fie on copywriters who can. ` Harry Pesin, Sayings To Run an Advertising Agency By, 1966
Fiery energy lanced out, but the beams struck an intangible wall between the Gubru and the rapidly turning Earth ship.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Finagle's Law:  The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Finance A man without money is no man at all. ` Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)^Gnomologia
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to tightness of schedule.
First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack. ` George Carrette [1990]
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Flon's Law:^^There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write a bad program.
Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground... and missing!
FORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10"  If that doesn't terrify you, it should.
Follow the advice of your heart.
Follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it.
Food profits rise as you come closer to the table. ` Claude Fuqua Anderson, Clayton
Fools ignore complexity.  Pragmatists suffer it. Some can avoid it.  Geniuses remove it. ` Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept.  1982
Fools rush in where wise men fear to trade. ` Laurence J. Petery
Football combines the worst elements of America:  Mass violence punctuated by committee meetings. ` Author Unknown
Football is an incredible game.  Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable. ` Tom Landry
For a good time, call (408) 555-1212.
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
For adult education nothing beats children.
For all the talk you hear about knowledge being such a wonderful thing, instink is worth forty of it for real unerringness. ` Mark Twain^Tom Sawyer Abroad
For best results, squeeze from the bottom of the tube.
For best results: flip open cap, fill dishwasher dispenser cup(s)... ` Palmolive liquid automatic dishwashing detergent bottle
For courage mounteth with occasion.
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. ` H. L. Mencken
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
For murder is the sport of the elected.  And you don't even need to lift a finger of your hand. ` Police
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
For thee the wonder working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. ` T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)^Four Quartets: East Coker, 1940
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
Force has no place where there is need of skill.
Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
Fort Wayne is not the headquarters of F troop.
Fortunately... no one's in control. ` Willie Nelson
Fortune is like the market, where many times, if you can stay a little, the price will fall. ` Francis Bacon (1561-1626)^Of Delays, 1625
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
Forty two.
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn. ` Rhett Butler
Frankly, my dear Charlotte, I don't give a damn.
Free at last, free at last, Great God Almighty, I am free at last. ` Martin Luther King
Free the Indianapolis 500.
Freedom is doing what you like, happiness liking what you do.
Freedom is slavery.  Ignorance is strength.  War is peace.
Freedom of the press belongs to those that own one. ` A.J. Liebling
Friction is a drag.
Friends are people you can be quiet with.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. ` Dr. Thomas Jones (1916-1981)^Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
Friendship is like wax fruit. It's great until you try to put the bite on it. ` B.C. (Johnny Hart) 
Frisbee players are ultimate lovers.
From an operating system research point of view, Unix is - if not dead - certainly old stuff, and it's clear that people should be looking beyond it. ` Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix^Usenix keynote speech from Summer 1990
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
From now on we shall offer police jobs to qualified women regardless of sex. ` A New Jersey town's affirmative action statement
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads. ` Bryan Sparrowhawk
Fudd's First Law:  "If you push something hard enough, it will fall over."
Function reject.
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. ` H. H. Williams
Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the costs.
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
GALAHAD: Camelot^LAUNCELOT: Camelot^GAWAIN (to the PAGE): It's only a model.^ARTHUR (turning sharply): Shhh!!!  ` Monty Python
Gain is pleasant though it be full of lies. ` Attributed to Sophocles (c. 496 B.C.)^In Erasmus (1465-1536), Adagia
Garbage In, Gospel Out
Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks.
Garlic is to salad what insanity is to art.
Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.
Gather ye rose-buds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying: And this same flower that smiles today, Tomorrow will be dying. ` Robert Herrick
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
General Motors is not in the business of making cars. General Motors is in the business of making money. ` Thomas A. Murphy (1915- )^General Motors
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. ` Thomas A. Edison
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. ` Elbert Hubbard
Gentlemen, it appears to be unanimous that we cannot agree.
Get even...with the people that have helped you.
Get hold of portable property. ` Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"
Get off your ASCII.
Get out the Crisco.
Get the test tubes^and that scale^and get it all outta here ` Steely Dan
Get your facts first... then you can distort 'em as much as you please. ` Mark Twain^Quoted by Rudyard Kipling in^From Sea to Shining Sea
Getting a date with a girl is a lot like getting a loan from a bank -  to get one, you must first prove that you don't need one. ` Brad Kozak
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
Girls just wanna have fun...Guys just wanna have girls.
Girls just want to have fun ` C. Lauper
Girls just want to have lunch ` A. Yankovic
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. ` Calvin Keegan
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. ` Abraham Kaplan
Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.
Give him an evasive answer.
Give me a fish and I will eat today.  Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
Give me all your lupins!
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
Give me librium or give me meth.
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Give up.
Give what you have. To someone it may be better than you dare to think. ` Longfellow
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
Go away, kid.  You bother me.
Go away.
Go Hawaiian: Give your gal a lei.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go!!!
Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon.
Go to your business, I say, pleasure, whilst I go to my pleasure, business. ` William Wycherley (c. 1640-1716)^The Country Wife, 1675
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. ` Reinhold Niebuhr
God bless the Holy Trinity.
God can stand being told by Professor Ayer and Marghanita Laski that He doesn't exist. ` J. B. Priestley, 'The BBC's Duty to Society',Listener, 1965
God does not play dice with the universe. ` Einstein
God forbid that I should be out of debt, as if, indeed, I could not be trusted. ` Francois Rabelais (c. 1494-1553)
God give us relatives, but let us choose our friends.
God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.
God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change, The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect, and the wisdom to tell the difference.
God is dead      - Vichee^^Vichee is dead   - God!
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
God not only plays dice, He sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen. ` S. Hawking
God requireth not a uniformity of religion. ` Roger Williams
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Gold and love affairs are difficult to hide. ` Spanish proverb
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the universal amphitheater.
Good fortune will find you, providing you gave directions.
Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness the poison.
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. ` Fred Brooks, University of North Carolina
Good literature is about Love and War. Trash fiction is about Sex and Violence. ` Author Unknown
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a good day.
Good words are worth much, and cost little. ` George Herbert (1593-1633)^Jacula Prudentum, 1651
Goodness had nothing to do with it. ` Mae West
Goodness is the only investment that never fails. ` Henry David Thoreau
Gort, klaatu birada nikto.
Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.
Grammarians dispute-and the case is still before the courts. ` Horace^Epistles (Ars Poetica)
Grass is nature's way of saying high.
Gravity brings you down.
Great beer bellies are made, not born.
Great googly moogly! ` Frank Zappa
Great minds discuss ideas; small ones, people.
Great spirits have always found violent oppression from mediocrities. ` Albert Einstein
Greatness is a transitory experience.  It is never consistent.
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
Grub first, then ethics. ` Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)^The Threepenny Opera, 1928
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Gun control:  Hitting what you aim at. ` Author Unknown
Gutenberg made everybody a reader. Xerox makes everyone a publisher. ` Marshall McLuhan^Interview in the Washington Post, 1977
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
Hail to the sun god^He sure is a fun god^Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? ` Mark Twain^The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.
Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted, and the trouble is I don't know which half. ` John Wanamaker (1838-1922)^Quoted in Ogilvy, Confessions of an Advertising Man, 1963
Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
Handle yourself with your head, handle others with your heart.
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
Happiness ain't a thing in itself -- it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. ` Mark Twain^"Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven"
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
Happiness is not a destination.  It's the trip. ` Anonymous
Happiness is not an ideal of reason, but of imagination. ` Immanuel Kant
Happiness is wanting what you have.
Happy feast of the pig.
Hard where? Soft where?
Harp not on that string.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:^^Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Harrison's Postulate:^^For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hartley's First Law:^^You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
Has this fellow no feeling of his business? ` William Shakespeare,^Hamlet
Haste maketh waste.
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
Have the courage to live; anyone can die. ` Robert Cody
Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?
Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? ... Was it the power switch?
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?... Did it answer?
Have you locked your file cabinet?
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
Have you seen Quasimodo?  I had a hunch he was back.
Have you tried on your smile today?
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
Hawaii is a part of the United States that is an island and is right here. ` Dan Quayle, while in Hawaii
Hawaii is as American as apple poi.
HEL-lo. ` J. Paul Grayson
He always did have that 'Touch of Madness' that marks the true artist and breaks the hearts of the young girls from fine homes. ` Robert Crumb, Snoid Comics, 1980
He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions...
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
He hasn't one redeeming vice. ` Oscar Wilde
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He know the precise psychological moment when to say nothing. ` Oscar Wilde
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
He smote the rock of the national resources, and abundant streams of revenue gushed forth. He touched the dead corpse of Public Credit, and it sprung upon its feet. ` Daniel Webster (1782-1852)^On Alexander Hamilton, 1831
He spoke with a certain what-is-it in his voice, and I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled. ` P. G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters, 1938
He taught us drawing, stretching, and fainting in coils.
He that blames would buy. ` George Herbert (1593-1633)^Outlandish Proverbs, 1640
He that can have patience can have what he will. ` Benjamin Franklin
He that cannot abide a bad market, deserves not a good one. ` John Ray (1627-1705)^English Proverbs, 1678
He that compts all costes, will never put plough in the eard. ` David Ferguson (died 1598)^Scottish Proverbs, 1641
He that forecasts all difficulties that he may meet with in business, will never set about it. ` James Kelly^Scottish Proverbs, 1721
He that hath a trade hath an estate, and he that hath a calling hath an office of profit and honor. ` Benjamin Franklin^Poor Richard's Almanack, 1757
He that is busy is tempted by but one devil; he that is idle, by a legion. ` Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)^Gnomologia, 1732
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
He that speaks ill of the Mare will buy her. ` Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)^Poor Richard's Almanack, 1742
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
He was kind of a jerk,^He was kind of a boor^But the women would scream^When he walked in the door^'Cause one thing I can tell you for sure^That boy could dance ` Weird Al
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
He who cannot lend, let him take heed of borrowing. ` Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592)^Essays, 1580
He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.
He who enters contest is optimistic as submarine with screen doors.
He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how. ` Nietzsche
He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who hates vices hates mankind.
He who hesitates is last.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
He who is afraid of asking is ashamed of learning. ` Danish Proverb
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks.
He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.
He who knows all the answers never gets asked the questions.
He who knows does not speak. He who speaks does not know. ` Lao Tzu
He who knows others is wise.  He who knows himself is enlightened.
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
He who laughs, lasts.
He who laughs last, didn't get the punch line.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel.
He who reads many fortunes gets confused.
He who receives a benefit with gratitude repays the first installment on his debt. ` Seneca (c. 4 B.C.-A.D. 65)^Moral Essays
He who requires much from himself and little from others will be secure from hatred. ` K'ung Fu-tse
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return. ` South African Saying
He who slings mud loses ground.
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
He who tells you how great he is usually isn't.
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. ` M. C. Escher
He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this!  Do that!"  And nothing will happen. ` Harry S. Truman, on presidential power
He's a wild man. Get out of here.
He's dead, Jim.
He's dead, Jim.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ` Redd Foxx
Hear the other side. ` St. Augustine (354-430)^De Duabus Animabus
Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun,^but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
Heaven and hell is right here, right now... You make it heaven or you make it hell by your actions. ` George Harrison
Hell is for children. ` Pat Benatar
Hell is paved with good intentions' but heaven goes in for something more dependable. Solid gold. ` Joyce Cary (1888-1957)^The Horse's Mouth, 1944
Hell's broken loose.
Hello! I'm Bounder of Adventure!
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Help!  I'm trapped inside an Amdahl 470!
Her life was saved by rock and roll. ` Lou Reed
Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian...but only the brave get scalped.
Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. ` Peter Drucker
Here is the answer which I will give to President Roosevelt... Give us the tools, and we will finish the job. ` Winston Churchill (1877-1965)^Radio broadcast, 9 February 1941
Here's looking at you, kid.
Here's the rule for bargains: "Do other men, for they would do you." That's the true business precept. ` Charles Dickens^Martin Chuzzlewit, 1843-1844
Hesitate or fumble and you are done for. Think only of the jump. ` Virginia Woolf
Hi, kids!  Ed Barbera here!
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hire the morally handicapped.
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
History doesn't repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other.
History is bunk.
History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:^^Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side. ` Han Solo
Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. ` Langston Hughes
Hollywood:  Where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars. ` Fred Allen
Holy Hand Grenades, Batman! ` Robin
Home is  the place where your computer lives and runs your life. ` Chrome Cowboy, sobiloff@Thor.acc.stolaf.edu
Home is the nicest place you will ever go.
Homely truth is unpalatable. ` Mark Twain^The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
Honesty is next to poverty.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense
Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. ` Thomas Jefferson
Honesty's the best policy.
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
Honk if you love obscene gestures.
Honor and profit lie not in one sack. ` George Herbert (1593-1633)^Outlandish Proverbs, 1640 
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
Hope is a waking dream.
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. ` Peanuts
Hors d'oeuvres-a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
Horses with free rein will travel where others have been before. ` John Steinbeck
Hot dogs are best when served with a ballgame.
Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
How about a little fire, scarecrow?
How apt the poor are to be proud.
How are things?
How can a man die with sage in his garden?
How can the arts overcome the slow dying of men's hearts that we call the progress of the world...? ` W.B. Yeats
How can you avoid hurting someone's feelings without being a liar?
How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? ` Firesign Theater
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?^When his lips move.
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
How come we never talk anymore?
How come wrong numbers are never busy? ` Stephen Wright
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
How do I explain to clients that society believes buying a rock (of cocaine) is three or four times as bad as raping a woman? ` Robert Jakovitch, Broward [FL] Assistant Public Defender
How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
How do you make a small fortune in Texas oil?^^Start with a big one.
How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time. ` Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
How high I am  /  How much I see  /  How far I reach  /  Depends on me
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?^^"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?^None, its a hardware problem.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?^^Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
How untasteful can you get?
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How you look depends on where you go.
How'd you make a have out of a has-not? ` Roger Waters, Radio KAOS
HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock as long as they built something.  "They figured that with every design, they were getting a better engineer.  It's a policy I urge all companies to adopt." ` Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak,^"Will Wozniak's class give Apple to teacher?"^EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
Humanity has in the course of time had to endure from the hands of science two great outrages upon its naive self-love.  The first was when it realized that our earth was not the center of the universe, but only a speck in a world-system of a magnitude hardly conceivable...  The second was when biological research robbed man of his particular privilege of having been specially created, and relegated him to a descent from the animal world. ` Sigmund Freud  
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition. ` Isaac Asimov
Humorists...those who can talk sensibly about a controversy.
Hyphenate between syllables and avoid UN-necessary hyphens.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. ` Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband 1895
I am a bad Englishman, because I think the advantages of commerce are dearly bought for some by the lives of many more. ` Horace Walpole (1717-1797)^Letter to Horace Mann, 26 May 1762
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
I am a Millionaire. That is my religion. ` George Bernard Shaw^Major Barbara, 1907
I am a man-nothing human is alien to me.
I am anxyus to skewer your infloounce. ` Artemus Ward [Charles Farrar Brown] (1834-1867)^Works, 1898^From "One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters"
I am being frank about myself in this book. I tell of my first mistake on page 850. ` Henry Kissinger, of his memoirs The White House Years, 1979
I am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoat back. ` a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's "Metrophage"
I am ill at reckoning; it fitteth the spirit of a tapster. ` William Shakespeare (1564-1616)^Love's Labour's Lost, 1594-1595
I am looking for an honest man.
I am made from the dust of the stars, the oceans flow in my veins. ` Rush, "Presto"
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
I am not a crook.
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
I am not in Wall Street for my health. ` J. P. Morgan
I am not young enough to know everything. ` James M. Barrie
I am righteously indignant; YOU are annoyed; HE is making a fuss about nothing. ` Competition, New Statesman
I am thankful for one leg.  To limp is no disgrace - I may not be number one, but I can still run the race. ` B.C.
I am the housekeeper!
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. ` Frank Lloyd Wright
I believe that advertising is an investment where risk taking is inordinately rewarded and where the penalty for failure is not correspondingly severe. ` Chester A. Posey (1896-1971)^McCann-Erikson
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. ` Mark Twain
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. ` Dick Martin, Playboy, 1969
I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and the building started up.  So I took it out for a drive.  A cop pulled me over for speeding.  He asked me where I live... "Right here". ` Steven Wright
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's much too confining. ` Lilly Tomlin
I can relate to that.
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unreasonable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. ` Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. ` Joe Walsh
I can't drive 55.
I can't hear you.  There's a banana republic in my ear.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
I come unbundled.
I could prove God statistically. ` George Gallup
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no socks.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
I didn't graduate "Magna Cum Laude" or "Summa Cum Laude" - I graduated "Laude Howe Cum."
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions -  the curtain was up. ` Groucho Marx
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!
I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing. ` Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895
I distinctly remember forgetting that. ` Clara Barton
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. ` Joe E. Lewis
I do and I do and I do for you kids, and THIS is the thanks I get. ` David Letterman
I do desire we may be better strangers.
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon... ` Lyndon B. Johnson
I do not fear computers.. I fear the lack of them. ` Isaac Asimov
I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature. ` Thomas Jefferson
I do not regard a broker as a member of the human race. ` Honore de Balzac (1790-1859)
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage. ` Noel Coward (Attrib.)
I don't care a damn for the invention. The dimes are what I'm after. ` Isaac M. Singer (1811-1875)^On his sewing machine
I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words. ` Josh Billings
I don't deserve this, but then, I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ` Jack Benny, on accepting an award
I don't even know what street Canada is on. ` Al Capone
I don't find any correlation between size and greatness. ` Woody Allen
I don't get no respect.
I don't know much about Americanism, but it's a damn good word with which to carry an election. ` Warren G. Harding
I don't know what a chamber of commerce is unless 'tis a place where business men go to sleep. ` Finley Peter Dunne [d.b.a. Mr. Dooley] (1867-1936)
I don't know what you mean by YOUR way, all the ways about here belong to ME
I don't meet competition, I crush it. ` Charles Revson (1906-1975)^Revlon
I don't mind dying . . . I just don't want to be there when it happens. ` Woody Allen
I don't mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy. ` Samuel Butler^Notebooks, 1912
I don't see you registered here. ` Grace Bester, University of Hartford Admissions Department
I don't understand you anymore.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achive immortality by not dying. ` Woody Allen
I don't want to be a millionaire.  I just want to live like one. ` Joe E. Lewis
I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.
I dote on his very absence.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing. ` Darse ("Darth") Vader
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
I give them a chance once a year to work me over, and that's enough. ` James D. Finley (1916-    )^J. P. Stevens^Of talking to the press and public^at the annual stockholders' meeting
I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. ` H. L. Mencken
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. ` Samuel Goldwyn
I happen to know quite a bit about the South. Spent twenty years there one night. ` Dick Gregory
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)^Journal, May 1849
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. ` Charles Schulz, Peanuts, cartoon
I have become comfortably numb. ` Pink Floyd
I have been poor and I have been rich.  Rich is better. ` Sophie Tucker
I have had no real gratification or enjoyment more than my neighbor on the next block who is worth only half a million. ` last words of railroad magnate William Henry Vanderbilt
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
I have my clarinet in my sleeve and my breath in my mouth. [I am ready for business.] ` Arabic proverb Collected by J. L. Burckhardt, 1817
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have no time for monks resisting the carnival.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices. ` Mark Twain^"Answers to Correspondents"
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I heard discussion and commentary merged to form dysentery. ` Woody Allen
I heard from my cat's lawyer today. My cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles. ` Johnny Carson, The Tonight Show, NBC TV, 1984
I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents become better people as a result of practicing it. ` Joe Mullally, computer salesman
I just couldn't convince Texans that Dukakis was Greek for Bubba. ` Lloyd Benson
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I kew a girl, she was a macho man.
I knew they could pile it pretty high and pretty deep, but I never knew they could get it to talk.
I know engineers.  They love to change things. ` Dr. McCoy
I know it all, I just can't remember it all at once.
I know karate...and seven other Chinese words.
I know on which side my bread is buttered.
I know that unremitting attention to business is the price of success, but I don,t know what success is. ` Charles Dudley Warner (1829-1900)^Backlog Studies, 1873
I like it better in the dark.
I like the future, I'm in it.
I like the word 'indolence.' It makes my laziness seem classy. ` Bern Williams
I like to be in America!^OK by me in America!^Everything free in America^For a small fee in America! ` Stephen Sondheim, 'America', song from West Side Story, 1957
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity. ` Albert Einstein
I love acting. It is so much more real than life. ` Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise. ` Noel Coward
I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. ` Apocalypse Now
I love treason but hate a traitor.
I marvel at the strength of human weakness.
I may be an idiot, but indeed I am no fool. ` Men at Work
I may not be perfectly wise, perfectly witty or perfectly wonderful, but I'm always perfectly me. ` April D.
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. ` Ashleigh Brilliant
I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it. ` Elaine Dundy, The Dud Avocado, 1958
I must create a system myself or be enslaved by another man's. ` Blake
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up. ` Mark Twain^The Innocents Abroad
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I never came here & I ain't goin' nowhere either. ` Willie Nelson
I never did a thing in all my life, virtuous or otherwise, that I didn't repent of in twenty-four hours. ` Mark Twain^"The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival^of Crime in Connecticut"
I never did it that way before.
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ` Mae West
I never met a man I didn't like. ` Will Rogers
I never said all actors are cattle. What I said was all actors should be treated like cattle. ` Alfred Hitchcock (Attrib.)
I program, therefore I am.
I really hate this damn machine,^I wish that they would sell it.^It never does just what I want,^But only what I tell it.
I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. ` Nancy Astor (Attrib.)
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. ` J. Edgar Hoover
I remember back when a "mouse" had four legs, "PostScript" was what came at the end of a letter, and "Unix" was a term for someone who'd had his works cut out for him. ` Brad Kozak
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's ...
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
I sense danger, Will Robinson! ` Robot YM3
I shall tell you a great secret, my friend. Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day. ` Albert Camus
I shoot the Hippopotamus^With bullets made of platinum,^Because if I used leaden ones^His hide is sure to flatten 'em. ` Hilaire Belloc, 'The Hippopotamus', Bad Child's Book of Beasts, 1896
I shut my eyes in order to see. ` Paul Gauguin
I suggest a new strategy, R2.  Let the Wookiee win.
I survived Catholic school.
I tells 'ee, I means business. ` Thomas Hughes (1822-1896)^Tom Brown's Schooldays, 1857
I think, therefore I am paid.
I think, therefore I am.  I think.
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary.  If it's somebody else's secretary, fine! ` Barry Goldwater
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not.  But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. ` Monty Python
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. ` Oscar Wilde
I think that I shall never see^A billboard lovely as a tree.^Indeed, unless the billboards fall^I'll never see a tree at all. ` Ogden Nash, 'Song of the Open Road',^Happy Days 1933
I think their experience with us may have helped their contemptuousness; the ignorance they come by naturally. ` Chuck McManis (personal communication)
I think there's a world market for about 5 computers. ` Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
I think we're in trouble.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. ` Graffiti
I used to worship the mighty genius of Michaelangelo - that man who was great in poetry, painting, sculpture, architecture - great in everything he undertook. But I do not want Michaelangelo for breakfast... I like a change, occasionally. ` Mark Twain^The Innocents Abroad
I Writing about art is like dancing about architecture. ` Anon.
I want a new drug. ` Huey Lewis and the News
I want life to be exceedingly psychedelic verging on the surreal. ` AJF
I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. ` Graffito, London, 1980
I was angry at a friend. I told my wrath; my wrath did end. I was angry at a foe. I told him not; my wrath did grow. ` William Blake
I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963... ` Joan Rivers, An Audience with Joan Rrvers, London Weekend Television, 1984
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. ` Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. ` Mark Twain^Life on the Mississippi
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died. ` Steven Wright
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion. ` Author Unknown
I wish the Arabs and the Jews would settle their differences like Christian gentlemen. ` attributed to Arthur Ballour and others
I wish they all could be California girls.
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
I wish you the courage to be warm when the world would prefer you to be cool. ` Robert A. Ward
I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth. ` Carl Sandburg (1878-1967)
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. ` Oliver North
I would sooner be notorious than unknown.
I wouldn't mind being poor if I had lots of money.

I wouldn't shoot him if I were you.  It will just make him mad.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. ` Graffiti
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
I'd like to be home, with my monkey, and my dog. ` Roger Waters, Radio KAOS
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
I'll get you Dorothy. . . and your little dog, too! ` Wicked Witch of the West
I'll give you a definite maybe. ` Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
I'm a great believer in luck. The harder I work the more I have of it. ` Thomas Jefferson
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
I'm a Leo.  Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff. ` Tom Neff
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
I'm a programmer, I don't do COBOL.
I'm an influential person - gravitationally speaking.
I'm beginning to wonder why they even set up this office. Industry in New York does not advise the legislators-it controls them. ` Betty Furness^(New York State Consumer Protection Board^Announcing her resignation.)
I'm caught between a scylla and charibdes. ` Police
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I'm just a bad dream I had yesterday. ` Jethro Tull
I'm lost between tomorrow and yesterday. ` Kinks
I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take it any more. ` (from Network, 1976)^Paddy Chayevsky
I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any longer. ` Network
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator".
I'm not a social person but I could fall for a duke - they are a great aphrodisiac. ` Tina Brown, Tatler, 1979
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing. ` Neil Simon
I'm not afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it happens. ` Woody Allen
I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
I'm not overweight, I'm undertall! ` Garfield
I'm not really bad - I'm just drawn that way. ` Jessica Rabbit
I'm not sure office buildings are even architecture. They're really a mathematical calculation, just three-dimensional investments. ` Gordon Bunshaft, quoted in Fortune, 1973 
I'm now at the age where I've got to prove that I'm just as good as I never was. ` Rex Harrison (Attrib.)
I'm okay and you're okay. . . but I'm more okay than you are. ` Unknown
I'm schizophrenic,^What are you?
I'm sick of being trodden on!  The Elder Gods say they can make me a man! All it costs is my soul!  I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!! ` Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee
I'm still chasing girls.^^I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them. ` Joe E. Lewis
I'm trying to loose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I'm walking on sunshine and it's time to feel good.
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
I've never been associated with a loss. I don't know what it feels like, and I don't want to find out. ` Guy R. Odom (1931- )^U.S. Home
Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem.
Idealism rather than dollar-chasing is the motivating force behind big business in the United States. ` Charles Schwab (1862-1939)
Idleness is leisure gone to seed.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
If America is to be civilized, it must be done (at least for the present) by the business class. ` Alfred North Whitehead
If a guy tells me the probability of failure is 1 in 10E5, I know he's full of crap. ` Richard P. Feynmann, "What Do You Care What Other People Think?"
If a man needs beef, he goes to a butcher; if he needs gold, he goes to a banker, if he needs a great deal of beef, he goes to a big butcher, if he requires a great deal of gold, he must go to a big banker and pay his price for it. ` Grover Cleveland (1837-1908)
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a ruby falls in a puddle, it will not lose it's luster. ` Malaysian Proverb
If a string has one end, it has another.
If a system doesn't have to be reliable, it can do anything else. ` H. H. Williams
If a tool is put away when you're sure it won't be needed again, it will. Soon.
If all else fails...lower your standards.
If all men were brothers, would you want one to marry your sister? ` is the title of a Theodore Sturgeon short story.
If all the world's a stage I want better lighting, script approval, and a percentage of the gross. ` Anonymous
If all the year were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work. ` Wm Shakespeare
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. ` W. C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get lots of advice.
If at first you don't succeed you're running about average. ` M. H. Alderson
If Botticelli were alive today, he'd be working for Vogue. ` Peter Ustinov
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. ` Gerald Weinberg
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. ` Alistair Cooke.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
If everything is coming your way, your in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had intended man to have computers, he would have given him 16 fingers.
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
If God had wanted man to go around nude, He would have given him bigger hands.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. ` Albert Einstein
If I had to give a definition of capitalism I would say: the process whereby American girls turn into American women. ` Christopher Hampton (1946-   )^Savages, 1973
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
If I learned from my mistakes then I'd be a genius.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not use.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it. ` Ronald Reagan
If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is to be, it is up to me.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it looks easy, it's tough.  If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it wasn't for time everything would happen at once.
If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer.
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
If it works, don't fix it.
If it's a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within you is destroyed. ` Kahlil Gibran, 1923
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If life had a vomit meter, we'd be off the scale. ` Joe Bob Briggs
If life is a bed of roses, then you must be one of the pricks. :)
If life is a bowl of cherries then what am I doing in the pits. ` Erma Bombeck
If little else, the brain is an educational toy. ` Tom Robbins
If looks could kill it would've been us instead of him!
If love was meant to be easy, everybody would be in it. ` LJS
If Mohammed can't go to the mountain, then that's his problem.
If more than one person is responsible for a bug, no one is at fault.
If no one uses it, there's a reason.
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If not controlled, work flows to the competent person until he is submerged.
If one does not fail at times, then one has not challenged himself. ` Dr. Porsche
If one is forever cautious, can one remain a human being? ` Solzhenitsyn
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. ` Woody Allen
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.  ` The Old Farmer's Almanac
If payment has been recently mailed, please disregard this notice. ` Billing reminder, The Source Telecommunications Service
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect then why practice.
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of PROGRESS? ` Unknown
If Roosevelt were alive he'd turn in his grave ` Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If small sums do not go out, large sums will not come in. ` Chinese proverb
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. ` Pope John Paul I
If something CAN go wrong, it WILL. ` Murphy's Law
If something's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
If standards are not formulated systematically at the top, they will be formulated haphazardly and impulsively in the field. ` John C. Biegler (1921- )^Price Waterhouse 
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. ` Stanley Garn
If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of.
If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it. ` Pat Bahn
If the income tax is the price we have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers. ` Groucho Marx, Newsday
If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"?
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by electricity. ` Samuel F. B. Morse
If there is no wind, row.
If they liked you, they didn't applaud - they just let you live. ` Bob Hope
If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something.
If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
If this were subjunctive, I'm in the wrong mood.
If time heals all wounds, why does the belly button stay the same?
If we can't fix it - its broken!
If we can't fix it - we'll fix it so nobody can. ` B. Gibbons
If we could all hear one another's prayers, God might be relieved of some of his burden.
If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure. ` Dan Quayle, Vice-President of the United States
If we explode the atom bomb would they say that we were dumb. ` Police
If we learn for each success, and each failure, and improve ourselves through this process, then, at the end, we will have fulfilled our potential and performed well. ` Dr. Porsche
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable. ` John F. Kennedy
If we're gonna win, we have to play up to and beyond our potential. ` Don Nelson
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play!
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?
If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable. ` Will Rogers^Autobiography, 1949
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. ` J. Paul Getty
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. ` Lin Yutang
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic. ` Zippy the Pinhead
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. ` Harry S Truman
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you do everything, you'll win. ` Lyndon Baines Johnson
If you do not change your direction, you may end where you are headed.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't get it, you don't got it. ` Shultz
If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. ` Laurence J. Peter
If you don't know where you are going you can never get lost.
If you don't relax, I'll break my fingers. Look at this. The only man in the world with clenched hair. ` Neil Simon, The Odd Couple, 1966
If you don't say anything, you won't be called upon to repeat it. ` Calvin Coolidge
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything. ` F. Jeff Stiles, Southern Baptist preacher
If you don't watch it, you're going to catch something.
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
If you get angry at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
If you get somebody to give you a dollar, they'll vote for you for the rest of their lives. ` Hugh Parmer, Democratic candidate for the 1990 U.S. Senate, from Texas
If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him. ` Cardinal de Richelieu
If you go and mow the lawn barefoot and cut your feet off, don't come running to me. ` Mom
If you have no money, be polite. ` Danish proverb
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
If you have too many special cases, you are doing it wrong. ` Craig Zerouni, Computer FX Ltd.
If you itch for it, scratch for it.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too.
If you lie to the computer, it will get you. ` Perry Farrar
If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very very few people die past the age of a hundred. ` George Burns
If you look just close enough, you can see anything you want.
If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey. ` Earl Wilson
If you love life, it will love you back.
If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it!
If you make a mistake, you right it immediately to the best of your ability.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. ` Snoopy
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
If you see an onion ring... answer it.
If you should put even a little on a little, and should do this often, soon this too would become big. ` Hesiod(c. 700 B.C.)^Works and Days
If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you.
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
If you think education is expensive, you should try ignorance.
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? ` Richard M. Nixon
If you think this fortune is confusing, then change one pig.
If you think you have no faults, that makes one.
If you thought yesterday was bad, wait till you see what happens today.
If you took all the sincerity in Hollywood and put it in the navel of a fruit fly, you'd still have room for three carraway seeds and a producer's heart. ` Fred Allen
If you treat people right they will treat you right; 90 per cent of the time.
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
If you want to cheer up, cheer up someone.
If you want to know everything about me, just look at the surface of my paintings, it's all there, there's nothing more. ` Andy Warhol
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
If you want to look young and thin, hand around old fat people. ` Jim Eason
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If you wish me to weep, you yourself must first be grief-stricken. ` Horace^Epistles (Ars Poetica)
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
If you would be loved, love and be lovable. ` Susan S.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
If you would not be forgotten,^As soon as you are dead and rotten,^Either write things worth reading,^Or do things worth the writing. ` Benjamin Franklin^Poor Richard's Almanack, 1738
If you're feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
If you've got part of it, flaunt that part.
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all. ` Spiro Agnew
If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all. ` a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. ` Ronald Reagan
If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
If your bread is stale, make toast.
If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you were built upside down.
If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance you won't have any. ` Clarence Day
Ignorance doesn't kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot. ` Haitian Proverb
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
Ignorance of the law is no excuse ` I wasn't aware of that!
Ignorance transcends architecture. ` James Gaskin
Ignore previous fortune.
Ignore previous fortune.
Ill ware is never cheap. Pleasing ware is half sold. ` George Herbert (1593-1633)^Jacula Prudentum, 1651
Imagination is more important than knowledge. ` Albert Einstein
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. ` Jules de Gaultier
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism. ` George Bernard Shaw
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
Immortality: A fate worse than death. ` Edgar A. Shoaff
Imperialism is the monopoly stage of capitalism. ` Vladimir llyich Lenin (1870-1924)^Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism
In a civilized society, it is the duty of all citizens to obey just laws. But at the same time, it is the duty of all citizens to disobey unjust laws. ` Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, 1963
In a crisis, you will choose the worst possible course of action.
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologize at once!
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater confusion.
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus. . . one when he was a boy and one when he was a man. ` Mark Twain
In any human endeavor, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level.
In business, everything depends on aid from heaven. ` Talmud
In business the keeping close to the matter and not taking of it too much at once, procureth dispatch. ` Francis Bacon (1561-1626)^Of Dispatch, 1597
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In case of fire....yell "FIRE".
In charity there is no excess.
In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of the word 'frustration'.
In every real man is a child hidden that wants to play. ` Freidrich Nietzsche
In every trade and pursuit of life both the rich and the poor are to be found. ` Talmud


In God we trust - all others require a phase review.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In matters of conscience, the law of majority has not place. ` Mohandas Gandhi
In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
In my end is my beginning.
In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture. ` Nancy Banks Smith, Guardian, 1969
In my experience, the worst thing you can do to an important problem is discuss it. ` Simon Gray (1936-    )^Otherwised Engaged, 1975
In order to be, never try to seem.
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
In software systems it is often the early bird that makes the worm.
In space, no one can hear you fart.
In the ad biz, sincerity is a commodity bought and paid for like everything else. ` Newsweek 1967
In the factory we make cosmetics. In the store we sell hope. ` Charles Revson (1906-1975)^Revlon
In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. ` Andy Warhol
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. ` Robert Lucky
In the future everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes. ` Andy Warhol
In the matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing. ` Oscar Wilde
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool - programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they describe. ` Fred Brooks, Jr.
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. ` John Lilly
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are prepared. ` Louis Pasteur
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
In the state of nature profit is the measure of right. ` Thomas Hobbes (1588 1679)^Philosophical Rudiments Concerning Government and Society, 1651
In the United States, doing good has come to be, like patriotism, a favorite device of persons with something to sell. ` H. L. Mencken
In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is.^That is what makes America what it is. ` Gertrude Stein, The Geographical History of America, 1936
In this fortune, the concluding three words 'were left out'.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. ` Paul Harvey
In two words: Im-possible. ` Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)^In Johnston, The Great Goldwyn, 1937
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Indecision is the key to flexibility. ` Author Unknown
Individualists: Unite!
Inferiority complex:  a conviction by a jury of your fears. ` anon
Infinity is just time on an ego trip. ` Lily Tomlin
Information is the inverse of entropy.
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
Insert your card magnetic stripe down.
Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out.
Inside every large problem, there is a small problem trying to get out.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Institute: An archaic school where football in not taught.
Insurance, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
Integrity has no need for rules.
Interchangeable parts... don't.
Interest works night and day, in fair weather and foul. It gnaws at a man's substance with invisible teeth. ` Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)^Proverbs from Plymouth Pulpit, 1887
Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
Internal consistency is valued more than efficient service.
IOT trap - core dumped
Irregardless of that, my skepticism runneth over. ` George Grayson
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
Is it a game of chance?  Not the way I play it.
Is knowledge knowable, and how do we know?
Is Moby-Dick the whale or the man? ` Harold Ross (1892-1951)^The New Yorker
Is the US ready for self-government? ` Graffito, New York, 1971
Is there anything in the Universe more beautiful and protective than the simple complexity of a spider's web. ` Charlotte (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
Is this a machine?  I don't talk to machines!  [Click]
Is this bullshit or fertilizer? ` Author Unknown
Is this really happening?
Is this the sort of advice you're looking for?-"Make money. Make it, if you can, fair and square. If not, make it anyway." ` Horace (65-8 B.C.) Epistles, c. 20 B.C.
It could be worse-it might be raining.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. ` Thomas Jefferson
It is a common observation that any fool can get money; but they are not wise that think so. ` Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832)^Lacon, 1820
It is a foolish thing to make a long prologue, and to be short in the story itself. ` Bible: II Meccabees 2:32
It is a great art to know how to sell wind. ` Baltasar Gracian (1601-1658)
It is a great help for a man to be in love with himself. For an actor, however, it is absolutely essential. ` Robert Morley, Playboy, 1979
It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. ` Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C.)
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. ` Willie Sutton
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
It is always darkest before it goes totally black. ` Sting
It is always the partner's fault.
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. ` Ovid Ex ponto
It is bad luck to be superstitious. ` Andrew W. Mathis
It is best to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
It is better that a man should tyrannize over his bank balance than over his fellow citizens. ` John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)^The General Theory of Employment,^Interest and Money, 1936
It is better to be deceived by a friend, than to suspect him.
It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not. ` Andre Guide
It is better to be wise then to be smart.
It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
It is better to have loved and lost - much better.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
It is better to have men ask why you have no statue, than why you have one.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and failed. ` motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. ` Mark Twain^More Tramps Abroad
It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because he is not of the same opinion, is a monster. ` Voltaire
It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, admit it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something. ` Franklin D. Roosevelt
It is curious - curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare. ` Mark Twain^Mark Twain in Eruption
It is difference of opinion that makes horse races. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
It is difficult but not impossible to conduct strictly honest business. What is true is that honesty is incompatible with the amassing of a large fortune. ` Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)^Non-Violence in Peace and War, 1948
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. ` Upton Sinclair (1878-1968)
It is difficult to prophesy, especially about the future.
It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
It is easier to stay out than to get out. ` Mark Twain^Following the Equator, 1897
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
It is hard to fly with the eagles When you work with the turkeys.
It is hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
It is important that I don't get too knowledgeable about the past. ` Wallace Booth (1922- )^United Brands On taking over as president, 1975
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
It is impossible to get anywhere without sinning against reason. ` Einstein
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
It is later than you think.
It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
It is more important that a proposition be interesting than that it be true. ` Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)^Adventures of Ideas, 1933
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. ` Richard M. Nixon
It is no sin to sell dear, but a sin to give ill measure. ` James Kelly^Scottish Proverbs, 1721
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river. ` Abraham Lincoln
It is not by any means certain that a man's business is the most important thing he has to do. ` Robert Louis Stevenson (1851-1894)
It is not down in any map; true places never are. ` Herman Melville
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. ` Descartes
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do for which we are accountable. ` Moliere
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and intimidation.
It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is now proven beyond doubt that smoking is the leading cause of statistics. ` F. Knebel
It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances. ` Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
It is rare for businessmen to look upon their civic duties as important. ` Harold Laski (1893-1950)
It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. ` Tom Lehrer
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions. ` Robert Bly
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous. ` Hawkwind
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. ` Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
It is the wise bird that builds its nest in a tree.
It is this simplicity that makes the uneducated more effective than the educated when addressing popular audiences. ` Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)^Rhetoric
It is true that you may fool all the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all of the time; but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. ` Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)^To a caller at the White House
It is well known what a middleman is: he is a man who bamboozles one party and plunders the other. ` Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)^Speech, 11 April 1845
It is when I struggle to be brief that I became obscure. ` Horace^Epistles (Ars Poetica)
It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence. ` W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
It is your destiny. ` Darth Vader
It isn't easy being a fat narcissist. ` Jackie Gleason
It isn't the whistle that moves the train.
It just goes to show you, its always something.
It makes no difference what is it, a woman will buy anything she thinks a store is losing money on. ` Frank McKinney (Kin) Hubbard (1968-1930)
It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It often happens that worthless people are merely people who are worth knowing. ` Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
It pays to remember your social obligations.  If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
It takes a long time to understand nothing. ` Edward Dahlberg
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile Be yourself no matter what they say. ` Sting
It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It takes two to make a bargain. ` English proverb
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous.
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. ` Mark Twain
It very seldom happens to a man that his business is his pleasure. ` Samuel Johnson
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been always thus. ` Dean Lattimer
It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito. ` "Bored of the Rings", a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein
It won't work.
It works better if you plug it in.
It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
It's a bad bargain where nobody gains. ` English proverb
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. ` Will Rogers
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.
It's amazing how much mature wisdom resembles being too tired.
It's better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt. ` Abraham Lincoln
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear. ` Freeman Dyson
It's clever, but is it art?
It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud. ` J. C. R. Licklider
It's easier to do good then be good.
It's easy to suggest the solution when you don't know the problem.
It's funny. You come some place new and everything looks the same.
It's gonna be a long hard drag, but we'll make it. ` Janis Joplin
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
It's hard to be humble when you are so perfect.
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
It's hard to fly with eagles when you work with turkeys.
It's Just One of Those Days ` Weird Al
It's later than you think.
It's more than magnificent-it's mediocre. ` Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
It's name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. ` Mark Twain^Europe and Elsewhere
It's noble to be good, and it's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble. ` Mark Twain^"Remarks at the Opening of the Mark Twain Library"


It's not easy having a good time; even smiling makes my face ache.
It's not even a nice place to visit. ` Fodor's Guide to Perv (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.
It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom window or outside your bedroom, period. ` Groucho Marx
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's only impossible 'til it's not. ` Jean-Luc Picard (from Star Trek: The Next Generation)
It's really upsetting. You give your life for a company, and this is what happens. ` Anonymous clothing buyer, March 17, 1992^Emporium department store^a division of Carter Hawley Hale Stores Inc.
It's running like a scalded dog!
It's six o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your terminal to explode.
It's smart to pick your friends - but not your nose.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
It's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an'^'Chuck 'im out, the brute!'^But it's 'Saviour of 'is country' when the^guns begin to shoot. ` Rudyard Kipling, 'Tommy', A Choice of Kipling's Verse, 1941
It's the nexus of the crisis and the origins of the storm. Queenly flux, external light, or light that never warms... ` Blue Oyster Cult
Italians do it better!
Its hard to be graceful getting off your high horse.
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves. ` Little Richard
interlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify ` Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language
Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
JESUS SAVES, but Clones 'R' Us makes backups! ` William Lewis (wiml@blake.acs.Washington.edu)
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jealousy...all the fun you think they have.
Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes! ` John Wichers (wichers@husc4.HARVARD.EDU)
Jimmy Hoffa-please call home.
John Milton^Never stayed in a Hilton^Hotel,^Which was just as well. ` W. H. Auden (1907-1973)^Academic Graffiti, 1972
Jones' Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Journalism largely consists in saying "Lord Jones Dead" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive. ` G. K. Chesterson^The Wisdom of Father Brown, 1914
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
Judge people by what they are, not where they are.
Just as there is nothing between the admirable omelette and the intolerable, so with autobiography. ` Hilaire Belloc
Just as they are.
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. ` Southern California Oracle
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT trying to get you. ` Anonymous
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you.
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
Just remember wherever you go there you are. ` B. B.
Just think, IBM and DEC in the same room, and we did it. ` Ken Thompson, quoted by Dennis Ritchie
Just to have it is enough.
Just when you think your winning the rat race, along come faster rats.
Justice is incidental to law and order. ` J. Edgar Hoover
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Karl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time allotted it.
Keep America Beautiful....  emigrate.
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Keep grandmothers off the streets - legalize bingo.
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;^Open it and you remove all doubt.
Keep your temper. Do not quarrel with an angry person, but give him a soft answer. It is commanded by the Holy Writ and, furthermore, it makes him madder than anything else you could say. ` Anon., Reader's Digest, 1949
Keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.
Ketterling's Law:^^Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures ` Karl Lehenbauer
Kill Ugly Radio ` Frank Zappa
Kin: An affliction of the blood.
Kindness is like a boomarang-it always comes back.
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.
Kitman's Law: Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
Kix are for trids.
Klaatu barada nikto.
Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Knowing when to optimize is as important as knowing how. ` Tom Neff
Knowledge comes but wisdom lingers.
Knowledge is good.
Knowledge is knowing that you don't know.
Knowledge is power.
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
KnowwhatImean, KnowwhatImean, nudge-nudge, grin-grin, wink-wink, say-no-more, say-no-more! ` Monty Python
Koala Triangle: a mysterious zone in the Southern Hemisphere where persons of talent disappear without trace. ` Barry Humphries, glossary from A Nice Night's Entertainment, 1981
La vache qui rit est jolie. (Laughing cows are pretty.)
Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
Labor under automation must be considered a capital resource with wage costs being treated virtually as fixed costs. ` Peter F. Drucker^America's Next Twenty Years, 1955
Lack of skill dictates economy of style. ` Joey Ramone
Laetrile is the pits.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Last night at twelve, I felt immense, but now I feel like fifty cents.
Last week I couldn't even spell engineer, now I are one.
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
Laughter lub's lifes engine.
Laughter... the no side effect tranquilizer.
Laundry increases exponentially in the number of children. ` Miriam Robbins
Law of Communications: The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
Lawsuit, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
Lawyers work in their briefs.
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.
Lead on, MacDuff!
Leakproof seals... do.
Learn to pause-or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
Learning isn't a means to an end; it is an end in itself. ` Robert A. Heinlein
Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.
Leave no stone unturned.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Lemon curry ?!?
Lend less than thou owest. ` William Shakespeare^King Lear, 1605-1606
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Lesser artists borrow, great artists steal. ` Igor Stravinsky
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let every man divide his money into three parts, and invest a third in land, a third in business, and a third let him keep in reserve. ` Talmud
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him that would move the world, first move himself. ` Socrates
Let me have no Iying: it becomes none but tradesmen. ` William Shakespeare^The Winter's Tale. 1610-1611
Let me play with it first and I'll tell you what it is later. ` Miles Davis
Let me see what happen when you roll your face on the keyboard.
Let me take you a buttonhole lower.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let the machine do the dirty work.
Let thy speech be short, comprehending much is few words. ` Bible: Ecclesiasticus 32:8
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
Let us keep a firm grip upon our money, for without it the whole assembly of virtues are but as blades of grass. ` Bhartrihari (Seventh century)^Nita Sataka
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
Let's do it. ` Gary Gilmore
Let's do the Time Warp again!
Let's go get a pizza!
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Life and liberty are safe only when congress is in recess.
Life has a value only when it has something valuable as its object. ` Hegel
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. ` Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
Life is a banquet and most poor son of a bitches are starving out there... So Live! ` Auntie Mame
Life is a game of bridge - and you've just been finessed.
Life is a game.  Money is how we keep score. ` Ted Turner
Life is a horse, either you ride it or it rides you.
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved. ` Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??)
Life is a rotten job and the hours are a bitch.
Life is a series of rude awakenings. ` R. Van Winkle (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
Life is an illusion and reality is a figment of the imagination. ` The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined.  In fact, there are very few  concepts that aren't.  It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields.   ` Daniel Kimberg
Life is just a party and party weren't meant to last. ` Prince
Life is just one thing after another.
Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by day, in all the thousand, small, uncaring ways. ` Stephen V. Benet
Life is not one thing after another...^^it's the same damn thing over and over!
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
Life is only understood backward, but must be lived forward.
Life is that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Life is to be enjoyed and if it is not, it makes people ill in one way or another. ` Louise Bogan
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
Life is too ridiculous for words!!! ` A. D.
Life is very nice, but it lacks form. It's the aim of art to give it some. ` Jean Anouilh, The Rehearsal, 1950
Life is wasted on the living. ` Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
Life itself is a race, marked by a start, and a finish. It is what we learn during the race, and how we apply it, that determines whether our participation has had particular value. ` Dr. Porsche
Life without industry is guilt, industry without art is brutality. ` John Ruskin^Lectures on Art, 1870
Life's a beach and then you drown.
Life's a bitch and then you die.
Life's a bitch and then you marry one.
Life's the same, except for the shoes. ` The Cars
Life.  Don't talk to me about life. ` Marvin the Paranoid Android
Light at the end of the tunnel? look out for that train.
Like Heav'n, it hears the orphans' cries, And wipes the tears from widows' eyes. ` John Gay (1688-1732) Fables, 1727^Of money
Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. ` Alan McKay
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Listen to that!  Eighty thousand football fans and not one of them is making a sound! ` Broadcast of NFC football game
Live Free or Live in Massachusetts.
Live free or die.
Live in the past and future only.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. ` Josh Billings
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. ` Josh Billings
LOGIN PROCEEDING. LOGIN PROCEEDING.
Loafer- someone trying to make two weekends meet.
Loan someone a sympathetic ear.
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells AWFUL.
Lonely is a man without love.
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
Long life is in store for you.
Look, Muth tracks!
Look, sir! 'droids!
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Look after the molehills and the mountains will take care of themselves.
Look ere ye leap.
Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.
Loosen up, baby, I'm in love with you. ` Robert Plant, Now And Zen
Lord, give me Chastity  - but not yet. ` Saint Augustine
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Lord Falkland's Rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
Lose weight-eat stuff you hate.
Lose weight-put a scale in front of the 'frig.
Losing is the great American sin. ` John Tunis, quoted in the New York Times, 1977
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
Lost time is never found again.
Love and pain only for the foolish, once again try to hide what's there inside. ` P. Benatar
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
Love is a angel disguised as lust. ` Bruce Springstein
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
Love is always having to say I'm sorry. ` Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)
Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love of money is the disease which makes men most groveling and pitiful. ` Longinus (First century)
Love the sea?  I dote upon it - from the beach.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
Love thy neighbor.  Tune thy piano.
Love will find a way if you want it to. ` Yes
Love yields to business. If you seek a way out of love, be busy; you'll be safe then. ` Ovid (43 B.C.-A.D. c.18) Remedia amoris
Love. . . She is Blind, No? ` Pepe LePew
Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul. ` Mark Twain
Lt. Uhura says:Subspace Communications-^It's the next best thing to beaming there!
Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
Lunatic Asylum:^^The place where optimism most flourishes.
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
Machines should work; people should think.
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency. ` Alan Turing
Mad at your neighbor? Buy his kid a drum!
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence
Make a living, but make room for life.
Make a wish, it might come true.
Make every bargain clear and plain, That none may afterward complain. ` John Ray (1627-1705)^English Proverbs, 1670
Make input easy to proofread
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make moderate use of gains: when all is cost, What took a long time to get is quickly lost. ` Attributed to Cato the Elder^Disticha, c. 175 B.C.
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.
Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert.
Man and wife make one fool.
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. ` Oscar Wilde
Man is by nature a political animal.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
Man is what he believes. ` Anton Chekhov
Man who bites bread or eats peas with knife is lost creature.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man will never fly.  Space travel is merely a dream.  All aspirin is alike.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
Managing senior programmers is like herding cats. ` Dave Platt
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)^A Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's Court, 1889
Many a yo-yo think he have the world on a string.
Many alligators will be slain, but the swamp will remain.
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are called, few volunteer.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Many hands make light work.
Many pages make a crowded castle.
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles on very thin paper.
Many pages make a thick book.
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
Manyesmale maken a greet. ` Geoffrey Chaucer (c. 1343-1400)^Parson's Tale, Canterbury Tales
Marijuana won't help an asshole. He can smoke it and... he'll still be an asshole. ` Willie Nelson
Marriage Ceremony:  An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family. ` O. C. Ogilvie
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. ` Voltaire
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
Marry not a tennis player.  For love means nothing to them.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulder, Computer Scientists stand on each other's toes. ` someone on the net, about look&feel lawsuits
Mathematics is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
Mature software:  code old enough that for every bug fixed, one or more new bugs are created. ` Karl Lehenbauer
Mausoleum:  The final and funniest folly of the rich. ` Ambrose Bierce
Max, as a unary function, isn't very interesting.
May all your hang-ups be drip-dry.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
May you live in uninteresting times.
May you never live to see your wife a widow.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. ` Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Meditation is not what you think.
Meekness:  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. ` Ambrose Bierce
Memories of you remind me of you. ` Karl Lehenbauer
Memory Allocation Error ` Crosstalk Mark IV
Memory serves wise commanders. ` Tz'u-hsi, 638 AD
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
Memory: what wonders it performs in preserving and storing up things gone by or rather, things that are! ` Plutarch
Men have many faults, Women only two: Everything they say, And everything they do!
Men have many faults, women only two, all they say & all they do.
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
Men now worship gold to the neglect of the gods. By gold good faith is banished and justice is sold. ` Propertius (54 B.C.-A.D. 2) Elegies
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
Mention money and the whole world is silent. ` German proverb
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Mercantile morality is really nothing but a refinement of piratical morality. ` Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)^Thus Spake Zarathustra, 1883-1891
Merchandising reached its apogee in the Lux advertisements which portrayed two articles of lingerie discussing their wearers' effluvia, for all the world like rival stamp collectors. ` S. J. Perelman (1904-1979)
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Middle Age:^Halfway between adolescence and obsolescence!
Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. ` Groucho Marx
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. ` D. P. Barron
Mind your own business, Spock.  I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
Mind your own business, Mr. Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
Minds are like parachutes... they only work when they're open.
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. ` Jean Cocteau
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it.
Misfortune.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
Moderation in all things, and moderation is the first to go.
Moderation in all things.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Money, th' only power That all mankind falls down before. ` Samuel Butler (1612-1680)^Hudibras, 1678
Money alone sets the world in motion. ` Publilius Syrus (First century B.C.)^Sententiae
Money begets money. ` John Ray (1627-1705)^English Proverbs, 1678
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
Money entails duties. How shall we get the money and forget the duties? Voila the great problem! ` Edward Carpenter (1844-1929)^England's Ideal, 1887
Money for which no receipt has been taken is not to be included in the accounts. ` The Code of Hammurabi, c. 2000 B.C.
Money has no ears, but it hears.^Money has no legs, but it runs. ` Japanese proverb
Money is a good servant but a bad master. ` Henry George Bohn (1796-1884)^Handbook of Proverbs, 1855
Money is a new form of slavery, and distinguishable from the old simply by the fact that it is impersonal-that there is no human relation between master and slave. ` Leo Tolstoi (1828-1910)^What Shall We Do?, 1891
Money is always on the brain so long as there is a brain in reasonable order. ` Samuel Butler (1835-1902)^Notebooks, 1912
Money is flat and meant to be piled up. ` Scottish proverb
Money is indeed the most important thing in the world; and all sound and successful personal and national morality should have this fact for its basis. ` George Bernard Shaw^The Irrational Knot, 1905
Money is life to us wretched mortals. ` Hesiod (c. 700 B.C.)^Works and Days
Money is like a promise, easier made then kept.
Money is like muck, not good except it be spread. ` Francis Bacon (1561-1626)^Of Seditions and Troubles, 1625 
Money is more eloquent than a dozen members of parliament. ` Danish proverb
Money is of a prolific generating nature. Money can beget money, and its offspring can beget more. ` Benjamin Franklin^Letters: To My Friend, A. B., 1748 
Money is the best messenger. ` Yiddish proverb
Money is the man. ` German proverb
Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.
Money is the root of all evil, but man needs roots.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money is the sinews of success. ` Bion(c. 325-c. 255 B.C.) 
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
Money makes everything legitimate - even bastards. ` Hebrew proverb
Money makes the mare go. ` English proverb
Money makes up in a measure all other wants in men. ` William Wycherley (c. 1640-1716)^The Country Wife, 1675
Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love.
Money never cometh out of season. ` Thomas Drake (?-1618)^Pibliotheca scholastica instructissima, 1616
Money purifies all baseness. ` Talmud
Money talks. ` English proverb
Money talks...but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye"
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover in years. ` Henry Fielding (1707-1754)^The Miser, 1733
Monopoly is business at the end of its journey. ` Henry Demarest Lloyd
Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Moral: Design before you implement.
Morality is a disease which progresses in three stages: virtue-boredom-syphilis. ` Karl Kraus
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ` Abe Lincoln
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation . . . ^Film at eleven. ` Reuven Frank
Most of the people who are writing advertising today have never had to sell anything to anybody. They've never seen a consumer. ` David Ogilvy (1911-    )^Ogilvy & Mather
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
Most people raise their voice rather then reinforcing their point.
Mother Earth is not flat!
Mother gonna help to build the wall. ` Pink Floyd
Mr. Cole's Axiom:^^The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
Multics is security spelled sideways.
Mum's the word.
Mumble.
Murphy was an optimist.
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
Music is a higher revelation than philosophy. ` Beethoven^December 16, 1770
Musicians are just playin' folks.
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
My Biscuits are Burnin'! ` Yosemite Sam
My brain hurts!
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". ` Steven Wright
My components are indiscreet.
My computer can beat up your computer. ` Karl Lehenbauer
My computer puts out.
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
My dear boy, forget about the motivation. Just say the lines and don't trip over the furniture. ` Noel Coward,^to an actor in his Nude with a Violin on Broadway,^1957 (Attrib.)
My dog has no nose.
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
My father is a bastard^My ma's an S.O.B.^My grandpa's always plastered,^My grandma pushes tea.^My sister wears a moustache,^My brother wears a dress.^Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a^mess. ` Stephen Sondheim, 'Gee, Officer Krupke',^song from West Side Story, 1957
My father told me, 'If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well'. That's why to this date, I haven't done anything.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My God, Thiokol, when do you want me to launch?  Next April? ` L. Mulloy
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My Karma ran over my dogma.
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion. ` Sting
My mother is a fish. ` William Faulkner
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if i had been one. ` Groucho Marx
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. ` Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)^Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. ` Albert Einstein
My sad conviction is that people can only agree about what they're not really interested in. ` Bertrand Russell, New Statesman, 1939
My specialty is being right when other people are wrong. ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)^You Never Can Tell, 1898
miracle:  an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment. ` Webster's Dictionary
NASA Announces New Deck Chair Arrangement For Space Station Titanic. ` Tom Neff
NASA Awards Acronym Generation System (AGS) Contract For Space Station Freedom ` Tom Neff
Nanu nanu!
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Nature abhors a vacuum. ` Baruch Spinoza (1632-1677)^Ethics, 1677
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature loves a vacuum.  Digital doesn't. ` DEC sales letter
Necessity has no law.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
Neestiko arkoudi dhen horevee.
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
Net-the biggest word in the language of business. ` Herbert Casson
Neuroses are red,^Melancholia's blue.
Neurotic: Self-taut person. ` Author Unknown
Neutrinos are into physicists.
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one.
Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.
Never argue with anyone who buys ink by the gallon.
Never ask a question unless the answer makes a difference.
Never ask of money spent^Where the spender thinks it went.^Nobody was ever meant^To remember or invent^What he did with every cent. ` Robert Frost,^ 'The Hardship of Accounting'
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
Never drink from your finger bowl-it contains only water.
Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lay down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. ` Nelson Algren, What Every Young Man Should Know
Never eat in a place with sliding doors unless you're crazy about raw fish.
Never give a gun to ducks.
Never give a sucker an even break. ` Edward F. Albee (1857-1930)^[W. C. Fields made this remark famous.]
Never give an inch!
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. ` Billy Rose
Never leave anything to chance;^make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Never lie unless you have an awfully good memory.
Never make anything foolproof. Fools are too ingenious. ` Anonymous
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never play cards with a man named Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. ` Nelson Algren
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never promise more than you can perform.
Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black moustache. ` P. G. Wodehouse, Cocktail Time 1958
Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time. `  David Gries, in "Compiler Construction for Digital Computers", circa 1969.
Never replace a successful experiment.
Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!"
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never slap a child in the face-there are plenty of places.
Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
Never take a drink when you are feeling sorry for yourself.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never throw a bird at a dragon.
Never try to catch two frogs with one hand. ` Chinese Proverb
Never try to outstubborn a cat. ` Lazarus Long
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and bothers the pig.
Never underestimate a woman.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb.
New UNIX/TS manuals available in 2F-101.
New York is not the cultural center of America, but the business and administrative center of American culture. ` Saul Bellow (1915- )^Radio interview, Listener, 22 May 1969
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. ` David Letterman
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the auto-biographer is the most suspect of prose artists. ` Donal Henahan, New York Times, 1977
Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity.
Nice guys get sick.
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
Nihilism doesn't exist.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Nip it in the Bud. Nip it - Nip it, Nip it NIP IT! ` Barney Fife
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again. ` The Firesign Theater
No, I don't know his telephone number. But it was up in the high numbers. ` Attributed to John Maynard Keynes
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No analysis is a complete failure - it can always serve as a bad example.
No bargain without wine. ` Latin saying
No experiment is reproducible.
No farting in the car. ` Keychain
No generalization is true - not even this one.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No grass grows in the marketplace. ` Henry George Bohn (1796-1884)^Handbook of Proverbs, 1855 
No great loss but some small profit. ` John Ray (1627-1705)^English Proverbs, 1670
No it isn't!
No man ever had enough money. ` Gypsy proverb
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
No matter how hard you throw a dead fish into the water, it still won't swim. ` Marian Stevens
No matter how you slice it, it's still baloney. ` Attributed to Rube Goldberg (1883-1870)
No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory
No mountain is so high that an ass loaded with gold cannot climb it. ` Spanish proverb
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
No one can get ahead of you when they're kicking you in the rear.
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
No one ever listened himself out of a job. ` Calvin Coolidge
No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. ` Attributed to H. L. Mencken^[Also quoted as: ...underestimating the taste...]
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste or intelligence of the American people. ` H. L. Mencken
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
No one is willing to acknowledge a fault in himself when a more agreeable motive can be found for the estrangement of his acquaintances. ` Mark Twain^The Gilded Age
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
No one tests the depth of a river with both feet. ` Ashanti proverb
No one within an organization really knows what's going on.
No poems can please nor live long that are written by water drinkers.
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
No problem is so formidable that you just can't walk away from it.
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
No problem is too big it can't be run away from ` Linus
No sentence fragments.
No sooner said than done-so acts your man of worth.
No user-serviceable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.
No wife of *mine* is doing any dishes.  That's what we had the kid for. ` from Deathlok comics #1
No writer's life understands that he's working when he's staring out the window
Nobel Prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already reached the shore in safety. ` George Bernard Shaw (Attrib.)
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody can be exactly like me.  Even I have trouble doing it. ` Tallulah Bankhead
Nobody can give you freedom. ` Malcolm X
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. ` K. Hubbard
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little. ` Edmund Burke
Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than the man who inherited his father's store or farm. ` C. Wright Mills (1916-1962)
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
Nodding the head does not row the boat. ` Irish Proverb
Noncombatant:  A dead Quaker. ` Ambrose Bierce
None love the bearer of bad news. ` Sophocles
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
Not every question deserves an answer. ` Puvlilius Syrus^Senentiae
Not now, Kato.
Not one tenth of us who are in business are doing as well as we could if we merely followed the principles that were known to our grandfathers. ` William Feather
Not only does God play dice with the universe, but sometimes he throws them where they cannot be seen. ` Stephen Hawking
Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think. ` Werner Heisenberg
Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing computes anymore.
Nothing endures but change.
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced - even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. ` John Keats
Nothing ever goes away.
Nothing I have said is factual except the bits that sound like fiction. ` Clive James, Unreliable Memoirs, 1980
Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan. We may as well think of rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant. ` Edmund Burke
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is but what is not.
Nothing is done until nothing is done.
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him. ` Fyodor Dostoevski
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Nothing is skinnier than nothing.
Nothing is so fallacious as facts, except figures. ` George Canning (1770-1827)
Nothing is so firmly believed as which is least known.
Nothing is sometimes the best thing to say.
Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster than being elected.
Nothing makes a vacation seem better then hindsight.
Nothing remains the same. When a man goes back to look at the house of his childhood, it has always shrunk: there is no instance of such a house being as big as the picture in memory and imagination calls for. ` Mark Twain^Letter to William Dean Howells
Nothing stings more deeply than the loss of money. ` Livy (59 B.C.-A.D. 17)^History of Rome
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Nothing succeeds like-failure. ` Oliver Herford (1863-1935)
Nothing wenchered, nothing gained.
Nothing will ever happen to you.
Nothing you can't spell will ever work. ` Will Rogers
Now, more than ever, it is evident that 'good taste' only refers to that which reinforces the status quo. ` Andre Peret
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Now bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible - yea, and get the better of them. ` W. Shakespeare, JULIUS CAESAR
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. ` Monty Python
Now I believe there comes a time When everything just falls in line. ` Pat Benatar
Now I lay me down to sleep^I hear the sirens in the street^All my dreams are made of chrome^I have no way to get back home ` Tom Waits
Now!  At last, a cologne for the masses: "Eau Da Dew Dah Dey!"
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck! [POP!] Oooooooh, a wise guy!
O accurst craving for gold! ` Virgil (70-19 B.C.)
O money, money, how blindly thou hast been worshipped, and how stupidly abused! Thou art health, and liberty, and strength; and he that has thee may rattle his pockets at the foul fiend. ` Charles Lamb (1775-1834)^Letter to Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 1809
Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. ` Ambrose Bierce
Odd things animals. All dogs look up to you. All cats look down to you. Only a pig looks at you as an equal. ` Winston Churchill (Attrib.)
Of all employments from which gain is derived, there is none that surpasses agriculture, none more productive, none more delightful, none more worthy of a man of liberal education. ` Cicero (10-43 B.C.) De officiis
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all forms of tyranny, the least attractive and the most vulgar is the tyranny of mere wealth, the tyranny of plutocracy. ` Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)^Autobiography, 1913
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
Of all the forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all the gin joints in the world, she had to pick this one ` Rick (Humphrey Bogart)^Cassablanca
Of course I can keep secrets.  It's the people I tell them to that can't keep them. ` Anthony Haden-Guest
Of course the US Constitution isn't perfect; but it's a lot better than what we have now. ` Eric Sheppard (Ce1zzes@prism.gatech.EDU)
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts - for support rather than illumination.
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
Oh, Nicky, you're such a tool.
Oh, what tangled webs we weave When we first practice to deceive. ` Sir Walter Scott
Oh - to be in L.A. when the polyethyl-vinyl trees are in bloom! ` Herb Gold
Oh boy, virtual memory! Now I'm gonna make myself a REALLY BIG ram disk! ` lennox@shire.hw.stratus.com
Oh my!   Another kludge!
Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
Oh wearisome condition of humanity!  Born under one law, to another bound.
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
Oh!  I thought that was a parrot!.   No, no... They turn that color.
Old age = you + 20 years.
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. ` Trotsky
Old age needs so little, but it needs that little so much.
Old bakers never die, they just quit making dough.
Old doughnut makers never die, they just get tired of the whole business.
Old frogs never die, But they do croak!
Old frogs never die...but they do croak.
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
Old is needing a fire permit for your birthday cake.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples.
Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad examples.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
Old? The only thing that kept it standing was the woodworm holding hands. ` Jerry Dennis
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:^^"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong." ` Wolfgang Pauli
On all LaserGrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University. ` John Lions (U. of Toronto (?))
On the one hand, loss implies gain; on the other hand, gain implies loss. ` Lao-tze (c. 604-c. 531 B.C.)^Tao-Te-ching
On the way to the corner, a dropped tool will land on your foot.
On the whole, I'd rather be in Paris. . . Philadelphia would do. ` W.C. Fields
On y soit, qui mal y pense.^(You are what you think.)
Once a can of worms is opened, the only way to recan them is in a bigger can.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. ` Horace (65-8 B.C.)^Epistles
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
One Bell System - it works.
One bag of money is stronger than two bags of truth. ` Danish proverb
One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
One day you will find yourself and be quite disappointed.
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim. ` Henry Brook Adams
One funged curve is worth a thousand weasel words.
One good turn deserves another.
One good turn gets the whole blanket.
One lie or one peanut...one leads to another.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One must deal openly and fairly with one's forces if maximum effectiveness is to be achieved. ` D. Vader (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
One of it's legs is both the same.
One of the first declarations of business philosophy I heard from my father, soon after I came to work at Neiman-Marcus in 1926, was, "There is never a good sale for Neiman-Marcus unless it's a good buy for the customer." ` Stanley Marcus (1905-    )^Neiman-Marcus
One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people. ` G. Khan (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. ` Mark Twain (1835-1910)^Pudd'nhead Wisdom, 1894
One person's constant is another person's variable. ` Susan Gerhart^Microelectronics and Computer Technology Corp
One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below.
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything. ` Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance, 1893
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
One will not have needed the future perfect in one's entire life.
One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.
One's religion is whatever he is most interested in, and yours is Success. ` James M. Barrie (1860-1937)^The Twelve-Pound Look, 1910
Only a ballplayer's errors are published every day.
Only a fool has no doubts.
Only a mediocre man is always at his best. ` W. Somerset Maugham
Only a sadistic scoundrel - or a fool - tells the bald truth on social occasions.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Only adults have trouble with child-proof bottles.
Only constant repetition will finally succeed in imprinting an idea on the memory of the crowd. ` Adolf Hitler^Mein Kampf
Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd. ` Allan Goldfein
Only fools are quoted.
Only fools say it can't be done.
Only the good die young. ` B. Joel
Only the shallow know themselves. ` Oscar Wilde
Only the wildest animals need cages. ` Donald Hall
Only those with nothing to be sorry for smile back at the rear of an elephant.
Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is in the wrong. There is no other time. ` Mark Twain^"Glances at History^(unsuppressed)"
Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached the age to write an autobiography. ` Evelyn Waugh (Attrib.)
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings
Opportunity is the great bawd. ` Benjamin Franklin^Poor Richard's Almanack
Optimist is person who thinks he can break up traffic jam by blowing horn.
Optimist: day-dreamer more elegantly spelled. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
Oregonians don't tan, they rust.
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Ours is not so much an age of vulgarity as of vulgarization; everything is tampered with or touched up, or adulterated or watered down, in an effort to make it palatable, in an effort to make it pay. ` Louis Kronenberger (1904-1980)^Company Manners, 1954
Out! Out, damned spot! ^- Lady MacBeth ` William Shakespeare
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.
Overload-core meltdown sequence initiated.
Overwrite existing keystroke macro [yn]? ` BRIEF Editor
P-K4.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. ` Author Unknown
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
Palindrome isn't one.
Panic: can't find  rm -rf *
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Parkinson's First Law:^Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. ` C. Northcote Parkinson
Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time allotted it.
Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.
Parsley is gharsley.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. ` Eric Hoffer
Password:
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Patch griefs with proverbs.
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
Pause for storage relocation.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains.
Paybacks are Hell. ` Karyl D. Piers^(attributed)
Peanut butter.
Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more damaging to an individual than the use of the drug itself. ` President Jimmy Carter, August 2, 1977
People are more than fun than anybody. ` Dorothy Parker
People don't form relationships, they take hostages. ` anon
People humiliating a salami!
People should be measured in feats, not feet.
People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none.
People that are too eager to please are, more often than not, not very pleasing. ` Marquis de Sade
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears.  I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them. ` Steven Wright
People Who Do Things exceed my endurance; God, for a man that solicits insurance! ` Dorothy Parker, 'Sunset Gun', 1928
People who are grateful are usually good.
People who can least afford to pay rent pay rent.
People who can most afford to pay rent build equity.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. ` Ogden Nash
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People who think they know it all are especially annoying to those who do.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer. ` Sinclair Lewis
People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
People with no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them
Perestroika: could it happen here? ` Tom Neff
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse. ` C. N. Parkinson
Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle that they burned Rome.
Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things. ` Robert Louis Stevenson^Virginibus Puerisque, 1881
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it  will be shot.^ - By Order of the Author. ` Mark Twain
Peters hungry, time to eat lunch.
Ph.D.: Piled Higher & Deeper.
Phasors locked on target, Captain.
Philadelphia isn't dull - it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, NJ.
Philadelphia just seems dull because it's next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Philanthropist, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
Philosophy:  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. ` Ambrose Bierce
Philosophy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
Phone call for cbh.
Physician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. ` Ambrose Bierce
PI seconds is a nanocentury. ` Tom Duff, Bell Labs
Pilots are just plane folks.
Pink is the navy blue of India. ` Attributed to Diana Vreeland (1903-    )
Pipe gives wise man time to think and fool something to stick in mouth.
PLEASE LOG OFF!.... NOW ! ! !
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week.
Plastic packaged foods are very uncanny.
Play it once, Sam - for old time's sake. . . Play As Time Goes By ` Elsa (Ingrid Bergman)^Cassablanca
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will have me as a member. ` Groucho Marx
Please do not shoot the pianist.  He is doing his best.
Please go away.
Please take cash.
Please update your programs.
Plow a straight furrow and you're in a rut.
Poetry, like chastity, can be carried to far. ` Mark Twain
Pohl's law:^^Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Police up your spare rounds and frags.  Don't leave nothin' for the dinks. ` Willem Dafoe in "Platoon"
Politician:  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared.  When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. ` Ambrose Bierce
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. ` Arthur C. Clarke
Politics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. ` Ambrose Bierce
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Poor dead, there's nothing between his ears. ` Margaret Thatcher, about Ronald Regan, in the 6/2/88 issue of The New York Times
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Pounds are the sons, not of pounds, but of pence. ` Charles Buxton (1822-1871)
Poverty is the root of all evil.
Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Power does not corrupt fools, but fools corrupt power.
Power is poison.
Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. ` Lord Acton
Practice is the best of all instructors. ` Publilius
Practice makes perfect, but no-one's perfect, so why practice?
Practice yourself what you preach.
Practiss makes perfict.
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
Pray for the success of atheism.
Pray for what you want but work for what you need.
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. ` Russian Proverb
Pray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. ` Ambrose Bierce
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. ` Niels Bohr
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Presidency:  The greased pig in the field game of American politics. ` Ambrose Bierce
Pressure is the normal force acting upon an engineer.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Prevent security leaks.
Preventing baldness is simple. Just knot your hair from the inside.
Pride is what we have...vanity is what others have.
Primitive society tells us where it's at. Our business is basically sex and hunger. ` Henry G. Walter, Jr. (1910- )^International Flavors & Fragrances
Private faces in public places are wiser and nicer than public faces in private places. ` W. H. Auden
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Proboscis:  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. ` Ambrose Bierce
Procrastination-the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. ` Troutman's Second Programming Postulate
Professional wrestling:  ballet for the common man.
Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark. ` Anon.
Profit is better than fame. ` Danish proverb
Profitability is the sovereign criterion of the enterprise. ` Peter F. Drucker
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Programmers get overlaid.
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
Prolonged contact with computers turns mathematicians into clerks and vice versa.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Pronounce your prepositions, damn it!
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Proper treatment can cure a cold in seven days - but left to itself it'll hang on for a week.
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't feel like it.
Prosperity is when your conversation changes^from car pools to swimming pools.
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
Prototype designs always work.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Pssst.   The root password is 'kumquat'.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychoanalysis is the mental illness it purports to cure. ` Karl Kraus
PURGE COMPLETE.
Public money is like holy water; everyone helps himself. ` Italian proverb
Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality.
Publish or Perish. ` Unkown
Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad.
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the T.V. screen.
Put 'em in the trunk.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. ` Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)^The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, 1858
Put people on hold when possible.
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Put your genius into your life.  Put only your talent into your work.
Put your nose to the grindstone and you're a bloody fool.
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?^A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Q: What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?^A: You can't wash your hands in a buffalo. ` Anon.
Quack!
Quando IL gioco si fa duro, i duri cominciano a giocare.
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
Quarrels would not last so long if the fault were only on one side. ` Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld^(1613-1680) - Maximes, 1664
Quick to judge, quick to anger^Slow to understand^Ignorance and prejudice^and fear walk hand in hand. ` Rush, Permanent Waves
Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work!
Quit work and play for once!
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi.^(What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.)
R&D is not something that can be useful alone... R&D is part of a product-making process. ` Ralph E. Gomory, Alfred P. Sloan Foundation, New York City
Racial characteristics: violently loud alcoholic roughnecks whose idea of fun is to throw up on your car. The national sport is breaking furniture and the average daily consumption of beer in Sydney is ten and three quarters Imperial gallons for children under the age of nine. ` P. J. O'Rourke, 'Foreigners Around the World',National Lampoon, 1976
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Radix malorum est eupiditas. ` Geoffrey Chaucer (c. 1343-1400)^Pardoner's Prologue, Canterbury Tales
Rage is a wind that blows out the candle of reason. ` Author Unknown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
Raise ducks for a quack profit.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Ranger is very!
Rank has its privileges.
Read the best books first or you may not have a change to read them at all. ` 
Read your Amdahl Business Practices.
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Reading is to the Mind, what exercise is to the Body. ` Joseph Addison
Reading legal mush can turn your brain to guacamole! ` Amiga ROM Kernel Manual
Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man. ` Francis Bacon (1561-1626)^Of Studies, 1625
Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience.
Ready money is Aladdin's lamp. ` George Gordon, Lord Byron^Don Juan, 1823
Real joy comes from doing something worthwhile.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. ` Confucius
Real wealth can only increase. ` R. Buckminster Fuller
Reality does not exist - yet.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
Reality is for those who lack imagination (or can't handle heavy drugs).
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is often inaccurate. ` Doug Adams
Reality-what a concept!
Reality...^^What a Concept. ` Robin Williams
Rebellion is like witchcraft. That's what it is, it's like witchcraft. ` Missouri State Rep. Jean Dixon, on labeling "offensive music".  USA Today, March 20, 1990
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
Reduce your IOU to IRS with an IRA.
Refreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door. ` Martin Amis, "Money"
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
Rehumanize yourself!
Religion without science is blind. Science without religion is lame. ` Albert Einstein
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Remember, Unix on some machines is nUxi.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid^doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Remember, an int is not always 16 bits.  I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one step closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is asymptotically approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by some Unix vendors...? ` Derek Terveer
Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat. ` Lily Tomlin
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. ` Frank Zappa
Remember always, that you have not only the right to be an individual, you have the obligation to be one. ` Eleanor Roosevelt
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. ` Fran Lebowitz, 'Tips for Teens', Social Studies, 1981
Remember that two wrongs do not make a right - but that three lefts do.
Remember the Alamo.
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. ` Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football team
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Reputation is what others are not thinking about you.
Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.
Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has.
Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
Resist everything but temptation.
Respect must be earned, not commanded.
Rest assured that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
Retribution will be yours.
Revelation is always measured by capacity. ` Margaret Fairless Barber
RICHARD: What's your sign?^VlCTORIA: I'm sorry - it's unlisted. ` Mel Brooks, High Anxiety, screenplay, 1977
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
Riches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." ` John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)
Roll up your sleeves...and you won't lose your shirt.
Rome was not built in one day.
Rosebud! ` Charles Foster Kane (Orson Wells) in Citizen Kane
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. ` W. Shakespeare, HAMLET
Roses are red, violets are blue; I'm schizophrenic and so am I. ` Author Unknown
Rotten wood cannot be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
Royalties are nice and all but shaking the beads brings in money quicker. ` Gypsy Rose Lee (1914-1970)
RTFM
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way to insure hairy fingers.
Rule of Feline Frustration:^^When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
Run away!
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
Safety is better than the wrong answer.
Saint:  A dead sinner revised and edited. ` Ambrose Bierce
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent. ` George Orwell
Salary is no object: strive only to keep body and soul apart.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Sarcasm: barbed ire. ` Author Unknown
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Save energy, be apathetic.
Save gas, don't eat beans.
Save gas, don't use the shell.
Save our virgin forests -^buy a tree a chastity belt.
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
Say, can I use that in my book?^(Bartlett's most familiar quotation) ` John Bartlett
Say nothing and they think your stupid... talk and they know for sure.
Say the secret woid and the duck is yours.
Say the secret word and you win $100.
Say what you will against money - it is always a good Catholic. ` Spanish proverb
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. ` Albert Einstein
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
Scratch an actor - and you'll find an actress. ` Dorothy Parker (Attrib.)
Sculpture is what you bump into when you back up to look at a painting. ` Ed Reinhart
Sculpture: mud pies that endure.
SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is backwards.
`SEAGOON: He's been buried alive under a thousand tons of earth.^MINNIE: Thank heavens he's safe. ` The Goon Show, BBC Radio, 1959
SEMPER UBI SUB UBI !!!!
Sears has everything.
Sears Roebuck & Co. Chicago. Capital and Surplus: Over Five Million Dollars Fully-Paid. Reference By Special Permission: First National Bank, Chicago. Corn Exchange Nat'l Bank, Chicago. National City Bank, New York. Second National Bank, Boston. We Have No Agents or Solicitors-Persons Claiming to be Our Representatives are Swindlers. ` Sears' catalogue (cover copy), 1905
Second chances aren't usually associated with first impressions.
Second-rate people hire third-rate people.
Security is the individual's responsibility.
Security is your responsibility.
Seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
Sell short.
Semper Fi, dude.
Senor Dali,^Born delirious,^Considers it folly^To be serious . . . ` Phyllis McGinley, Times Three: 1932-1960, 1960
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Serfs up! ` Spartacus
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Set the cart before the horse.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Seven per cent has no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days. ` Josh Billings
Sex causes cancer.  We'd wipe out cancer in one generation if no one had sex.
Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. ` Joseph Fischer
Sex is like air.  It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like snow...^^You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased.
She cried - and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. ` Tommy Manville, thirteen-times divorced American millionaire
She is the sovereign queen of all delights; For her the lawyer pleads, the soldier fights. ` Richard Barnfield (1574-1627)^The Encomium of Lady Pecunia Of money
She just, turns around and disappear. I kinda like that style.
She looked, as far as her clothes went, as though she had been pulled through brambles and then pushed through a thin tube. ` Gwyn Thomas, The Alone to the Alone, 1947
She loves you as much as she can, which is not very much.
She may very well pass for forty-three in the dusk with a light behind her.
She sells cshs by the cshore.
She was a vivacious girl, not pretty by any accepted standards, if anything ugly by any accepted standards, but she could speak Latin and foot a quadrille and sometimes the two simultaneously if the tempo was right. ` Denis Norden, Upon My Word, 1974
She was another one of his near Mrs. ` Alfred McFote
She who hesitates is won.
She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. ` Oscar Wilde, An ldeal Husband, 1895
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. ` Gypsy Rose Lee
Sheep are best!
Shift to the left!  Shift to the right!  Pop up, push down!  Byte, byte, byte!
Shine on, you crazy diamond!
Ship it.
Ships don't come in, they're built. ` anon
Shit Happens.
Short circuits got no reason to live.
Short cut... the longest distance between two points.
Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all. ` Winston Churchill^Saying
Should you be a teenager blessed with uncommon good looks, document this state of affairs by the taking of photographs. It is the only way anyone will ever believe you in years to come. ` Fran Lebowitz, 'Tips for Teens, Social Studies, 1981
Show respect for age.  Drink good scotch for a change.
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
Show your appreciation for your lover with a surprise small gift.
Shower the people you love with your love.
Shower with the people you love.
Shut the door. Not that it lets in the cold but that it lets out the cozyness. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
Sigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire field of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry.
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
Sign on bank:  "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT."
Sign up now for the summarizing Proust competition!
Silence cannot be misquoted.
Simon darling, I'm afraid you will have to speak to the children. I caught Tristram believing in God yesterday. ` Marc, The Trendy Ape, cartoon, 1968
Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
Since wars begin in the minds of men, it is in the minds of men that the defenses of peace must be constructed. ` UNESCO charter
Single tasking: Just Say No.
Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
Sirs, I have tested your machine. It adds a new terror to life and make death a long felt want. ` Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree (1853-1917)^To a gramophone company^that asked for a testimonial
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work
Small business is the biggest business of them all. ` J. E. Murray
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
Small is beautiful. 
Small programs are for small minds.
Small things make base men proud.
Smile, tomorrow will be worse.
Smile!   You're on Candid Camera.
Smile!  It makes people wonder what your up to.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
Smile... things can always get worse.
Smoke no peaches.
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that go away if ignored long enough.
Snow Day - stay home.
So far from God, so close to the United States ` Old Mexican proverb
So long, and thanks for all the fish. ` Douglas Adams
So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
So soon as we begin to count the cost, the cost begins. ` Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)^Winter, 18 January 1841
So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and our doubts serve to reassure us. ` Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest
So you're back.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. ` Mark Twain^"The Facts Concerning the Recent Resignation"
Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
Society is a mule, not a car; if pressed harder, it will kick and throw you off
Soitenly! Nuk, Nuk, Nuk, Nuk! ` Curly Howard
Solitude... a great place to visit, but a bad place to stay.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some men are not fools, they stayed bachelors.
Some of the greatest love affairs I've known involved one actor, unassisted. ` Wilson Mizner (Attrib.)
Some of us quit looking for work when we find a job.
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. ` Joseph Heller
Some people are educated beyond their intelligence.
Some people aren't hard of hearing, but hard of listening.
Some people believe anything if you whisper it.
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some people fall for everything and stand for nothing.
Some people have one of those days. i have one of those lives!
Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children. I would prefer to achieve it by not dying. ` Woody Allen
Some people march to the beat of a different drummer- and some polka.
Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt. ` Frank McKinney ("Kin") Hubbard (1868-1930)
Some people spend their lives traveling the world over...^Only to find happiness lies right in their own back yard...^Mine just has a big puddle from last nights' rain!! ` Ziggy
Some people strengthen the society just by being the kind of people they are. ` John Gardner
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. ` Ralph Hodgson
Some would sooner die than think.  In fact, they often do. ` Bertrand Russell
Somehow, somewhere along the line, this town lost its pride.
Someone close to you is taking advantage of your trust.
Someone is speaking well of you.  How unusual!
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
Sometimes, too long is too long. ` Joe Crowe
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. ` Sigmund Freud
Sometimes a fool gets lucky and wins. ` Scandal
Sometimes bad is bad. ` Huey Lewis and the News
Sometimes let things happen but sometimes make things happen.
Sometimes you get the elevator and sometimes you get the shaft.
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Sorry, computer foul-up!
Sorry, no fortune this time.
Sorry.
Sorry.   Nice try.
Spare the rod and spoil the drag race.
Speak silver, reply gold. ` Swahili proverb
Speak the truth but leave immediately after. ` Yugoslav Proverb
Spend enough time confirming the need and the need will disappear.
Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal power should not become too important in any church. ` Eleanor Roosevelt
Spock:   We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
Stalin's grave was a Communist plot.
Stalinism begins at home. ` Tom Neff
Stamp out philately.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
State Farm?  Guard dogs?
State run lotteries: think of them as tax breaks for the intelligent. ` Evan Leibovitch
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts-for support, not illumination.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old. ` Pink Floyd
Steel is Prince or Pauper. ` Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919)^In Hendrick, Life of Andrew Carnegie, 1932
Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
Stepping on people's toes messes up their shine.
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! ` M. Python
Streakers repent!   Your end is in sight.
Strike while the iron is hot.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
Sturgeon's Law:  Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Success, as I see it, is a result, not a goal. ` Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)
Success has a thousand fathers, but failure is an orphan.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
Success is not permanent, neither is failure.
Success is that old ABC-ability, breaks and courage. ` Charles Luckman (1909- )^Luckman Management
Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you started.
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue. ` Seneca
Succumb to natural tendencies.   Be hateful and boring.
Suddenly, Nothing Happened!^(but, it happened suddenly.) ` The Goon Show
Supercompetence is more objectionable than incompetence.
Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.
Support National Motherhood Week - Make one today!
Support your local church.  Worship at Bank of America.
Sure, 90% of all software is crap. That's because 90% of everything is crap. ` Mary Shaw Carnegie-Mellon University
Sure fire diet, swallowing pride.
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. ` Richard M. Nixon
Surly grammarians insist that all words ending in "ly" are adverbs.
Survival of the species is everyone's business.
Swallow your pride, it is non-fattening.
Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
Sweer's Impossibility Theorem: Nothing can be both completely general and internally consistent at the same time.
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
Swipple's Rule of Order:^^He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
System checkpoint complete.
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
System maintenance about to begin.
System restarting, wait.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
Tact is after all a kind of mind reading. ` Sarah Orne Jewett
Tact is rubbing out another's mistake instead or rubbing it in.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. ` Abraham Lincoln
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Tact is the unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Tact-changing the subject without changing the mind.
Tailgater-one who makes ends meet.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves. ` Lewis Carroll
Take it from me-he's got the goods. ` O. Henry [William Sydney Porter] (1862-1910)^"The Unprofitable Servant," 1911
Take my advice.  I'm not using it.
Take my word for it: if you have a penny, you are worth a penny. ` Petronius (First century A.D.)^Satyricon
Take off your engineering hat and put on your management hat. ` Thiokol management, 1/27/86
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
Take the humbug out of this world; and you haven't much left to do business with. ` Josh Billings [Henry Wheeler Shaw] (1818-1885)
Take what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Take what you can use and let the rest go by. ` Ken Kesey
Talk about thin!  Well, you're thin, and I'm thin, but he's as thin as the pair of us put together!
Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Talkers are no good doers.
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
Tanstaafl.
Tax forms should read "income owed us" and "in commode you".
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. ` Lazarus Long,^from Robert Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam to work for the government.
Teachers have class.
Teamwork is vital... it gives you someone to blame.
Tell a child he got 1 right, not 99 wrong.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you...^^Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
Tell me, how did you love my picture? ` Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
THE DUCHESS OF BERWICK: Do you know, Mr Hopper, dear Agatha and I are so much interested in Australia. It must be so pretty with all the dear little kangaroos flying about. ` Oscar Wilde,Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892
THE GREAT AUSTRALIAN ADJECTIVE^He plunged into the _____ creek,^The _____ horse was _____ weak,^The stockman's face was a _____ study!^And though the _____ horse was drowned^The _____ rider reached the ground^Ejaculating: _____ !^_____ ! ` W. T. Goodge, The Bulletin Reciter, 1940
THINK!^or THWIM!
Th regret deeply is to live afresh ` Thoreau, Journal^November 13, 1939
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
That is a two part question ...
That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.
That that is is not that that is not.
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ` Friedrich Nietzche
That which is everybody's business is nobody's business. ` Izaak Walton (1593-1683)^The Compleat Angler, 1655
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
That's like fluffing the pillows on the Titanic
That's not a friend, that's an employer I'm trying out for a few days. ` Thornton Wilder^The Matchmaker
That's one small step for a man,^One giant leap for mankind. ` N. Armstrong
That's the definition of business: something goes through, something doesn't. Make use of one, forget the other. ` Henry Francois Becque (1837-1899)^La Parisienne, 1885
That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can. ` J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in The Rye, 1951 
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they really hate is lousy programmers. ` Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
That's user, u s r, and then there's a space ...
That's what she said.
The 5 Stages of acting:^1. Who is Jack Nicholson?^2. Get me Jack Nicholson.^3. Get me a Jack Nicholson type.^4. Get me a young Jack Nicholson.^5. Who is Jack Nicholson? ` Unknown
The American language is in a state of flux based on the survival of the unfittest. ` Cyril Connolly, The Sunday Times, 1966
The absent are always at fault. ` Spanish Proverb
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
The advantage of doing one's praising for oneself is that one can lay it on thick and exactly in the right places. ` Samuel Butler (1835-1902)^The Way of All Flesh, 1903
The adverb always follows the verb.
The agony of delete.
The alternative to mutual trust, which is indeed a risky gamble, is the security of the police state. ` Alan Watts
The amount of work done varies inversely with the time spent in the office.
The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle: they're on TV! ` Homer Simpson
The artistic temperament is a disease that affects amateurs. ` G. K Chesterton, Heretics, 1905
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The attempt to understand the universe is one of the only things that elevates the human condition from farce to the elegance of tragedy. ` Steven Weinberg, Nobel Laureate in Physics 1979
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The author should gaze at Noah, and ... learn, as they did in the Ark, to crowd a great deal of matter into a very small compass. ` Sydney, Smith, Edinburgh Review
The Bell System is like a damn big dragon. You kick it in the tail, and two years later, it feels it in its head. ` Frederick Kappel (1902- )^AT&T
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. ` Abraham Lincoln
The Bozos are coming.
The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,^Fell into the water baptismal;^Ere they'd gathered its plight,^It had sunk out of sight,^For the depth of the font was abysmal. ` Edward Gorey,^'The babe, with a cry brief and dismal',^The Listing Attic, 1954
The baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning. ` Robert Robbins, Reader's Digest, 1949
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
The beauty of democracy is that the average man believes that he is above average.
The belly has no ears nor is it to be filled with fair words. ` Francois Rabelais (c. 1494-1553)^Gargantua and Pantagruel, 1548
The best audience is intelligent, well educated and a little drunk. ` Alben W. Barkley
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
The best books about advertising are not about advertising. ` James W. Young (1886-1973)
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. ` Sandy Cooley
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. ` W. C. Fields
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best things in life are for a fee.
The best time to buy anything is last year.
The best vacations are spent near the budget.
The best way out is always through. ` Robert Frost^A servant to Servants, 1914
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The better part of valor is discretion.
The better technology does not always sell better, even if it is first. ` William J. Spencer, Xerox Corporation
The bigger the theory, the better.
The biggest growth industry in UNIX is promoting standards. ` Rikki Kirzner, Dataquest.
The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else.
The borrower is servant to the lender. ` Bible: Proverbs 22:7
The brain works from the moment of birth until you stand up to speak in public.
The bug starts here.
The bug stops here.
The busier we are, the more acutely we feel that we live, the more conscious we are of life. ` Immanuel Kant (1724-1804)^Lecture at Konigsberg, 1775
The business of life is to go forward. ` Samuel Johnson^The Idler, No. 72, 1759
The business was to go to Bartholomew Fair, and the end of going to Bartholomew Fair was, in short, to pick pockets. ` Daniel Defoe^Colonel Jack, 1722
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially we revere free enterprise, initiative and individuality. Unofficially we fear it. ` George Lois (1931- )^The Art of Advertising, 1977
The buyer buys for as little as possible; the seller sells for as much as possible. ` Legal maxim
The buyer needs a hundred eyes, the seller not one. ` George Herbert (1593-1633)^Jacula Prudentum, 1651
The C committee took something that wasn't broken, and tidied it up without breaking it. ` Dennis Ritchie (dmr@Alice.UUCP), about ANSI C standard X3J11
The Clothier's Delight; Or 'The Rich Men's Joy, and the Poor Men's Sorrow'. Wherein is expressed the craftiness and subtilely of Many Clothiers in England, by beating down their Workmen's Wages... ` Wool workers' song
The CS Sage says:  Seek new employment prior to the imposition of performance penalties on your project.
The cares of gain are threefold: the struggle of getting; the frenzy of increasing; the horror of losing. ` Anonymous^Meditations on Wall Street, 1940
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
The cheapest, fastest and most reliable components of a computer system are those that aren't there. ` Gordon Bell, Encore Computer Corp
The closed mouth swallows no flies. ` Spanish proverb
The clothes have no emperor. ` C. A. Hoare, about Ada.
The coast was clear.
The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn't indicate or promise, and which the other kind couldn't detect. ` Mark Twain^Joan of Arc
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows. ` Frank Zappa
The computer is the ultimate polluter: its feces are indistinguishable from the food it produces.
The concept seems to be clear by now.  It has been defined several times by example of what it is not.
The condition upon which God has given liberty to man is eternal vigilance. ` John Philpot Curran
The cost of feathers is higher, that makes down up.
The cost of liberty is less than the price of oppression.
The country couldn't run without Prohibition.  That is the industrial fact. ` Henry Ford, 1929
The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing, it is the thing to watch over and care for and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous... ` Mark Twain^A Connecticut Yankee^in King Arthur's Court
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. ` John McNulty
The craft of a merchant is this bringing a thing from where it abounds; to where it is costly. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)^The Conduct of Life, 1860
The creditor hath a better memory than the debtor. ` James Howell Proverbs
The customer is always right. ` H. Gordon Selfridge (?1864-1947)^Slogan
The DREA Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it is unanimous.
The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
The die is cast.
The difference between ideas and results is a good manager.
The difference between involved and committed is like ham 'n eggs. The chicken is involved - the pig is committed. ` Don Meridith
The difference between the right word and a similar word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. ` Mark Twain
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
The doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. ` Frank Lloyd Wright (Attrib.)
The door is the key.
The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost - not another man's - is the only standard to measure it by, and his grief for it makes it large and great and fine, and is worthy of our reverence in all cases ` Mark Twain^"My Boyhood Dreams"
The Einstein theory is relatively simple. ` Robin Williams
The early worm gets the bird.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The easiest job I have ever tackled in this world is that of making money. It is, in fact, almost as easy as losing it. Almost, but not quite. ` H. L. Mencken^In The Baltimore Evening Sun, 12 June 1922
The elastic heart of youth cannot be compressed into one constrained shape long at a time. ` Mark Twain^The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
The emperor has no clothes.
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. ` Buckminster Fuller
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person. ` Vii Putnam
The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man is and will always be a wild animal. ` Charles Galton Darwin
The existence of god implies a violation of causality.
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
The F-15 Eagle: If it's up, we'll shoot it down.  If it's down, we'll blow it up. ` A McDonnell-Douglas ad from a few years ago
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order of space and time. ` Samuel Taylor Coleridge
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. ` Roger Levian
The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier. ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)^Major Barbara, 1907
The filter has discreting sources. ` KSC FIDO, 1/28/86
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time.  The last 10% of a project takes 90% of the time.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. ` Abbie Hoffman
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The first of all English games is making money. ` John Ruskin^The Crown of Wild Olive, 1866
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. ` Paul Erlich
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
The first thing is character.... Because a man I do not trust could not get money from me on all the bonds in Christendom. ` J. P. Morgan (1837-1913)
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. ` Henry IV, ii^William Shakespeare
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. ` Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. ` Alan Coult
The following statement is not true:
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. ` Woody Allen
The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence. ` Art Linkletter,^A Child's Garden of Misinformation, 1965
The fourth law of thermodynamics:^^The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.
The fundamental principles which govern the handling of postage stamps and of millions of dollars are exactly the same. They are the common law of business, and the whole practice of commerce is founded on them. They are so simple that a fool can't learn them, so hard that a lazy man won't. ` Philip D. Armour (1832-1901)
The further I go, the behinder I get.
The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.
The future is bright in affairs of the heart.
The future is not what it used to be. (It never was.)
The future is purchased by the present. ` Samuel Johnson
The future isn't what it used to be.
The future lies ahead.
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. ` Ambrose Bierce^The Devil's Dictionary
The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
The glad man is he who does not lose his child's heart. ` K'ung Fu-tse
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The golden rule:  He who has the gold makes the rules.
The great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom even ordinarily respectable. ` H. L. Mencken
The great business of life is to be, to do, to do without, and to depart. ` John Morley, Viscount Morley of Blackburn (1838-1923)^Address on Aphorisms, 1887
The greatest ability is dependability.
The greatest gift is the power to estimate correctly the value of things. ` Francois. Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)^Maximes, 1664
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
The greatest man in history was the poorest.
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The greatest pleasure-doing what they said couldn't be done.
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
The groundwork of all happiness is health. ` Leigh Hunt
The habit most worth cultivating is that of thinking clearly even though inspired. ` Thomas H. Uzzel (1932-    )
The hand that kindles cannot quench the flame.
The harder you work the luckier you get.
The hardest job of all is trying to look busy when you're not. ` William Feather (1889- )
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a lifetime, if not asked to lend money. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
The honeymoon is that short period of doting between dating and debting.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life. ` Glenda Jackson (Attrib.)
The important thing is to not stop questioning. ` Albert Einstein
The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of things. ` Laurence J. Peter
The individual serves the industrial system not by supplying it with savings and the resulting capital; he serves it by consuming its products. ` John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-    )^The New Industrial State, 1967
The ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
The instinct of acquisitiveness has more perverts' I believe' than the instinct of sex. At any rate, people seem to me odder about money than about even their amours. ` Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)^Point Counter Point, 1928
The Jews generally give value. They make you pay; but they deliver the goods. In my experience the men who want something for nothing are invariably Christians. ` George Bernard Shaw^Saint Joan, 1923
The job's not over until the paperwork's done.
The key to acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made. ` George Burns
The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
The lack of money is the root of all evil. ` Mark Twain^Notebook
The last person who said that, God rest his soul, lived to regret it.
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. ` Blaise Pascal
The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
The less you have to do, the less time you find to do it in.
The lie, as a virtue, a principle, is eternal; the lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend, is immortal. ` Mark Twain^"On the Decay of the Art of Lying"
The life of a repo man is always intense.
The life which is unexamined is not worth living. ` Plato
The light at the end of the tunnel...is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The longer you keep your temper the better it will get.
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase: 'And now a word from our sponsor.' ` Hal Eaton, Reader's Digest, 1949
The loss which is unknown is no loss at all. ` Publilius Syrus Sententiae
The love of money is the root of all evil. Or, as it is usually shortened to: Money is the root of all evil. ` Bible: I Timothy 6:10
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. ` Lt. Col. Walt Weir, USA
The Medium IS the Message. ` Marshal McLuhan
The main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money. ` Feodor Dostoyevsky
The man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich. ` Attributed to John Jacob Astor 111(1886-1971)
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
The man who runs may fight again.
The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
The meek are contesting the will.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. ` J. Paul Getty
The meek shall inherit the earth.  The rest of us will go to the stars.
The meek shall inherit the earth.  They are too weak to refuse.
The meek will inherit the Earth...^^the rest of us will go to the stars.
The meek will inherit the earth ... in pine boxes six feet long by ...
The mind resorts to reason for want of training. ` Henry Adams^Education, 1907
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out. ` Tennessee Williams
The modern corporation is a political institution; its purpose is the creation of legitimate power in the industrial sphere. ` Peter F. Drucker
The moment you cheat for the sake of beauty, you know you are an artist. ` Max Jacob, Art Poetique, 1922
The moon is made of green cheese.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
The more the merrier.
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
The more you cultivate people the more you turn up clods.
The more you say, the less people remember.
The most harmful error has not yet been discovered in your program.
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. ` Albert Einstein
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. ` H. P. Lovecraft
The most solid stone is the lowest one in the foundation.
The Nazis have no sense of humor, so why should they want television? ` Philip K. Dick
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
The nature of business is swindling. ` August Bebel (184()1913)^Speech in Zurich, December 1892 
The new electronic interdependence recreated the world in the image of a global village. ` Marshall McLuhan^The Medium Is the Message, 1967
The next six days are dangerous.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. ` IBM
The noble secret of laughing at oneself is the greatest humor of all.
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
The obvious answer is always overlooked.
The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything. ` Oscar Wilde,^'Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young',^1894
The old gentleman said they never engaged in anything that required risk, or trouble, in the management. ` William G. Moorhead^Report on the Rothschilds, in a letter^to his brother-in-law and partner,^Jay Cooke, October 1869
The one who dies with the most toys wins!
The only corporate defense against rationality is bureaucracy. ` anon
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
The only difference between an unclear war and a nuclear war is the way you use the UN.
The only man who should not be judged by the company he keeps is a warden. ` Laurence J. Peter
The only measure of a man's usefulness is the extent to which he exercises his talent, according to the laws of his own growth, for the common good. ` Stanley Kunitz
The only race worth winning is the human race.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. ` Paul Fix
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The only short meetings are when no-one shows up.
The only sin is self-hatred. ` Paul Williams
The only thing constant is change.
The only thing funnier than how things don't work out, is how they do.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ` Edmund Burke
The only thing that I'm sure of is my growing sense of uncertainty.
The only thing that matters is the bottom line? What a presumptuous thing to say! The bottom line is in heaven. ` Edwin Land (1909-   )^Polaroid To a stockholder
The only thing that wealth does for some people is to make them worry about losing it. ` Compte De Riverol
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're done.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it. ` Brian Kernighan
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.  But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. ` Niels Bohr
The other line moves faster.
The Puritan's idea of Hell is a place where everybody has to mind his own business. ` Attributed to Wendell Phillips (1811-1884)
The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes. ` Mark Twain
The pen is mightier than the pencil.
The people are a many-headed beast. ` Horace^Epistles
The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.
The person who is all wrapped up in himself is overdressed.
The person who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
The philosophy behind much advertising is based on the old observation that every man is really two men - the man he is and the man he wants to be. ` William Feather (1889-    )^The Business of Life, 1949
The physical labor actors have to do wouldn't tax an embryo. ` Neil Simon, The Sunshine Boys, screenplay, 1975
The plural of spouse is spice.
The pot that belongs to partners is neither hot nor cold. ` Talmud
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of the Force. ` Darth Vader
The power which money gives is that of brute force; it is the power of the bludgeon and the bayonet. ` William Cobbett (1763-1835)^Advice to Young Men, 1829
The price of greatness is responsibility.
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. ` James Baldwin
The principal mark of genius is not perfection but originality, the opening of new frontiers. ` Arthur Koestler
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The problems with most desktop publishing designers can be traced to Typer-activity.  ` Brad Kozak
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
The proof of a system's value is its existence.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
The propensity to truck, barter, and exchange . . . is common to all men, and to be found in no other race of animals. ` Adam Smith (1723-1790)^Wealth of Nations, 1776
The public may boo me, but when I go home and think of my money I clap. ` Horace (65-8 B.C.)^Epistles, c. 20 B.C.
The pursuit of gain is the only way in which men can serve the needs of others whom they do not know. ` Friedrich August von Hayek (1899- )^Listener, 1978
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
The Roman Rule:^^The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but that's the way to bet. ` Damon Runyon
The radical invents the new ideas, and when he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. ` Mark Twain
The rat race is over; the rats won.
The raytracer of justices recurses slowly, but it renders exceedingly fine. ` Larry Phillips (lphillips@lpami.wimsey.bc.ca)
The real price of everything...is the toil and trouble of acquiring it. ` Adam Smith (1723-1790)^Wealth of Nations, 1776
The real problem with SDI is that it doesn't kill anybody. ` Tom Neff
The reality is that changes are coming... They must come. You must share in bringing them. ` John Hersey
The reason the government thinks you're just a number^is because it's just a machine.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. ` Mark Twain
The rich are the scum of the earth in every country. ` G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)^The Flying Inn, 1914
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right. ` William Safire
The ripest fruit falls first.
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
The rooster may crow, but the hen delivers.
The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
The Socratic manner is not a game at which two can play. Please answer my question to the best of your ability. ` Max Beerbohm (1872-1956)^Zuleika Dobson, 1911
The Swartzberg Test:^^The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
The scariest words known to man:^"We need to talk."
The scenery only changes for the lead dog.^(the Law of the Yukon) ` Sargeant Preston
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. ` Mel Lazarus
The secret to winning the support of large groups of people is positive thinking. ` N. Bonaparte (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interest and his own are the same. ` Stendhal (1783-1842)
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. ` Noelie Altito
The show ain't over 'till the fat lady sings.
The sign brings customers. ` Jean de La Fontaine (1621-1695)^Fables, 1678-1679
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
The smoker you drink, the player you get.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. ` Ed Bluestone
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
The star of riches is shining upon you.
The statement below is true.^^The statement above is false. ` Paradox
The structure of a system reflects the structure of the organization that built it. ` Richard Fairley, Wang Institute
The system is not quite as rickety as I have been telling you. ` Ralph Gorin
The Tao person lives fully in every moment
The Three Rules of Social Intercourse:^It's easier to believe a lie than the truth; It's always worse than they say it is; and People are like water - they follow the path of least resistance. ` Brad Kozak
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The three great American vices seem to be efficiency' punctuality and the desire for achievement and success. ` Lin Yutang (1895-1976)^The Importance of Living, 1937
The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
The time has come, the Walrus said, To talk of many things: Of shoes - and ships - & sealing wax  Of cabbages and kings  & why the sea is boiling hot  & whether pigs have wings. ` Lewis Carroll
The time is right to make new friends.
The trouble, Mr. Goldwyn, is that you are only interested in art and I am only interested in money. ` George Bernard Shaw^When declining to sell^Samuel Goldwyn screen rights to his plays
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. ` Franklin P. Jones
The trouble with the profit system has always been that it was highly unprofitable to most people. ` E. B. White (1899- )^One Man's Meat, 1944
The truth is more important than the facts. ` Frank Lloyd Wright
The truth is the one thing that nobody will believe. ` George Bernard Shaw
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.
The two great tragedies in life: not getting what one wants and getting it.
The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic light table for cutting and pasting documents.
The universe is all a spinoff of the Big Bang.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The unnatural, that too is natural. ` Goethe
The unreasonable man is the one who expects the world to adapt to his needs, the reasonable man is the one who adapts himself to suit the world. Therefore, all progress depends upon the unreasonable man. ` George Bernard Shaw
The urge to consume is fathered by the value system which emphasizes the ability of the society to produce. ` John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-   )^The Affluent Society, 1958
The use of money is all the advantage there is in having money. ` Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)^Poor Richard's Almanack, 1737
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
The village hall was one of those mid-Victorian jobs in glazed red brick which always seem to bob up in these olde-world hamlets and do so much to encourage the drift to towns. ` P. G. Wodehouse, The Mating Season, 1949
The vulgar man is always the most distinguished, for the very desire to be distinguished is vulgar. ` G. K. Chesterton, All Things Considered, 1908
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. ` Wavy Gravy
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. ` Mark Twain^The New York Times^November 26, 1905
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
The world is coming to an end - save your buffers!
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off. ` Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com)
The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit. ` Dwight Morrow
The world is no nursery. ` Sigmund Freud
The world is quickly bored by the recital of misfortune and willingly avoids the sight of distress. ` W. Somerset Maugham,^The Moon and Sixpence 1919
The world isn't worse.  It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls. ` Father Robert F. Capon
The world wants to be deceived.
The world's full of cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.
The worst form of failure is the failure to try.
The years teach us much the days never knew. ` Ralph Waldo Emerson
The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience.
Theater, art, literature, cinema... must be cleansed of all manifestations of our rotting world... ` Adolf Hitler
Then you must be Don Francisco's sister!
Ther was noon auditour koude on him wynne. [He could beat any audit.] ` Geoffrey Chaucer (c. 1343-1400)^Ceneral Prologue, Canterbury Tales
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
There ain't no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself snore. ` Mark Twain^Tom Sawyer Abroad
There are bugs and then there are bugs.  And then there are bugs. ` Karl Lehenbauer
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
There are few ways in which a man can be more innocently employed than in getting money. ` Samuel Johnson In Boswell,^Life of Johnson, 1791^[Said: 27 March 1775]
There are fortunes that mention the word 'umbrella' for no apparent reason.
There are girls, few perhaps but to be found if one searches carefully, who when their advice is ignored and disaster ensues, do not say 'I told you so'. Mavis was not of their number. ` P. G. Wodehouse, Pearls Girls and Monty Bodkin 1972
There are moments when art attains almost to the dignity of manual labor.
There are more fools among buyers than among sellers. ` French proverb
There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
There are more ways into the woods than out.
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
There are no giant crabs in here, Frank.
There are no saints, only unrecognized villains.
There are no secrets better kept than those secrets that everybody guesses. ` George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)^Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1983
There are only two emotions in Wall Street: fear and greed. ` William M. LeFevre, Jr. (1927- )^Granger & Company
There are three faithful friends-an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. ` Benjamin Franklin^Poor Richard's Almanack, 1738
There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies, and statistics. ` Mark Twain^Mark Twain's Autobiography
There are times when it is undoubtedly better to incur loss than to make gain. ` Plautus (254-184 B.C.)^Captivi, c. 200 B.C.
There are two instruments worse than a clarinet.  Two clarinets.
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that want to BE something, and those that want to DO something. (There is less competition in the second category.)
There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up. ` Rex Stout (1886-1975)^Death of a Doxy, 1966
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can. ` Mark Twain^Following the Equator, 1897
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it. ` George Bernard Shaw
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. ` Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
There are two ways of spreading the light; to be the candle, or, the mirror that reflects the light. ` Edith Wharton
There are two ways to write error-free programs;  only the third one works.
There are very honest people who do not think that they have had a bargain unless they have cheated a merchant. ` Anatole France (1844-1924)
There goes Bill!
There has never been an intelligent person of the age of sixty who would consent to live his life over again. His or anyone else's. ` Mark Twain^Letters from the Earth
There is a bear following you around.
There is a correlation between the creative and the screwball. So we must suffer the screwball gladly. ` Kingman Brewster
There is a fly on your Dimension!
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
There is a moral sense and there is an immoral sense. History shows that the moral sense enables us to see morality and how to avoid it, and that the immoral sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
There is a time in the tides of men, Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. On the other hand, don't count on it. ` T. K. Lawson
There is always an easier way to do it.
There is always more brass than brains in an aristocracy. ` Oscar Wilde, Vera, or The Nihilists, 1883
There is always one more bug.
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
There is always something new out of Africa.
There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.
There is an exception to all laws.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
There is danger in delaying, good fortune in acting.
There is hardly anything in the world that some man can't make a little worse and sell a little cheaper, and the people who consider price only are this man's lawful prey. ` John Ruskin (1819-1900)
There is harmony in discord. ` Horace^Epistles
There is humour in all things. ` Sir William S. Gilbert
There is life after death: in Cleveland, people are still allowed to vote.
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge. ` Bertrand Russell
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
There is news.
There is no "A" in "KERNEL"!
There is no better ballast for keeping the mind steady on its keel, and saving it from all risk of crankiness, than business. ` James Russell Lowell (1819-1891) Literary Essays, vol II, 1870-1890.^"New England Two Centuries Ago" (1865)
There is no devil; it's God when he's drunk.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
There is no force of gravity as such. Rather, a celestial body merely pays attention to what it finds in its neighborhood. ` Einstein
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
There is no hope of joy except in human relations ` Saint-Exupery^Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There is no royal road to geometry.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
There is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity.
There is no sin except stupidity. ` Oscar Wilde
There is no such thing as 'soft sell' and 'hard sell.' There is only 'smart sell' and 'stupid sell.' ` Charles Brower (1901-    )^News reports, 30 May 1958
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
There is no such thing as a little garlic.
There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
There is no time like the pleasant.
There is no time like the present to postpone what you ought to be doing.
There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home. ` Mark Twain
There is no way of keeping profits up but by keeping wages down. ` David Ricardo (1772-1823)^On Protection to Agriculture, 1820
There is no wealth but life. ` John Ruskin (1819-1900)^Unto This Last, 1862
There is nothing as universal in this world as human thirst... Our market is as big as the world and the people in it. ` Lee Talley (1901-1976)^Coca Cola^Quoted in Newsweek, 19 May 1958
There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus. ` Mark Twain^"The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg"
There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy. ` Swift
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
There is nothing so easy that it becomes difficult when done with reluctance.
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. ` Oscar Wilds
There is only one way to kill capitalism-by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
There is only one way under high Heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. Remember, there is no other way. ` Dale Carnegie^How to Win Friends and Influence People
There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it. ` Mark Twain^A Tramp Abroad
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us.
There s a daily cost, and all of it lost. ` Henry George Bohn (1796-1884)^Handbook of Proverbs, 1855
There should be three days a week when no one is allowed to say 'What's your sign?' Violators would have their copies of Kahlil Gibran confiscated. ` Dick Cavett, The Dick Cavett Show, ABC TV, 1978
There was a yound lady of Riga Who smiled as she rode on a tiger They returned from the ride With the lady inside And a smile of the face of the tiger. ` Unknown
There will always be survivors. ` Robert Heinlein
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt. ` Police
There's a bug somewhere in your code.
There's a sucker born every minute. ` P.T. Barnum
There's always a hole in theories somewhere, if you look close enough. - Mark Twain^Tom Sawyer Abroad
There's always one more bug.
There's an Italian in my room and he won't go away!
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
There's just no stopping it.  It's like a bad dream that never ends. ` Pat Benatar
There's never time to do it right, only time to do it over.
There's no fool like an old fool, 'cause he's experienced.
There's no future in time travel.
There's no need to fear, UNDERDOG is here! ` Underdog
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
There's no such thing as gravity ` the earth sucks.
There's nobody perfect not even the perfect fool ` Huey Lewis
There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man if you don't consider the job finished too soon. ` John Mooney
There's nothing wrong with incest just as long as you keep it in the family. ` Milton Mayer
There's nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. ` Ross MacDonald
There's nothing you can do that can't be done. ` John Lennon
There's small choice in rotten apples.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
There's something rotten in the state of Denver. ` Archie Bunker
These days govt. is a four letter word.
These screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of X Ray Gogs to be the life of any party. ` X-Ray Gogs Instructions
They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions of the duperies on which they live. ` Thomas Jefferson
They are able because they think they are able. ` Virgil
They are only ten. [Said to have been posted in The Times' offices to remind the staff of their public's mental age.] ` Lord Northcliffe (1865-1922)
They are using a doublespeak these days, much as was spoken to the Indians before us. They would have us call an air polluting, noise and water polluting building that manufactures synthetic products a 'plant'. That's not a plant! That's a sewage system made by man. ` Gatewood Galbraith
They communicated by tap-dancing and farting. ` "Breakfast of Champions"
They don't make nostalgia like they used to.
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
They have rights who dare defend them. ` Roger Baldwin
They hired the money, didn't they? ` Response to question about France and England's war debts, 1925
They just buzzed and buzzed.....buzzed.
They struggle to gain in order that they may spend, and then to regain what they have spent. ` Ovid, Fasti, c. A.D. 8
They thought to use and shame me but I win out by nature, because a true freak cannot be made.  A true freak must be born. ` K. Dunn, "Geek Love"
They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
They were really tough - they used to tie their tomatoes on the end of a yo-yo, so they could hit you twice. ` Bob Hope
Things are always at their best in the beginning. ` Pascal
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. ` Dwight D. Eisenhower
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Things are not always what they seem.
Things are not as simple as they seems at first. ` Edward Thorp
Things are only worth what one makes them worth. ` Moliere (1622-1673)^Les Precieuses Ridicules, 1659
Things past redress and now with me past care.
Things will be brighter tonight.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
Things won't get any better, so get used to it.
Things work better if you plug them in.
Things work better when plugged in.
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself- a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions. ` Fran Lebowitz, 'Tips for Teens', Social Studies, 1981
Think of death as a pie in the face from God.
Think twice before speaking.  But don't say "think think click click".
Thinking is wise, planning is better, doing is best.
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Third Law of Advice: Simple advice is the best advice.
Thirty-five is a very attractive age, London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. ` Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895
This afternoon is favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
This ain't no party! This ain't no disco! This ain't no foolin' around!
This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is now in the American experience... We must not fail to comprehend its grave implications... We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence...by the military-industrial complex.  The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. ` Dwight D. Eisenhower, from his farewell address in 1961
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.^(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) ` found on a door in the MSU Music building
This fortune every third, but it still comprehensible.
This fortune intentionally left blank.
This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
This fortune is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
This fortune will not come true.
This is a good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
This is a good time to punt work.
This is an important announcement. This is Flight 121 to Los Angeles.  If your travel plans today do not include Los Angeles, now would be a perfect time to disembark. ` Douglas Adams
This is no game for old men!  Send in the boys! ` W. Hayes (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
This is now.  Later is later.
This is the day for firm decisions!  Or is it?
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. ` Attributed to Winston Churchill
This login session:  $13.99
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
This piece is chock full of omissions.
This place has everything.
This portion of UTS II is a trade secret of Amdahl Corporation.
This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered French toast in the Renaissance. ` Steven Wright, comedian
This sentance has threee errors.
This sentence contains ten words, eighteen syllables, and sixty-four letters.
This sentence no verb.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
This unit ... must ... survive.
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks - to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls. ` Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"
This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.
This will be dynamically handled, possibly correctly, in 4.1. ` Dan Davison on streams configuration in SunOS 4.0
Thoreau's Law:^^If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Those who are not shocked when they first come across quantum theory, cannot possibly have understood it. ` Neils Bohr
Those who are war with others are not at peace with themselves. ` William Hazlitt
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, write.
Those who can, do.^Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do.^Those who can't, teach.^Those who can't teach, administrate.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. ` George Santayana
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. ` Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
Those who do the most usually demand the least.
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address. ` Lane Olinghouse
Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose.
Those who set out to serve both God and Mammon soon discover that there is no God. ` Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)
Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
Those who worked the hardest are the last to surrender. ` Gary Ward
Thou hast seen nothing yet.
Thou shall not sleep within an interrupt handler.
Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night, I can see paradise by the dashboard light. ` Meatloaf
Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. ` Oscar Wilde
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Three helping one another will do as much as six men singly. ` Spanish Proverb
Thufir's a Harkonnen now.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. ` Mark Twain^Letter to an Unidentified Person^[1908]
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Time and tide wait for no man.
Time as he grows old teaches all things.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. ` Groucho Marx
Time flies like arrow; fruit flies like banana.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. ` Graffiti
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Time is money, and many people pay their debts with it. ` Josh Billings
Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen at once.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time is the image of eternity. ` Diogenes
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
Time wounds all heels. ` Jane Ace
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. ` Frank Lloyd Wright
To add insult to injury.
To be, or what? ` Sylvester Stallone
To be at ease is better than to be at business. ` Baltasar Gracian (1601-1658)^Oraculo manual y arte de prudencia, 1647
To be awake is to be alive. ` Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"
To be born rich is an accident; to die rich is a miracle.
To be is to program.
To be wise, the only thing you need to know is when to say "I don't know."
To climb the ladder of success you must get through the crowd at the bottom.
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
To do nothing is in every man's power.
To do nothing is to be nothing.
To do two things at once is to do neither.
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology. ` C. K. Chesterton
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
To err is human, to forgive is out of the question.
To err is human, to forgive is unusual.
To err is human - to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human. To really screw up takes a computer. ` Anonymous
To err is human; to really foul things up you need a computer.
To error is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.
To establish ourselves in the world, we have to do all we can to appear established. To succeed in the world, we do everything we can to appear successful. ` Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)^Maximes, 1664
To every exception there is a rule.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
To follow foolish precedents, and wink With both our eyes, is easier than to think. ` William Cowper
To get a loan you must prove you don't need it.
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
To have a horror of the bourgeois is bourgeois. ` Jules Renard
To have died once is enough.
To hell with criticism.  Praise is good enough for me. ` T. Bankhead
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
To keep your friends, treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
To know the world one must construct it. ` Cesare Pavese
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To light a candle is to cast a shadow.
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. ` Oscar Wilde
To love is good, love being difficult.
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
To program anything that is programmable is obsession.
To program is to be.
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
To regret nothing is the beginning of wisdom.
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
To some people it is fatal to be noticed by greatness. ` Mark Twain^"The Approaching Epidemic"
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
To teach is to learn.
To the landlord belong the doorknobs.
To the Workers of the world, I am sorry. ` Karl Marx-Seen on the side of an East German factory
To think is human, to compute, divine.
To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing. ` Eva Young
To use violence is to already be defeated.
To write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight. ` stolen and paraphrased from William Safire
Today is a bad day to give to charity.
Today is a good day for you to jump in a lake.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking official.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today the future occupation of all moppets is to be skilled consumers. ` David Riesman (1909- )^The Lonely Crowd, 1950
Tolerance means excusing mistakes made by others. Tact means not noticing them. ` Arthur Schnitzler
Tonight at nine on channel one, see what happens when little Salvador and big Salvador try to turn Grandpappy Amos into a grandfather clock, but his hands keep melting on: THE SURREAL McCOYS.
Too bad the only people that know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.  ` George Burns
Too busy to laugh? then you are too busy.
Too caustic? To hell with the cost; we'll make the picture anyway. ` Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
Too clever is dumb.  -Ogden Nash
Too great haste in paying off an obligation is a kind of ingratitude. ` Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)^Maximes, 1665-1678
Too much money is the worst of tribulations. ` Moroccan proverb
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Topologists are just plane folks.
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!
Trade is a social act. ` John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)^On Liberty, 1859
Training a child is more or less a matter of pot luck. ` Rod Maclean, Reader's Digest, 1949
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
Treat a work of art like a prince: let it speak to you first. ` Arthur Schopenhauer (Attrib.)
Treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
Trifles make perfection and perfection is no trifle. ` Michelangelo
Trifles make the sum of life. ` Charles Dickens^David Copperfield
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
Troubles are only mental; it is the mind that manufactures them, and the mind can forget them, banish them, abolish them. ` Mark Twain^Which Was It?
True happiness will be found only in true love.
Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind... ` Percy Bysshe Shelley
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn't. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let's economize it. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
Truthful:  Dumb and illiterate.
Try `stty 0' - it works much better.
Try a new system or a different approach.
Try later.
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. ` Ashleigh Brilliant
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Trying to establish voice contact-please yell into keyboard.
Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose
Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to un-ring a bell. ` Shana Alexander
Tuck under thumb and hold firmly.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Two heads are better than one.
Two is company, three is an orgy.
Two kangaroos are talking to each other, and one says 'Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today, I just hate it when the children play inside.' ` Henny Youngman
Two kind of people in this world - winners\losers. ` Buckingham
Two kinds of trouble in this world - living\dying. ` Buckingham
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Two wrongs do not make a right: it usually takes three or more.
UFO's are real.  The Air Force doesn't exist.
UNIX should be used as an adjective. ` AT&T
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation. ` Blaise Pascal
Uncompensated overtime?  Just Say No.
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. ` Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp)
Under capitalism, man exploits man; under socialism, the reverse is true. ` Polish proverb
Under every stone lurks a politician.
Undetectable errors are infinite; detectable errors by definition are finite.
University:  A modern school where football is taught.
Unix soit qui mal y pense.
Unix: Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once. ` Karl Lehenbauer
Unlimited campaign spending eats at the heart of the democratic process. ` Barry Goldwater
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
Until hard evidence is obtained and corroborated, the American people should not be frightened into believing that babies are being bred and eaten, that 50,000 missing children are being murdered in human sacrifices, or that satanists are taking over America's day care centers...  An unjustified crusade against those perceived as satanists could result in wasted resources, unwarranted damage to reputations, and disruption of civil liberties. ` Kenneth Lanning, head of the FBI's special unit in charge of investigating claims^about satanic-cult crimes, in a report of his findings, June, 1989
Unusual cheeses.
Unwritten laws can not be erased.
Up your accumulator.
Upon a good foundation a good building may be raised, and the best foundation in the world is money. ` Miguel de Cervantes Don Quixote
US out of North America, NOW!! ` Richard O'Rourke
Use debugging compilers.
Use free-form input where possible
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
Use IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
Use library functions.
Use the Force, Luke.
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale across the beach.
Veni, Vedi, Vici.^(I came, I saw, I conquered.) ` Julius Caesar
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Verily man was created avid of gain; when evil befalls him, apt to grieve; when good befalls him, grudging. ` Koran 70:19
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
Victory or defeat!
Villager:  She turned ME into a newt.^Sir Bedevere: A newt?^Villager (after looking at himself for some time): I got better.  ` Monty Python
Vini, vidi, vici.
Violence is the last recourse of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. ` Salvador Hardin
Vique's Law:^^A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Virtue is its own reward, but no sale at the box office. ` Mae West (1892-1980)^Quoted in Weintraub, Peel Me a Grape
Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
VMS must die!
Volcano - a mountain with hiccups.
Voodoo Programming:  Things programmers do that they know shouldn't work but they try anyway, and which sometimes actually work, such as recompiling everything. ` Karl Lehenbauer
Vote Anarchist.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. ` Mark Twain
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! ` Kermit the frog
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
Wanna do something big? pick up a boulder.
Want to forget all your troubles? Wear tight shoes.
Want to have some fun? Walk into an antique shop and say, 'What's new?' ` Henny Youngman
War, traffic, and piracy^Are an indivisible trinity. ` Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
War is like love; it always finds a way. ` Bertold Brecht
War is the last refuge of incompetent statesmen.
War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Watch out for off-by-one errors.
Watch out where the Huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow!
Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
Watson! Come here! I need you!
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
We all say so, so it must be true. ` the Bandar-log (monkey tribe), in Rudyard Kipling's "Jungle Book"
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ` Oscar Wilde
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. ` Dwight D. Eisenhower
We are not a clone.
We are not alone.
We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem!
We are the knights who say, "NIE!"
We are tied down to a language which makes up in obscurity what it lacks in style.
We are what we pretend to be. ` Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
We can't all be sound: we've got to be the way we're made. ` Mark Twain^Tom Sawyer Abroad
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish. ` John Culkin
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
We fight for men and women whose poetry is not yet written. ` Robert Gould Shaw, abolitionist
We find that the sexual instinct, when disappointed and unappeased, frequently seeks and finds a substitute in religion. ` Baron Richard Von Krafft-Ebing
We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books - theoretically, at least. ` Mark Twain^Remarks at the Opening of the Mark Twain Library
We have always known that heedless self-interest was bad morals; we know now that it is bad economics. ` Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945)^Second Inaugural Address, 20 January 1937
We have finished the job, what shall we do with the tools? ` Emperor Haile Selassie (1891-1975)^To Churchill
We have got to get organized!
We have luck only with women - not spacecraft! ` R. Kremnev, builder of failed Soviet FOBOS probes
We have met the enemy and not only is he ours, he is us. ` Walt Kelly
We have not journeyed all this way across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy. ` Winston Churchill^Speech to Canadian Senate and House of Commons, 1941
We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language. ` Oscar Wilde, 'The Canterville Ghost', 1887
We have seen too much success to have become obsessed with failure. ` Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973)^Quoted in National Review, 31 December 1963
We know the sound of two hands clapping, but what of the sound of one? ` Zen saying
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
We learn from history that we don't learn from history.
We live as we dream - alone. ` Joseph Conrad
We may be alone.  We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.
We must all hang together or surely we will hang separately. ` Benjamin Franklin
We must believe in free will.  We have no choice. ` Isaac Bashevis Singer
We must fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on their feelins. ` Artemus Ward [Charles Farrar Brown] (1834-1867)^Works, 1898^From "One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters"
We must never forget that if the war in Vietnam is lost... the right of free speech will be extinguished throughout the world. ` Richard Milhouse Nixon, 10/27/65
We must scrunch or be scrunched. ` Charles Dickens (1812-1870)^Our Mutual Friend, 1864-1865
We need a new cosmology.  New Gods.  New Sacraments.  Another drink. ` Patti Smith
We plan absentee ownership.  I'll stick to building ships. ` George Steinbrenner, 1973
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
We read to say that we have read.
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
We should learn from the snail: it has devised a home that is both exquisite and functional. ` Frank Lloyd Wright (Attrib.)
We stand today at a crossroads:  One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness.  The other leads to total extinction.  Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. ` Woody Allen
We the willing led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful and we have been doing so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
We try and hide the fact that we got lost between chaos and confusion. ` Pat Benatar

We used to have actresses trying to become stars; now we have stars trying to become actresses. ` Sir Laurence Olivier (Attrib.)
We walked on the moon - you be polite. ` Joni Mitchell
We want to create puppets that pull their own strings. ` Ann Marion
We will release no software before its time.
We'll be back to Nick Danger after this message.
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu.
We're all Bozos on this bus. ` The Firesign Theater
We're all bozos on this bus.
We're all over it, like a cheap suit.
We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism... we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself. ` Jerry Falwell
We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is more than she ever did. ` Rufus T. Firefly, in "Duck Soup"
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion. ` attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
Wealth is the product of man's capacity to think. ` Ayn Rand (1905-1982)
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
Weekends were made for programming. ` Karl Lehenbauer
Welcome to The Machine.
Welcome to the Future!  It's just starting now ...
Well, Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, And Lightness has a call that's hard to hear. ` Indigo Girls
Well, pluck me naked as a scalded chicken!
Well begun is half done.
Well done is better then well said.
Well done is well said. ` Ben Franklin
Well I know where she come from but I don't know what's her name
Well that's the news from Lake Woebegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades could not improve; where all the women are tall, the men are good-looking, and the children are above average. ` Garrison Keillor
Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin without a cat!
Wer zuletzt lacht, lacht am besten.^(He who laughs last laughs best)
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve. ` Anonymous
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit.
Whadda ya mean, "we"?
Whadda ya want for nothin'?  Rubber biscuit?
Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
What a friend we have in cheeses.
What a hell of a heaven it will be, when they get all these hypocrites assembled there! ` Mark Twain
What can a pigeon do that a west Texas oil man can't do anymore?^^A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Mercedes.
What comes by nature costs no money. ` Anonymous
What costs little is valued less. ` Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)^Don Quixote, 1605
What do you call love, hate, charity, revenge, humanity, magnanimity, forgiveness? Different results of the one master impulse: the necessity of securing one's self-approval. ` Mark Twain^What is a Man?
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
What I make on d' peanut I lose on d' damn banan'. ` Italian fruit vendor in New York^to Theodore Roosevelt, c. 1890
What I ought to do, I can; if I can, why don't I?
What I want is Facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts. Facts alone are wanted in life. Plant nothing else, and root out everything else. ` Charles Dickens^Hard Times, 1854
What is food to one, it to others bitter poison.
What is going on here!
What is Life?  It's the cereal Mikey likes.
What is the use of lighting the lamp if there is no wick? ` Malaysian Proverb
What is the use of running when we are not on the right road. ` German proverb
What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow.
What is worth doing is worth doing for money.
What is worth doing is worth overdoing.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.
What recommends commerce to me is its enterprise and bravery. It does not clasp its hands and pray to Jupiter. ` Henry David Thoreau
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
What sight is sadder than the sight of a lady we admire admiring a nauseating picture. ` Logan Pearsall Smith, All Trivia, 1933
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
What soon grows old?  Gratitude.
What the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens. ` Bengamin Disraeli
What we are selling are hopes and dreams, not frozen peas. ` Michel C. Bergerac (1932-    )^Revlon
What we do not understand we do not possess. ` Goethe
What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history.
What we love we shall grow to resemble. ` Bernard of Clairvaux
What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax. ` Samuel Goldwyn
What you are, not what you have, is what makes you rich.
What you enjoy is much more important then what you have.
What you need is love potion #9.
What you see can depend on what you look for.
What you see is rarely what you get.
What's all this brouhaha?
What's done to children, they will do to society.
What's integrity to an opportunity? ` William Congreve (1670-1729)^The Way of the World, 1700
What's so funny?
What's the definition of a good flame?  One you agree with... ` Karl Lehenbauer
What's the difference between a duck?
What's the use you learning to do right, when it's troublesome to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? ` Mark Twain^The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
What's worth doing is worth doing for money. ` Joseph Donohue^In Dickson, The Official Rules, 1978
Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
Whatever he is, the businessman is the product and pilot of the system under which most of us earn our livings. ` Crawford H. Greenewalt (1902- )^Du Pont
Whatever is worth doing is worth doing well ` Philip Dormer
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. ` Goethe
Whatever you can lose, you should reckon of no account. ` Publilius Syrus (First century B.C.)^Sententiae
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
When a hammer is the only tool, every problem looks like a nail.
When a man bets on 4 aces, it's called gambling. When he bets on a horse to show, it's called entertainment. When he bets on IBM to go up 2 points, it's called investing. ` Blackie Sherrod
When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn't any. ` Edgar Watson Howe (1853-1937)^Sinner Sermons, 1926
When a man's business does not fit him, 'tis as ofttimes with a shoe-if too big for the foot it will trip him, if too small, will chafe. ` Horace (Epistles)
When a man's willing and eager, the gods join in. ` Aeschylus
When a New Yorker looks as if he's suntan, it's probably rust. ` Laurence J. Peter
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. ` Oscar Wilde
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all is said and done more will be said than done.
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear^I popped him in the Frigidaire.^I never would have done so if^I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff.^My wife said: 'George, I'm so unhappe!^Our darling's now completely frappe!' ` Harry Graham, 'L'Enfant Glace',^Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, 1899
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle. ` Edmund Burke
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. ` Mae West
When elephants fight it is the grass that suffers. ` Kikuyu proverb
When everybody's out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking.
When everything has been seen to work, all integrated, you have four more months of work to do. ` C. Portman of ICL Ltd.
When faith & hope fail try charity-it's love in action.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
When his questioner asked, "How about money-lending?" Cato replied: "How about murder?" ` Cicero 1016-43 B.C.)^De Officiis, c. 45 B.C.
When I first knew Elvis he had a million dollars worth of talent. Now he has a million dollars. ` Col. Tom Parker^Of Elvis Presley
When I first went into the active Army, you could tell someone to move a chair across the room - now you have to tell him why. ` Major Robert Lembke, quoted in Newsweek, 1979
When I grow up I want to be a little boy. ` Joseph Heller, Something Happened, 1974
When I hear artists or authors making fun of businessmen I think of a regiment in which the band makes fun of the cooks. ` Anonymous
When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at me. That's the price she has to pay. ` Groucho Marx
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master. ` Darth Vader
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality. ` Al Capone
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. ` Unknown
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I'm beginning to believe it. ` Clarence Darrow
When I'm good, I'm very good; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
When in doubt, follow your heart.
When in doubt, lead trump.
When in doubt, leave out the adjective.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. ` Senator. David Boren
When in doubt, take all the defaults.
When in doubt, use brute force. ` Ken Thompson, Bell Labs
When in doubt, mumble.
When inlaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
When it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect. ` Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy
When it rains, it pours.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When money is not a servant it is a master. ` Italian proverb
When money speaks the truth is silent. ` Russian proverb
When money talks there are few interruptions.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. ` Calvin Coolidge
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
When one doesn't know how to dance, he says the ground is wet. ` Malaysian Proverb
When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic. ` J. K. Galbraith, The Great Crash, 1929, 1955
When people share their fears with you, share your courage back.
When people share their fears with you, share some courage.
When skinning your customers, you should leave some skin on to grow so that you can skin them again. ` Nikita Sergeyevich Krushchev (1894-1971)^To British businessmen, 1961
When talking nonsense try not to be serious.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. ` Hunter S. Thompson
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
When the military man approaches, the world locks up its spoons and packs off its womankind. ` George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, 1903
When the plane you're on is late, the plane you need to transfer to is on time.
When the sun shineth, make hay.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
When we make a mistake - it's evil.^When God makes a mistake - it's nature. ` Darrel van Horn
When we want money, we want all. ` Thomas Draxe (?-1618)^Bibliotheca scholastica instructissima, 1633
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
When working a problem, it helps to know the answer.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.
When you don't have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it's sex. When you have both, it's health. If everything is simply jake, then you're frightened of death. ` J. P. Donleavy, The Ginger Man, 1955
When you finally discover all of Life's answers, they'll change the questions.
When you frame a sentence don't do it as if you were loading a shotgun but as if you were loading a rifle. Don't fire in such a way and with such a load that you will hit a lot of things in the neighborhood besides, but shoot with a single bullet and hit that one thing alone. ` Joseph Ruggles Wilson (1867-1903^Quoted in Dos Passos, Mr. Wilson's War, 1962
When you get what you want you don't want it as much.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.^(from The Sign of Four, 1890) ` Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. ` Winston Churchill^The Grand Alliance, 1950
When you kill time you murder success.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you mention something, if it's bad, it happens, if it's good, it goes away
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad things you did do - that's Memoirs. ` Will Rogers
When you save for a long time to buy something, then you find that you can't afford it - that's inflation.
When you send a fool to market' the merchants rejoice. ` Anonymous
When you stay on the tracks, ignoring the facts, you can't blame the wreck on the train. ` from the song, "You Can't Blame . . "
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make.
When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure you're dead.
When you're at the end of your rope...tie a knot and hold on.
When you're in command, command.
When you're up to your hips in alligators, you forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Whenever a rock falls, it is good to go forward and meet it. That's the adventure. ` Henry Miller
Whenever he thought about Vietnam, he felt terrible. And so at last he came to a fateful decision. He decided not to think about it. ` Anon.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong. ` Oscar Wilde
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where are we?
Where does the bread come in? [What profit is there in this for me?] ` Aristophanes (c. 450-385 B.C.)^Clouds, 423 B.C.
Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
Where no man has gone before ` on the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise
Where profit is, loss is hidden nearby. ` Japanese proverb
Where technology becomes emotion. ` Campagnolo
Where the drink goes in, there the wit goes out. ` George Herbert^Jacula Prudentum
Where the hell is /usr/hippo?
Where the hell is Omak?
Where the hell is Wall Drug?
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
Where there is sugar, there are ants. ` Malaysian Proverb
Where there's a whip there's a way.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Where's the beef?
Where's the party?!
Wherever you go...There you are. ` Buckaroo Banzai
Which is not a complete sentence, but merely a subordinate clause.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
While there is currently an increasing trend towards strict adherence to principles of public morality, the board's special counsel informed the stockholders, it cannot yet be said that it must always override all other considerations. ` Anonymous^Fruehauf
While there's life, there's hope.
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Who are you?
Who buys has need of two eyes But one's enough to sell the stuff. ` Anonymous
Who cares anyway?
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
Who ever has the gold, makes the rules. ` Golden Rule of Business
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
Who is John Galt?
Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Who needs dignity when you can be in the show business? ` Garrison Keillor
Who needs friends, when you can sit alone in your room and drink.
Who needs information,^when you're livin' underground? ` Roger Waters, Radio KAOS
Who reformatted the root disk?
Who to himself is law no law doth need, offends no law, and is a king indeed.
Who was Bruce Clarke?
Who was Dan Walsh?
Who was Dave Cardinal?
Who was Evan Adams?
Who was Frank Suchomel?
Who was Jim Voll?
Who was Karl Danz?
Who was Lorrie Duval?
Who was Mark Linton?
Who was Steve Saperstein?
Who was Tom Lyon?
Who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me these questions three! Ere the other side he see!: What is your name? What is your quest? What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ` Monty Python
Who's on first?
Who's scruffy looking?
Who? Me, Officer? ` J. Dillinger (from R. Asprin's Myth series)
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. ` Groucho Marx
Whoever rows the boat doesn't have time to rock it.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
Whoops, I formatted the root disk.
Whoops, stepped on a frog.
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein. ` Book of Proverbs
Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of. ` Joseph Mc Carthy
Why are creditor's memories better then debtors?
Why are the words "This is none of my business" always followed by the word "but"? ` Sydney J. Harris
Why are there no black M&M's?
Why are there no blue M&M's?
Why are there no day-glo M&M's?
Why are there no fuchisa M&M's?
Why are there no grey M&M's?
Why are there no lavender M&M's?
Why are there no mauve M&M's?
Why are there no pink M&M's?
Why are there no polka dot M&M's?
Why are there no purple M&M's?
Why are there no red M&M's?
Why are there no tan M&M's?
Why are there no white M&M's?
Why are today's rough times always tomorrow's good old days?
Why can't life's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything?
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What's the Latin for office automation?
Why do expenses always rise to meet income?
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? ` Stephen Wright
Why do we study poverty instead of wealth?
Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
Why do you have so much quickness of movement if not to avoid responsibility?
Why do you think they call it "find"?
Why does bread always fall butter side down?
Why does love got to be so sad?
Why does the other line always move faster?
Why don't the Japanese live in the mountains?  Certainly, they could; apparently they just don't want to. ` elturner@phoenix.Princeton.EDU
Why is the form of money round? Because it is to run from every man. -Anonymous^A Helpe to Discourse, 1619
Why not go out on a limb?  Isn't that where the fruit is?
Why should people go out and pay money to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing? ` Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)^Quoted in the Observer, 9 September 1956
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy.
Will had a fortune the other day, but he forgot it.
Win or lose, you lose.
Win without boasting and lose without excuse.
Winners never quit and quitters never win.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wise man see more from bottom of well than fool from mountain top.
Wise man see more from mountain top than fool from bottom of well.
Wise men change their minds, fools never.
Wish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason and careful scientific procedure fail. ` James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
Wit has truth in it.  Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker, can gain a reputation for being civilized. ` Oscar Wilde
With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker, can gain a reputation for being civilized. ` Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
With money one may command devils; without it, one cannot even summon a man. ` Chinese proverb
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe. ` Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
Without tools there would be no wisdom.
Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Words are only painted fire, a look is the fire itself. ` Mark Twain^A Connecticut Yankee^in King Arthur's Court
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words are women, deeds are men. ` George Herbert^Jacula Prudentum
Words have a longer life than deeds.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Words that do not match deeds are not important. ` Dr. Ernesto Che Guevara
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do... Play consists of whatever is not obliged to do. ` Mark Twain^The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
Work fascinates me, I could sit and watch it for hours.
Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it. ` Finley Peter Dunne
Work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
Work was impossible.  The geeks had broken my spirit.  They had done too many things wrong... It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines. ` Hunter Thompson,^"Bad Nerves in Fat City",^"Generation of Swine"
Working for Warner Bros. is like fucking a porcupine: it's a hundred pricks against one. ` Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)^In Niven, Bring on the Empty Horses, 1975
Worst Month of the Year:  February.^^February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get.^^Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
Wouldn't it be nice if desperation made us attractive. ` Albert Brooks in Broadcast News
Wow!  I could've had a V/8!
Wrinkles are sure signs of where smiles have been.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ` Mark Twain^Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
Write all adverbial forms correct.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Xerox...all they ever do is copy.
Y B ordinary.
Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. ` Francis P. Church
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different. ` The Firesign Theater
Yesterday is a memory.  Tomorrow is a vision.  Today is a bitch.
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there.
You are a bundle of energy always on the go.
You are a singer who has to take any note above A with your eyebrows.
You are a very redundant person; that's what kind of person you are, redundant.
You are always busy.
You are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately.
You are being paged.
You are being swapped.
You are being watched.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You are capable of planning your future.
You are confident of things you know nothing about.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You are fair-minded, just and loving.
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
You are fast approaching your level of incompetence.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike.
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
You are in a twisting maze of little passages, all different.
You are lustworthy.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. ` Neils Bohr to Einstein^during a debate on Quantum Mechanics
You are rotten to the core, Snidely Whiplash, rotten, rotten, rotten! Oh, how did I ever get started typing ladies to railroad tracks? If only I could stop . . . but I can't stop . . . I've got this thing! ` Snidley Whiplash
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery.
You are so narrow-minded you can see through a keyhole with two eyes.
You are standing on my toes.
You are sunlight and I, moon^Joined by the gods of fortune^Midnight and high noon^  Sharing the sky^We have been blessed, you and I^ ` MISS SAIGON
You are taking advantage of the good nature of a friend.  Be careful.
You are taking yourself too seriously.
You are too narrow-minded if you can see through a keyhole with both eyes.
You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty.
You are truly a rhinestone in the rough.
You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
You are unscrupulously dishonest, false, and deceitful.
You are what you eat, so Euelle Gibbons was a nut.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
You auto buy now.
You can always find what you are not looking for.
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
You can be replaced by a machine that flushes.
You can be replaced by this computer.
You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. ` Al Capone
You can find in a text whatever you bring, if you will stand between it and the mirror of your imagination. You may not see your ears, but they are there. ` Mark Twain^"A Fable"
You can fool some of the people all of the time,^and all of the people some of the time,^but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. ` James Thurber (1894-1961)^Fables for Our Time, 1940
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
You can lead a horse to water, and if he walks on it patent him.
You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. ` Alan Perlis
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
You can observe a lot just by watching. ` Yogi Berra
You can send someone to college, but you can't make him think.
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. ` Norman Douglas (1868-1952)^South Wind, 1917
You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.
You can't change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes.
You can't cheat the phone company.
You can't even cut the cheese.
You can't fool me-there ain't no sanity clause.
You can't get snot off of a suede jacket. ` Lenny Bruce
You can't get there from here.
You can't get to Heaven on roller skates.
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't have everything... where would you put it? ` Steven Wright
You can't have money like that and not swell out. ` H. G. Wells (1866-1946)^Kipps, 1905
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly-only sooner than she thought you would.
You can't make a life over - society wouldn't let you if you would. ` Mark Twain^The Gilded Age
You can't out stubborn a cat. ` Lazarus Long
You can't pray a lie. ` Mark Twain^The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
You can't underestimate the power of fear. ` Tricia Nixon
You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even quit the game. (Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win, Socialism, that you can break even, and Mysticism, that you can quit the game.) ` Ginsberg/Freeman
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot see farther than others by standing on the feet of giants.
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
You cannot succeed by criticizing others.
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth. ` Erma Cohen
You dialed 5483.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
You do not have mail.
You do well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is involved.
You don't give a damn about apathy.
You don't know what you want, and are willing to go through hell to get it.
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
You don't usually see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
You dream of things that aren't and ask "why not?".
You enjoy the company of other people.
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
You fill a much-needed gap.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You get what you pay for.
You hate mail.
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
You have a frog in your pocket?
You have a massage.  (From the Swedish prime minister.)
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have a truly strong individuality.
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have an important role as a negative example.
You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have fallen so far behind, there is no reason to log in.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have hate mail.
You have junk mail.
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
You have mail.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
You have no real enemies.
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. ` John, Viscount Morley
You have only a very small head and must live within it.
You have only three real friends: Jesus Christ, Sears Roebuck, and Gene Talmadge. ` Eugene Talmadge (1913-    )^US Senate^To the voters of Georgia
You have played enough; you have eaten and drunk enough. Now it is time for you to depart. ` Horace^Epistles
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You will learn a lot today.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You have to learn to live with what you can't rise above. ` Bruce Springstein
You have to run between the raindrops if you want to see the sun... ` Pat Benatar
You haven't a single redeeming vice.
You humans are all alike.
You just put on your coat and hat,^And walk yourself to the laundromat.^And when you finish doing that,^Bring in the dog and put out the cat.^Yakety-yak. Don't talk back! ` Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller, 'Yakety^Yak', song for The Coasters, 1958
You killed Ted, you medieval dick-weed! ` Bill
You knew this job was dangerous when you took it! ` Super Chicken
You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid?  Well, MINE are even WORSE! ` Calvin
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over?  Well, that's how I feel all the time. ` Steven Wright
You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You live and you learn - or you don't live long.
You live in a deranged age, more deranged that usual, because in spite of great scientific and technological advances, man has not the faintest idea of who he is or what he is doing. ` Walker Percy
You look marvelous.
You look rather rash my dear your colors don't quite match your face. ` Daisy Ashford, The Young Visiters, 1919
You look tired.
You love peace.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You may already be a wiener!
You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer!
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth. ` Nicklaus Wirth
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.
You may now log in to life.  Password:
You mean I can put stuff past column 72? WOW! UNIX is great!
You mean I can send mail to myself?
You mean you can't take less, it's very easy to take more than nothing.
You might have mail.
You must ask much to get a little. ` Anonymous
You must find the ideas that have some promise in them... It is not enough to just have ideas. ` George E. Woodberry
You must sell, as Markets go. ` Thomas Fuller (1654-1734)^Gnomologia, 1732
You must spend money, if you wish to make money. ` Plautus(254-184 B.C.)^Asinaria, c. 200 B.C.
You need not worry about your future.
You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape. ` Ellyn Mustard
You never "find" time, but you can always "make" it.
You never find an article until you replace it.
You never have mail.
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
You never lost money by taking a profit. ` American saying
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony. ` John Barrymore
You now have Asian Flu.
You ought to take the bull between the teeth. ` Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
You say that now, but try chewing a child the next time you're car sick.
You say things with your eyes that others waste time putting into words.
You see but you do not observe. ` Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
You should go home.
You should hardly ever equivocate.
You should use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion.
You shouldn't touch a pig unless it hasn't been in the mud.
You still need the last file you removed.
You tread upon my patience.
You used to be indecisive.  Now you're not sure.
You want a fortune?  I'll give you a fortune.  "Blech!"
You were pumping iron as I was pumping irony. ` Robert Plant, Now And Zen
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
You will be awarded some great honor.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize-posthumously.
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
You will be invited to dine with many important people.  Once.
You will be married within a year.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be squirrely today.
You will be successful in love.
You will be successful in your work.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be surrounded by luxury.
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will be told about it tomorrow.^^Go home and prepare thyself.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
You will be where you most desire to be in a short while.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will die of terminal acne.
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will find what is not lost and enter where there are no doors.
You will forget that you ever knew me.
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You will gain money by an illegal or immoral action.
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
You will have a flat tire before the end of the month.
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will have a long and healthy life.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
You will have long and healthy life.
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will inherit millions of dollars.
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
You will know happy motorcyclist by the bug stains on his teeth.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will live by the side of the road and help some pilgrim along life's way.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
You will lose an important file.
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
You will never be younger then you are today... and vise versa.
You will never know hunger.
You will not be elected to public office this year.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
You will outlive those who seek to destroy you.
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You will receive a legacy that will place you above want.
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
You will see the light at the end of the tunnel; unfortunately, it will be the light of an oncoming freight train.
You will soon forget this.
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You will soon meet a stranger who will become your friend.
You will soon meet a strangler who will become your fiend.
You will soon meet a tall dark handsome stranger.
You will spend the rest of your life in the future.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will survive the conflagration.
You will triumph over your enemy.
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
You will wish you hadn't.
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.^^You are not paid enough to worry.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people.
You'll be sorry.
You'll never get dizzy doing a good turn.
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
You're all clear now, kid.  Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
You're all over it, like a cheap suit.
You're at Witt's End.
You're being logical, Albert, but you're not thinking. ` Neils Bohr to^Albert Einstein
You're DIS-PICABLE! ` Daffy Duck
You're fooling yourself. ` Styx, The Grand Illusion
You're my hero!
You're not drunk as long as you can hold onto the floor.
You're old when you forget how to start your rocking chair.
You're peddling your fish in the wrong market. ` Dashiell Hammett (1894-1961)^The Thin Man, 1934
You're traveling through another dimension. . . a dimension of sound, and of mind. Next stop - the Twilight Zone. ` Rod Serling
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
Your aim is high and to the right.
Your aims are high, and you are incapable of much.
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
Your boss is thinking about you.
Your business will assume vast proportions.
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
Your code should be more efficient!
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please re-authorize.
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your development gets rotten if you take too long to market it. ` Hitoshi Aoike, JVC Ltd., Tokyo
Your disk will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
Your enemies are closing in.
Your good nature will bring unbounded happiness.
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Your karma just ran over my dogma.
Your kindness and generosity cause envy in a powerful person nearby.
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. ` Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life, 1979
Your logic was impeccable, Captain.  We are in grave danger.
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
Your love life will be interesting.
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
Your mode of life will be changed to 0644.
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
Your most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
Your motivation is your pay packet on Friday. Now get on with it. ` Noel Coward, to an actor (Attrib.)
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
Your own mileage may vary.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
Your present plans will be successful.
Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
Your project will be late.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your resume will be used on the "Tonight Show" monologue.
Your salary will be increased.
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
Your step will soil many countries.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Your winning smile is your greatest asset.
Your work is very poor, but at least it's slow.
Your Zip file is open.
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
Youth is not a time of life, it's a state of mind.
Youth is wasted on the young. ` George Bernard Shaw
Youth isn't a time of life but a state of mind.
Yowza, yowza, yowza. ` Frank Zappa
Zeus gave Leda the bird.
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:^^Nobody notices when things go right.
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. ` Henny Youngman
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Any problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
Any given program costs more and takes longer than expected.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Harris' Lament: All the good ones are taken.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.
Nothing is a easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Copy machines mangle only important documents.
Copy machines only go wild when copying personal letters.
If you know something can go wrong, and take due precautions,^something else will go wrong.
1. Never be first.^2. Never be last.^3. Never volunteer for anything.
If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them.
An easier way to perform a job becomes obvious as soon as the job is done.
Shortcuts that seem obvious in the middle of a job don't work.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves above average drivers.
If the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to will be on time.
If it jams, force it.^If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
An expert is that person most surprised by evidence to the contrary.
Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.
No real problem has a solution.
How many software people does it takes to change a light bulb?^None, it's a hardware problem.
The wise man breaks wind and is gone.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.
You are a fluke of the universe.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Heller's Law:  The first myth of management is that is exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, much more is said than done.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Give all orders verbally.
Never write anything down that might go into a 'Pearl Harbor File.'
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary,^the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Any instrument, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Build a system that even a fool can use,^and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
There is never enough time to do it right,^but always time to do it twice.
If you can get the part off,^the parts house will have it back-ordered.
Rudnicki's rule:  That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
Cambell's First Law of Automotive Repair:^If you can get to the faulty part,^you don't have the tool to get it off.
If you allow someone to get in front of you,^you'll both have the same destination,^and he'll get the last parking space.
When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.
Law of Life's Highway:^If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Nelson's Law:^The better the four-wheel drive, the farther out you get stuck.
The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.
Bromberg's First Law of Auto Repair:^When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.
Femo's Law of Automotive Engine Repairing:^If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
Atwood's Fourteenth Corollary:^No books are lost by lending, except those you particularly wanted to keep.
Bess' First Principle:^The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
Bess' Second Principle:^You will reach the phone just in time to hear the caller hanging up.
Kovac's Conundrum:^When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Shirley's Law:^Most people deserve each other.
Arthur's First law of Love:^People you are attracted to invariably think you remind them of someone else.
Allen's Law:^Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.
If the facts are against you, argue the law.
If the law is against you, argue the facts.
Seeger's Law:^Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
Python's Principle of TV Morality:^There is nothing wrong with sex on television,^just as long as you don't fall off.
First Rule of Acting:^Whatever happens, look as if it was intended.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Jacob's Law:^To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human.
Felson's Law:^To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Universal Equine Equation:^At any particular time, there are more horse's asses in the world than horses.
Harrison's Postulate:^For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Conway's Lay:^In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.^This person must be fired.
Mars' Rule: An expert is anyone from out of town.
Commentary on Man:^Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,^but most of the time he'll pick himself up and continue on.
Matz's Rule Regrading Medications:^A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific report.
Bitton's Postulate on State-of-the-Art Electronics:^If you understand it, it's obsolete.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Law of the Individual:^Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
The Watergate Principle:^Government corruption is always reported in the past tense.
Todd's First Political Principle:^No matter what they're telling you, they're not telling you the whole truth.
Tood's Second Political Principle:^No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money.
The Fifth Rule of Politics:^When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.
Beach's Law: No two identical parts are alike.
Preliminary studies indicate that researchers cause cancer in laboratory rats.
If only you shared my interests and not just my memories.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered-side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere else, cheaper.
No one's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman,^it will work perfectly.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
The other line always moves faster.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
A $300.00 picture tube will protect a $0.10 fuse by blowing first.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
When in doubt, mumble.^When in trouble, delegate.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
No good deed goes unpunished.
There is always one more bug.
Nature is a mother.
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
Any error that can creep in, will.
In any given computation, the figure that is most obviously correct will be the source of error.
Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical in the field.
The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for that component.
If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.
A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage.
If a prototype functions perfectly,^subsequent production units will malfunction.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed Final Inspection.
After an instrument has been fully assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.
Marriage is like baseball, it's a long season.
The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is so comprehensible.  - A. Einstein
Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's First Corollary: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Corollary: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Eighth Corollary:^Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
A fool and his money are soon invited to go places.
Perrussel's Law:^There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
Dude's Law of Duality:^Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
Fahnestock's Rule for Failure:^If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The Parouzzi Parouzzi Principle:^Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Big Al's Law: A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
DeNevers' Lost Law: Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
Young's Law of Inanimate Mobility:^All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
Evan's Law:^If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,^then you just don't understand the problem.
Spark's Second Rule for Managers:^Attempt to be seen with important people.
Spark's Third Rule for Managers:^Speak with authority;^however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts.
Spark's Fifth Rule for Managers:^Always keep the office door closed.^This puts visitors on the defensive.
Johnson's Corollary:^Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within any organization.
Last Law of Product Design:^If you can't fix it, feature it.
Paul's Law:^You can't fall off the floor.
The Basic Law of Construction:^Cut it large and kick it into place.
Willoughby's Law:^When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Wright's First Law of Quality:^Quality is inversely proportional to the time left for completion of the project.
Second Law of Applied Confusion:^One-day truck deliveries will take five when you are waiting for the truck. 
First Law of Revision:^Critical design change information will be conveyed to the designer after the plans are complete.
Richard's First Law of Ownership:^If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
Richard's Second Law of Ownership:^If you throw anything away, you will need it the next day.
Negative expectations yield negative results.^Positive expectations yield negative results.
Ginsberg's Theorem:^1. You can't win.^2. You can't break even.^3. You can't even quit the game.
Snider's Law: Nothing can be done in one trip.
Pope's Law: Chipped dishes never break.
Woodside's Grocery Principle:^The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
Bell's Theorem:^When a body is immersed in water, the phone rings.
Skoff's Law: A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
Hamilton's Window Rule:^The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side.
Thiessen's Law:^Butter hardness is directly proportional to roll softness.
Diner's Dilemma: A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Young's Comment on the Scientific Method:^You can't get here from there.
Souder's Law:^Repetition does not establish validity.
Tenenbaum's Replicability Law:^The most interesting results happen only once.
The Poker Principle:^Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Murphy's Constant:^Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Marriage is like a hot bath.^After you've been in it for awhile, it ain't so hot.
As far as we know, we have no undetected failures.
Money does talk, but it usually says "Good-Bye".
Management Directive:^Don't worry about the mule, just load the wagon.
From Dijkstra:^The use of COBOL cripples the mind;^its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
If pigs could fly, we wouldn't need to throw footballs.
Relativity for Children: Time moves slower in a fast moving vehicle.
Edd's Law of Radiology:^The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body you must place on it.
Grandpa Charnock's Law:^You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
First Law of Practice:^Plays that work in theory do not work in practice.
Second Law of Practice:^Plays that work in practice do not work during the game.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Dykstra's Law:^Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Zappa's Law:^There are two things on earth that are universal:^hydrogen and stupidity.
Fourth Workshop Principle:^The more carefully you plan a project,^the more confusion there is when something goes wrong.
Third Workshop Principle:^Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
Second Workshop Principle:^Most projects require three hands.
First Law of Bicycling:^No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
Munder's Theorem: For every "10" there are 10 "1's."
Rule #1: The boss is always right.^Rule #2: If the boss is wrong, see rule #1.
The Ire Principle:^Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
Young's Principle on Emergent Individuation:^Everybody wants to peel his own banana.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:^The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
A meeting is that event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Berra's First Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Berra's Second Law: Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Livingston's First Law of Fat:^Fat expands to fill any apparel worn.
Livingston's Second Law of Fat:^A fat person walks in the middle of the hall.
Livingston's Corollary to the Laws of Fat:^Two fat people will walk side by side, whether they know each other or not.
First Law of Photography:^The best shots happen immediately after the last frame is exposed.
Second Law of Photography:^The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.
Third Law of Photography:^The best shots will be ruined when someone opens the dark room and all of the dark leaks out.
Bogovich's Law:^He who hesitates is probably right.
Strano's Law:^When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.
Brintall's Second Law:^If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
Shapiros's Law of Reward:^The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
Scott's Law of Business:^Never walk down the hallway without a piece of paper in your hand.
Doane's Law of Procrastination:^The more proficient one is at procrastination,^the less proficient on need be at all else.
Worker's First Dilemma:^ No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
Worker's Second Dilemma:^What you don't do is always more important than what you do.
Second Law of Committodynamics:^The less you enjoy serving on committees,^the more likely you are to be pressed to do so.
If frogs had wings, they wouldn't be bouncing around on their bums.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Murphy's Corollary:^When a failure occurs, the path of destruction will lead directly to the least accessible component.
Pinto's Law:^Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Lynch's Law:^The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.
Gluck's First Law:^Whichever way you turn upon entering an elevator,^the buttons will be on the opposite side.
Drummond's Law of Personnel Recruiting:^The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
Shanahan's Law:^The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
Boren's Law:^1. When in doubt, mumble.^2. When in trouble, delegate.^3. When in charge, ponder.
Beet's Axiom: He who dies with the most toys wins.
Connor's Second Law:^If something is confidential, it will be left in the copy machine.
Langsam's Ornithological Axiom:^It's difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:^Things get worse under pressure.
Owen's Theory of Organizational Deviance:^Every organization has an allotted number of positions to be filled by misfits.
Owen's Corollary to the Theory of Organizational Deviance:^Once a misfit leaves, another will be recruited.
Vile's Law for Educations:^No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Gillmore's Dilemma: The smoker is always upwind.
Weinder's Law of Libraries:^There are no answers, only cross-references.
Cooper's Law:^If you do not understand a word in a technical report ignore it.^It will make sense without it.
`!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
`!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
`(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.^(2) Great generals are forewarned.^(3) Forewarned is forearmed.^(4) Four is an even number.^(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.^(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.^^Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
`(1) Everything depends.^(2) Nothing is always.^(3) Everything is sometimes.
`1.79 x 10`^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's^the law!
`10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
`100 buckets of bits on the bus	^100 buckets of bits^Take one down, short it to ground^FF buckets of bits on the bus	^^FF buckets of bits on the bus	^FF buckets of bits^Take one down, short it to ground^FE buckets of bits on the bus	^^ad infinitum...
`$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at^which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.^ `  Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
`101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR^	(1)  Scarecrow for centipedes^	(2)  Dead cat brush^	(3)  Hair barrettes^	(4)  Cleats^	(5)  Self-piercing earrings^	(6)  Fungus trellis^	(7)  False eyelashes^	(8)  Prosthetic dog claws^        .^        .^        .^	(99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)^	(100) Killer velcro^	(101) Currency
`186,282 miles per second:^^It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
`2180, U.S. History question:^	What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what^office did he later hold?
`$3,000,000
`"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible^simulation!"
`43rd Law of Computing:^	Anything that can go wr^fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
`77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant^^------- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme^--- --- (8)	boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife^------- (7)	smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working^---O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop the^---X--- (9)	GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates to^--- --- (8)	nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.^^Nine in the second place means:^	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.^^Six in the third place means:^	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue^	Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
`7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)^	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National^	Redwood Forest.
`7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)^	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the^	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
`99 blocks of crud on the disk,^99 blocks of crud!^You patch a bug, and dump it again:^100 blocks of crud on the disk!^^100 blocks of crud on the disk,^100 blocks of crud!^You patch a bug, and dump it again:^101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
`A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a^"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.^ `  Mahatma Ghandi
`A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.^Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific^game.  The player should estimate the distance the ball would have^traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,^preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.^ `  Donald A. Metz
`A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and^placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or^rolled into the rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results^from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball^and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the^ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical^phenomena.^ `  Donald A. Metz
`A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no^responsibility at the other.
`A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.^ `  Carl Sandburg
`A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out^of a divorce.^ `  Don Quinn
`A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining^and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.^ `  Mark Twain
`A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it^adds up to be real money.^ `  Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
`A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
`A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
`A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
`... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you^have turned into a pile of dust.
`A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have^enlightened him with ours.
`A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well^as afterward.
`A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the^poor to protect them from each other.
`A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
`A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not^mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty^trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.^ `  Dave Barry
`A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
`A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.^Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
`A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but^won't cross the street to vote in a national election.^ `  Bill Vaughan
`A city is a large community where people are lonesome together^ `  Herbert Prochnow
`A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody^wants to read.^ `  Mark Twain
`A closed mouth gathers no foot.
`A computer, to print out a fact,^Will divide, multiply, and subtract.^	But this output can be^	No more than debris,^If the input was short of exact.^ `  Gigo
`A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
`A CONS is an object which cares.^ `  Bernie Greenberg.
`A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it^is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
`A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.^ `  Dyer
`A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the^damned things is ample.^ `  Rebecca West
`A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.^ `  Ben Franklin
`A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison^And had an affair with a Saracen.^	She was not oversexed,^	Or jealous or vexed,^She just wanted to make a comparison.
`A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen^lantern.^ `  Edgar A. Shoaff
`A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
`A day without sunshine is like night.
`A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur^coat.
`A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that^you will look forward to the trip.
`	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was^eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality^test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."^	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into^the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
`A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
`	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing^about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their^arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon^the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because^Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply^incredible surgical feat."^	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the^Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of^that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an^architect."^	The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,^"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
`A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.^ `  Ogden Nash
`A dozen, a gross, and a score,^Plus three times the square root of four,^	Divided by seven,^	Plus five time eleven,^Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
`A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a^Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.^Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network^with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the^Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor."  The Hacker then quickly^pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while^simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick^Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
`A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the^subject.^ `  Winston Churchill
`A fool must now and then be right by chance.
`A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into^superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.^ `  G. B. Shaw
`A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block^of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an^elephant.
`A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.^ `  D. Gries
`"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch^dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."^ `  Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
`A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.^ `  Adlai Stevenson
`A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than^he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men^favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter^facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`A general leading the State Department resembles  a dragon commanding^ducks.^ `  New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
`A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.^A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.^But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*.^ `  S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
`A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort^of).
`A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened^into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the^hope of greening the landscape of idea.^ `  John Ciardi
`A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely^rearranging their prejudices.^ `  William James
`A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest^man a century.
`A hypothetical paradox:^	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security^team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of^Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?^ `  Tom Galloway
`A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.^C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.^E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.^G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.^I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.^K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.^M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.^O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl^Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.^S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.^U is for Una  who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.^W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.^Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.^ `  Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
`A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
`A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide^who has the better lawyer.^ `  Robert Frost
`A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
`A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
`A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
`A lady with one of her ears applied^To an open keyhole heard, inside,^Two female gossips in converse free --^The subject engaging them was she.^"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks^That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"^As soon as no more of it she could hear^The lady, indignant, removed her ear.^"I will not stay," she said with a pout,^"To hear my character lied about!"^ `  Gopete Sherany
`A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is^not worth knowing.
`A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program^in than some that do.^ `  Dennis M. Ritchie
`A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work^by being declared to work.^ `  Anatol Holt
`A Law of Computer Programming:^	Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you^will find the programmers cannot write in English.
`A limerick packs laughs anatomical^Into space that is quite economical.^	But the good ones I've seen^	So seldom are clean,^And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
`A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of^nothing.
`A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.^ `  H. H. Munroe
`A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
`A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.  Buy the negatives at any^price.
`A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in^his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and^exceptional ability in that particular field."
`A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.^ `  Steve Wright
`A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I^believe everything positively stinks.^ `  Lew Col
`	A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The^first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.^	"No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow^and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."^	"But the collar is up around my ears!"^	"It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a^little more ... that's it."^	"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!"  the man cries in desperation.^	"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you^go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."^	So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the^street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.^	"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"^	"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"^^"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a^sense of obligation."^ `  Stephen Crane
`A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
`	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his^novices.  "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how^insignificant," said the master.^^	"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.^^	"It is," came the reply.^^	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.^^	"It is even in a video game," said the master.^^	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"^^	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The^lesson is over for today," he said.^ `  "The Tao of Programming"
`A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
`A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed^on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new^game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the^pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly^along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their^heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn^around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite^direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the^paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin^colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins^fall over gently onto their backs.^ `  Audobon Society Magazine
`	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at^the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the^pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite^nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."^	"If what?"  asked the composer.^	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
`A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out^on loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed^loudly inside the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom^do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
`A new dramatist of the absurd^Has a voice that will shortly be heard.^	I learn from my spies^	He's about to devise^An unprintable three-letter word.
`A new koan:^^	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.^^	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.^^It is an ice cream koan.
`A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.^Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now^has no excuse for further procrastination.
`A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies^insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the^right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
`A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the^rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
`	A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which^removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to^doing nothing.  Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous^amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner.  Certain hardware^limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the^larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient^power-down sequence.^	An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the^building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has^bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer^cool.
`A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power^off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:^"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no^understanding of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off^and on.  The machine worked.
`A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
`A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.^ `  Gloria Steinem
`A penny saved is ridiculous.
`A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
`A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.^ `  George Wald
`A pig is a jolly companion,^Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --^A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, ^Though mountains may topple and tilt.^When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,^When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,^Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,^You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,^You'll never go wrong with a pig!^ `  Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
`	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling^			  by Mark Twain^^	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped^to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer^be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained^would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2^might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the^same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with^"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.^	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear^with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12^or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.^Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi^ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz^ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.^	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud^hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
`"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"^ `  Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
`A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?^^And he answered:^^It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.^^It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.^^It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City^upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come^to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.^^And that is Fate?  said the priest.^^Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.^^That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was^too.^ `  Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
`	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came^upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.^"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow^man".^	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,^he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
`A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
`"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis^of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite^series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric^precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from^inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical^accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality^for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly^defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the^information in the first place."^ `  IEEE Grid news magazine
`A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that^your wife will give you for free.
`A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be^too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which^was intended for her preservation.^ `  Colton
`A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as^"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if^the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants^to make a travesty of the game.^ `  Donald A. Metz
`"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked^out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."^ `  Steel City News
`"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
`A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:^^Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,^"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny^bits, in thy mercy."  And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the^lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and^breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the^Holy Pin.  Then thou must count to three.  Three shall be the number of^the counting and the number of the counting shall be three.  Four shalt^thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then^proceedeth to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number three, being^the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand^Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,^shall snuff it."^ `  Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
`A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices^that the system works.
`A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and^the real reason.
`A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen^objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer^scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added^concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three^dimensional objects ...
`A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may^not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized^rosewater.
`A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man^contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.^ `  Antoine de Saint-Exupery
`A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will^keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those^that are worth committing.^ `  Samuel Butler
`		A Severe Strain on the Credulity^^As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest^parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket^is a practicable and therefore promising device.  It is when one^considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one^begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really^starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor^maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.^Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing^of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to^re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum^against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the^knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.^ `  New York Times Editorial, 1920
`A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard^ `  Prof. Steiner
`... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he^was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.^ `  Mark Twain
`A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.^ `  O'Henry
`A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many^bad measures.^ `  Daniel Webster
`A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an^exam.
`A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to^Greenblatt.  As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it^true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as^Lisp?"  Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt^shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
`A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something^undreamed of by its author.^ `  S. C. Johnson
`A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
`A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,^and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by^blowing first.
`A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene^triangle.
`A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
`A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest^in students.^ `  John Ciardi
`"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."^	-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
`A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,^Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.^	She found a good way^	To combine work and play:^She sells C shells by the seashore.
`A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature^replaces it with.^ `  Tennessee Williams
`A very intelligent turtle^Found programming UNIX a hurdle^	The system, you see,^	Ran as slow as did he,^And that's not saying much for the turtle.
`A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without^getting nervous.
`A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets^people's attention.
`"A witty saying proves nothing."^ `  Voltaire
`"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to^admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact^remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one^reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It^is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of^using indirect spells.  It also does no harm, in dealing with these^matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."^ `  The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
`A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe^in God.
`A.A.A.A.A.:^	An organization for drunks who drive
`AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!^You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
`Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
`"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the^ends."^ `  Herbert Hoover
`Absence makes the heart go wander.
`Absent, adj.:^	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;^slandered.
`Absentee, n.:^	A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove^himself from the sphere of exaction.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Abstainer, n.:^	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a^pleasure.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Absurdity, n.:^	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own^opinion.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,^because the stakes are so low.^ `  Wallace Sayre
`Accident, n.:^	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of^body is better.
`Accidents cause History.^^If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the^Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not^have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil^could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and^the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person^shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than^fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening^of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of^the returns."
`According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least^once a year.
`According to my best recollection, I don't remember.^ `  Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
`According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are^totally worthless.
`According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never^dies.
`"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to^live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came^in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.^Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."^ `  David Letterman
`Accordion, n.:^	A bagpipe with pleats.
`Accuracy, n.:^	The vice of being right
`			ACHTUNG!!!^^Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy^schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit^spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das^rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und^vatch das blinkenlights!!!
`Acid -- better living through chemistry.
`Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
`Acquaintance, n.:^	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well^enough to lend to.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from^coughing."
`Actor:	"I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had^	everyone glued in their seats!"^Oliver Herford:	"Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of^	it!"
`Actor:	So what do you do for a living?^Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving^	dishes for Chinese restaurants.^ `  Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
`Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
`ADA, n.:^	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in^Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA^awareness."
`Admiration, n.:^	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Adolescence, n.:^	The stage between puberty and adultery.
`"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look^like you ..."^ `  Gilda Radner
`Adore, v.:^	To venerate expectantly.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Adult, n.:^	One old enough to know better.
`Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest^way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.^ `  Sinclair Lewis
`Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,^then at least be asceptic.
`After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose^names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary^Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted^many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi^Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two^different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current^developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer^attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led^to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today,^skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously^injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it^hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact^that it sinks like a stone.^ `  Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
`After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.^It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life^more advanced than the lichen family.^ `  Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly^		   Do"
`After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
`"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known^quotations."^ `  H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
`After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not^for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have^simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.^ `  P. J. O'Rourke
`After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found^on the bench.
`	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from^Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,^and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon^to be created."^	"This is true," He replied.^	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.^	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the^right to make his laws?"^	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to^make his own."^	It was so granted.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of^the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the^cost to others, to win advancement."^ `  Norman Thomas
`After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
`After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe^everything.  Just in case.
`After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access^cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been^removed.
`Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a^change.
`Afternoon, n.:^	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the^morning.
`Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`Age, n.:^	That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we^still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise^to commit.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
`Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, ^there's the rub.^^For all dreams are not equal,^some exit to nightmare^most end with the dreamer^^But at least one must be lived ... and died.
`"Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the^Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact^that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately^unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep^up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."^ `  A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
`Air is water with holes in it
`Alas, I am dying beyond my means.^ `  Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
`Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire^telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New^York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?^And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they^receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
`Alden's Laws:^	(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause^	    of pregnancy.^	(2) Always be backlit.^	(3) Sit down whenever possible.
`Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,^Aleph-null bottles of beer,^	You take one down, and pass it around,^Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
`Alex Haley was adopted!
`Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting^for a dial tone.
`Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of^them keeps paying for it.^ `  Peggy Joyce
`All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent^upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a^visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is^informing, stimulating and ennobling.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely^than others.^ `  Alan Truscott
`All extremists should be taken out and shot.
`All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing^without thinking.
`"All flesh is grass"^ `  Isiah^Smoke a friend today.
`All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
`All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own^importance.
`All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled^by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
`All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power^ `  Ashleigh Brilliant
`All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are^Socrates.^ `  Woody Allen
`"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us^sane."
`"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more^specific."^ `  Jane Wagner
`All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.^ `  The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
`All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of^the United States.^ `  Vic Gold
`All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
`All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
`All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of^every organism to live beyond its income.^ `  Samuel Butler
`All science is either physics or stamp collecting.^ `  E. Rutherford
`"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right^hands."^ `  Saint Patrick
`All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
`All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,^too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you^subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you^can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.^Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax^decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What^if it rains?"^ `  Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
`"... all the modern inconveniences ..."^ `  Mark Twain
`All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most^ridiculous ones.^ `  La Rochefoucauld
`All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by^the government in less than a second.^ `  Jim Fiebig
`All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.^ `  Sean O'Casey
`All the world's a VAX,^And all the coders merely butchers;^They have their exits and their entrails;^And one int in his time plays many widths,^His sizeof being N bytes.  At first the infant,^Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.^And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,^And shining morning face, creeping like slug^Unwillingly to school.^ `  A Very Annoyed PDP-11
`All theoretical chemistry is really physics;^and all theoretical chemists know it.^ `  Richard P. Feynman
`All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
`All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for^fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.
`All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
`All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes^infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in^which he was born.^ `  Francois Fenelon
`Alliance, n.:^	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have^their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot^separately plunder a third.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Alone, adj.:^	In bad company.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight^Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.^ `  Dave Barry
`Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
`Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,^mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have^any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place^to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,^Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a^serious electrical shock.  This proved that lighting was powered by the^same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely^that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A^penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a job^running the post office.^ `  Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
`Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been^reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the^day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable^interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on^pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,^and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.^Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous^material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the^management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion^the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical^Gamekeeping."^ `  Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
`Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid^back.
`Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
`"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing^that way."
`Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
`		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...^^If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end^across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
`		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...^^There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it^would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
`Ambidextrous, adj.:^	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.^ `  Charlie McCarthy
`America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism^to decadence without touching civilization.^ `  John O'Hara
`America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,^until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and^changed its name to "America".^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective^employees be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for^employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference^between the men's room and the women's room without having little^pictures on the doors.^ `  Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
`"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
`An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because^people refuse to see it.^ `  James Michener, "Space"
`An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but^is always polite to traffic cops.
`"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to^New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but^not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."^ `  David Letterman
`An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
`	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He^knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with^great restraint.^	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and^embellishment after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away^to be used "next time".  Sooner or later the first system is finished,^and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of^that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.^	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.^When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will^confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,^and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that^are particular and not generalizable.^	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using^all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first^one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".^ `  Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
`An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
`An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree^murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's^mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.^Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the^suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a^murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
`An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you^really care to know.
`An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
`An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
`An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded^summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your^arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!"  Sir Geoffrey^responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
`An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.^ `  A. P. Herbert
`An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He^wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is^advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and^Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in^incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote^excellence:^^"The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and^discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able^to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting^things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch^parts or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a^timeless statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who^doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.^Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high^school.  Because of his acne.  People who are probably nowhere near as^successful as he is now.  Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and^they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.  Hahahahahahahahaha."^ `  Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
`An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
`"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often^picturesque liar."^ `  Mark Twain
`An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these^eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as^possible.^ `  Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
`An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
`	An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity^in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.^	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if^you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like^an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an^hour seems like a minute."^	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a^moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
`Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no^government at all.
`And as we stand on the edge of darkness^Let our chant fill the void^That others may know^^	In the land of the night^	The ship of the sun^	Is drawn by^	The grateful dead.^^ `  Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
`... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
`And I heard Jeff exclaim,^As they strolled out of sight,^"Merry Christmas to all --^You take credit cards, right?"^ `  "Outsiders" comic
`... And malt does more than Milton can^To justify God's ways to man^ `  A. E. Housman
`And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
`"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of^your own."^        	-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter^		   Preposterous Words
`And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and^fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it^looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own.  One^approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin^is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then^of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides^gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode.  So this^procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom^youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and^Orson Welles.^ `  Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
`"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a^courtesy detail."
`And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a^horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical^columnar supports, which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory,^ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the^world.^ `  Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
`	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"^asked the father of his little son.^	"Diet."
`And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have^a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks^tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets^tragedy face to face, we have politics.^ `  Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and^		   Ground Cover"
`Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.^Galileo: No, unhappy the land that needs heroes.^ `  Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
`Angels we have heard on High^Tell us to go out and Buy.^ `  Tom Lehrer
`Ankh if you love Isis.
`Anoint, v.:^	To grease a king or other great functionary already^sufficiently slippery.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`		Another Glitch in the Call^ ` ----- ------ -- --- ----^	(Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)^^We don't need no indirection^We don't need no flow control^No data typing or declarations^Did you leave the lists alone?^^	Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!^^Chorus:^	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.^	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
`Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
`Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but^television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom^and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that^offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.^ `  Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly^		   Do"
`		Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:^^(1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).^(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.^(3) I don't know.^(4) Who cares?^(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,^    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.^(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my^    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and^    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of^    Papyrus Books).
`Anthony's Law of Force:^	Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
`Anthony's Law of the Workshop:^	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible^	corner of the workshop.^^Corollary:^	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike^	your toes.
`Antonym, n.:^	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
`Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.^ `  Charles McCabe
`Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.^ `  Charles McCabe
`Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a^representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a^representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone^capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.^ `  Richard Schickel
`Any excuse will serve a tyrant.^ `  Aesop
`Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that^this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a^whole week.
`Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to^sell it.
`Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche^-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance,^my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off^the fence."  I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was^undoubtedly true.^ `  Solomon Short
`Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.^ `  Sydney J. Harris
`Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger^object.
`Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to^exactly the point of most pressure.^ `  Milt Barber
`Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.^ `  Rich Kulawiec
`Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged^demo.
`Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.^ `  Arthur C. Clarke
`Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked^something.
`Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.^ `  Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
`Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
`Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is^probably parked.
`Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
`Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is^supposed to be doing at the moment.^ `  Robert Benchley
`Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.^ `  Publilius Syrus
`Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with^none.
`Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he^is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not^make messes in the house.^ `  Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
`Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.^ `  Samuel Goldwyn
`Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.^ `  W. C. Fields
`Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no^account be allowed to do the job.^ `  Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
`Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never^tried taking candy from a baby.^ `  Robin Hood
`Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
`Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
`Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
`Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the^price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"^means the price went way up.
`Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
`Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
`"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
`Aphorism, n.:^	A concise, clever statement.^Afterism, n.:^	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.^ `  James Alexander Thom
`APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of^the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of^coding bums.
`"APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I^can't read any of them."^ `  Roy Keir
`Aquadextrous, adj.:^	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off^with your toes.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)^	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.^	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to^	be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same^	mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.
`Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:^	Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing^general can be said."
`ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --^    FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
`Are you a turtle?
`Are you a turtle?
`"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."^ `  Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
`ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)^	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You^	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are^	not very nice.
`Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your^shoes.^ `  Mickey Mouse
`Armadillo:^	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
`Arnold's Laws of Documentation:^	(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.^	(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.^	(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the^	    first two laws.
`Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to^measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you^imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`Art is anything you can get away with.^ `  Marshall McLuhan.
`Art is either plagiarism or revolution.^ `  Paul Gauguin
`Arthur's Laws of Love:^	(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you^	    remind them of someone else.^	(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be^	    delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of^	    yourself in person.
`Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
`As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are^interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick^perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,^"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...^ `  Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
`"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual^certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I^became a scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can^meet girls."^ `  Matt Cartmill
`As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not^certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.^ `  Albert Einstein
`As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.^ `  Weisert
`As I was going up Punch Card Hill,^	Feeling worse and worser,^There I met a C.R.T.^	And it drop't me a cursor.^^C.R.T., C.R.T.,^	Phosphors light on you!^If I had fifty hours a day^	I'd spend them all at you.^^ `  Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
`As I was passing Project MAC,^I met a Quux with seven hacks.^Every hack had seven bugs;^Every bug had seven manifestations;^Every manifestation had seven symptoms.^Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,^How many losses at Project MAC?
`As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great^industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free^speech and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to^myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a^real American talk like that.^ `  Frank Hague (1896-1956)
`As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
`As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its^fascination.  When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be^popular.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
`"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500^programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."^ `  USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new^		   computer system.
`As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it^wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had^to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized^that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in^finding mistakes in my own programs.^ `  Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
`As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's^so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.^ `  Woody Allen
`As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there^is always a future in Computer Maintenance.^ `  National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
`As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free^variable."
`As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple^memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time^to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,^E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.^ `  Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
`As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would^interfere with flight.  [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the^Wright Brothers.  They were watching birds one day, trying to figure^out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on^Wilbur.  "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual^organs!"  You should have seen their original design.]  As a result,^birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually.  You almost never^see an aroused bird.  So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and^stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations^with their feet.  When they find a conversation in which people are^talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both^highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.^ `  Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every^		   Teen Should Know"
`As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears.  Unable to pull^your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.^The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along^with your complexion.  You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall^from the limbs of the tree.  Snap!  Your head falls off and rolls all^over the ground.  The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of^a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head.  Worse yet, the^spider is suing you for damages.
`As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
`ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
`Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if^one went to Harvard).^ `  Edgar R. Fiedler
`Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
`Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the^Station-to-Station rate.
`Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the^bathtub, it tolls for thee.

`Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"^for an answer.
`"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old^woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, 'The way I look at it,^she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"^ `  David Letterman
`Ass, n.:^	The masculine of "lass".
`Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.^Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be^strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.^Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check^and dying broke.^ `  Stanley Walker
`"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los^Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head^under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
`At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is^not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where^it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.^ `  Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
`At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial^challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.^ `  The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
`At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial^challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.^ `  The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
`... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.^ `  J. B. White
`"At least they're EXPERIENCED incompetents"
`At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his^thumb with a hammer.^ `  Marshall Lumsden
`At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will^find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on^the computer.
`Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole^or street lamp.
`Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.^ `  Winston Churchill
`Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever^depths they were once able to plumb.^ `  Stanley Kaufman
`Automobile, n.:^	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down^pedestrians.
`Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.^ `  National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
`Avoid reality at all costs.
`"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but^we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."^ `  Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
`Bacchus, n.:^	A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for^getting drunk.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Bagbiter:^	1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually^intermittently.  2. adj.:  Failing hardware or software.  "This^bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar."  Usage:  verges on^obscenity.  Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the^bag".  Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,^CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
`Bagdikian's Observation:^	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American^newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a^ukelele.
`Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:^	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides^by governors.
`Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
`Banectomy, n.:^	The removal of bruises on a banana.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
`Barach's Rule:^	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own^physician.
`Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the^floor -- especially in the dark.
`Barometer, n.:^	An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we^are having.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Barth's Distinction:^	There are two types of people: those who divide people into two^types, and those who don't.
`Baruch's Observation:^	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
`Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high^taxes.^ `  Will Rogers
`Basic is a high level languish.^APL is a high level anguish.
`"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of 'Scientific Creationism'."
`Basic, n.:^	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in^that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
`Bathquake, n.:^	The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water^faucet is turned on to a certain point.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your^door.
`BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
`Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely^get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your^face.^ `  National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
`Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
`Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.^ `  Mark Twain
`Be different: conform.
`Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so^get used to it.
`Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
`Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and^miss^ `  Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
`Bees are very busy souls^They have no time for birth controls^And that is why in times like these^There are so many Sons of Bees.
`	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and^took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his^followers.^	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and^there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.^	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his^commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your^Purpose in Life, anyway?"^	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The^Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)^	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.^	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.^ `  Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
`Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's^ego.
`Begathon, n.:^	A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so^you won't have to watch commercials.
`Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh^away.
`Beifeld's Principle:^	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and^receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is^already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better^looking and richer male friend.
`"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!"  <huff, huff>
`"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
`Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
`Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:^	(1) Houses are for people to live in.^	(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.^	(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
`"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"^ `  Time Bandits
`Besides the device, the box should contain:^^* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"^^* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two^  club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.^^YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram^cable.^^IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your^spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car^that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King^without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's^why."^^WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.^ `  Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
`Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
`better !pout !cry^better watchout^lpr why^santa claus <north pole >town^^cat /etc/passwd >list^ncheck list ^ncheck list^cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist^cat list | grep nice >giftlist^santa claus <north pole > town^^who | grep sleeping^who | grep awake^who | egrep 'bad|good'^for (goodness sake) {^	be good^}
`Better dead than mellow.
`Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson^Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.^Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and^great effort pushing boulders into a single word.^^It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.^Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin^equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the^destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass^both Parliament and Party.^^It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other^planets, this may be the first message received from us.^ `  The Realist, November, 1964.
`"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not^tried it."^ `  Donald Knuth
`Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
`Beware of low-flying butterflies.
`Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.^ `  Leonard Brandwein
`Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a^drip under pressure.
`"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and^finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of^murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by^their ignorance the hard way."^ `  Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
`Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but^nothing of interest is easy.
`Binary, adj.:^	Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
`"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same^thing as division."
`Bipolar, adj.:^	Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,^New York
`Birth, n.:^	The first and direst of all disasters.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
`Bizoos, n.:^	The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a^basketball.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
`Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
`Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as^Wheels.
`BLISS is ignorance
`Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
`Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
`Blore's Razor:^	Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is^funnier.
`Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in^plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has^it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was^arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept^throwing up on them.
`Boling's postulate:^	If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
`Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:^	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so^vividly manifests their lack of progress.
`Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:^	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
`BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! 
`Boob's Law:^	You always find something in the last place you look.
`Bore, n.:^	A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.^ `  Walter Winchell
`Bore, n.:^	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Boren's Laws:^	(1) When in charge, ponder.^	(2) When in trouble, delegate.^	(3) When in doubt, mumble.
`Boss, n.:^	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages^the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,^in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an^ornamental stud."
`Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry^that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation^straightened out for a crowbar.^ `  O. W. Holmes
`Boston, n.:^	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for^finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
`"Boy, life takes a long time to live^ `  Steven Wright
`Boy, n.:^	A noise with dirt on it.
`Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least^when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.^ `  James Thurber
`Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.^ `  Kin Hubbard
`Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the^unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only^(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend^to think of it as 'Constructive Snottiness.'^ `  Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking^		   Style"
`Bradley's Bromide:^	If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a^committee -- that will do them in.
`Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:^	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more^easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have^handled this?"
`Brain fried -- Core dumped
`Brain, n.:^	The apparatus with which we think that we think.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:^	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of^error in an opponent.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,^since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`Bride, n.:^	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may^revitalize the corner saloon.
`British Israelites:^	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of^Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by^Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further^believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the^Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in^the hand of the Arabs.  They also believe that if you sleep with your^head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`Broad-mindedness, n.:^	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
`Brontosaurus Principle:^	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them^in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when^this occurs, they are an endangered species.^ `  Thomas K. Connellan
`Brook's Law:^	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
`Brooke's Law:^	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool^discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it^beyond recognition.
`Bubble Memory, n.:^	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's^intelligence.  See also "vacuum tube".
`Bucy's Law:^	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
`Bug, n.:^	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the^programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he^wrote the program.^^Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.^ `  Ray Simard
`Bugs, pl. n.:^	Small living things that small living boys throw on small^living girls.
`BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the^	    outfit."^GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"^BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."^ `  Jay Ward
`Bumper sticker:^^"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British^manufacture"
`Bureaucrat, n.:^	A person who cuts red tape sideways.^ `  J. McCabe
`Bureaucrat, n.:^	A politician who has tenure.
`Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
`Burn's Hog Weighing Method:^	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a^	    sawhorse.^	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.^	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again^	    perfectly balanced.^	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.^ `  Robert Burns
`	... But among the children of the Great Society there were^those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,^and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...^	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and^they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my^people go to the front of the bus."^	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all^deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove^yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like^unto a snowball in Hell."^ `  "The Begatting of a President"
`... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can^easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed^and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession)^upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was^without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based^on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court^was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and^sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,^human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations^paws."
`"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
`... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human^intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as^we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues^that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding^of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard^example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --^makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing^whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a^finite or an infinite number.^ `  S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
`But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the^system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,^analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.^ `  Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing^		   Compilers"
`"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast^to the nearest gas station."
`But scientists, who ought to know^Assure us that it must be so.^Oh, let us never, never doubt^What nobody is sure about.^ `  Hilaire Belloc
`But soft you, the fair Ophelia:^Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,^But get thee to a nunnery -- go!^ `  Mark "The Bard" Twain
`But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who^was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal^education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in^1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of^American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was^invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he^invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant^adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends^electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the^electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant^part) sends it right back to the customer again.^^This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch^of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since^very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.^In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United^States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it^ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate^increases.^ `  Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
`"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad^place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.^Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What is a^kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,^poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?  Have I^explained yet about the bytes?"
`... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.^ `  Virginia Masters
`"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable^computers?"
`Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes^Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;^Less dear than army ants in apple pies^Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,^Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;^Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose^They suck, and like the double-breasted suit^Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,^Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;^And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:^Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;^Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.^Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,^Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
`By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task^completely overwhelm you.
`"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact,^it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to^invent. (R. Emerson)"^ `  Quoted from a fortune cookie program^		   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")^		   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to^		   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
`"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began^to suspect 'Hungry' ..."^ `  Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
`By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I^mean.^ `  Mark Twain
`Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to^point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very^fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are^often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people^from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B^that so many people from point A are so keen to get there.  They often^wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell^they wanted to be.^ `  Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
`C, n.:^	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more^like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or^anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art^today, or it isn't.^ `  Ray Simard
`Cabbage, n.:^	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as^a man's head.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."^ `  The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
`Cahn's Axiom:^	When all else fails, read the instructions.
`California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.^ `  Fred Allen
`California, n.:^	From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or^Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or^"fornication."  Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."^ `  Ed Moran
`Call on God, but row away from the rocks.^ `  Indian proverb
`"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target^Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
`"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."^ `  Alice Roosevelt Longworth
`"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth^Corner, Vermont."^ `  Clarence Darrow
`Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two^points.^ `  M. M. Johnston
`Canada Bill Jone's Motto:^	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.^^Supplement:^	A .44 magnum beats four aces.
`Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents^for postage and 30 cents for storage.^ `  Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial^		   Post
`Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?^Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,^A root or two, a torus and a node:^The inverse of my verse, a null domain.^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`CANCER (June 21 - July 22)^	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's^problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things^off.  That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare^recipients are Cancer people.
`Canonical, adj.:^	The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true^story:  One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some^annoyance at the use of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a^point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and^eventually it began to sink in.  Finally, in one conversation, he used^the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.^	Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"^	Stallman: "What did he say?"^	Steele: "He just used 'canonical' in the canonical way."
`CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)^	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do^much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any^importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as^they take root and become trees.
`Captain Penny's Law:^	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of^the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
`Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than^expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to^complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their^planning to reduce the time it takes.
`Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and^trousers that don't match.
`Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:^	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a^dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then^putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Cat, n.:^	Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
`Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.^ `  Mark Twain
`Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
`CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
`Cecil, you're my final hope^Of finding out the true Straight Dope^For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat^But none of my cats are at all like that.^This unusual animal (so it is said)^Is simultaneously alive and dead!^What I don't understand is just why he^Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.^My future now hangs in between eigenstates.^In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.^If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way^And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.^But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,^Then I will *and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.^ `  Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium^		   of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
`Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
`Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the^center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation^works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.^ `  Kelvin Throop III
`Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,^how many?
`Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.^Jaka:		Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something^Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy^		out of it?^Jaka:		Ugh!^Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?^ `  Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
`Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long^walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They^then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy^health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,^not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find^only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the^others who have tried it.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--^	Did you ever try buying them without money?^ `  Ogden Nash
`			Chapter 1^^The story so far:^^	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot^of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
`Character Density, n.:^	The number of very weird people in the office.
`Checkuary, n.:^	The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and^ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his^checks.
`Chef, n.:^	Any cook who swears in French.
`Chemicals, n.:^	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
`Chemistry is applied theology.^ `  Augustus Stanley Owsley III
`Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
`Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:^	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn^headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".^ `  Chicago Reader 3/27/81
`Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:^	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request^for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will^cheerfully baste you.^ `  Chicago Reader 5/28/82
`Chicago, n.:^	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
`Chicken Little only has to be right once.
`Chicken Little was right.
`Chicken Soup, n.:^	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,^cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure^is neurotic dependence on one's mother.^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every^effort to teach them good manners.
`Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're^going to catch you in next.^ `  Franklin P. Jones
`Children aren't happy without something to ignore,^And that's what parents were created for.^ `  Ogden Nash
`Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for^word what you shouldn't have said.
`Chism's Law of Completion:^	The amount of time required to complete a government project is^precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
`Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:^	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
`Chivalry, Schmivalry!^	Roger the thief has a^	method he uses for^	sneaky attacks:^Folks who are reading are^	Characteristically^	Always Forgetting to^	Guard their own bac ...
`Christ:^	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
`Churchill's Commentary on Man:^	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the^time he will pick himself up and continue on.
`Cigarette, n.:^	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in^between.
`Cinemuck, n.:^	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which^covers the floors of movie theaters.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Clairvoyant, n.:^	A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that^which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like^shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.^ `  Phyllis Diller
`Cleanliness is next to impossible.
`Cleveland still lives.  God must be dead.
`"Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day."
`Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
`Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on^society.^ `  Mark Twain
`COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
`Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
`Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --^"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."^ `  Blair Houghton
`Coincidence, n.: ^	You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was^going on.
`Coincidences are spiritual puns.^ `  G. K. Chesterton
`Cold, adj.:^	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
`Cold, adj.:^	When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own^pockets.
`Collaboration, n.:^	A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the^other fellow can spell.
`College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the^faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if^the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,^legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the^loss to humanity.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`Colvard's Logical Premises:^	All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it^	won't.^^Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:^	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're^	attracted to.^^Grelb's Commentary^	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
`Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,^And every vector dreams of matrices.^Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:^It whispers of a more ergodic zone.^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,^Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,^Their indices bedecked from one to n,^Commingled in an endless Markov chain!^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`Command, n.:^	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in^such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
`	COMMENT^^Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,^A medley of extemporanea;^And love is thing that can never go wrong;^And I am Marie of Roumania.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`Commitment, n.:^	Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.^The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
`Committee Rules:^	(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.^	(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this^	    stamps you as being wise.^	(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the^	    others.^	(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.^	(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you^	    popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
`Committee, n.:^	A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group^decide that nothing can be done.^ `  Fred Allen
`Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to^be appointed to do the work.
`Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at^different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.^ `  Clive James
`Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.^ `  Josh Billings
`Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.^ `  Albert Einstein
`Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness^of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."^ `  David Guaspari
`Computer programmers do it byte by byte
`Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems^theory.
`Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
`Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.^ `  Pablo Picasso
`Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in^the world that just don't add up.
`Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more^than the estimate the job will cost.
`Conceit causes more conversation than wit.^ `  LaRouchefoucauld
`Concept, n.:^	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than^$25,000.
`... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *did* quote anybody in this^business, it probably would be gibberish.^ `  Thom McLeod
`Condense soup, not books!
`Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is^good for dandruff.^ `  Peter de Vries
`Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the^situation.
`Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that^would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that^you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer^maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS^OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY^UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED^IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD^WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND^SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,^RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,^RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE^FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?^ `  Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
`Connector Conspiracy, n:^	[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the^KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of^manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)^to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old^stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive^interface devices.
`Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking^ `  H. L. Mencken
`Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
`Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you^wish you weren't.
`"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."^ `  "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
`Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then^give it back to them.
`"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and^if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"^ `  Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
`"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern^technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
`Conversation, n.:^	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath^is called the listener.
`Conway's Law:^	In any organization there will always be one person who knows^	what is going on.^^	This person must be fired.
`Coronation, n.:^	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and^visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite^bomb.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Corrupt, adj.:^	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
`Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a^muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can^make of capitalism.^ `  Walter Lippmann
`Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job^is to enforce the law and fight crime.^ `  P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
`Court, n.:^	A place where they dispense with justice.^ `  Arthur Train
`Coward, n.:^	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with^nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.^ `  Wernher von Braun
`Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.^ `  A. E. Newman
`Critic, n.:^	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries^to please him.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Croll's Query:^	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
`cursor address, n:^	"Hello, cursor!"^ `  Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
`"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It^eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the^business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."^ `  Johnny Hart
`"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It^eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the^business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."^ `  Johnny Hart
`Cynic, n.:^	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not^as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking^out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Cynic, n.:^	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced^eye.
`Dare to be naive.^ `  R. Buckminster Fuller
`Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
`Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."^Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is."
`Dawn, n.:^	The time when men of reason go to bed.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
`
`DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory^VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
`Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.  Success is also^easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to^improve.
`Dear Lord:^	I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On^the other hand", again.
`Dear Miss Manners:^	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's^elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between^courses, is all right.  Which is correct?^^Gentle Reader:^	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home^economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this^principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now^than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners^believes that is.
`Dear Miss Manners:^	Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from^your face.^^Gentle Reader:^	Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on^your face ...
`Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part^of this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old^will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a^commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as^"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a^table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always^says: "Part of this complete breakfast".  Don't that really mean,^"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this^complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make essentially the same claim^if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a^dead bat?^^Answer: Yes.^ `  Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
`Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?^^Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business^signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a^word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR^ANY ITEM'S.  Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when^creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put^quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT^DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.^ `  Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
`Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
`Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.^ `  R. Geis
`Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
`"Death is nature's way of saying 'Howdy'".
`Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
`Death is only a state of mind.^^Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
`Death to all fanatics!
`Decision maker, n.:^	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force^before the music stopped.
`Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really^overwhelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene^language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the^judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when^addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).^ `  Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing^		   Assoc.
`	Deck Us All With Boston Charlie^^Deck us all with Boston Charlie,^Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!^Nora's freezin' on the trolley,^Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!^^Don't we know archaic barrel,^Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.^Trolley Molly don't love Harold,^Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!^ `  Walt Kelly
`"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of^marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a^theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,^those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly^blessed.^ `  Randy Davis
`default, n.:^	[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,^mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will^come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.^ `  Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
`#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)^#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\^			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\^			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))^^ `  really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
`			DELETE A FORTUNE!^^Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like^to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to^"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it^gets expunged.
`Deliberation, n.:^	The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is^buttered on.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
`Demand the establishment of the government^in its rightful home at Disneyland.
`Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than^we deserve.^ `  George Bernard Shaw
`Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder^aloud what the country could do under first-class management.^ `  Senator Soaper
`Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the^incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.^ `  G. B. Shaw
`Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you^don't think.
`Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by^Jackasses.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.^ `  Jawaharlal Nehru
`Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people^are right more than half of the time.^ `  E. B. White
`Democracy, n.:^	A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass^meeting or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.^Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.^Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,^whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,^prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.^Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.^ `  U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),^		   since withdrawn.
`Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the^board.  Especially with  those 14 year-old Valley girls.
`Dentist, n.:^	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls^coins out of one's pockets.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Despising machines to a man,^The Luddites joined up with the Klan,^	And ride out by night^	In a sheeting of white^To lynch all the robots they can.^ `  C. M. and G. A. Maxson
`Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will^be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over^the table.^ `  The Anarchist Cookbook
`		DETERIORATA^^Go placidly amid the noise and waste,^And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.^Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.^Rotate your tires.^Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,^And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.^Know what to kiss -- and when.^Remember that two wrongs never make a right,^But that three do.^Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".^Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,^And despite the changing fortunes of time,^There is always a big future in computer maintenance.^^	You are a fluke of the universe ...^	You have no right to be here.^	Whether you can hear it or not, the universe^	Is laughing behind your back.^ `  National Lampoon
`DeVries's Dilemma:^	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want^hits the paper.
`Did I say 2?  I lied.
`Did you know ...^^That no-one ever reads these things?
`Did you know that clones never use mirrors?^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined^them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
`Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot^that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:^^	"Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and^	squirrel."^^ `  ihuxw!tommyo
`Die, v.:^	To stop sinning suddenly.^ `  Elbert Hubbard
`"Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a^conventional thing to happen to him."^ `  John Barrymore's dying words
`Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
`Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.^Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
`Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
`Disc space -- the final frontier!
`Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be^yours too."^ `  Dave Haynie
`Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my^employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely^coincidental.  Any resemblance between the above and my own views is^non-deterministic.  The question of the existence of views in the^absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.^The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for^the second god coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal,^non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
`Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
`Distinctive, adj.:^	A different color or shape than our competitors.
`Distress, n.:^	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape^injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any^damage inflicted on the vehicle.
`Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
`Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
`Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
`Do not drink coffee in early a.m.  It will keep you awake until noon.
`Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to^anger.
`"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good^with ketchup."
`Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.^Violators will be prosecuted.^(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
`Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
`Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each^day as it comes.^ `  Donald Kaul
`Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
`Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
`Do you have lysdexia?
`Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take^the time to take the dirt out of them?
`"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"^"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"^"I've never done anything illegal before."^"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
`Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and^when it is bad, it is better than nothing.^ `  Dick Brandon
`Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must^be good because the programmers hate it so much.
`Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
`Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
`Don't be humble ... you're not that great.^ `  Golda Meir
`Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
`Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!^ `  Joe Cointment
`"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,^sincerely, extremely dangerously.^^They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.^They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They^used intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used^finks.  They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used^fallaron.  They used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.^They used the bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.^They used treachery.  They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.^They used applied physics.  They used techniques of criminology.  And^what the hell, they caught him.^^ `  Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the^		   Tick-Tock Man"
`Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
`Don't feed the bats tonight.
`Don't get even -- get odd!
`Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly^misleading.  Debug only code.^ `  Dave Storer
`"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes^you nothing.  It was here first."^ `  Mark Twain
`Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
`Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
`Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
`Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
`Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
`Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking^distance.
`Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
`Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
`Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy^it today you can do it again tomorrow.
`"Don't say yes until I finish talking."^ `  Darryl F. Zanuck
`Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.^Cheat.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!^ `  "Brazil"
`Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.^ `  Walt Kelly
`Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
`Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
`"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to^get more wax!!"
`Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts^avoiding you.^ `  The Old Farmer's Almanac
`"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any^good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."^ `  Howard Aiken
`Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already^tomorrow in Australia.^ `  Charles Schultz
`Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too^busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
`Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
`Don:    I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!  Was she^	pretty?^W. C.:  Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of^	bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to^	sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.^Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.^W. C.:	It's almost impossible.^ `  W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson^		   E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
`		Double Bucky^	(Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")	^^Double bucky, you're the one!^You make my keyboard lots of fun^	Double bucky, an additional bit or two:^(Vo-vo-de-o!)^Control and Meta side by side,^Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!^	Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!^^Double bucky, left and right^OR'd together, outta sight!^	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of^	Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of^	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!^^ `  (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
`Double-Blind Experiment, n.:^	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is^fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a^belief in the tooth fairy.
`Down with categorical imperative!
`"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
`Drew's Law of Highway Biology:^	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front^of your eyes.
`Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
`Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
`Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic^route!
`Ducharme's Axiom:^	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize^yourself as part of the problem.
`Ducharme's Precept:^	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
`Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and^it holds the universe together ...^ `  Carl Zwanzig
`Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders^has been discontinued.
`Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate^and captain of your soul.
`Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been^discontinued.
`	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen^were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a^red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,^"Hey, you almost hit my wife."^	"Did I?"  cried the hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a^shot at mine, over there."
`During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several^times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
`"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to have^nothing whatever to do with it."^ `  W. Somerset Maugham
`E Pluribus Unix
`Eagleson's Law:^	Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more^months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson is^an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
`Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
`/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
`Earth is a beta site.
`"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."^ `  Jeff Berner
`Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:^	Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the^cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of^the plastic underneath -- black.  According to the instructions, this^means the puzzle is solved.^ `  Steve Rubenstein
` Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
`"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
`Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.^ `  John Kenneth Galbraith
`Economics, n.:^	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.^Galbraith ...^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy^would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it^hasn't.^ `  Robert Orben
`Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a^percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.^ `  Edgar R. Fiedler
`Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.^ `  Fred Allen
`Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.^ `  Irsin Edman
`Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!^ `  Bullwinkle Moose
`Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.^ `  Adlai Stevenson
`Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many^people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable^comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where^the "nog" comes from.^^To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in^season, eggs...
`Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain^of being a damned fool.^ `  Bellamy Brooks
`Egotist, n.:^	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Ehrman's Commentary:^	(1) Things will get worse before they get better.^	(2) Who said things would get better?
`Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.^ `  Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
`Eleanor Rigby^	Sits at the keyboard^	And waits for a line on the screen^Lives in a dream^Waits for a signal^	Finding some code^	That will make the machine do some more.^What is it for?^^All the lonely users, where do they all come from?^All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
`Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
`	Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,^called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you^have been drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in^most American homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the^time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could^have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,^although God alone knows why it would want to.^	The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,^direct current, lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes^have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one^direction for a while, then goes in the other direction.  This prevents^harmful electron buildup in the wires.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`Electrocution, n.:^	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
`Elevators smell different to midgets
`Emersons' Law of Contrariness:^	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we^can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
`Encyclopedia Salesmen:^	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police^and tell them your house is being burgled.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.^Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.^ `  Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
`Entropy isn't what it used to be.
`Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which^otherwise require harder thinking.^ `  Jerome Lettvin
`Epperson's law:^	When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably^something his wife can beat him at.
`Equal bytes for women.
`Error in operator: add beer
`Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven^	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;^Und aller-mumsige Burggoven^	Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.^ `  Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
`Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.^ `  Woody Allen
`Etymology, n.:^	Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that^were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed^from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"^("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."^ `  Mike Kellen
`Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to^speak it to?^ `  Clarence Darrow
`"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit^there."^ `  Will Rogers
`"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."^ `  Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
`Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United^States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a^day.
`Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you^just how busy they are.
`Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,^exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called "wise men."^All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with^spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:^Would you please take my wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please^take her right now.  No How about:  Would you like to take something?^My wife is available.  No.  How about ..."^ `  Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
`Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
`Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
`Every four seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this^woman and stop her.
`"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one^idiot.  Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's^sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all^of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two^highly-motivated, caustic twits."^ `  Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
`Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired^signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not^fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not^spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the^genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way^of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is^humanity hanging on a cross of iron.^ `  Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
`Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):^^Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in^front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an^odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even^and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of^legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,^there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse^of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same^color"], that does not exist.
`Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.^ `  Frank Moore Colby
`Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
`Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.^ `  Don Vonada
`"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."
`Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.^ `  Miguel de Cervantes
`"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the^richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work"^ `  Robert Orben
`Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.^^It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
`Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one^instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every^program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
`Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and^another for which it wasn't.
`Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
`Every solution breeds new problems.
`Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no^guarantee of eventual success.
`"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
`Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.^ `  Beckett
`Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.^ `  Dykstra
`Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
`Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be^taught how not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
`Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to^realize it.
`Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic^formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the^scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact^wholly unconcerned with what does exist.  Indeed, the banality of^existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to^discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the^problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the^mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,^one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely^different way ...^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
`Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,^no one we know belongs.
`Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being^that a belch is more satisfying.^ `  Ingmar Bergman
`Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
`Everything you know is wrong!
`Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less^obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no^solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.^There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no^straight lines.^ `  R. Buckminster Fuller
`	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping^mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as^"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you^how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",^"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night^So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.^ `  Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
`Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
`Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
`Excellent day to have a rotten day.
`Excellent time to become a missing person.
`Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from^acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.^ `  W. Somerset Maugham
`Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
`Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do^the work.^ `  John G. Pollard
`Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
`Expense Accounts, n.:^	Corporate food stamps.
`Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.^ `  Olivier
`Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake^when you make it again.^ `  F. P. Jones
`Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and^the instruction afterward.
`Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old^ones.
`Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
`Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
`Expert, n.:^	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
`Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:^^		NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE^^To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully^cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand^corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and^address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --^to a 3x5 inch index card.  (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower^left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card^below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your^computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL^SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.)  (e) Finally place 3x5 card^(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the^Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be^disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595.  Print^this address correctly.  Comply with above instructions carefully and^completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
`F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
`f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
`f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
`F:	When into a room I plunge, I^	Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.^	Then I linger, darkly brooding^	On the poison they're exuding.^ `  The Roguelet's ABC
`Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
`Fairy Tale, n.:^	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
`Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic^without looking to see whether the seeds move.
`Faith, n:^	That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be^untrue.
`Fakir, n:^	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost^religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to^have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
`Familiarity breeds attempt
`Families, when a child is born^Want it to be intelligent.^I, through intelligence,^Having wrecked my whole life,^Only hope the baby will prove^Ignorant and stupid.^Then he will crown a tranquil life^By becoming a Cabinet Minister^ `  Su Tung-p'o
`Famous last words:
`Famous last words:^	(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."^	(2) "You and what army?"^	(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be^	     a cop."
`Famous last words:^	(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.^	(2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.^	(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--^	(4) We won't need reservations.^	(5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.^	(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.^	(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
`Famous, adj.:^	Conspicuously miserable.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the^Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.^Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an^utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life^forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches^are a pretty neat idea ...^ `  Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
`Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it^every six months.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`Fats Loves Madelyn
`Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
`Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,^neither will you.
`	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each^other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around^the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors^d'oeuvres.^	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes^to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your^Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright^piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.^	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with^inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down^other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and^placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when^the little hammers strike.^	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over^their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning^Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.^^	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless^you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level^4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
`Fifth Law of Applied Terror:^	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.^^Corollary:^	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you^live.
`Fifth Law of Procrastination:^	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that^there is nothing important to do.
`Fifty flippant frogs^Walked by on flippered feet^And with their slime they made the time^Unnaturally fleet.
`	FIGHTING WORDS^^Say my love is easy had,^	Say I'm bitten raw with pride,^Say I am too often sad --^	Still behold me at your side.^^Say I'm neither brave nor young,^	Say I woo and coddle care,^Say the devil touched my tongue --^	Still you have my heart to wear.^^But say my verses do not scan,^	And I get me another man!^ `  Dorothy Parker
`Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North^Carolina.
`Finagle's Creed:^	Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
`Finagle's First Law:^	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
`Finagle's fourth Law:^	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes^it worse.
`Finagle's Second Law:^	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be^someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it^happened according to his own pet theory.
`Finagle's Third Law:^	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,^	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake^^Corollaries:^	(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.^	(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really^	    don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
`Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture^on a rock.^ `  New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
`Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
`Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
`Fine's Corollary:^	Functionality breeds Contempt.
`Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:^^	"Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."^^Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:^^	P.O. Box 35^	Baffled Greek, Michigan
`First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:^	Machines that piss people off get murdered.^ `  Pat Taber
`First Law of Bicycling:^	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the^wind.
`First Law of Procrastination:^	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility^for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed^the deadline).
`First Law of Socio-Genetics:^	Celibacy is not hereditary.
`First Rule of History:^	History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each^other.
`"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"^ `  The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
`First, a few words about tools.^^Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of^the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously^injure yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If^you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look^particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for^granted.  If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.^ `  Robert Firth
`Flappity, floppity, flip^The mouse on the mobius strip;^	The strip revolved,^	The mouse dissolved^In a chronodimensional skip.
`FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when^the little hand is on the ....
`Flon's Law:^	There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is^the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
`Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her^husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my^joules!"^^"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux^a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."^^"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them^in my burette ... We must call a copper."^^Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,^said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name^of Lawrence Ium.^^"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and^dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can^catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an^activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...^ `  Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
`flowchart, n. & v.:^	[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart^"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]^1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction^problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation^using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.  2. n. Neronic^doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for^wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  "A^thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's^Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.  5. v.intrans. To produce^flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate^(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.^ `  Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
`Flugg's Law:^	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the^world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
`Flying saucers on occasion^	Show themselves to human eyes.^Aliens fume, put off invasion^	While they brand these tales as lies.
`Fog Lamps, n.:^	Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the^fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the^driver's brain is in a fog.^^See also "Idiot Lights".
`Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.^ `  Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
`For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
`For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
`For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a^cat.
`"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
`For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be^always old-fashioned.
`For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,^and wrong.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.^ `  R. Clopton
`	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence^of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."^^	"Whose?"^^	"MINE! HA-HA!"
`For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
`For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire^life to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days^now.  He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets^when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch^in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have^the strength to object.  He has been foraging for his own food, which^means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are^advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are^the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their^names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot^("part of this complete breakfast").^ `  Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
`For perfect happiness, remember two things:^	(1) Be content with what you've got.^	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
`For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say^"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.^ `  Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to^		   the U.S.
`For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
`"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of^a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with^computers altogether?"^ `  Jehan Shuman
`For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they^like.^ `  Abraham Lincoln
`"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but^phone calls taper off."^ `  Johnny Carson
`For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --^I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.^But now I think a thought that brings me hope:^Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.^ `  Justin Richardson.
`For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
`Forgetfulness, n.:^	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their^destitution of conscience.
`Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
`FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS!	#6^^RAZORBACK:			Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.^	One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and^	arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating^	hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
`fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:^^	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.^	"Hey you, get off my plate"^ `  Roger Midnight
`Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:^	"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
`Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):^^		Don't Write On Walls!^^		   (and underneath)^^		You want I should type?
`Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):^	No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this^State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed^with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females^weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it^apply to female horses.
`Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful^Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an^impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and^clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following^exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.^^DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are^	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.^HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?^DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter^	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out^	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large^	 amounts of fertilization ...^HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many^	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
`Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:^^	Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
`FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14^^Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good^liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and^light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything^drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:^^Q:  Are you married?^A:  No, I'm divorced.^Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?^A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:^^Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?^A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:^^THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present^	   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have^	   any ...
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:^^Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?^A:  I will be three months November 8th.^Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?^A:  Yes.^Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:^^Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?^A:  No.^Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?^A:  Picking them up in the air.^Q:  Where was the dog at this time?^A:  Attached to the ears.
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:^^Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were^    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to^    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with^    him to the station?^MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:^^Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?^A:  By death.^Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:^^Q:  What is your name?^A:  Ernestine McDowell.^Q:  And what is your marital status?^A:  Fair.
`Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:^^Q:  What happened then?^A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify^    me."^Q:  Did he kill you?^A:  No.
`fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
`Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri^sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.^^Oh, and have a nice day!^ `  Bryce Nesbitt '84
`Fourth Law of Applied Terror:^	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology^instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.^^Corollary:^	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do^except study for that instructor's course.
`Fourth Law of Revision:^	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about^interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
`Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:  If the probability of success is not^almost one, it is damn near zero.^ `  David Ellis
`Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a^policeman's tie.
`Fresco's Discovery:^	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
`Friends, Romans, Hipsters,^Let me clue you in;^I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.^The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;^The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus^Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;^If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,^And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.^Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;^So are they all, all cool cats, --^Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
`Frisbeetarianism, n.:^	The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and^gets stuck.
`Frobnicate, v.:^	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.^Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a^frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK^sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless^manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse^search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is^turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it^he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the^screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because^turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
`Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:^	An unspecified physical object, a widget.  Also refers to^electronic black boxes.  This rare form is usually abbreviated to^FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB.  Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and^FROBNODULE.  Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.^FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure^via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon).  These can also be^applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
`[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology^Association, in Rome]:^^The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria^and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not^spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,^or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in^millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have^reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology^engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,^president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social^schizophrenia in mass genocide.
`From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:^^Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and^the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the^Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his^candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground^nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,^other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not^qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their^being nuts (unground)."
`From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was^convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.^ `  Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
`[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made^in Japan]:^^The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT^MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is^featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality^against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",^"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00^Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile^operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.^^And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help^achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by^HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
`From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the^instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new^experience in sound:^^	5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading^	    sound is normal for this type of connector.
`From too much love of living,^From hope and fear set free,^We thank with brief thanksgiving,^Whatever gods may be,^That no life lives forever,^That dead men rise up never,^That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.^ `  Swinburne
`Fuch's Warning:^	If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well^enough to travel.
`Fudd's First Law of Opposition:^	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
`Furbling, v.:^	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank^even when you are the only person in line.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.^ `  H. H. Williams
`Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
`G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One^of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his^secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says^'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And^that's your chance, my boy."
`Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
`Garter, n.:^	An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her^stockings and desolating the country.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall^on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!^ `  Adventures of Asterix.
`Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".^^	Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound^than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:^	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."^Obvious, isn't it?^	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start^speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as^long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all^your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and^so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed^individuals and then grow ...^	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those^signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when^everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on^the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs^backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I^think not, my friend, I think not.^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an^extracurricular activity except you."^	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"^	"Only to ten, Mudhead."^^	 `  Firesign Theater
`"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
`GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)^	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you^because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much^for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for^committing incest.
`GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)^	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while^you can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise^and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short^trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
`Genderplex, n.:^	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to^determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and^tortoises).^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why^you should.
`Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus^handicapped.^ `  Elbert Hubbard
`Genius, n.:^	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with^"bright".
`George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.^ `  Chicago Reader 10/15/82
`George Orwell was an optimist.
`George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to^have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.^ `  Ashley Cooper
`Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:^	(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong^	    direction.^	(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.^	(3) The energy required to change either one of these states^	    will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so^	    much as to make the task totally impossible.
`Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
`			Get GUMMed^			--- ------^The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April^1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above^the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep^each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered^chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek^nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three^days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two^seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-^friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is^Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis^"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You^Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because^all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we^could tell them.^ `  Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
`Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
`			-- Gifts for Children --^^This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,^because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months^and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-^morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children^exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If^your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You^Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it^might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe^me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child^who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.^ `  Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
`			-- Gifts for Men --^^Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional^ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you^should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the^clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For^example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only^three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,^that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh^at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").^So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several^years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will^pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.^^If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More^than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set^of tires.^ `  Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
`		Gimmie That Old Time Religion^We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,^Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,^I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,^And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!^	(chorus)				(chorus)^^In the church of Aphrodite,^The priestess wears a see-through nightie,^She's a mighty righteous sightie,^And she's good enough for me!^	(chorus)^^CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,^	Give me that old time religion,^	Give me that old time religion,^	'Cause it's good enough for me!
`Ginsberg's Theorem:^	(1) You can't win.^	(2) You can't break even.^	(3) You can't even quit the game.^^Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:^	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem^	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's^	Theorem.  To wit:^^	(1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.^	(2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break^	    even.^	(3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the^	    game.
`Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place^to stand, and I will drain the world.
`"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."^ `  Napolean
`Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
`Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to^a new town.
`Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
`"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying^around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest."^ `  Eric Clapton
`Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:^Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP^machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:^	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the^probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some^useful work done.
`Gnagloot, n.:^	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to^impress people.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
`Go climb a gravity well!
`Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may^be in owning a piece thereof.^ `  National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
`//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
`God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six^days and then pulled an all-nighter.
`God doesn't play dice.^ `  Albert Einstein
`"God gives burdens; also shoulders"^^Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the^end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I^can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why^would he lie about a thing like that?^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...^The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do^not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman^... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on^smoking and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and^water is not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in^the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at^night!^ `  Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
`God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
`God is a polythiest
`God is Dead^		-- Nietzsche^Nietzsche is Dead^		-- God^Nietzsche is God^ `  The Dead
`God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
`God is real, unless declared integer.
`God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the^elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying^other things.^ `  Pablo Picasso
`God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.^ `  Alfred Jarry
`God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
`God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
`God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board^ `  Mark Twain
`God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.^ `  Kronecker
`God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
`God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.^ `  Albert Einstein
`God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
`God rest ye CS students now,^Let nothing you dismay.^The VAX is down and won't be up,^Until the first of May.^The program that was due this morn,^Won't be postponed, they say.^^	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,^	Comfort and joy,^	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.^^The bearings on the drum are gone,^The disk is wobbling, too.^We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol^Can't tell false from true.^And now we find that we can't get^At Berkeley's 4.2.^^	(chorus)
`Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to^school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a^person a car.
`Gold, n.:^	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It^is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who^immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold^hasn't done anything to them.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`Goldenstern's Rules:^	(1) Always hire a rich attorney^	(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
`Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad^example.^ `  La Rouchefoucauld
`Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
`Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
`Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
`Good day to let down old friends who need help.
`Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
`Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
`Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
`Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's^new lover.
`"Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored."^ `  George Saunders' dying words
`Gordon's first law:^	If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing^well.
`"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward.  That's the trouble with time^travel, you never can tell."^ `  Dr. Who
`Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with^time travel, you never can tell."^ `  Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
`Got Mole problems?^Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10`^23
`Goto, n.:^	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers^to complain about unstructured programmers.^ `  Ray Simard
`Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.^ `  John Updike, "Couples"
`Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are^different lies.
`Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know^any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he^doesn't know much.^ `  Will Rogers
`Grabel's Law:^	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
`Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
`Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
`Grandpa Charnock's Law:^	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
`Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
`Gray's Law of Programming:^	'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same^time as 'n' tasks.^^Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:^	'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
`Great minds run in great circles.
`	GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917^^On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-^Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them^off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I^wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his^mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a^tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men^stood lookout.
`Green light in a.m. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic^tickets.
`Greener's Law:^	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
`Grelb's Reminder:^	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above^average drivers.
`"Grub first, then ethics."^ `  Bertolt Brecht
`Gurmlish, n.:^	The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which^prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his^mouth.^ `  Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
`Gyroscope, n.:^	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also^free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each^other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two^mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the^other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus^offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any^torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.^ `  Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
`H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.^Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.^ `  Maxwell Bodenheim
`H. L. Mencken's Law:^	Those who can -- do.^	Those who can't -- teach.^^Martin's Extension:^	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
`H:	If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,^	Slice him up before he slays you.^	Nothing makes you look a slob^	Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).^ `  The Roguelet's ABC
`Hacker's Law:^	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a^nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
`Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
`... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,^and you would not have been informed.
`Hail to the sun god^He sure is a fun god^Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
`Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big^enough majority in any town?^ `  Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
`Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
`Half-done:^	This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still^crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference^between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like^the difference between life and death.^	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill^there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the^airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough^Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on^Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk^about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the^man, "Let me have a nice half-done."^	Worth the trouble, wasn't it?^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`Hall's Laws of Politics:^	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.^	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something^	    fixed.^	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend^	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in^	    their own districts).
`Hand, n.:^	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and^commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Hanlon's Razor:^	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by^stupidity.
`Hanson's Treatment of Time:^	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days^before Saturday.
`Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.^ `  Ogden Nash
`Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.^ `  Oscar Levant
`Happiness, n.:^	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of^another.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
`Hardware, n.:^	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
`Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand^convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.^ `  Tobias Smollet
`Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark^The Duke is fond of kittens^He likes to take their insides out^And use them for his mittens^	From "The Thirteen Clocks"
`Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,^Advertising wondrous things.^ `  Tom Lehrer
`Harris's Lament:^	All the good ones are taken.
`Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:^	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment^ruined.
`Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he^makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean^famous for its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses^probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you^have never met any wild horses in person.  In person, they are like^enormous hooved rats.  They amble up to your camp site, and their^attitude is: "We're wild horses.  We're going to eat your food, knock^down your tent and poop on your shoes.  We're protected by federal law,^just like Richard Nixon."^ `  Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
`Hartley's First Law:^	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float^on his back, you've got something.
`Hartley's Second Law:^	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
`Harvard Law:^	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,^temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will^do as it damn well pleases.
`"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"^"Yes, I don't have one."^"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."^ `  E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
`Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are^typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter^keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use^of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is^not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
`		        Has your family tried 'em?^^			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS^^		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!^^	   They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the^	   strength to get up and do what needs to be done.^^			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS^^	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the^	biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains^			 that indicate freshness.
`Hatred, n.:^	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's^superiority.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Have an adequate day.
`Have an adequate day.
`Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is^to defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a^non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?^^Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This^still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or^only serves to blunt the warning signs.^^		Long live the revolution!^		Have a nice day.
`Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell^you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time^for play?
`Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs,^I mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container^filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite^sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in^their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or^mass murderers.  They don't give a damn about anything , which is why^they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`"Have you lived here all your life?"^"Oh, twice that long."
`Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a^crack in your sidewalk?
`Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline^sharply the minute they start waving guns around?^ `  Dr. Who
`Have you reconsidered a computer career?
`"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental^effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable^perversion."^ `  Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
`"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
`He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation^perfectly delightful.^ `  Sydney Smith
`He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and^heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope^of ever behaving "normally."^ `  Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
`He hadn't a single redeeming vice.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."^ `  Mark Twain
`He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
`He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.^ `  John Mason Brown, drama critic
`He thought he saw an albatross^That fluttered 'round the lamp.^He looked again and saw it was^A penny postage stamp.^"You'd best be getting home," he said,^"The nights are rather damp."
`He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.^ `  Jonathon Swift
`"He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him^insufferable."
`"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both^eyes ..."
`He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry^attacks democracy itself.^ `  William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
`He who Laughs, Lasts.
`"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
`He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be^there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
`"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
`HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.^SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.^ `  Walt Kelley
`Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
`Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying^of nothing.^ `  Redd Foxx
`Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying^of nothing.^ `  Redd Foxx
`Heaven, n.:^	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of^their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you^expound your own.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Heavy, adj.:^	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
`"Heisenberg may have slept here"
`Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.^ `  Milton Friedman
`Heller's Law:^	The first myth of management is that it exists.^^Johnson's Corollary:^	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the^organization.
`"Hello," he lied.^ `  Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
`Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
`Help fight continental drift.
`Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
`Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
`Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
`HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!^ `  E. E. CUMMINGS
`Her locks an ancient lady gave^Her loving husband's life to save;^And men -- they honored so the dame --^Upon some stars bestowed her name.^^But to our modern married fair,^Who'd give their lords to save their hair,^No stellar recognition's given.^There are not stars enough in heaven.
`"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from^Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
`Here I sit, broken-hearted,^All logged in, but work unstarted.^First net.this and net.that,^And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.^^The boss comes by, and I play the game,^Then I turn back to net.flame.^Is there a cure (I need your views),^For someone trapped in net.news?^^I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,^'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
`Here in my heart, I am Helen;^	I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.^I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;^	I'm Salome, moon of the East.^^Here in my soul I am Sappho;^	Lady Hamilton am I, as well.^In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,^	With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.^^I'm all of the glamorous ladies^	At whose beckoning history shook.^But you are a man, and see only my pan,^	So I stay at home with a book.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical^lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach^your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.^Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in^pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,^but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an^important electrical lesson.^^It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed^your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small^objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will^attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and^collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your^friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the^carpet, thus completing the circuit.^^Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without^touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your^finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you^have carpeting.^ `  Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
`	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the^month.  According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people^are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.^	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either^(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax^tadpole".^	Bite the wax tadpole.^	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?^	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's^hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to^bite a wax tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,^but broad satiric vistas do not open up.^ `  John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
`"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like^'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"^ `  Jay Leno
`Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,^then they'd be algorithms.
`"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"^ `  W. C. Fields
`Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person^reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,^nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
`"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.^As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of^equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.^Do you have a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you^probably have the makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of^course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my^experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out^of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.^^"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our^motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"^ `  Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
`Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;^Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.^Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,	Here lies a man with sundry flaws^Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.	And numerous Sins upon his head;^					We buried him today because^					As far as we can tell, he's dead.^ `  PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty^		   Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;^		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter^		   Schickele
`Higgeldy Piggeldy,^Hamlet of Elsinore^Ruffled the critics by^Dropping this bomb:^"Phooey on Freud and his^Psychoanalysis --^Oedipus, Shmoedipus,^I just love Mom."
`Hindsight is an exact science.
`Hippogriff, n.:^	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.^The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.^The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which^is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full^of surprises.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Hire the morally handicapped.
`"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had^money, he went to Southern California."
`"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"^ `  Foghorn Leghorn
`"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
`History is curious stuff^	You'd think by now we had enough^Yet the fact remains I fear^	They make more of it every year.
`History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
`History, n.:^	Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we^learn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from^what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long^view.^ `  Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
`Hlade's Law:^	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they^will find an easier way to do it.
`Hoare's Law of Large Problems:^	Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get^out.
`Hofstadter's Law:^	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take^Hofstadter's Law into account.
`Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.^ `  Rex Reed
`	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's^willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop^for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say^"shop for", as opposed to "obtain".  This is the major drawback of home^centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas^trees.  The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise^because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every^object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...^	Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the^broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has^a replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the^inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the^same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at^an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of^these sometime around the middle of next week".^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:^The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.^ `  Chris Shaw
`"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
`Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.^ `  F. M. Hubbard
`Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
`Honk if you love peace and quiet.
`Honorable, adj.:^	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative^bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the^honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Horngren's Observation:^	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
`Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on^people.^ `  W. C. Fields
`Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
`"Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed."^ `  Neil Armstrong
`How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
`How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
`How come wrong numbers are never busy?
`"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows."
`How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?^ `  Elliot, "E.T."
`How doth the little crocodile^	Improve his shining tail,^And pour the waters of the Nile^	On every golden scale!^^How cheerfully he seems to grin,^	How neatly spreads his claws,^And welcomes little fishes in,^	With gently smiling jaws!^ `  Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
`How doth the VAX's C compiler^Improve its object code.^And even as we speak does it^Increase the system load.^^How patiently it seems to run^And spit out error flags,^While users, with frustration, all^Tear their clothes to rags.
`How doth the VAX's C-compiler^Improve its object code.^And even as we speak does it^Increase the system load.^^How patiently it seems to run^And spit out error flags,^While users, with frustration, all^Tear all their clothes to rags.
`How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're^on.
`How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?^None: "We'll fix it in software."^^How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?^None: "We'll document it in the manual."^^How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?^None: "The user can work it out."
`"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being^carried by a waiter at a nice party?"^^Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors^d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell^what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then^say:  "This is cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it^back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another^cheese!" and so on.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

`	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are^3.155  x  10`^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,^who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a^nanocentury.^ `  Tom Duff, Bell Labs
`How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to^Dayton?^ `  Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
`How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
`How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
`HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:^	#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
`HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:^	#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
`HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:^^	#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of^	     you.
`Howe's Law:^	Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
`However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional^manner ... sulking and nausea.^ `  Tom K. Ryan
`HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill.,^motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate^amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.^The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the^Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the^bill.  The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on^the bill.  Agreed to.^ `  Albuquerque Journal
`	Hug O' War^^I will not play at tug o' war.^I'd rather play at hug o' war,^Where everyone hugs^Instead of tugs,^Where everyone giggles^And rolls on the rug,^Where everyone kisses,^And everyone grins,^And everyone cuddles,^And everyone wins.^ `  Shel Silverstein
`Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
`Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in^1929.  Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an^operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral^catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of^his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took^the confirmatory x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the^Nobel Prize.
`Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
`"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."^ `  William Gilbert
`Hurewitz's Memory Principle:^	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional^to ..... to ........ uh ..............
`I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a^professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any^other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.^		-- Richard M. Nixon^^What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?^ `  Richard M. Nixon
`"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder^have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.^This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's^reign.  My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go^by some more."^ `  timw@zeb.USWest.COM
`I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
`"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"^ `  Paul McCracken
`"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."^ `  Gloria Steinem
`I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.^ `  Dennis Ritchie
`"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."^ `  English Professor
`"I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the^great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."^ `  Winston Churchill
`"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone^has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."^ `  English Professor, Ohio University
`I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast^with an option to buy.
`"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
`"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,^of pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell^you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial^atomic globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something^inconceivable.  I can't help it.  I was born sneering."^ `  Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
`"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of^the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for^you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."^ `  Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,^		   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
`"I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an^argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and^steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect,^they don't even invite me."^ `  Dave Barry
`'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."^ `  G. K. Chesterton
`"I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat."^ `  Will Rogers
`"I bet the human brain is a kludge."^ `  Marvin Minsky
`I brake for chezlogs!
`I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.^ `  Biff Barf
`I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan^prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very^bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after^relentless day.^ `  Betty MacDonald
`I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
`"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and^25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be^true."^ `  Harry Truman
`"I can resist anything but temptation."
`"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."^ `  Joe Walsh
`"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."^ `  Florence Henderson
`I can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can^understand it.^ `  Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
`I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a^novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.^ `  Fred Allen
`"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."^ `  Lillian Hellman
`I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate^of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...^ `  F. H. Wales (1936)
`I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.^^What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good^grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause^of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the^United States would have lost World War II."^ `  Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
`	"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering^voice.^	"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of^course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which^I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in^Elven-lore:^^	"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,^	Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.^	Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,^	This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.^	The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.^	The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.^	If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.^	If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
`" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights^instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is^standing still ..."^ `  Steven Wright
`I could dance till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather^dance with the cows till you come home.^ `  Groucho Marx
`"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps^the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."^ `  Peter Oakley
`"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
`I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The^curtain was up.
`	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because^we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently^leads to violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,^in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had^time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the^library, we could call each other up:^^     You: Hello?  Bob?^     Bob: Yes?^     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you^          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?^     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?^     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:^	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.^	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill^	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto^	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to^	  have to get back to you.^     Bob: Fine.^ `  Dave Barry, "$#$%#`^%!`^%&@%@!"
`I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an^exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to^minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary^accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a^mind like mine to perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the^bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always^different.^ `  Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
`"I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them."^ `  Isaac Asimov
`"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us^with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."^ `  Galileo Galilei
`"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."^ `  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
`"I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians^don't believe in astrology."^ `  James R. F. Quirk
`I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just^a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more^numbers!!
`I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of^a frog jumping on my Breakfast.^ `  Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
`"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the^nominating"^ `  Boss Tweed
`"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."^ `  Ashleigh Brilliant
`"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of^people waiting to abuse me."^ `  Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
`I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.^ `  Elvis Presley
`"I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to."^ `  Elvis Presley
`	"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said^	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --^till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for^you!'"^	"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice^objected.^	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful^tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor^less."^	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean^so many different things."^	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--^that's all."^ `  Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
`"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd^eat it, and I just hate it."^ `  Clarence Darrow
`"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."^ `  Ronald Mabbitt
`I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the^streets and frighten the horses.^ `  Victor Hugo
`"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
`"I don't think so," said Rene Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.
`"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other^hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
`I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that^the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is^thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists^broadcast signals to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake.^Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off^their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...^ `  Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE^		   COMING!"
`I doubt, therefore I might be.
`"I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business^on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment^he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual^becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."^ `  George Bernard Shaw
`"I drink to make other people interesting."^ `  George Jean Nathan
`I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,^so I woke up from sheer boredom.
`I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the^accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For^the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that^can't be measured in monetary terms.^^Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have^that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by^subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should^someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly^understand his long delay.
`"I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words."
`"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very^reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."^ `  Gotama Buddha
`I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *horrifying* 20^minutes of my life!
`'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."^ `  Mae West
`I get up each morning, gather my wits.^	Pick up the paper, read the obits.^If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.^	So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
`I get up each morning, gather my wits.^Pick up the paper, read the obits.^If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.^So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.^^Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?^My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.^But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,^And think of the places my get-up has been.^ `  Pete Seeger
`"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler^Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"^ `  Mary Lou Bax
`"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
`"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means^it's going to be up all night."^ `  Steven Wright
`"I hate quotations."^ `  Ralph Waldo Emerson
`I have a simple philosophy:^^	Fill what's empty.^	Empty what's full.^	Scratch where it itches.^ `  A. R. Longworth
`"I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it^any time!"
`"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,^which would be called 'A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."^ `  Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
`I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth^and they never believe me.^ `  Camillo Di Cavour
`I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.^ `  Edgar Allan Poe
`"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.  You^sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an^eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I^have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of^beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below.  Westbrook Pegler, a^guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.  You can take that as more^of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."^ `  President Harry S Truman
`I have learned^To spell hors d'oeuvres^Which still grates on ^Some people's n'oeuvres.^ `  Warren Knox
`"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming^that I have never made one."^ `  James Gordon Bennett
`"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to^make it shorter."^ `  Blaise Pascal
`I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole^BODY!^ `  from "Cerebus" #82
`"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."^ `  Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
`"I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best."^ `  Oscar Wilde
`"I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it^scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.^ `  Steven Wright
`"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."^ `  Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
`"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking^his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell^beating up a child."^ `  Steven Wright
`I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked^at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.^ `  Poul Anderson
`"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
`"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
`I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
`"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."^ `  Bill Hoest
`I know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.
`"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World^War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."^ `  Albert Einstein
`"I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!^The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building."^ `  Charles Schulz
`"I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."^ `  Art Leo
`I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to^promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want^peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of^the way and let them have it.^ `  Dwight D. Eisenhower
`"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
`"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
`"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what^entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."^ `  Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
`"I love to eat them Smurfies^ Smurfies what I love to eat^ Bite they ugly heads off,^ Nibble on they bluish feet."
`"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but^don't let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the^speed of light."^ `  Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
`"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."^ `  Ashleigh Brilliant
`"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a^week sometimes to make it up."^ `  Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
`I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
`"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do^was to go away."
`"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
`I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.^ `  G. B. Shaw
`"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"^ `  Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
`"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the^kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled^substances being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no^restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we^made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given^powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative^nerve disease."^ `  Dave Barry, "The Snake"
`I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
`"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral^slob."^ `  William F. Buckley
`	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of^that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put^more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it^might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not^otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be^otherwise.'"^ `  Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
`I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that^the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional^congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile^so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the^plumber.^^But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such^as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of^the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never^win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually^write about, such as nose-picking.^ `  Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against^		   Political Fallout"
`I really hate this damned machine^I wish that they would sell it.^It never does quite what I want^But only what I tell it.
`"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
`I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope^they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.^ `  Will Rogers
`I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,^I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.^Bernoulli would have been content to die^Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(phi)!^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`I sent a letter to the fish,^I told them, "This is what I wish."^The little fishes of the sea,^They sent an answer back to me.^The little fishes' answer was^"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."^I sent a letter back to say^It would be better to obey.^But someone came to me and said^"The little fishes are in bed."^I said to him, and I said it plain^"Then you must wake them up again."^I said it very loud and clear,^I went and shouted in his ear.^But he was very stiff and proud,^He said "You needn't shout so loud."^And he was very proud and stiff,^He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."^I took a kettle from the shelf,^I went to wake them up myself.^But when I found the door was locked^I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,^And when I found the door was shut,^I tried to turn the handle, But ...^^	"Is that all?" asked Alice.^	"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."^ `  Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
`"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."^ `  Graffito in Los Angeles
`"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was^supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which^actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."^ `  Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning^		   Points in l'Amour"
`"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full^house and four people died."^ `  Steven Wright
`"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to^see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."^ `  Shirley Temple
`I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do^too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which^direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After^much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot^tub to face is up.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n >= 3^because I couldn't remember the proof."^ `  Baker, Pure Math 351a
`"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
`I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick^and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this^country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people^in this country are fed up with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly^not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.^ `  Monty Python
`I think that I shall never see^A billboard lovely as a tree.^Perhaps, unless the billboards fall^I'll never see a tree at all.^ `  Ogden Nash
`I think that I shall never see^A thing as lovely as a tree.^But as you see the trees have gone^They went this morning with the dawn.^A logging firm from out of town^Came and chopped the trees all down.^But I will trick those dirty skunks^And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
`"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple^to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.  You know, the^farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light^into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from^the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing^off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the^color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on^out, it's the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars^singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."^ `  Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
`I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown^... HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think^we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.^When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we^are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was^driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa^Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,^were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous^conversation ...^ `  Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
`"I thought you were trying to get into shape."^"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
`" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a^pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"^ `  Winston Churchill
`I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in^twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.^ `  Woody Allen
`I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
`"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
`"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
`"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my^body.  Then I realized who was telling me this."^ `  Emo Phillips
`I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere^near the place.^ `  Steven Wright
`I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to^animals.  I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for^anything connected with society except that which makes the roads^safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women^warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.^ `  Brendan Behan
`"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch 'St.^Elsewhere', won't scream, 'FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE^HAW"!!'"^ `  Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
`I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know^anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is^a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows^up.^ `  Will Rogers
`"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I^put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured^what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I^should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to^get off my driveway."^ `  Steven Wright
`"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I^didn't know."^ `  Mark Twain
`I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending^their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to^buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.^ `  Emile Henry Gauvreay
`"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full^house and four people died."^ `  Steven Wright
`"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything^specific".^ `  Steven Wright
`I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained^it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass^stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.^I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be^absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had^developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.^Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's^temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I^chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to^the point where it would not run at all.^ `  George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black^		   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
`"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any^questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the^speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?^^He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work^for him then.^ `  Steven Wright
`"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in^the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't^included."^ `  Steven Wright
`"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the^statues that are in all the other museums."^ `  Steven Wright
`I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that^it took seven others to beat him!
`"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.^There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work."^ `  Gallagher
`"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've^always worked for me."^ `  Hunter S. Thompson
`"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got^to undo it."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I^snore."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in^'Y.'"
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my^blender."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my^garage door."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from^Julian to Gregorian."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for^static cling."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my^cottage cheese sculpture."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma^transplant."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never^came back."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say^tuned."
`"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that^need worrying about."
`"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
`"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,^carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,^I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."^ `  Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
`I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd^listen to it!^ `  Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
`I'll grant thee random access to my heart,^Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;^And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove^And in our bound partition never part.^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.^That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."^ `  Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
`"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from^man."
`I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
`"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my^sister."
`I'm changing my name to Chrysler^I'm going down to Washington, D.C.^I'll tell some power broker^	What they did for Iacocca^Will be perfectly acceptable to me!^I'm changing my name to Chrysler,^I'm heading for that great receiving line.^When they hand a million grand out,^	I'll be standing with my hand out,^Yessir, I'll get mine!^ `  Tom Paxton
`I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
`"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
`"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to^die in."^ `  George McGovern
`I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.^ `  Fred Allen
`I'm going to live forever, or die trying!^ `  Spider Robinson
`... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a^KOSHER DELI!!
`"I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?"^ `  Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
`i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be^living apart.^ `  e. e. cummings
`I'm N-ary the tree, I am,^N-ary the tree, I am, I am.^I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,^She's traversed me seven times before.^And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)^Never wouldn't ever do a binary.  (No sir!)^I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.^N-ary the tree I am, I am,^N-ary the tree I am.
`"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.^It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
`"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday^life."
`I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is^-- I could be just as proud for half the money.^ `  Arthur Godfrey
`I'm rated PG-34!!
`"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again REAL^soon ..."
`"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it^(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."^ `  English Professor, Providence College
`I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,^I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;^In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,^I am the very model of a modern Major-General.^ `  Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
`"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's^lives"
`I've built a better model than the one at Data General^For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral^My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;^My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.^My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,^You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;^There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;^My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.^^I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:^There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,^Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral^I've built a better model than the one at Data General.^^ `  Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of^		   "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",^		   by Gilbert & Sullivan)
`I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
`I've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was^this little hole in the bottom ...^ `  John Croll
`I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
`I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.^ `  Groucho Marx
`I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes^on the same day.
`"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
`"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"^ `  Senator Claghorn
`I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;^And from that full meridian of my glory^I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,^Like a bright exhalation in the evening^And no man see me more.^ `  Shakespeare
`IBM had a PL/I,^	Its syntax worse than JOSS;^And everywhere this language went,^	It was a total loss.
`Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box^of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
`Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like^solitary confinement.
`Idiot Box, n.:^	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the^stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Idiot, n.:^	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human^affairs has always been dominant and controlling.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape^at about 30 miles/second.^ `  Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
`If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.^ `  Roy Santoro
`"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."^ `  Paul White
`If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus^forecast is a camel's behind.^ `  Edgar R. Fiedler
`If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z.  X is work.  Y^is play.  Z is keep your mouth shut.^ `  Albert Einstein
`If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1^passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.^ `  T. Cheatham
`If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four^hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where^it votes guilty.^ `  Joseph C. Goulden
`If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake^him up.
`If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
`If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have^dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to^maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it^must drop.  The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.^ `  Donald A. Metz
`"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good^attitude.  If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to^playing the game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win --^unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager^can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"^ `  Sparky Anderson
`If all be true that I do think,^There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;^Good friends, good wine, or being dry,^Or lest we should be by-and-by,^Or any other reason why.
`If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular^error.^ `  John Kenneth Galbraith
`If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot^platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave^that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
`If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.^ `  Paul Beatty
`If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a^conclusion.^ `  William Baumol
`If an S and an I and an O and a U^With an X at the end spell Su;^And an E and a Y and an E spell I,^Pray what is a speller to do?^Then, if also an S and an I and a G^And an HED spell side,^There's nothing much left for a speller to do^But to go commit siouxeyesighed.^ `  Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
`If anything can go wrong, it will.
`If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
`If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
`If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four^tellers?
`"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
`If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
`If everybody minded their own business, the world would go^around a deal faster.^ `  The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
`If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
`... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with^the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls^asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three^to a can.
`If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
`If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
`If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit^Ears.
`If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their^Heads.
`If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with^green, baggy skin.
`If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
`If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to^invent it.
`If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger^hands.
`If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
`If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
`"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."^ `  Yiddish saying
`If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?^ `  Marvin Kitman
`"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be^replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
`If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!^ `  Samuel Goldwyn
`If I don't drive around the park,^I'm pretty sure to make my mark.^If I'm in bed each night by ten,^I may get back my looks again.^If I abstain from fun and such,^I'll probably amount to much;^But I shall stay the way I am,^Because I do not give a damn.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
`If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the^plantation and go home.^ `  Eugene P. Gallagher
`If I had any humility I would be perfect.^ `  Ted Turner
`"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."^ `  Albert Einstein
`If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the^shoulders of giants.^		-- Isaac Newton^^In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side^with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.^		-- Gerald Holton^^If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing^on my shoulders.^		-- Hal Abelson^^In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.^ `  Brian K. Reid
`If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.^^On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is^also a psychological interaction.^^The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so^friendly.^^The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.^ `  Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
`If I traveled to the end of the rainbow^As Dame Fortune did intend,^Murphy would be there to tell me^The pot's at the other end.^ `  Bert Whitney
`If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
`If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
`If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.^They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun^of it.^ `  Thomas Carlyle
`"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they^forgot to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll^just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.^And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*^pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!^And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and^think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to^receive Net Mail ..."^  `  Leith (Casey) Leedom
`If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
`If little else, the brain is an educational toy.^ `  Tom Robbins
`If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women^you've got in the house.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by^the page number.
`If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
`"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think^little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and^Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."^ `  Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
`If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.^ `  A. Einstein.
`If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit^in my name at a Swiss bank.^ `  Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
`If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
`If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without^having to accomplish anything.
`If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,^he should see how bad it is with representation.
`If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of^arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the^physical world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker^entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.^ `  Vannevar Bush
`If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied^harder.^ `  Pope John Paul I
`"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."^ `  C. Durance, Computer Science 234
`If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would^presumably flunk it.^ `  Stanley Garn
`If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.^ `  Norm Schryer
`If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to^get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.^See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving^the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting^that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The^college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious^and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to^rally their jaded spirits.  I would have the studies elective.^Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure^interest in knowledge.  The wise instructor accomplishes this by^opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for^himself.  The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for^boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.^ `  Ralph Waldo Emerson
`"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for^me!"^ `  "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
`If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances^are 50-50 it will.
`If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If^the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the^bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will^exceed all expectations.^ `  Reverend Chichester
`If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
`If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that^will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
`If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?^ `  Art Hoppe
`If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make^something out of you.^ `  Muhammad Ali
`If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
`If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
`If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
`If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was^yesterday?
`If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is^doing the thinking.^ `  Lyndon Baines Johnson
`If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.^ `  Laurence J. Peter
`"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
`"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
`If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel^in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary^qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.^ `  Marguerite Emmons
`If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?^ `  Ann Edwards-Duff
`"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."^ `  J. Paul Getty
`If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
`If you can read this, you're too close.
`If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
`If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a^call.
`If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
`If you cannot convince them, confuse them.^ `  Harry S Truman
`If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
`If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
`If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.^ `  Clarence Day
`If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.^ `  Freeman Dyson
`"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little^Lavoris in the toilet."^ `  Jay Leno
`If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to^either of you for the rest of the day.
`"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to^have to get a toehold in the public eye."
`If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody^will.
`If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it^will always do it.^ `  Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
`"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is^make the rubble bounce"^ `  Winston Churchill
`If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
`If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
`"If you have to hate, hate gently"
`If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to^boot yourself in the posterior.^ `  A. J. Liebling
`If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
`If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.^ `  Graham Summer
`If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few^people die past the age of a hundred.^ `  George Burns
`If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you^really make them think they'll hate you.
`If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.^ `  Maslow
`If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure^can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly^develop.
`If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite^you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.^ `  Mark Twain
`If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,^you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get^ice, but no cup.
`If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But^this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is^somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
`If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're^the sucker.
`If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
`If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,^It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. ^	Or some joker who is slicker,^	Will trick you of your liquor,^If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
`If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.^ `  Derek Bok, president of Harvard
`If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens^tomorrow!
`If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car^payments.^ `  Earl Wilson
`If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.^ `  Arthur Kasspe
`If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest^shopping center in the world?^ `  Richard M. Nixon
`If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest^shopping center in the world?^ `  Richard Nixon
`If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would^be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call^you to say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw^another party next year.^^What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up^several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've^been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to^avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning^parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from^having another one ...^^If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless^your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas^through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure^that they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting^someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
`If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them^end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.^ `  "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
`"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."^ `  A. L.
`If you want divine justice, die.^ `  Nick Seldon
`If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people^he gave it to.^ `  Dorthy Parker
`If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the^Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's^statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington^telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with^titles beginning with the word "National".^ `  George Will
`If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every^word you say, talk in your sleep.
`"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some^memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,^even if they don't know what it means."^ `  Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
`If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
`If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for^tomorrow morning, sleep late.^ `  Henny Youngman
`If you're happy, you're successful.
`	If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs^around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace^explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The^"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and^deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the^better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random^with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives^you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a^successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.^	And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.^You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How^difficult can it be?"^	Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible,^which is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying^other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up^yourself for far less money.  This article can help you.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
`If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.^ `  Benjamin Disraeli
`If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
`"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round^it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the^universe?"
`If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.^ `  Ronald Reagan
`Ignisecond, n.:^	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car^door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux^	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,^Enm^imes sont les gougebosquex,^	Et le m^omerade horgrave.^ `  Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
`Iles's Law:^	There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly^at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.^Neither will Iles.
`Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the^land He's trying to ignore.
`Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.^ `  Jules de Gaultier
`"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the^usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody^thinks of complaining."^ `  Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
`Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has^a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk^storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on^voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.^What's the first question that the computer community asks?^^"Is it PC compatible?"
`Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.^ `  Jack Paar
`Immortality -- a fate worse than death.^ `  Edgar A. Shoaff
`Impartial, adj.:^	Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from^espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two^conflicting opinions.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the^mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the^Boss is reading it.
`Impossible, adj.:^	(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;^(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered.  Meaning (3) may^perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.^ `  Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
`In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of^stairs.
`In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled^waffles.
`In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't^get parts.
`In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The^creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
`In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred^syrup.
`In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only^we can't control when the five year period will begin.
`	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,^junior, what are you up to?"^	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the^rabbit.^	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"^	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."  They both go into the^rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied^expression on his face.^	Comes along a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"^	"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits^devour wolves."^	"Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"^	"Come with me and I'll show you."  As before, the rabbit comes^out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.^Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody^should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting^next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.^^The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --^it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
`In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"^Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.^ `  Frank Mankiewicz
`In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,^"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."^ `  Mark Twain
`In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground^with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call^this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
`In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so^sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All^those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the^devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up^as a human sperm, please raise your hands.  Thank you.^ `  Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
`In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one^of the risks he takes.^ `  Adlai Stevenson
`In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own^incompetency^ `  The Peter Principle
`In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)^are to be treated as variables.
`"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of^nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."^ `  Stuart Keate
`In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own^at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
`In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
`In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools^will be temporarily canceled.
`In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and^make it better.
`In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle^a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order^to get her attention.
`In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride^in any motor vehicle.
`"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."^ `  Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
`In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door^neighbor.
`In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
`In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last^resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but^inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our^programming languages.
`In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on^the sidewalks when a concert is on.
`In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come^into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish^between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which^will only make it mushy.^ `  Mark Twain
`In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your^pocket.
`In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any^pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while^either flying or waiting to board a plane.
`In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless^there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red^flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
`In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as^to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the^speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
`"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the^universe."^ `  Carl Sagan, Cosmos
`In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,^intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from^the cares of office.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds^and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
`In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying^of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public^view."
`In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space^Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.^Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,^We shall encounter, counting, face to face.^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that^is over six feet in length.
`In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
`In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
`In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a^moving automobile.
`[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ...  You^could strike sparks anywhere.  There was a fantastic universal sense^that whatever we were doing was 'right', that we were winning ...^^And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory^over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we^didn't need that.  Our energy would simply 'prevail'.  There was no^point in fighting -- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum;^we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....^^So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in^Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost^see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and^rolled back.^ `  Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
`In the beginning was the word.^But by the time the second word was added to it,^there was trouble.^For with it came syntax ...^ `  John Simon
`In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat^hacking at the PDP-6.  "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.  "I am^training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."  "Why is the^net wired randomly?", asked Minsky.  "I do not want it to have any^preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes.  "Why do you^close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher.  "So the room will be^empty."  At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
`In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in^the proper order then why can't he?
`In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful^Dead.^ `  Egyptian Book of the Dead
`In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.^ `  Alan Perlis
`In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or^a loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it^to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by^forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you^stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit^punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong^enough to punch you.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has^shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the^Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million^three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years^from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.^... There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such^wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of^fact.^ `  Mark Twain 
`In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to^drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at^discotheques.^ `  Art Linkletter
`In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take^my advice.^ `  Winston Churchill
`In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without^the supervision of a licensed engineer.
`In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse^along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
`Incumbent, n.:^	Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves^smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is^not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.^ `  Stephen Crane
`Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
`Individualists unite!
`Infancy, n.:^	The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven^lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon^afterward.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`Information Center, n.:^	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is^to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
`Ingrate, n.:^	A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of^indigestion.
`Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.^ `  Martin Luther King, Jr.
`Ink, n.:^	A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and^water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote^intellectual crime.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Innovation is hard to schedule.^ `  Dan Fylstra
`Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
`Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the^salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
`Interpreter, n.:^	One who enables two persons of different languages to^understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to^the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
`	INVENTORY^Four be the things I am wiser to know:^Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.^^Four be the things I'd been better without:^Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.^^Three be the things I shall never attain:^Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.^^Three be the things I shall have till I die:^Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
`Iron Law of Distribution:^	Them that has, gets.
`"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"^ `  Douglas Hofstadter
`Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is^meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a^soap bubble?
`Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the^beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get^out, and such as are out wish to get in?^ `  Ralph Emerson
`Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
`Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction^listen to weather forecasts and economists?^ `  Kelvin Throop III
`Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune^tellers take economists seriously?
`Issawi's Laws of Progress:^^	The Course of Progress:^		Most things get steadily worse.^^	The Path of Progress:^		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
`It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working^as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he found that he^had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one he asked,^"What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They discussed^Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second new arrival^came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ.  The answer^this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the^Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.^To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's^your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,^"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
`It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown^came out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and^applauded.  He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I^think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the^wits, who believe that it is a joke.
`It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is^thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have^drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself^that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *only* by amusing oneself that^one can learn."^ `  Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
`It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have^been searching for evidence which could support this.^ `  Bertrand Russell
`It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
`It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to^program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in^organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be^self-critical?^ `  Alan Perlis
`It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of^Urbana, Illinois.
`It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will^not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves^and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like^mature human beings ...^ `  Playboy, January 1983
`It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a^pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the^sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.^ `  Voltaire
`It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what^they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed^that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so^much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins^had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But^conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more^intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.^^Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending^destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to^alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were^misinterpreted ...^ `  Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The^		   Galaxy"
`It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be^coming up it.^ `  Henry Allen
`It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?^One in a million, perhaps.
`It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
`It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three^benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never^to use either.^ `  Mark Twain
`It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both^incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by^twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.^ `  Rod Serling
`"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is^lightly greased."^ `  Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
`It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its^proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community^a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to^treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the^focus of attention, the harder the task.^ `  Sydney J. Harris
`It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice^versa.
`It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
`It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct^one.
`It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because^if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of^people.^ `  Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
`It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood^Boulevard at one time.
`It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
`It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry^a tune.^ `  Woody Allen
`It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so^ingenious.
`It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not^desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.^ `  Woody Allen
`It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our^offense consists in doubting it.^ `  Justice Robert H. Jackson
`It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the^problem.
`It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be^privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to^corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.^ `  George Bernard Shaw
`It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.^ `  Gore Vidal
`It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one^damn thing over and over.^ `  Edna St. Vincent Millay
`It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?^ `  Elizabeth Carpenter
`It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a^pit.
`It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that^virginity could be a virtue.^ `  Voltaire
`It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their^dignity.
`It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared^to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.^ `  Havelock Ellis
`It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to^students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential^programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of^regeneration.^ `  Dijkstra
`It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the^lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as^high as the eagle?
`It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a^statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more^glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through^which we look, which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the^day, that is the highest of arts.^ `  Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
`It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad^crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed^until the other has gone.
`It is the business of little minds to shrink.^ `  Carl Sandburg
`It is the business of the future to be dangerous.^ `  Hawkwind
`It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for^five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But^it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
`It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the^future.
`It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
`It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too^good either if you speak when your head is empty.
`It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a^warning to others.
`"It runs like x, where x is something unsavory"^ `  Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
`It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the^flag.

`It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the^municipality.^ `  Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
`"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,^but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."^ `  Robert Benchly
`It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
`"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set^foot."
`It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a^breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was^broken ...^ `  James Dent
`"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps^I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I^don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and^the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual^charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its^novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but^yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable^man a lifetime."^ `  Thomas Aldrich
`	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east^laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The^thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,^nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying^for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.^	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating^under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting^icepacks.^ `  The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
`It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like^the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
`It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on^the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
`It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human^nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant^examples.^ `  Charles Dickens
`It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing^warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or^two things still safe to eat.^ `  Robert Fuoss
`It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.^ `  Andrew Jackson
`"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone^underwear."
`It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
`"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."^ `  Steven Wright
`"It's a summons."^"What's a summons?"^"It means summon's in trouble."^ `  Rocky and Bullwinkle
`It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.^ `  Churchy La Femme
`It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
`"It's bad luck to be superstitious."^ `  Andrew W. Mathis
`It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.^ `  Marty Winch
`"It's easier said than done."^^... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than^said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that 'it's easier done than^said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than^done".
`It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
`It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for^being right.
`"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an^hour!"^ `  Macy's
`It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
`It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it^is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It^isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.^ `  Oxford University Press, Edpress News
`It's just a jump to the left^	And then a step to the right.^Put your hands on your hips^	And pull your knees in tight.^It's the pelvic thrust^	That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane^^	LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!^^ `  Rocky Horror Picture Show
`"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."^ `  Walt Disney
`"It's Like This"^^Even the samurai^have teddy bears,^and even the teddy bears^get drunk.
`It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong^direction.
`"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
`It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.^ `  Sam Goldwyn
`It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how^to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.^ `  George Burns
`It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.^ `  Phil White
`"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."^ `  Kevin White, mayor of Boston
`It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.^ `  Alexander Korda
`"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."^ `  Cal Keegan
`It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's^what you're taking for it...
`It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off^the ground.^ `  Daniel B. Luten
`It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it^happens.^ `  Woody Allen
`It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.^ `  Garfield
`It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that^English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many^other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.^ `  Sydney J. Harris
`It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
`It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
`It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the^Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
`It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which^raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody^not to.^ `  Franklin P. Jones
`It's the thought, if any, that counts!
`		     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK^			  by Mark Isaak^^	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL^character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their^hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices^are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some^BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it^to him.^	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,^he met the traveling salesman.^	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman^in high-level language.^	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips^and Apples," commented Jack.^	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue^there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."^	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when^he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she^started thrashing.^	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these^kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the^window ...
`Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:^	No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the^legislature is in session.
`James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total^indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.^ `  Tom Stoppard
`Jenkinson's Law:^	It won't work.
`Jesus Saves,^Moses Invests,^But only Buddha pays Dividends.
`Job Placement, n.:^	Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
`Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
`Johnson's First Law:^	When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the^most inconvenient possible time.
`Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called^"Bureaucracy".  Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do^anything loses.
`Join the march to save individuality!
`Jone's Law:^	The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone^to blame it on.
`Jone's Motto:^	Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
`Jones's First Law:^	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of^endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction^to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their^original contribution.
`Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac^(and nobody cares about it).^ `  Bill Joy 6/21/85
`Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good^solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires^one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the^winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is^because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise^mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political^motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the^whole truth.^ `  Stephen R. Schwambach
`Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has^changed.^ `  Irene Peter
`Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
`Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he^knows what it is.
`Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you^get a prompt, type like hell.
`"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't^immune to bullets"^ `  The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
`"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some^of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"^ `  Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
`Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to^twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
`'Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,^	As he landed his crew with care;^Supporting each man on the top of the tide^	By a finger entwined in his hair.^^'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:^	That alone should encourage the crew.^Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:^	What I tell you three times is true.'
`Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a^faster rat!!!
`Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!^ `  Michael J. Wagner
`Justice is incidental to law and order.^ `  J. Edgar Hoover
`Justice, n.:^	A decision in your favor.
`K:	Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;^	Cobol's wordy and confining;^	KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;^	Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.^ `  The Roguelet's ABC
`Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to^wear tail lights.
`Katz' Law:^	Man and nations will act rationally when all other^possibilities have been exhausted.
`Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
`Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze^		- Hellman's Mayonnaise
`Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
`Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
`Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:^	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc^	    straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this^	    force is technically termed "car suck").^	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive^	    than "Watch this!"
`Keep you Eye on the Ball,^Your Shoulder to the Wheel,^Your Nose to the Grindstone,^Your Feet on the Ground,^Your Head on your Shoulders.^Now ... try to get something DONE!
`Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most^automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the^numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the^driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the^dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know^what's wrong."
`Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:^	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,^and parking for the faculty.
`Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could^travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the^original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate^teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for^grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate^teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.^ `  Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly^		   Do"
`Kin, n.:^	An affliction of the blood
`Kinkler's First Law:^	Responsibility always exceeds authority.^^Kinkler's Second Law:^	All the easy problems have been solved.
`"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
`Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through^any of its streets.
`Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
`Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
`Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
`Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
`Kleptomaniac, n.:^	A rich thief.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
`Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.^ `  Henry N. Camp
`Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):^	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Labor, n.:^	One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Lackland's Laws:^	(1) Never be first.^	(2) Never be last.^	(3) Never volunteer for anything
`Lactomangulation, n.:^	Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly^that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Ladybug, ladybug,^Look to your stern!^Your house is on fire,^Your children will burn!^So jump ye and sing, for^The very first time^The four lines above^Have been put into rhyme.^ `  Walt Kelly
`Laetrile is the pits
`Langsam's Laws:^	(1) Everything depends.^	(2) Nothing is always.^	(3) Everything is sometimes.
`Larkinson's Law:^	All laws are basically false.
`Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with^was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always getting^pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the^farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their^sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do^you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?^What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead^of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under^the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops^whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which^Lassie filed the applications for.^ `  Dave Barry
`"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment^had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate.  I told this to^my friend -- he said, 'Do I know you?'"^ `  Steven Wright
`"Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police^record.  I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.  Cops have no sense^of humor."
`Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
`Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
`"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."  ^ `  Victor Borge
`Law of Communications:^	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications^between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of^misunderstanding.
`Law of Probable Dispersal:^	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly^distributed.
`Law of Selective Gravity:^	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.^^Jenning's Corollary:^	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is^directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
`Law of the Perversity of Nature:^	You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the^bread to butter.
`Laws of Serendipity:^^	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for^	    something.^	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already^	    be engaged in making an inferior one.
`Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:^	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --^approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
`Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
`Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and^everything else follows in the same way.^ `  Alan J. Perlis
`Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
`Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the^fun?
`Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:^	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour^unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a^drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he^can."
`Leibowitz's Rule:^	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you^hold the hammer with both hands.
`LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)^	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are^	pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike^	honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people^	are thieves.
`LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)^	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.^	Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because^	you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of^	fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got^	a sick sense of humor.
`Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
`"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a^number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash^and another number."^ `  James Estes
`Let us live!!!^Let us love!!!^Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!^^You first.
`Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every^relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you^really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the^end.  For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the^qualities I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and^bossy ...  Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind^his back."^ `  Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
`Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick^your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as^Mental Anguish.  You would sue:^^* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions^  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand^  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls^  in there".^^* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious^  cretin like yourself.^^* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this^  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you^  a large cash settlement anyway.^ `  Dave Barry
`Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often^overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of^dollars:  For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your^tax return around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to^spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe^money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will^probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit.  What does he care?^It's not his money.^ `  Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
`LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)^^Dear Sir,^^I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or^to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in^public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result^in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn^will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed^agricultural industry.^^Yours faithfully,^	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.^	Sevenoaks
`Lewis's Law of Travel:^	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to^anyone, ever.
`Liar, n.:^	A lawyer with a roving commission.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.^ `  Harry Emerson Fosdick
`LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)^	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your^	desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and^	polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
`LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)^	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with^	reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.^	Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most^	Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal^	disease.
`Lie, n.:^	A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one^discovered to date.
`Lieberman's Law:^	Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
`Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
`Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
`"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to^eat it nevertheless."^ `  Flaubert
`"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
`Life is like a simile.
`Life is like an analogy
`Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find^there is nothing in it.
`"Life is too important to take seriously."^ `  Corky Siegel
`"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of^which I disapprove."
`"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"^ `  a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
`"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it^weren't for other people"^ `  Blore
`Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
`"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."^ `  Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
`Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made^sense from things she found in gift shops.^ `  Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
`Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking^for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.^ `  Alan McKay
`Limericks are art forms complex,^Their topics run chiefly to sex.^	They usually have virgins,^	And masculine urgin's,^And other erotic effects.
`Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
`Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe^	we should think only about today.^Charlie Brown:^	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get^	better.
`Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.^ `  Candice Bergen
`Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip^around the Sun.
`Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted^before.
`Lizzie Borden took an axe,^And plunged it deep into the VAX;^Don't you envy people who^Do all the things YOU want to do?
`Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these^interest rates, we don't need it."
`Lobster:^	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are^squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the^only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to^eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial^before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most^ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime^in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its^unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of^the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,^"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a^memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe^at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.^Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,^too.^ `  "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils^		   into Excuses and Apologies"
`Lockwood's Long Shot:^	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't^one in a million, but once would be enough.
`Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *awful*.
`... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and^legally ... impeccable!
`Logicians have but ill defined^As rational the human kind.^Logic, they say, belongs to man,^But let them prove it if they can.^ `  Oliver Goldsmith
`Look out!  Behind you!
`Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us^to pay income taxes, too?^ `  Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
`Loose bits sink chips.
`Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,^BOOGA!"
`Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
`Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in^Halstead, Kansas.
`Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
`Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
`Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the^world has ever seen.
`Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.^ `  Sigmund Freud
`"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it^flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."^ `  Matt Groening
`Love is a word that is constantly heard,^Hate is a word that is not.^Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.^Love, I have read, is hot.^But hate is the verb that to me is superb,^And Love but a drug on the mart.^Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,^But Hating, my boy, is an Art.^ `  Ogden Nash
`"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with ^the ideal never goes unpunished."^ `  Goethe
`Love is sentimental measles.
`Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
`Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.^ `  Louise Beal
`Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up^to.
`	Love's Drug^^My love is like an iron wand ^	That conks me on the head,^My love is like the valium ^	That I take before my bed,^My love is like the pint of scotch ^	That I drink when I be dry;^And I shall love thee still, my dear,^	Until my wife is wise.
`Lowery's Law:^	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing^anyway.
`LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
`Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:^	There's always one more bug.
`Lunatic Asylum, n.:^	The place where optimism most flourishes.
`Lysistrata had a good idea.
`"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into^the smallest amount of thoughts."^ `  Winston Churchill
`Machine-Independent, adj.:^	Does not run on any existing machine.
`Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,^and play games -- but not with pleasure.^ `  Leo Rosten
`Mad, adj.:^	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them^first for seven hours, they always come out tender.^ `  W. C. Fields
`MAFIA, n:^	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance^Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore^subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is^rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy^reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP^operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that^MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped^variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex^security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a^more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an^imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES^options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.^Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a^powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and^entire nodal aggravations.^ `  Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
`Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism^^Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.^^The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works^of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject^with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human^knowledge.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Magnocartic, adj.:^	Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping^carts.^ `  Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
`Magpie, n.:^	A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it^might be taught to talk.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Maier's Law:^	If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed^	of.^^Corollaries:^	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.^	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than^	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to^	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
`Main's Law:^	For every action there is an equal and opposite government^program.
`Maintainer's Motto:^	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
`Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly^	as one man.^^Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.^^Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Majority, n.:^	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
`Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
`Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users^tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It^has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is^the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.^ `  System V.2 administrator's guide
`Malek's Law:^	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
`Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good^	joke is.^^Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo --^^Man 1:	TIMING!
`"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."^ `  Lily Tomlin
`Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called^upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the^only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.^ `  Wernher von Braun
`Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.^ `  Mark Twain
`Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the^victims he intends to eat until he eats them.^ `  Samuel Butler
`Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the^victims he intends to eat until he eats them.^ `  Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
`Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it^is an enemy.^ `  Albert Einstein
`Man, n.:^	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks^e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His hief^occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,^however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole^habitable earth and Canada.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Mandrell: "You know what I think?"^Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you^	  don't think, right?"^ `  Dr. Who
`Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,^dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive^man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the^air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first^primitive umpire.^^What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as^mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.^ `  Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
`Manual, n.:^	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a^given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The^information you need in in the others.^ `  Ray Simard
`Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,^there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he^was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how^completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...^ `  Walt Kelly
`Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:^	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a^simple yes or no answer.
`Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.^ `  Voltaire
`Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on^the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam^dancing.^ `  Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
`Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.^ `  Malcolm Smith
`Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.^ `  R. Drabek
`Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they^translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something^entirely different.^ `  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
`Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is^described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can^play.^ `  Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by^		   James Blish
`"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
`Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a^receipt.
`Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.^ `  Jules Feiffer
`May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
`May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
`May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
`May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a^Thousand Caramels.
`Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.^ `  R. S. Barton
`Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge^it.
`McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:^	If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not^$19.95.
`Meader's Law:^	Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to^everyone you know, only more so.
`Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
`Meeting, n.:^	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or^department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
`Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures^from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha^Centauri.  Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man^had split before.  Thus was the Empire forged.^ `  "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
`Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and^it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin^very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently^tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...^	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important^	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the^	 next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]^... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your^cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of^billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even^more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a^fact.  Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the^older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and^obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the^window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger^hotshot cells moving up from below.^ `  Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
`Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:^	The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
`Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:^	The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the^cork makes when it is popped.
`Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:^	All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
`Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:^	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that^is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can^never hope to acquire it.
`Menu, n.:^	A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
`Meskimen's Law:^	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to^do it over.
`MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
`Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
`methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-^ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-^phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-^taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-^glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-^nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-^minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-^cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-^leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-^cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-^lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-^sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-^cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-^nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-^nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-^partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-^glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-^valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-^cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-^nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-^rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-^glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-^sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-^lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-^glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:^	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a^	1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.^ `  Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
`Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
`Micro Credo:^	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
`"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been^watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
`"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you^out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
`Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"^Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO^	inconsiderate."^ `  Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
`Miksch's Law:^	If a string has one end, then it has another end.
`Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.^ `  Groucho Marx
`Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.^ `  Groucho Marx
`Millihelen, adj:^	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
`Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with^themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.^ `  Susan Ertz
`Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that^politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum^and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they^are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to^rummage around in their lives for the next four years.  Consider all^the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert^Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.  Those people who taught Hubert^Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when^Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the^black.^ `  Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
`Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there^is particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined,^myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in^the trade.  But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my^unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You^will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as^dead as a door-nail.
`Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
`Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap^pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
`Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
`Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.^ `  Russell Baker
`Misfortune, n.:^	The kind of fortune that never misses.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Miss, n.:^	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that^they are in the market.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
`Mitchell's Law of Committees:^	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are^held to discuss it.
`MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)^^  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers^2 cups water				 2 cups sugar^2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice^  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine^  Cinnamon^^Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break^RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar^and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon^juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously^with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top^crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let^steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust^is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.^ `  Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
`Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
`Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked^him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just^last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew^better.
`Molecule, n.:^	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished^from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a^closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of^matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the^atom in that it is an ion ...^	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:^	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented^it wasn't worth doing.
`Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
`Monday, n.:^	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
`Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
`Money is the root of all wealth.
`Moon, n.:^	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to^hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
`Mophobia, n.:^	Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
`		MORE SPORTS RESULTS:^The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last^Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while^the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the^Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could^paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player^took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting^their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player^said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a^fight and the match was called by officials.
`More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One^path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total^extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.^ `  Woody Allen
`Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:^	Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd^be out of a job.
`Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex^because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs^and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little^eyes.  So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around^and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the^female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just^dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away.  Then the male, driven^by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs.  So the^truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of^them that it doesn't make any difference.^ `  Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every^		   Teen Should Know"
`Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently^than they do.^ `  Turgenev
`Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.^ `  Frank Zappa
`Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.^ `  Arnold Bennett
`Mother is the invention of necessity.
`Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
`Mr. Cole's Axiom:^	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the^population is growing.
`"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)^"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365.  He [ten-year-old^Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his^pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes^in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be^in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,^133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"  An electronic^computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much^fun to watch.^ `  James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
`Murphy's Discovery:^	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to^women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything^will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in^trouble!
`Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't^work.
`Murphy's Law of Research:^	Enough research will tend to support your theory.
`"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."^ `  Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
`	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring^Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping^pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret^military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and^Esther and hustle them off to prison.^	They can't prove who they are because they've left their^passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day^and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation^movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,^charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.^	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where^they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them^if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call^her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not^possible, and turns to Murray.^	"This is crazy!"  Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he^spits in the sergeants face.^	"Murray!"  Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`Mustgo, n.:^	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so^long it has become a science project.^ `  Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
`"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on^it."^ `  "Grendel", by John Gardner
`My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I^threw my amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste.^First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the^frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up^the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed^forward, shouting "The WHO!  The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier^perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through^the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative^crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say that this was a^symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state^in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I^really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded^OK.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Snake"
`"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless^there are three other people."^ `  Orson Welles
`My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand^times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and^sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right^through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever^listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just^log out again.
`"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"^	-- MadameX
`My love runs by like a day in June,^	And he makes no friends of sorrows.^He'll tread his galloping rigadoon^	In the pathway or the morrows.^He'll live his days where the sunbeams start^	Nor could storm or wind uproot him.^My own dear love, he is all my heart --^	And I wish somebody'd shoot him.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,^	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!^The ways are fair to his roaming feet,^	And the skies are sunlit for him.^As sharply sweet to my heart he seems^	As the fragrance of acacia.^My own dear love, he is all my dreams --^	And I wish he were in Asia.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been^one.^ `  Groucho Marx
`My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
`My own dear love, he is strong and bold^	And he cares not what comes after.^His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,^	And his eyes are lit with laughter.^He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --^	Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.^My own dear love, he is all my world --^	And I wish I'd never met him.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling^Alley!!
`"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling^Alley!!"^ `  Zippy the Pinhead
`My pen is at the bottom of a page,^Which, being finished, here the story ends;^'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,^But stories somehow lengthen when begun.^ `  Byron
`My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not^signed.^ `  Christopher Morley
`"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
`Mythology, n.:^	The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its^origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished^from the true accounts which it invents later.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);^   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);^   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);^   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);^   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);^^ `  C code which reverses the bits in a word.
`Naeser's Law:^	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it^damnfoolproof.
`NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he^	  says is wrong.^GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says^	  will be right.^ `  G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
`Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant^said "My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next^time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone^might steal it."
`Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the^villagers gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time,"^said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the^villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The^remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he^said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of^my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually^spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
`Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to^serve him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk^into your shop?"  "Of course."  "Have you ever seen me before?"^"Never."  "Then how do you know it was me?"
`Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful^than the sun."  "Why?", he was asked.  "Because at night we need the^light more."
`Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver^pie.  Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of^meat from his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,^"Foolish bird!  You have the liver, but what can you do with it without^the recipe?"
`Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of^conservation of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the^fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he^is most likely to be creamed?^ `  Solomon Short
`Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,^God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.^^It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!^Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
`Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it^cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.^ `  Fran Leibowitz
`Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's^character, give him power.^ `  Abraham Lincoln
`Necessity is a mother.
`Neckties strangle clear thinking.^ `  Lin Yutang
`Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
`Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
`Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
`Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
`Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
`Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled^with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to^change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually^fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators^have windows.
`Never eat more than you can lift.^ `  Miss Piggy
`Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
`Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
`Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.^ `  Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
`Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to^make it complex and wonderful.
`Never offend people with style when you can offend them with^substance.^ `  Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
`Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
`Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a^law against it by that time.
`Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
`Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
`Never try to outstubborn a cat.^ `  Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
`Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.^ `  Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
`"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
`Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's^supposed to do.^ `  R. A. Heinlein
`New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
`New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in^any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
`New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of^Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
`New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.^ `  Monty Python's Big Red Book
`New systems generate new problems.
`New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and^his wife most often reminds him to act it.^ `  Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
`New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
`New York's got the ways and means;^Just won't let you be.^ `  The Grateful Dead
`Newlan's Truism:^	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government^economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
`NEWS FLASH!!^	Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West^	German pole-vault champion.
`			*** NEWSFLASH ***^Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
`Newton's Fourth Law:  Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
`Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:^	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
`Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't^have a lucky day this year.
`Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying^as an income tax refund.^ `  F. J. Raymond
`"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."^ `  Foghorn Leghorn
`Nihilism should commence with oneself.
`Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name^correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into^(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but^Americans call him by value.
`Nine megs for the secretaries fair,^Seven megs for the hackers scarce,^Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,^Three megs for system source;^^One disk to rule them all,^One disk to bind them,^One disk to hold the files^And in the darkness grind 'em.
`Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes^	And tapes without any tracks;^Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes^	And tapes mixed up on the racks --^		Take hold of the tape^		And pull off the strip,^		And then you'll be sure^		Your tape drive will skip.^^ `  Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
`"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they^would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect^that much."^ `  Augustine
`Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:^	The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of^the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
`"Nirvana?  Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends^hang out.^ `  Zonker Harris
`No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless^absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.^ `  Fran Lebowitz
`No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a^camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform^effectively under such difficult conditions.^ `  Laurence J. Peter
`No good deed goes unpunished.^ `  Clare Boothe Luce
`No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after^eating one peanut.^ `  Channing Pollock
`No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
`No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will^seriously cramp his style.
`No matter what other nations may say about the United States,^immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
`No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.^ `  Eleanor Roosevelt
`"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
`No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval^system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of^the author.^ `  Chris Shaw
`No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --^He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.^Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame^And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.^CHORUS:^	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,^	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.^	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,^	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.^Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails^And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.^All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff^But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"^		(chorus)^Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.^The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.^A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,^But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!^		(chorus)
`No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
`No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
`"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied^occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an^indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining^occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as^an indication-applied occurrence."^ `  ALGOL 68 Report
`"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of^paper."^ `  Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was^		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch
`	No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider^the furniture!^ `  Sherlock Holmes
`"No, 'Eureka' is Greek for 'This bath is too hot.'"^ `  Dr. Who
`Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing^it.^ `  Tallulah Bankhead
`NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
`Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
`Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in^order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the^substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young^and rob the old.^ `  Lewis Lapham
`Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with^constructive praise.
`Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:^	Negative expectations yield negative results.^	Positive expectations yield negative results.
`Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
`Noncombatant, n.:^	A dead Quaker.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
`"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
`Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
`Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the^Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats^in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the^moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a^dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every^respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside^it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,^then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they^chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."^ `  Shakespeare
`"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper^is from the wrong kind of tree."^ `  Professor W.
`Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter^of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund^is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --^unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is^careful not to make any poultry jokes ...^ `  Woody Allen
`Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
`Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
`Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...^^To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the^light comes on.
`Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.^ `  Andrew Young
`Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires^tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.^ `  Nero Wolfe
`Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.^Conscience makes egotists of us all.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`Nothing recedes like success.^ `  Walter Winchell
`Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited^love.^ `  Charlie Brown
`November, n.:^	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
`Now I lay me down to sleep^I pray the double lock will keep;^May no brick through the window break,^And, no one rob me till I awake.
`"Now is the time for all good men to come to."^ `  Walt Kelly
`Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next^time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV^to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for^eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself^the following questions:^^(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a^    food?^(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich^    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?^(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as^    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with^    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living^    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like^    longer.)^^That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
`"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called^Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that^were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."^ `  "The Begatting of a President"
`"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a^smurfette."^ `  P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
`... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to^get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in^the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs^on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage^children emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a^snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn^to love him, then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about^a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an^outcast by the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does^he ignore the deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect^Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks^Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some^kind of headlight with legs and a tail.  So unless you want your^children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop^quickly.^ `  Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
`	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home^tool sets for under $4?"  An excellent question.^	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell^plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where^they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of^Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon^administration.  In either the hardware or housewares department,^you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and^described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with^interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools^that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.^	This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it^inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the^so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off^if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to^direct sunlight.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."^ `  Karl Lehenbauer
`"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of ^normal routines, for children and adults alike."^ `  Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
`"Nuclear war would really set back cable."^ `  Ted Turner
`[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.^ `  Edwin Meese III
`Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
`(null cookie; hope that's ok)
`Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're^guessing.
`O give me a home,^Where the buffalo roam,^Where the deer and the antelope play,^Where seldom is heard^A discouraging word,^'Cause what can an antelope say?
`O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:^	Murphy was an optimist.
`"Of course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a^fake?"
`Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the^reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest^amount of hot air.^ `  Thomas L. Martin
`Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.^ `  Plato
`Of all the words of witch's doom^There's none so bad as which and whom.^The man who kills both which and whom^Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.^ `  Fletcher Knebel
`"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power^tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."^ `  Crazy Nigel
`Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
`Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.^And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a^blazer.
`Office Automation, n.:^	The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone^you would want to talk with over coffee.
`Ogden's Law:^	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch^up.
`Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
`Oh don't the days seem lank and long^	When all goes right and none goes wrong,^And isn't your life extremely flat^	With nothing whatever to grumble at!
`Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay^	I muck with indices and structs all day^And when it works, I shout hoo-ray^	Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
`Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd^be irresponsible, too.^ `  Lichty & Wagner
`Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,^And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;^Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth^Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things^You have not dreamed of --^Wheeled and soared and swung^High in the sunlit silence.^Hovering there^I've chased the shouting wind along and flung^My eager craft through footless halls of air.^Up, up along delirious, burning blue^I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,^Where never lark, or even eagle flew;^And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod^The high untrespassed sanctity of space,^Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.^ `  John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
`Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
`Oh, when I was in love with you,^	Then I was clean and brave,^And miles around the wonder grew^	How well did I behave.^^And now the fancy passes by,^	And nothing will remain,^And miles around they'll say that I^	Am quite myself again.^ `  A. E. Housman
`Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
`"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."^ `  Dr. Joy
`OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
`Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.^ `  Trotsky
`Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
`Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
`Oliver's Law:^	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need^it.
`Omnibiblious, adj.:^	Indifferent to type of drink.  "Oh, you can get me anything.^I'm omnibiblious."
`OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of^JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O^as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...^WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
`On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:^^"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."^ `  Wolfgang Pauli
`On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only^nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter^what it does.^ `  Will Rogers
`	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in^receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's^income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than^$283 on the desk before the cashier.^	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That^route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"^	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured^business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and^worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
`On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are^created jerks.^ `  Avery
`On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are^created jerks.^ `  H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
`On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a^POINT ...
`On the subject of C program indentation:^^	"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be^	indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."^ `  Blair P. Houghton
`"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray,^Mr.  Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right^answers come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of^confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."^ `  Charles Babbage
`On-line, adj.:^	The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a^computer.
`Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were^forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.^ `  W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
`Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that^each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his^choice.^^In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians^called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"^and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People^passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy^Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"^ `  Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
`Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,^Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".^Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your^principals or your mistress".
`Once Law was sitting on the bench^	And Mercy knelt a-weeping.^"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!^	Nor come before me creeping.^Upon you knees if you appear,^'Tis plain you have no standing here."^^Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:^	"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"^"Amica curiae," she replied --^	"Friend of the court, so please you."^"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --^I never saw your face before!"^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human^beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by^side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them^which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the^sky.^ `  Rainer Rilke
`	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a^great crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to^the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of^life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But^one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is^going.  I shall let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I^shall die of boredom."^	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that^current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the^rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"^	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,^and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.^Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current^lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.^	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,^"See a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the^Messiah, come to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current^said, "I am no more Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us^free, if only we dare let go.  Our true work is this voyage, this^adventure.^	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to^the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
`Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of^us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of^the smaller prime numbers.^^2:  The Odd Prime --^	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.^3:  The True Prime --^	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."^31: The Arbitrary Prime --^	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime^	in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91^	received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the^	next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none^	at all.^^Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are^derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but^true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
`... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you^with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday^shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday^advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a^shopping bag.  If your children object to being tied, threaten to take^them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.^ `  Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
`Once, adv.:^	Enough.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least^somebody's listening.^ `  Franklin P. Jones
`"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."^^Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.^The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.^ `  Chuq Von Rospach
`One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
`One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing^how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.^ `  Professor Charles P. Issawi
`One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell^the truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald^announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to^a question which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The^captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth^-- the alternative is death by hanging."  "I am going," said Nasrudin,^"to be hanged on that gallows."  "I don't believe you."  "Very well, if^I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"^"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
`One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet^when well oiled.
`One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they^never have to stop and answer the phone.
`One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.^ `  Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
`One learns to itch where one can scratch.^ `  Ernest Bramah
`One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as^one man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will^produce half again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to^represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as^many ...^ `  Anthony Chevins
`One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
`One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How^will it live?"  The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,^I'll tell you."
`One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
`One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible^from one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at^least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts^are, of course, simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but^when He's good, nobody can touch Him.^ `  John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
`One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to^do and always a clever thing to say.^ `  Will Durant
`"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,^lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of^their C programs."^ `  Robert Firth
`One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God^create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy^retail."^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How^enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?^	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many^years ago.  Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.^Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple^language, easy to understand, easy to get started with.  It's great for^students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for^interchanging programs between different machines.  And so, because of^its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have good UNIX on^VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.^	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will^run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and^will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.^	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and^quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With^VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of^documentation -- if you look long enough it's there.  That's the^difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS^is that it's all there.^ `  Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
`One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your^seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best^way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who^fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become^disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
`The Seventh Commandments for Technicians^	Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy^fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in^other ways.
`The First Commandment for Technicians:^	Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged^capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most^untechnician-like manner.
`One Page Principle:^	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch^paper cannot be understood.^ `  Mark Ardis
`"One planet is all you get."
`One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could^manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that^they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's^say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding^study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by^sherbet.  Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,^strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus^rendering him too large to fit through the plane door.  It could also^be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law.  ("Mr.^Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle^Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save^millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently^support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem is that^your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members^of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are^already too large to fit on normal aircraft.^ `  Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
`One reason why George Washington^Is held in such veneration:^He never blamed his problems^On the former Administration.^ `  George O. Ludcke
`One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
`One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh^paint.
`"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that^sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of^sheer terror."^ `  W. K. Hartmann
`One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a^new model.
`One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
`One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned^at the stake while the votes were being counted.^ `  Thomas B. Reed
`One-Shot Case Study, n.:^	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which^it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes^green.
`Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
`Only God can make random selections.
`Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to^use the editorial "we."
`Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
`Optimization hinders evolution.
`Optimization hinders evolution.
`Oregano, n.:^	The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
`Oregon, n.:^	Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday^night.
`Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry^is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.^ `  Mike Adams
`Osborn's Law:^	Variables won't; constants aren't.
`Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your^nails.
`Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is^they charge fifteen cents for them.
`Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the^office.  He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we^were both holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of^juice.  But only *he* had a lollipop.^^He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"^^Her reply:^^	"He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's what it^	means to be a programmer."
`Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.^	Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,^	In kernel as it is in user!
`Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.^ `  Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
`... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce^Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm.  One^thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition.  If^somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it^on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what^a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.^ `  Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
`"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."^ `  Alex Schure
`"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."^ `  Alex Schure
`Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.^ `  General Omar N. Bradley
`		OUTCONERR^Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes^	Did logzerneg the ifthen block^All kludgy were the function flows^	And subroutines adhoc.^^Beware the runtime-bug my friend^	squrooneg, the false goto^Beware the infiniteloop^	And shun the inprectoo.
`"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,^it's too dark to read."^ `  Groucho Marx
`Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now^I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
`Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
`Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
`Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
`Ozman's Laws:^	(1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he^	    won't.^	(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they^	    make.^	(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.^	(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
`Painting, n.:^	The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and^exposing them to the critic.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`panic: can't find /
`panic: kernel trap (ignored)
`Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much^better.^ `  Laurie Anderson
`Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
`Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
`Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
`Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to^criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.^ `  D. J. Hicks
`Pardo's First Postulate:^	Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or^fattening.^^Arnold's Addendum:^	Everything else causes cancer in rats.
`Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
`Parker's Law:^	Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
`Parkinson's Fifth Law:^	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good^bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
`Parkinson's Fourth Law:^	The number of people in any working group tends to increase^regardless of the amount of work to be done.
`Parsley^	 is gharsley.^ `  Ogden Nash
`Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
`"Pascal is not a high-level language."^ `  Steven Feiner
`"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."^ `  M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
`Pascal Users:^	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the^death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
`Pascal, n.:^	A programming language named after a man who would turn over in^his grave if he knew about it.
`Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.^ `  Eric Hoffer
`Patageometry, n.:^	The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant^under brain transplants.
`Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
`Paul's Law:^	In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you^save.
`Paul's Law:^	You can't fall off the floor.
`Peace, n.:^	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two^periods of fighting.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Peanut Blossoms^^4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk^4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla^4 cups shortening      14 cups flour^8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda^4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt^^Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie^sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a^Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a^hell of a lot.
`Pecor's Health-Food Principle:^	Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in^it.
`Pedaeration, n.:^	The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the^sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Penguin Trivia #46:^	Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.^ `  Chicago Reader 10/15/82
`People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.^ `  Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
`People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of^the future.
`"People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense."^ `  Ken Kesey
`People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
`People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better^press than people who are just funny and smart.^ `  Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
`People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never^slept in a room with a single mosquito.
`People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who^haven't what they want that they don't want it.^ `  Ogden Nash
`People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that^Benjamin Franklin said it first.
`People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
`People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they^did yesterday.
`Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.^"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."^ `  Aelius Donatus
`Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
`Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but^when there is no longer anything to take away.^ `  Antoine de Saint-Exupery
`Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
`Peter's Law of Substitution:^	Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after^themselves.
`Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to^exciting Camden, New Jersey.
`Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
`Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.^ `  John Keats
`Pick another fortune cookie.
`"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional^hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational^sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
`Pig, n.:^	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race^by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is^inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

`PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)^	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being^followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your^associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack^confidence and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible^things to small animals.
`PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)^	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the^American Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as^nobody else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will^probably get run over by a bus.
`			Pittsburgh Driver's Test^^(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light^    but a steady left tail light.  This means^^	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn^	    to call the problem to the driver's attention.^	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.^	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.^	(d) the driver is from out of town.^^The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign^countries to signal turns.
`			Pittsburgh Driver's Test^^(8) Pedestrians are^^	(a) irrelevant.^	(b) communists.^	(c) a nuisance.^	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.^^The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are^totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
`Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.^ `  Don Marquis
`PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the^solution set.^ `  E. W. Dijkstra
`"Plaese porrf raed."^ `  Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
`Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia^because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers^couldn't compete successfully with poets.^ `  Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half^		   Shell"
`Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill^them.
`Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic^table.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Snake"
`Please ignore previous fortune.
`Please take note:
`Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"^until you are told that those rooms are "punched out".  Once punched^out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,^and such.^ `  N. Meyrowitz
`Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
`	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,^requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm^into a clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing^problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the^radio.  But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how^plumbing works.^	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,^except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,^it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets^and toilets.  So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at^all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can^kill you.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`PLUNDERER'S THEME^(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)^^Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.^If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.^Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.^Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
`Pohl's law:^	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
`Police:	Good evening, are you the host?^Host:	No.^Police:	We've been getting complaints about this party.^Host:	About the drugs?^Police:	No.^Host:	About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?^Police:	No, the noise.^Host:	Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns^	or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the^	background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?^	The neighbors?^Police:	No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent^	complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could^	ask the host to quiet things down?^Host:	No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive^	religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living^	room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the^	lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out^	onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind^	down.
`Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell^all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
`Politician, n.:^	An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of^organized society is reared.  When he wriggles, he mistakes the^agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared^with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Politician, n.:^	From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or^"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).  Hence^"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.^ `  Martin Pitt
`Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even^where there is no river.^	-- Nikita Khrushchev
`Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough^to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
`Polymer physicists are into chains.
`Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the^Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The^white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before^it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his^name had hilarious possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with^laughter, singing^	Half a pound of tuppenny rice^	Half a pound of treacle^	That's the way the chimney smokes^	Pope Goestheveezl^The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of^laughter streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for^hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron^Hans Neizant Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`Portable, adj.:^	Survives system reboot.
`Positive, adj.:^	Mistaken at the top of one's voice.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
`"Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat"^ `  John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
`Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
`Power, n:^	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
`Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little^more time for dreaming.^ `  J. P. McEvoy
`Predestination was doomed from the start.
`President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and^forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
`President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the^vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.^ `  The Washington Post
`Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
`Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:^	It's on the other side.
`[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves^to see him work.^ `  Winston Churchill
`Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
`Probable-Possible, my black hen,^She lays eggs in the Relative When.^She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now^Because she's unable to postulate how.^ `  Frederick Winsor
`Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have^orgasms?  The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which^is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.^ `  Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every^		   Teen Should Know"
`Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data^	 encryption standard and they came up with ...^Student: EBCDIC!"
`Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.^Eng.  130 midterm.  Once again no student received a single point on^his exam.  Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter.  Newell's^earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
`Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.^^This technique is used on equations with "n" in them.  Induction^techniques are very popular, even the military used them.^^SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.^^	We know it's true for n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true^for every natural number less than n.  N is arbitrary, so we can take n^as large as we want.  If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is^trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n.  We^can take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just^about n.^	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
`Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.^	SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.^(1) Horses have an even number of legs.^(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.^(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of^    legs for a horse.^(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. ^(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.^^Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:^	Intimidation^	Gesticulation (handwaving)^	"Try it; it works"^	Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)^	Blatant assertion^	Changing all the 2's to n's^	Mutual consent^	Lack of a counterexample, and^	"It stands to reason"
`Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:^^BBW	Branch Both Ways^BEW	Branch Either Way^BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full^BH	Branch and Hang^BMR	Branch Multiple Registers^BOB	Branch On Bug^BPO	Branch on Power Off^BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape^CDS	Condense and Destroy System^CLBR	Clobber Register^CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately^CM	Circulate Memory^CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming^CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip^CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals
`Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:^^DC	Divide and Conquer^DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key^DO	Divide and Overflow^EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator^EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately^EROS	Erase Read Only Storage^EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer^HCF	Halt and Catch Fire^IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed^INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])^PBC	Print and Break Chain^PDSK	Punch Disk
`Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:^^PI	Punch Invalid^POPI	Punch Operator Immediately^PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card^RASC	Read And Shred Card^RPM	Read Programmers Mind^RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)^RTAB	Rewind tape and break^RWDSK	rewind disk^RWOC	Read Writing On Card^SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write^SLC	Search for Lost Chord^SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word^SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk^STROM	Store in Read Only Memory^TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit^WBT	Water Binary Tree
`"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller^than the both put together."
`Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check^three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
`Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well^anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves^to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way^to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the^cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in^fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a^lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of^the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.^ `  Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
`Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
`Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
`Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
`Put no trust in cryptic comments.
`Put your Nose to the Grindstone!^ `  Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
`Putt's Law:^	Technology is dominated by two types of people:^		Those who understand what they do not manage.^		Those who manage what they do not understand.
`Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?^A:  One per person.
`Q:  How did you get into artificial intelligence?^A:  Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
`Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?^A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
`Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?^A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.^^Q:  How long does it take?^A:  It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've^    brought with them.^^Q:  What happens if you've got TWO flats?^A:  They replace your generator.
`Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?^A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb^    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective^    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a^    maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
`Q:  How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb^    in San Francisco?^A:  Both of them.
`Q:  How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?^A:  33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
`Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?^A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
`Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?^A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,^    Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of^    the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%^    of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences^    of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
`Q:  How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?^A:  Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring^    light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government^    plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer^    prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb^    assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
`Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?^A:  One and a half.
`Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?^A:  One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem^    to the earlier joke.
`Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?^A:  Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those^    Californians trying to share the experience.
`Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?^A:  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub^    with brightly colored machine tools.
`Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?^A:  None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out^    of the way.
`Q:  What's a light-year?^A:  One-third less calories than a regular year.
`Q:  Why did the tachyon cross the road?^A:  Because it was on the other side.
`Q:  Why do ducks have flat feet?^A:  To stamp out forest fires.^^Q:  Why do elephants have flat feet?^A:  To stamp out flaming ducks.
`Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?^A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
`Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What^   should I do?^^A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on^   believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be^   the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No^   time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if^   somebody else has made the correction.^^   And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're^   the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have^   to inform the whole net right away!^^ `  Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions^		   on Netiquette"
`Quality Control, n.:^	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off^a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
`Question:^Man Invented Alcohol,^God Invented Grass.^Who do you trust?
`Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
`Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
`Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.^^(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
`Quigley's Law:^	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will^atttempt to use it.
`QUOTE OF THE DAY:^^       '^
`"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
`QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:^	1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69^kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2.  [colloq.] one^thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a^painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]^person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.^ `  Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
`Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
`Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something^I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of^computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport^store.  Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told^all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all^the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are^they taking no-fault insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current^rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on^Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be^impressed with us electrical engineers then?  Are we, as the saying^goes, giving away the store?^ `  Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
`Ray's Rule of Precision:^	Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
`Razors pain you;^Rivers are damp;^Acids stain you;^And drugs cause cramp.^Guns aren't lawful;^Nooses give;^Gas smells awful;^You might as well live.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe^the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described^with pictures.
`Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of^Congress.  But I repeat myself.^ `  Mark Twain
`Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic^value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is^much too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice^this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
`Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware^has limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing^machines are so poor at I/O.
`Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are^so long they can't afford the disk space.
`Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write^in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
`Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker^with 'programming systems', but those are so high level that they^hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for^applications.)
`Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run^on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo^sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
`Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured^programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-^trained.  They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise^clear desks.
`Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine^doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell^quiche.
`Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it^should be hard to understand.
`Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the^illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how^much good it did them.
`Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires^you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers^wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly^spring up in the middle of the machine room.
`Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write^in BASIC after reaching puberty.
`Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress^freaks and crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who^wear white socks.
`Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who^can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
`Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
`Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use^functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
`Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.^This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a^computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
`Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and^greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any^moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that^systems could be virtual at *all* levels.  They would like personal^computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your^DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their^Correctness Verification Aid packages.
`Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the^job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like^using an undocumented external procedure.
`Real Time, adj.:^	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there^and then.
`Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never^afraid to break your face.
`Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts^down the system for days.
`Real Users hate Real Programmers.
`Real Users know your home telephone number.
`Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your^program doesn't deliver it.
`Real Users never use the Help key.
`Real World, The n.:^	1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may^be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc.  2. To^programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related^to programming.  3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and^tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.  4.^The location of the status quo.  5. Anywhere outside a university.^"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world."  Used^pejoratively by those not in residence there.  In conversation, talking^of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a^deceased person.
`Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
`Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
`Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?^ `  Patrick Sky
`Reality is for people who lack imagination.
`Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
`Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.^ `  Alvy Ray Smith
`"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go^away".^ `  Philip K. Dick
`"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
`Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than^being flat broke and having a stomach ache.^ `  Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
`Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.  Depression is when you^lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,^but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and^Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3^recessions.
`Reclaimer, spare that tree!^Take not a single bit!^It used to point to me,^Now I'm protecting it.^It was the reader's CONS^That made it, paired by dot;^Now, GC, for the nonce,^Thou shalt reclaim it not.
`	"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"^Candy^Is dandy^But liquor^Is quicker.^ `  Ogden Nash
`"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the universe^again ..."  An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know^which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A^spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the^starfield surrounding the ship.^^"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC^announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but they^are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have been^intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and^transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.^Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."^ `  James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
`Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:^	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
`Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.^ `  Anatole France
`"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used^it."^ `  Dave Barry
`Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be^worse in Cleveland.^ `  National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
`Remember, drive defensively!  And of course, the best defense is a good^offense!
`Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
`Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
`Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.^ `  Dave Butler
`Renning's Maxim:^	Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
`Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western^	Civilization?^Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.
`Reporter, n.:^	A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a^tempest of words.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?^^SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that^the country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can^carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."^I have no idea why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind^of chemical pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to^do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of^ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we^need is jobs, not empty promises.  I realize I'm risking my political^career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but^that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I^can't help it.^ `  Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
`Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.^ `  Wernher von Braun
`Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get^another chance later on.
`Review Questions^^(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,^    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before^    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the^    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?^^(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks^    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks^    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off^    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?^^(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers^    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a^    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King^    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
`Rhode's Law:^	When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,^circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,^empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,^induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always^for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,^material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or^none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,^proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,^universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it^becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
`"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."^ `  Steven Wright
`Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention^	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will^	reject the proposal.
`Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.^ `  Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With^		   Pogo"
`ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.^MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-^	door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
`Rudin's Law:^	If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it^every time.
`Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:^	Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall^be liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person^shall be deemed to be a cat.
`Rule of Creative Research:^	(1) Never draw what you can copy.^	(2) Never copy what you can trace.^	(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
`Rule of Defactualization:^	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
`Rule of Feline Frustration:^	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly^content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
`Rule of the Great:^	When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep^thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
`Rules for Academic Deans:^	(1)  HIDE!!!!^	(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!^ `  Father Damian C. Fandal
`Rules for driving in New York:^	(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.^	(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers^	    on.^	(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the^	    intersection.
`RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED^	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.^	(2)  Never leave the table hungry.^	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.^	(4)  Enjoy your food.^	(5)  Enjoy your companion's food.^	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to^	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.^	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,^	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a^	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?^	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.^	(9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You^	     can always eat it later.^	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.^	(11) Avoid blue food.^ `  Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
`Rules:^	(1)  The boss is always right.^	(2)  When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
`		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence^		  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.^^(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,^    ants.^(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.^(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.^(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.^(5) Exotic birds flock around you.^(6) People ignore you at parties.^(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.^(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
`		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence^(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear^     bomb; use the stairs.^(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit^     the ground.^(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.^(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to^     psychological problems.^(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to^     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed^     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.^(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs^     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.^(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.^(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be^     staggering illegally.^(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more^     sanitary due to limited circulation.^(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on^     D-Day.
`SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)^	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless^	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority^	of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People^	laugh at you a great deal.
`San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.^ `  Herb Caen
`San Francisco, n.:^	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
`Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.^ `  Mark Harrold
`Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,^	He must be a communist.^And a beard and long hair,^	Must be a pacifist.^^	What's in that pipe that he's smoking?^ `  Arlo Guthrie
`Satellite Safety Tip #14:^	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
`Sattinger's Law:^	It works better if you plug it in.
`Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,^	Is like being nowhere at all,^All through the day how the hours rush by,^	You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.^ `  John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
`Sauron is alive in Argentina!
`Save energy: be apathetic.
`Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
`Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
`"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I^ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.^ `  Steven Wright
`SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!^ `  Ken Thompson
`Schapiro's Explanation:^	The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's^because they use more manure.
`Schizophrenia beats being alone.
`Schlattwhapper, n.:^	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,^hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Schnuffel, n.:^	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in^mixed company.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Schwiggle, n.:^	The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a^pencil.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made^of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts^is not necessarily science.^ `  Henri Poincaire
`Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
`Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.^ `  William Buckley^
`SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)^	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will^	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of^	ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.
`Scott's first Law:^	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
`Scott's second Law:^	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found^to have been wrong in the first place.^^Corollary:^	After the correction has been found in error, it will be^impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
`Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!^Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?^Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.^Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?^Spock:	Affirmative.^Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.^Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
`Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
`Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the^Presidency.^ `  Richard Nixon
`Second Law of Business Meetings:^	If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you^will pick the wrong one.^^Corollary:^	If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it^wrong, anyway.
`"Section 2.4.3.5   AWNS   (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).^	In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a^multiline message byte.^	In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message^must be sent passive true.^	The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:^	(1)  The ANRS if DAV is false^	(2)  The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:^		(a)  The LADS is active^		(b)  Nor LACS is active"^^ `  from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for^		   Programmable Instrumentation
`Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
`Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.^She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,^Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,^Silently scheming,^Sightlessly seeking^Some savage, spectacular suicide.^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
`Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:^	Ice Cream cures all ills.
`Self Test for Paranoia:^	You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's^your own fault.
`Seminars, n.:^	From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
`Sen. Danforth:	"There is nothing on the face of the album which would^		notify you if the record has pornographics material or^		material glorifying violence?"^Tipper Gore:	"No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."^Frank Zappa:	"I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's^		legs on the album cover is good indication that it's^		not for little Johnny."^^ `  The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock^		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
`Senate, n.:^	A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and^misdemeanors.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`Serenity through viciousness.
`Serocki's Stricture:^	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
`Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
`	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated^thoughtfully.  "An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY^advice, I'd have said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."^	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.^	"Too proud?" the other enquired.^	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"^she said, "that one can't help growing older."^	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With^proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."^ `  Lewis Carroll
`Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a^big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at^reasonable prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's^build a home center.  And before long home centers were springing up^like crabgrass all over the United States.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
`Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.^ `  Swami X
`Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.^ `  M. C. Reed.
`Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,^it's one of the best.^ `  Woody Allen
`Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:^	A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the^temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.^	A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog^functionaries, and there's a joke about that:^	A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the^middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not to be^bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"^	The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I^am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks^he's nobody!"^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off^during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.^ `  Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every^		   Teen Should Know"
`Shaw's Principle:^	Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will^want to use it.
`"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."^ `  Gypsy Rose Lee
`She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.^ `  Mark Twain
`She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them^were bad.
`She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could^have poured on a waffle ...
`"She said, 'I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, 'That's nothing,^you should hear me play piano.'"^ `  Morrisey
`She's genuinely bogus.
`"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have^taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an^excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."^ `  Samuel Johnson
`SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!^POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
`Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is^playing golf with his boss.
`Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
`Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.^ `  from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
`Silverman's Law:^	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
`Simon's Law:^	Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
`Since I hurt my pendulum^My life is all erratic.^My parrot, who was cordial,^Is now transmitting static.^The carpet died, a palm collapsed,^The cat keeps doing poo.^The only thing that keeps me sane^Is talking to my shoe.^ `  My Shoe
`Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're^alive.^ `  John Sloan
`Since we're all here, we must not be all there.^ `  Bob "Mountain" Beck
`[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the^vices I admire.^ `  Winston Churchill
`Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate^Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically^excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.^This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.  He personally^examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the published^Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be^printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result provoked wry^comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had^no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
`Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):^	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,^or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should^have gotten.
`Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes^to work.
`Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,^when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and^apparently incoherent songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I^neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear.  They told a^tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension:  they^were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of^souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish.  Every tone was a^testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from^chains.^ `  Frederick Douglass
`Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:^	(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad^	    check.^	(2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.^	(3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is^	    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is^	    attracted to dark objects.
`Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
`Slurm, n.:^	The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when^it sits in the dish too long.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.^ `  Fletcher Knebel
`Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.^ `  Fletcher Knebel
`Snacktrek, n.:^	The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly^returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have^materialized.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate^your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and^hurl it into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast^array of 8-millimeter video equipment.^^... OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you^were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format^that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as^toenail dirt.  This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be^made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a^format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.^ `  Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics^		   Revolution"
`So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in^praise of intelligence.^ `  Bertrand Russell
`... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those^who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,^and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious^and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.^ `  Voltarine de Cleyre
`	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].^With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to^maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of^corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to^flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward^it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --^I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in^the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.^	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and^I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our^heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're^unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water^up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the^opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of^our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all^the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers^cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen^these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked^into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
`"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple^pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops^its head into the shop. "What! no soap?"  So he died, and she very^imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,^and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,^and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the^gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."^ `  Samuel Foote
`... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their^procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as^to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of^sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making^documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly^listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another^documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,^under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the^effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply^scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White^in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of^thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and^then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very^dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all^along.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
`So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?  And why can't he ever^remember his Bible?
`Sodd's Second Law:^	Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is^bound to occur.
`Software, n.:^	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
`Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
`Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.^ `  Ed Howe
`Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to^celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around^stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on^"The Waltons".  Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind^of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight.  The^government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level^Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and^billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which^it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming^thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with^the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large sum of money^and go to a mall.^ `  Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
`Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some^people have mediocrity thrust upon them.^ `  Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
`Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only^one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
`Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit^them on the head.
`Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
`Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when^you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even^worse.^ `  Avery
`Some points to remember [about animals]:^^(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,^    hippopotamuses;^(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the^    front of your clothes;^(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs^    you have just kicked.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`Some primal termite knocked on wood.^And tasted it, and found it good.^And that is why your Cousin May^Fell through the parlor floor today.^ `  Ogden Nash
`Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand^progress.
`Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand^progress.^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the^pens will multiply instead of disappear.
`Someone will try to honk your nose today.
`"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm^the only ashtray."
`Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.^ `  Lily Tomlin
`"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the^Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then^intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men^and women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our^best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are^we not God's Machineries of Joy?"^^"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."^ `  R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
`Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
`Song Title of the Week:^	"They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change^in me."
`Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.  (Those who have already^paid may disregard this fortune).
`Sorry, no fortune this time.
`Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
`Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-^bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the^road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.^ `  "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
`"Spare no expense to save money on this one."^ `  Samuel Goldwyn
`Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:^	If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as^if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question^back at him.
`Speak roughly to your little boy,^	And beat him when he sneezes:^He only does it to annoy^	Because he knows it teases.^^	Wow!  wow!  wow!^^I speak severely to my boy,^	And beat him when he sneezes:^For he can thoroughly enjoy^	The pepper when he pleases!^^	Wow!  wow!  wow!^ `  Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
`Speak roughly to your little VAX,^	And boot it when it crashes;^It knows that one cannot relax^	Because the paging thrashes!^^		Wow!  Wow!  Wow!^^I speak severely to my VAX,^	And boot it when it crashes;^In spite of all my favorite hacks^	My jobs it always thrashes!^^		Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
`Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
`Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.^ `  Dave Millman
`Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am^sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,^cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free^the middle third?  Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a^bit string and assign the result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a^controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before^passing it back?  Overlay three different types of variable on the same^memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a recursive macro?  Well,^no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language so obviously^designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
`Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:^^	With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair^	He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!^	And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down^	As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!^	Helpless users with projects due^	Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!^^	Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!^	Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"^^* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation^* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.^ `  Curtis Jackson
`Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently^these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people^to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't^communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so^on.  And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real^life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't^communicate.  I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least^he can do is to Shut Up!^ `  Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
`"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
`Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:^	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the^number of times you have looked at it.
`Spelling is a lossed art.
`Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
`Spirtle, n.:^	The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in^your eye.^ `  Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
`Spouse, n.:^	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you^wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
`"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist^drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the^greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll^take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"^ `  Harlan Ellison
`Stay away from flying saucers today.
`Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
`"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
`Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:^	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have^another drink.
`Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:^	Never test for an error condition you don't know how to^handle.
`Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
`Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only^take a bath ...
`Stult's Report:^	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is^fight the solutions.
`Stupid, n.:^	Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
`Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
`Sturgeon's Law:^	90% of everything is crud.
`Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your^editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.^ `  Mark Twain
`Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way^before it is understood.
`Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
`Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar^without his duck ...
`(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)^^	To code the impossible code,^	To bring up a virgin machine,^	To pop out of endless recursion,^	To grok what appears on the screen,^^	To right the unrightable bug,^	To endlessly twiddle and thrash,^	To mount the unmountable magtape,^	To stop the unstoppable crash!
`Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
`Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
`Support your local police force -- steal!!
`Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
`Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
`Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
`Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
`Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type^in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving^the room is punishable under law:^^Name	#
`Swahili, n.:^	The language used by the National Enquirer to print their^retractions.^ `  Johnny Hart
`Sweater, n.:^	A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
`Swipple's Rule of Order:^	He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
`Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`System/3!  System/3!^See how it runs!  See how it runs!^	Its monitor loses so totally!^	It runs all its programs in RPG!^	It's made by our favorite monopoly!^System/3!
`Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad^infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`      _^  _  / \			   o^ / \ | |		       o	   o		 o^ | | | |   _			o    o		       o       o^ | \_| |  / \		      o			    o	 o^  \__  |  | |		  o			      o^     | |  | |		 ______	  ~~~~		    _____^     | |__/ |	       / ___--\\ ~~~		 __/_____\__^     |	___/	      / \--\\  \\   \ ___	<__  x x  __\^     | |	     / /\\  \\	     ))	 \	   (  "	 )^     | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------^     | |   //	    | | //__________  /	   \	____)	(___	  \\^     | |  //	  __|_|	 ( --------- )	    //// ______ /////\	   \\^	 //	  |    (  \ ______  /	   <<<< <>-----<<<<< /	    \\^	//	 (     )		      / /	  \' \__     \\^       //-------------------------------------------------------------\\^^Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels^start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and^then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the^music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.^ `  H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
`T:	One big monster, he called TROLL.^	He don't rock, and he don't roll;^	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.^	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.^ `  The Roguelet's ABC
`Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a^hole in his head.
`Tact, n.:^	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
`Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
`Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting^enough cheese^ `  National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
`Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
`Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it^needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.^ `  Kipling
`Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content to sit^back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good^beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up^drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a^nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves^and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So^Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw^no need to improve ...^ `  Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
`Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to^your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,^and they'll call you crazy.^ `  "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
`Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.^ `  Euripides
`Talkers are no good doers.^ `  William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
`Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.^ `  Friedrich Nietzsche
`TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)^	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged^	determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are^	stubborn and bull headed.  You are a Communist.
`Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind^the tree."^ `  Russell Long
`Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself^out of the market.
`Taxes, n.:^	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get^an extension.
`Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he^grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
`Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
`Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means^for going backwards.^ `  Aldous Huxley
`Telephone, n.:^	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the^advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,^Is those things arms, or is they legs?^I marvel at thee, Octopus;^If I were thou, I'd call me us.^ `  Ogden Nash
`Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop^writing.^ `  R. Geis
`"Terence, this is stupid stuff:^You eat your victuals fast enough;^There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,^To see the rate you drink your beer.^But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,^It gives a chap the belly-ache.^The cow, the old cow, she is dead;^It sleeps well the horned head:^We poor lads, 'tis our turn now^To hear such tunes as killed the cow.^Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme^Your friends to death before their time.^Moping, melancholy mad:^Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."^ `  A. E. Housman
`"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a^surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one^hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other^hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."^ `  Len Cool, "American Pie"
`Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a^pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city^until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is^ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe^because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical^fact, for he merely said:^^	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because^	it is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain^	because it is impossible."^^Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of^philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.^ `  C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types^^(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
`Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
`Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
`"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even^one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."^ `  J. Finnegan, USC.
`Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.^ `  Pogo, by Walt Kelly
`"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"^ `  Foghorn Leghorn
`"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
`That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
`That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
`The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by^people who want some.^ `  Dwight MacDonald
`The Abrams' Principle:^	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
`The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper^ `  Thomas Jefferson
`The Advertising Agency Song:^^	When your client's hopping mad,^	Put his picture in the ad.^	If he still should prove refractory,^	Add a picture of his factory.
`"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug^someone with it."^ `  M. Devine, Computer Science 340
`... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that^consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune^of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to^listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas^River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little^Rock.
`The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.^Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed^and color, but also on ability.^ `  T. Lehrer
`The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.^ `  Bill Murray
`The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use^in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the^Declaration not for that, but for future use.^ `   Abraham Lincoln
`The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
`The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the^average man can see better than he can think.
`"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by^people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried^anything."^ `  Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
`The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than^cities.  Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and^difficult to park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,^which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --^here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO^RULES.  You're allowed to do anything.  You can drive as fast as you^want in any direction you want.  I was once driving in a mall parking^lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a^squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out^and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,^his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was^neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking^lots.^ `  Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
`The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit^called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in^writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind."  All patties would^be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices^immediately before serving.  The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a^bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special^Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of^paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12".  The Lunch or Dinner Patty^would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.^The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to^emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood^Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."^ `  Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
`The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";^but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
`The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.^ `  W. C. Fields
`The best defense against logic is ignorance.
`The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
`"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and^blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.^You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at^night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only^love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or^know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds.  There is only^one thing for it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what^wags it.  That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,^never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never^dream of regretting.  Learning is the only thing for you.  Look what a^lot of things there are to learn."^ `  T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
`The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them^is a match.^ `  Will Rogers
`The bigger the theory the better.
`The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse^time.^ `  Merrick Furst
`The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss^Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.^^It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners has been^known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,^in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two^under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the sight of^people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a^city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking^umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of^activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
`"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
`The bogosity meter just pegged.
`The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up^in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
`The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:^	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a^program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and^convert to the next higher units.
`The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.^Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in^automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.^ `  Art Buchwald
`The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding^bureaucracy.
`"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the^flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
`The camel has a single hump;^The dromedary two;^Or else the other way around.^I'm never sure.  Are you?^ `  Ogden Nash
`The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly^greater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed^inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner^party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."^ `  G. Fitch
`The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up^at the steam fitters' picnic.
`The chief cause of problems is solutions.
`The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.^ `  Alfred Adler
`The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will^walk carefully.^ `  Russian Proverb
`"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live^elsewhere."
`"The Computer made me do it."
`The computing field is always in need of new cliches.^ `  Alan Perlis
`The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his^memos.^ `  New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
`The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other^subversives.  We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up^every bird watcher in the country.^ `  John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
`The Consultant's Curse:^	When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him^what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong^medicine, and is normally only required once.
`The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is^none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."^Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.^Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you^talked about.^ `  Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
`The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
`The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going^down.
`The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to^eat.^ `  John McNulty
`The Crown is full of it!^ `  Nate Harris, 1775
`The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should^therefore be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could^hardly be propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to^declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ...  In war,^then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.^Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.^ `  William Ellery Channing
`The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
`The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of^us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching^Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
`The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
`The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
`"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell^into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him^out again, it would be a calamity."^ `  Benjamin Disraeli
`The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science^requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require^scholarship.^ `  Robert Heinlein
`The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the^following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:^^	"I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.^Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is^Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.^	"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.^Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.^Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.^Macaroons are very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is^goyish.  Lime soda is very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that^Jews won't go near them ..."^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on^a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
`The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man^really clever who has not found that he is stupid.^ `  Gilbert K. Chesterson
`The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show^off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his^next hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the^duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the^duck and returned it to his master.^	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.^	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't^swim."
`The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late^and owns the worm farm.^ `  Travis McGee
`The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
`The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and^add ten percent.
`The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on^weather forecasters.^ `  Jean-Paul Kauffmann
`"The eleventh commandment was 'Thou Shalt Compute' or 'Thou Shalt Not^Compute' -- I forget which."^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of^civilization.^ `  Ralph Waldo Emerson
`The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with^symposium to follow.
`The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach^their children to speak it.^ `  G. B. Shaw
`The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a^remarkable Christian forbearance among men.^ `  Ambrose Bierce
`The fact that it works is immaterial.^ `  L. Ogborn
`The faster we go, the rounder we get.^ `  The Grateful Dead
`The Fifth Rule:^	You have taken yourself too seriously.
`The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.^ `  Abbie Hoffman
`The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King^Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a^tragic death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad^forks.  Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously^fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of^threatening notes left on his breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked^suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of^foul play.  Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead^one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some were found strangled with^dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A few were found^drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown^and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have^thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture^of grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left^in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed^crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave^Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when^a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful^throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.^ `  Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
`The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of^management is that success equals skill.^ `  Robert Heller
`The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish^child, was propounded to me by my father:^	"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and^whistles?"^	I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity^gave up.^	"A herring," said my father.^	"A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"^	"So hang it there."^	"But a herring isn't green!"  I protested.^	"Paint it."^	"But a herring isn't wet."^	"If its just painted its still wet."^	"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring^doesn't whistle!!"^	"Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it^hard."^ `  Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
`"The first rule of magic is simple.  Don't waste your time waving your^hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."^ `  McCloctnik the Lucid
`The First Rule of Program Optimization:^	Don't do it.^^The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):^	Don't do it yet.^ `  Michael Jackson
`The first time, it's a KLUDGE!^The second, a trick.^Later, it's a well-established technique!^ `  Mike Broido, Intermetrics
`The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions^Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:^^As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of^logical blocks.  From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more^appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the^four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.^	. . .^Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible^blocks form a line parallel to the track axis.  This line moves^parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge^of the hyper-cube.
`The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by^a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
`"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and^vinyl."^ `  Dave Barry
`The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the^number of your kids by 32 teeth.
`The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to^chance.
`The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
`The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the^center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South^Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South^End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
`The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled^today.
`The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at^least until we've finished building it.
`The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature^is to build better mice.
`The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him^love and he invented marriage.
`THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES^	The one who has the gold makes the rules.
`"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who^make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians^have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine^man in the bonds of Hell."^ `  St. Augustine
`The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got^to be good.
`	"The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")^^On the good ship Enterprise^Every week there's a new surprise^Where the Romulans lurk^And the Klingons often go berserk.^^Yes, the good ship Enterprise^There's excitement anywhere it flies^Where Tribbles play^And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.^^	See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,^	Mr. Spock is at his side.^	The weekly menace, ooh-ooh^	It gets fried, scattered far and wide.^^It's the good ship Enterprise^Heading out where danger lies^And you live in dread^If you're wearing a shirt that's red.^	-- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
`The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of^statistics.  These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are^extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive^displays.  What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every^case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts^down anything he damn well pleases.^ `  Sir Josiah Stamp
`The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all^who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.^ `  Benjamin Franklin.
`The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:^	The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in^courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk^clerks.  Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods^of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp^Hedgehog Eater.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men^of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.^ `  Justice Louis D. Brandeis
`The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.^ `  Albert Einstein
`The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom^whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,^nohow.
`The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:^	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
`The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent^thinkers.
`The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,^which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at^least 5000 years old."
`The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for^lists of "Ten Best".^ `  H. Allen Smith
`"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and^has gills through which it can see."^ `  Monty Python
`The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity^-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
`The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange^protein -- it rejects it.^ `  P. Medawar
`The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can^remember.  Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider^struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in^spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and^wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head^off.  This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
`The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.^ `  Mark Twain
`The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that^procession but carrying a banner.^ `  Mark Twain
`The idea is to die young as late as possible.^ `  Ashley Montagu
`The idea is to die young as late as possible.^ `  Ashley Montague
`The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic^devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,^where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with^sledgehammers.  With their devices thus permanently destroyed,^consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than^have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones^repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist^of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic^devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"^ `  Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
`"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."^ `  Franco Spisani
`"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit^longer."^ `  Henry Kissinger
`The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf^has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know^when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.^ `  Will Rogers
`The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important^point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly^important thing to people.^ `  Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
`The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the^number of participants.^ `  Adam Walinsky
`The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided^by the number of people in the group.
`The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free^information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a^dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a^real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.^^So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never^pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big^consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...^ `  Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
`The Kennedy Constant:^	Don't get mad -- get even.
`The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
`The ladies men admire, I've heard,^Would shudder at a wicked word.^Their candle gives a single light;^They'd rather stay at home at night.^They do not keep awake till three,^Nor read erotic poetry.^They never sanction the impure,^Nor recognize an overture.^They shrink from powders and from paints ...^So far, I've had no complaints.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`"The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a^word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about^drugs.'^ `  Roy Blount, Jr.
`The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the^law free.^ `  Henry David Thoreau
`The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the^poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal^bread.^ `  Anatole France
`"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all^men should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the^universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we^presently imagine we own."^ `  H.G. Wells
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE^^SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language^Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for^Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code^with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,^END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make^a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus^they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without^the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP^^This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of^an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said^to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL^^SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.^Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they^compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the^coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom^sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to^compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but^infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE^^Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely^unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just^are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.^SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at^parties.
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-^^This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he^submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is^best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the^language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code^statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very^similar to COBOL.
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH^^FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types^refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and^JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and^BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,^CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.^^The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and^financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include^VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH^and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers^who end up using this language.
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE^^Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene^DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The^language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics^and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A^spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of^ours."^^The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have^almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the^organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to^exist.
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL^From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,^VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.^^Here is a sample program:^	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START^	IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND^	   VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN^		FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100^			DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)^			BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)^		SURE^	LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM^	REALLY^	LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)^	IM*SURE^	GOTO THE MALL^^When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:^^	GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
`	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK^^This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,^Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to^the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.^^The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs^while they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there^because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and^Perrier.^^Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle^and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower^case.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the^message:^	"i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can^	you find the time to try it again?"
`The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching^train.
`The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
`The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get^much sleep.^ `  Woody Allen
`The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.^ `  Henry Kissinger
`"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as^we could with both of them."^ `  Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
`The makers may make^and the users may use,^but the fixers must fix^with but minimal clues
`The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the^crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no^one has ever been.^ `  Alan Ashley-Pitt
`The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that^will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.^ `  Mark Twain.
`The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a^soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which^when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
`"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."^ `  Dave Barry
`The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
`	The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the^klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."^^	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"^^	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
`The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to^devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.^ `  Lew Mammel, Jr.
`The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might^be general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the^law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was^guaranteed thereby not to be a science.  He would cite as examples^Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking^Science, Social Science, and Computer Science.  Discuss the generality^of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive^power.^ `  Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking."
`The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.^ `  Laurence J. Peter
`The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.^ `  Nicol Williamson
`The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
`The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
`"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the^lower the mailing cost."^ `  Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
`The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and^robbers there will be.^ `  Lao Tsu
`The more things change, the more they stay insane.
`The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us^is right.
`The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.^ `  Andy Warhol
`"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and^to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."^ `  Theodore H. White
`The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new^discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."^ `  Isaac Asimov
`The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
`... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
`	"... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"^	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to^feel interested.^	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little^vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged^Aged Man.'"^	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"^Alice corrected herself.^	"No, you oughtn't:  that's quite another thing!  The song is^called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"^	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time^completely bewildered.^	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is^"A-sitting on a Gate":  and the tune's my own invention."^ `  Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
`"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in^1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."^ `  D. Letterman
`The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:^	Support your right to bare arms!
`The net of law is spread so wide,^No sinner from its sweep may hide.^Its meshes are so fine and strong,^They take in every child of wrong.^O wondrous web of mystery!^Big fish alone escape from thee!^ `  James Jeffrey Roche
`The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I^hope I don't get run over again.
`The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,^in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.^^	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for^	whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.^ `  Matthew 5:37
`"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The^Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.^The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive^and running the country ..."^ `  Robert J Woodhead
`The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to^choose from.^ `  Andrew S. Tanenbaum
`The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the^80-column card.^ `  Dennis M. Ritchie
`The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should^serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society^these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their^function is to serve as checks upon the state.^ `  Alan Barth
`The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are^correct.^ `  Ralph Hartley
`The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly^analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their^occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve^these problems when called upon.^^However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to^remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
`The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:^	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,^Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate^Planning."
`The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
`The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age^brings wisdom.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader^catch his own breath.^ `  Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
`The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when^to cringe.
`The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the^'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.^ `  Ernest Rutherford
`The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop^and take a rest.
`"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."^ `  Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and^		   Over and Over"
`The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
`The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber^has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,^finished, and put inside boxes.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any^use to oneself.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from^history."^		-- Hegel^^"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the^long view."^ `  John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
`The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up^until 5 or 6 p.m.
`The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.^ `  Bohr
`The optimum committee has no members.^ `  Norman Augustine
`The optimum committee has no members.^ `  Norman Augustine
`"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost^went back in time."^ `  Steven Wright
`The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because^it isn't here.^ `  Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
`The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it^were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the^Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a^large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to 'tender and dress'^it.  The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the^apparatus for a spectator sport.^^	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for^castrating pigs during Sunday service.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`The Pig, if I am not mistaken,^Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.^Let others think his heart is big,^I think it stupid of the Pig.^ `  Ogden Nash
`The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter^swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the^batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The^center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute^his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.^ `  Dizzy Dean
`The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.^ `  David Lardner
`The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish^to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it^is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of^courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own^preferences.  Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper^social function of expressing true distaste.^ `  Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to^		   Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
`"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more^often."
`The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,^	Were each of them once a kiddie.^A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.^	Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!^ `  Ogden Nash
`The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his^brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is^Jews!".  Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.^ `  Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
`The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday^they might force their beliefs on us.^ `  Mario Cuomo
`The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired^warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by^changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped^marker.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to^constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every^appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA^statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This^also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.^ `  FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
`The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough^voters to win the next election.
`The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO"^represents the secondary theme:^^	Law Enforcement Officials^^The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:^^	Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
`... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from^other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in^charity we can only call "inhuman."^ `  R. A. Lafferty
`The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the^stupidity of your action.
`The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.^Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil^using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle^Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,^etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous^bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None^of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats^developed cancer.^ `  Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
`The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go^to erase it.^ `  Glaser and Way
`The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get^results.^^The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy^problems in order to get results.^^The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy^problems in order to get results.
`The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be^pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.^ `  Elizabeth Taylor
`The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
`The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's^outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by^mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once^tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims^the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`"The pyramid is opening!"^"Which one?"^"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"^ `  Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At^		   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
`The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:^	"My brain is paged out to my liver"
`The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is^it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,^that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of^industrial waste?^ `  Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
`The rain it raineth on the just^	And also on the unjust fella,^But chiefly on the just, because^	The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
`The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is^cursed.
`The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
`The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",^which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape^Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil^Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.^ `  Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
`The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one^persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all^progress depends on the unreasonable man.^ `  George Bernard Shaw
`The revolution will not be televised.
`The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.^ `  Emerson
`The rhino is a homely beast,^For human eyes he's not a feast.^Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,^I'll stare at something less prepoceros.^ `  Ogden Nash
`The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This^means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
`"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests^and to his imagination for his facts."^ `  Sheridan
`The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.^ `  Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
`"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the^House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights^you have and what rights you have not got."^ `  J. Parnell Thomas
`The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with^sloppy analysis!
`The Roman Rule^	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the^	one who is doing it.
`The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in^his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on^one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't^take it too seriously.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or^give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.^ `  Jane Bryant Quinn
`"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
`The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100^showed that all had these things in common:^^	(1) They all had moderate appetites.^	(2) They all came from middle class homes^	(3) All but two of them were dead.
`The scum also rises.^ `  Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
`The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,^respectability and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones^from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the^milestones are lifted.^ `  George Bernard Shaw
`	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood^as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.^The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in^the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in^twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.^^	"Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached^everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a^fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --^and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."^^	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.^^	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."^ `  Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
`The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
`The shortest distance between two points is under construction.^ `  Noelie Alito
`The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:^	The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going^in a direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long^way.)^ `  Dan Roddick
`"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity^and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted^activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...^neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
`"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their^money."^ `  Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
`"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
`The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be^able to correct them.^ `  Nicolaides
`The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
`The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's^readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of^some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet^reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led^the field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well^known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at^Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program^of preparation and incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of^psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three^Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick.  That^these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a^further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want^something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from^the Russians.^ `  Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
`		The STAR WARS Song^	Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:^^I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah^Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda^	S-O-D-A soda^I saw the little runt sitting there on a log^I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda^	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda^^Well I've been around but I ain't never seen^A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green^	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda^Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand^How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand^	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
`The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
`The steady state of disks is full.^ `  Ken Thompson
`		      THE STORY OF CREATION^			       or^			 THE MYTH OF URK^^In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,^and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM^was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be^registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;^and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data^Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening^and there was morning, one interrupt ...^ `  Rico Tudor
`The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make^them unsafe.^ `  Mayor Frank Rizzo
`"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and^is an emerging underachiever."
`The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant^biology.
`"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there aren't^even any property taxes."^ `  J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
`The sum of the Universe is zero.
`The sun was shining on the sea,^Shining with all his might:^He did his very best to make^The billows smooth and bright --^And this was very odd, because it was^The middle of the night.^ `  Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
`The superfluous is very necessary.^ `  Voltaire
`The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.^ `  Mark Twain
`The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our^authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as^the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as^the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much^radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much^as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we^receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the^Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will^heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to^the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much^heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for^radiation, (H/E)`^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the^earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell^cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the^fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which^burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means^that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We^have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.^ `  From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
`The Third Law of Photography:^	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined^when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark^leaks out.
`The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:^^The First Law:	You can't get anything without working for it.^The Second Law:	The most you can accomplish by working is to break^		even.^The Third Law:	You can only break even at absolute zero.
`		The Three Major Kind of Tools^^* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or^  jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a^  manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,^  bludgeons, and truncheons.)^^* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)^^* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far^  greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.^  (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses^  any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`The trouble with a kitten is that^When it grows up, it's always a cat^ `  Ogden Nash.
`The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
`The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate^it.^ `  Franklin P. Jones
`The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing^more important to do.
`The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody^appreciates how difficult it was.
`The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.^ `  Ken Kesey
`The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.^ `  Lenny Bruce
`The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And^vice versa.
`The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks^Which practically conceal its sex.^I think it clever of the turtle^In such a fix to be so fertile.^ `  Ogden Nash
`"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and^stupidity."
`The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more^annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are^"100 percent American"...^ `  U. S. Army (1945)
`The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to^everybody and still nobody likes him.^ `  Jim Samuels
`The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be^broken.
`The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the^combination is locked up in the safe.^ `  Peter DeVries
`The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie^Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said^to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his^decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
`The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and^religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging^from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its^yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the^world put together.^ `  Sir Peter Medawar
`The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be^regarded as a criminal offense.^ `  E. W. Dijkstra
`The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes^the worst cigars.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid^prejudice.^ `  Mark Twain
`The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.^Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts^to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to^be one of the facts that needs altering.^ `  Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
`"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
`"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,^it's just a tired feeling:"
`The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
`"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity^that would be clearly understood."^ `  Alexander Haig
`"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start^with a large fortune."
`The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,^	Like Jaspar wine and sugar,^It must have blown through someone's feet,^	Like those of Caspar Weinberger.^ `  P. Opus
`	THE WOMBAT^^The wombat lives across the seas,^Among the far Antipodes.^He may exist on nuts and berries,^Or then again, on missionaries;^His distant habitat precludes^Conclusive knowledge of his moods.^But I would not engage the wombat^In any form of mortal combat.
`The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
`The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
`The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
`The world's as ugly as sin,^And almost as delightful^ `  Frederick Locker-Lampson
`The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of^four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all^the answers.
`Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.^^He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,^then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open^market.^^If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should^not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.^^Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.^Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.^Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.^ `  Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
`Then here's to the City of Boston,^The town of the cries and the groans.^Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,^And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.^ `  Franklin Pierce Adams
`	THEORY^Into love and out again,^	Thus I went and thus I go.^Spare your voice, and hold your pen:^	Well and bitterly I know^All the songs were ever sung,^	All the words were ever said;^Could it be, when I was young,^	Someone dropped me on my head?^ `  Dorothy Parker
`There *is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
`There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,^and praiseworthy ...^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They all own^cats.
`There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis^are chosen correctly.
`There are no games on this system.
`There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the^existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any^marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat^engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is^obviously impossible.^		 `  Richard Davisson
`There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the^truth without lying.
`There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a^vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.^ `  Gloria Steinem
`	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that^someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named^Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or^Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that^every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is^this?^	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for^centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you^can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's^forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster^-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't^even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover^why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.^ `  Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
`"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both^plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;^and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,^don't we all?"
`"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells^and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated^pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving^them parched for wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you^stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your^intelligence."^ `  The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
`There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.^ `  Disraeli
`"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away^from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone^loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
`There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be^offered: entertainment, food, and affection.  It is customary to begin^a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount^of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.  As the amount of^affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.^When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.^Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.^ `  Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
`"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and^engineers.  While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far^the more certain."^ `  Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
`There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring^the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many^facts.  Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next^fact; that's science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent^Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's^Factor; that's engineering.
`There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I^can't remember.^ `  Italo Svevo
`There are three ways to get something done:^	(1) Do it yourself.^	(2) Hire someone to do it for you.^	(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
`There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire^someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
`There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is^one of them.
`There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect^the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the^sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.^ `  Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
`There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good^sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.^ `  Woody Allen
`"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to^make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the^other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious^deficiencies."^ `  C. A. R. Hoare
`"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the^other is to read Pope."^ `  Oscar Wilde
`There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one^works.
`There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a^suitable application of high explosives.
`There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.^ `  R. W. Gerard
`There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.^ `  Henry Kissinger
`There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer^than 100.^ `  Steele's Law
`There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know^nothing about.
`There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an^opinion.^ `  Anatole France
`There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of^paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
`There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
`There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs^tied during the month of April.
`There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.^ `  Walt Disney
`"There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,^Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and^love of the Fatherland."^ `  Adolf Hitler
`There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe^is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly^inexplicable."^^There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."^ `  Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
`There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly^what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly^disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and^inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has^already happened.^ `  Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
`"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a^vacuum."^ `  Arthur C. Clarke
`There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.^ `  Mark Twain
`There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the^tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not^abuse it.  So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and^war hold him in check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five,^of course.^ `  Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
`"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their^home."^ `  Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society^		   Convention, 1977
`There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it^ `  G. B. Shaw
`There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast^reflexes.
`There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
`There is no time like the pleasant.
`There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be^doing.
`There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.^There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS   I'm very probably wrong.
`"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"^said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.  "And yet just^a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable^question," said Nasrudin.  "I could have answered it if I had been^there." "Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in^the middle of the night?'"
`There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the^ocean level wouldn't cure.^ `  Ross MacDonald
`There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and^that is not being talked about.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale^returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.^ `  Mark Twain
`There once was a girl named Irene^Who lived on distilled kerosene^	But she started absorbin'^	A new hydrocarbon^And since then has never benzene.
`There once was a member of Mensa^Who was a most excellent fencer.^	The sword that he used^	Was his -- (line is refused,^And has now been removed by the censor).
`There once was an old man from Esser,^Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.^	It at last grew so small,^	He knew nothing at all,^And now he's a College Professor.
`"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved^it."^ `  C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
`There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were^left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.^Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they^started debating who should be allowed to stay.^^The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all^over the world, the President explained that if he died then America^would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley^said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair^thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97^votes.
`There was a young lady from Hyde^Who ate a green apple and died.^	While her lover lamented^	The apple fermented^And made cider inside her inside.
`There was a young man who said "God,^I find it exceedingly odd,^	That the willow oak tree^	Continues to be,^When there's no one about in the Quad."^^"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,^For I'm always about in the Quad;^	And that's why the tree,^	Continues to be,"^Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
`There was a young poet named Dan,^Whose poetry never would scan.^	When told this was so,^	He said, "Yes, I know.
`There was a young poet named Dan,^Whose poetry never would scan.^	When told this was so,^	He said, "Yes, I know.^It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
`"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:^both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to^talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him^during the trial."^ `  David Letterman
`There were in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of^the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-^digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the^8-cent postcard.  The second was responsible for such things as the^transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity^stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative^feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching^systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the^first electrical digital computer, and the first communications^satellite.  Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the^telephone business?
`There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not^a fence.
`There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
`There's little in taking or giving,^	There's little in water or wine:^This living, this living, this living,^	Was never a project of mine.^Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is^	The gain of the one at the top,^For art is a form of catharsis,^	And love is a permanent flop,^And work is the province of cattle,^	And rest's for a clam in a shell,^So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --^	Would you kindly direct me to hell?^ `  Dorothy Parker
`There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our^whole lives, win, lose, or draw.^ `  Walt Kelly
`There's no future in time travel
`There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.^ `  Dr. Who
`There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get^any worse.
`There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
`There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government^working for you.^ `  Will Rodgers
`"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead^armadillos."^ `  Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
`"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't^aggravate."
`There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn^what it is I'll get married again.^ `  Clint Eastwood
`There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is^becoming an endangered synthetic.^ `  Lily Tomlin
`"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"^"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"^"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP^out of MEGATON MAN!"
`These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they^used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
`They also surf who only stand on waves.
`"They make a desert and call it peace."^ `  Tacitus (55?-120?)
`They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners^always spell better than they pronounce.^ `  Mark Twain
`"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary^safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."^ `  Benjamin Franklin, 1759
`"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
`They told me you had proven it		When they discovered our results^	About a month before.			Their hair began to curl^The proof was valid, more or less	Instead of understanding it^	But rather less than more.		We'd run the thing through PRL.^^He sent them word that we would try	Don't tell a soul about all this^	To pass where they had failed		For it must ever be^And after we were done, to them		A secret, kept from all the rest^	The new proof would be mailed.		Between yourself and me.^^My notion was to start again^	Ignoring all they'd done^We quickly turned it into code^	To see if it would run.
`They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
`"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult^to like."^ `  Avon
`Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
`Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
`Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
`Think honk if you're a telepath.
`Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
`Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer^crashes.
`Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
`"Thirty days hath Septober,^April, June, and no wonder.^all the rest have peanut butter^except my father who wears red suspenders."
`This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
`This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,^please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random^characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with^something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be^more profound than THIS program has ever been.
`This fortune intentionally not included.
`This fortune is false.
`This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
`"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,^regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling^keys ..."
`"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT^DOG."^ `  Bob Violence
`"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an^actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
`This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,^because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under^which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has^"deregulated" the airline industry.  What this means for you, the^consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any^rules whatsoever.  They can show snuff movies.  They can charge for^oxygen.  They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill^Person School.  They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers^over water.  They can ram competing planes in mid-air.  These^innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been^passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with^amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do^apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,^and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.^ `  Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
`This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
`This is for all ill-treated fellows^	Unborn and unbegot,^For them to read when they're in trouble^	And I am not.^ `  A. E. Housman
`"This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back^to one."^ `  Prof. Seager, C&O 351
`This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
`THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM^^If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your^contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue^without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are^contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We^can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money^for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the^difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight^and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to^"fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before^you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.^Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute^30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The^Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or^more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
`This is the LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
`This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the^power of computers:^^Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct^the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a^minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The^results are that one should eat each day:^^	1/2 chicken^	1 egg^	1 glass of skim milk^	27 heads of lettuce.^ `  Rev. Adrian Melott
`This is the story of the bee^Whose sex is very hard to see^^You cannot tell the he from the she^But she can tell, and so can he^^The little bee is never still^She has no time to take the pill^^And that is why, in times like these^There are so many sons of bees.
`This is your fortune.
`This land is full of trousers!^this land is full of mausers!^	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!^ `  Firesign Theater
`This land is made of mountains,^This land is made of mud,^This land has lots of everything,^For me and Elmer Fudd.^^This land has lots of trousers,^This land has lots of mousers,^And pussycats to eat them^When the sun goes down.
`This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,^you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where^to go.
`This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
`This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with^great force.^ `  Dorothy Parker
`This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of^the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many^solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were^largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,^which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of^paper that were unhappy.^ `  Douglas Adams
`"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does^something child-like."^ `  Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
`This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland^student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.^^	One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use^	Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one^	computer language to another and has a built-in editing system^	which identifies errors in the original program.
`This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.^ `  Hofstadter
`... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives^as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as^determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.  Eighties people^buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an '80s^couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three^weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,^they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent^restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of^excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going^off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn't have^a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.^ `  Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
`This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget^it.
`	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire^rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better^than he does.^	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about^it.  I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily^sane.  But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we^consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is^being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.^	The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can^do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his^honor.  From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can^be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public^relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter^Thompson's disease.  I don't have it this morning.  It comes and goes.^This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.^ `  Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt^		   from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear^		   and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
`Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those^of us who do.
`Those who can't write, write manuals.
`Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
`"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."^ `  French Proverb
`Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.^ `  Henry Spencer
`Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,^for these only gave life, those the art of living well.^ `  Aristotle
`Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often^surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.^ `  Mark B. Cohen
`Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
`Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent^revolution inevitable.^ `  John F. Kennedy
`Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are^men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean^without the roar of its many waters.^ `  Frederick Douglass
`Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are^the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with^Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --^whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A^fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any^more about the matter than the others.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Time flies like an arrow^Fruit flies like a banana
`Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
`Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.^ `  Ford Prefect
`Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at^once.
`'Tis the dream of each programmer,^Before his life is done,^To write three lines of APL,^And make the damn things run.
`		(to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")^Scratch the disks, dump the core,	Shut it down, pull the plug^Roll the tapes across the floor,	Give the core an extra tug^And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.^Teletypes smashed to bits.		Mem'ry cards, one and all,^Give the scopes some nasty hits		Toss out halfway down the hall^And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.^And we've also found			Just flip one switch^When you turn the power down,		And the lights will cease to twitch^You turn the disk readers into trash.	And the tape drives will crumble^						in a flash.^Oh, it's so much fun,			When the CPU^Now the CPU won't run			Can print nothing out but "foo,"^And the system is going to crash.	The system is going to crash.
`	To A Quick Young Fox:^Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,^Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?^Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --^Zow!  Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.^ `  Lazy Dog
`To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
`To be is to do.^		-- I. Kant^To do is to be.^		-- A. Sartre^Yabba-Dabba-Doo!^		-- F. Flinstone
`"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore^this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to^offer in response is based on information available to make no such^statement."
`To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,^call it the target.
`To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
`"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
`To err is human, to moo bovine.
`To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.^ `  B. Duggan
`To generalize is to be an idiot.^ `  William Blake
`To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three^men, two of them absent.
`To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.^ `  Thomas Edison
`To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
`To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
`To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide^a test load.
`To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional^system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,^inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:^precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,^uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,^well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures^of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very^secure ecological niche.^ `  Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
`To understand this important story, you have to understand how the^telephone company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local^computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is^in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the^lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.^^Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it^suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the^computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the^one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe^break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid^incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,^an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca^pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's^loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen^and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.^ `  Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own^		   Phones?"
`"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
`"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."^ `  Woody Allen
`Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
`Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
`Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
`Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
`Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
`Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?^^And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?^ `  Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
`"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new^cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more ^spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."^ `  Bob & Ray
`"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word^except in major motion pictures."^ `  Dave Barry, "$#$%#`^%!`^%&@%@!"
`Toilet Toupee, n.:^	Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus^creating endless annoyance to male users.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
`Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
`Too clever is dumb.^ `  Ogden Nash
`Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.^ `  Mae West
`Too much of everything is just enough.^ `  Bob Wier
`Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available^briefcases.^ `  Governor Jerry Brown
`Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the^earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.^As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.^Please...^^			CONSERVE GRAVITY^^Follow these simple suggestions:^^(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.^(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.^(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like^     curling.^(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.^(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big^     pile.^(6)  Stop flipping pancakes
`Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
`Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live^in eucalyptus trees.
`Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant^intelligence.^ `  Henrik Tikkanen
`Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.^ `  Mark Twain
`Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
`Truthful, adj.:^	Dumb and illiterate.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.^ `  Charles Schulz
`Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no^good.
`Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done,^is it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written^in four tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and^pretense.  Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),^defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the^absolutely perfect future.^ `  Amrom Katz
`Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
`Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only^specification is that it should run noiselessly.
`Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.^ `  Alan Watts
`Trying to establish voice contact ... please yell into keyboard.
`Turnaucka's Law:^	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its^electrical cord.
`Tussman's Law:^	Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
`TV is chewing gum for the eyes.^ `  Frank Lloyd Wright
`'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks^Did gyre and gimble in their cave^All mimsy was the CS-VAX^And Cory raths outgrabe.^^"Beware the software rot, my son!^The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!^Beware the broken pipe, and shun^The frumious system crash!"
`		'Twas the Night before Crisis^^'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,^	Not a program was working not even a browse.^The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,^	Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.^The users were nestled all snug in their beds,^	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.^When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,^	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.^And what to my wondering eyes should appear,^	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.^More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,^	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;^On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!^	On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!^His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,^	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.^A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,^	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
`'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period^   preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And^   throughout our place of residence,^Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the^   possessors of this potential, including that^   species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.^Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward^   edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,^Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an^   imminent visitation from an eccentric^   philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations^   is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
`Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.^ `  Walt Kelly
`Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.^ `  Howard Kandel
`Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man^said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation."  The^second man said, "He bit it himself."  Nasrudin withdrew to his^chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded^only in falling over and bruising his forehead.  Returning to the^courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.^If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is^dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and^must pay three silver pieces."
`Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
`"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.^I forget the second."
`Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
`U:	There's a U -- a Unicorn!^	Run right up and rub its horn.^	Look at all those points you're losing!^	UMBER HULKS are so confusing.^ `  The Roguelet's ABC
`"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."^^(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)^ `  Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
`UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
`"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"^^"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,^right?"^ `  MacNelley, "Shoe"
`Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:^	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a^hammer or get a splinter in it.
`Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:^	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a^hammmer or get a splinter in it.
`Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a^just man is also a prison.^ `  Henry David Thoreau
`Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a^just man is also in prison.^ `  Henry David Thoreau
`Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it^can wait.  Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
`Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:^	Superiority is recessive.
`Unfair animal names:^^-- tsetse fly			-- bullhead^-- booby			-- duck-billed platypus^-- sapsucker			-- Clarence^ `  Gary Larson
`United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the^Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of^all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of^all the patriots of every persuasion.^^Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the^world.^ `  Isaac Asimov
`Universe, n.:^	The problem.
`University, n.:^	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's^usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to^fix it, and ...
`unix soit qui mal y pense
`UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on^Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).^ `  Andy Tannenbaum
`Unnamed Law:^	If it happens, it must be possible.
`Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out^twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.^ `  H. L. Mencken
`Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
`User n.:^	A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
`USER, n.:^	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."^ `  Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
`Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.^ `  S. C. Johnson
`Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,^opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.^ `  Doug Larson
`Vail's Second Axiom:^	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the^amount of work already completed.
`Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...^Tom:	 I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...^ `  Tom Chapin
`Van Roy's Law:^	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
`Vanilla, adj.:^	Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food,^very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla^extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply^"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot^and sour won ton soup.
`Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:^	(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only^	    once.^	(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data^	    points.
`Veni, Vidi, Visa.
`	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past^year strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley^reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their^artichoke hearts.  There has been a hot day in December and a blue^moon.  Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon^Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen.  The earth splits and the^entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots.  The face of the^sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."^^	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.^^	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made^good copy."^ `  Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
`Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
`Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."^Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes^      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
`Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.^ `  Salvor Hardin
`Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the^yard.
`VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)^	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to^	ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this^	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you^	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of^	that old underwear you own.
`VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)^	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is^	sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and^	sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus^	drivers.
`"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
`Virtue is its own punishment.
`Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving^from where you left them to where you can't find them.
`Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
`VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
`Vote anarchist
`Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and^TAX-DEFERRED!
`VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
`^	*** System shutdown message from root ***^^System going down in 60 seconds^^
`"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."^ `  Mark Twain
`Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"^1st customer: "I'll have tea."^2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"^	(Waiter exits, returns)^Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
`Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
`War hath no fury like a non-combatant.^ `  Charles Edward Montague
`War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
`		WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:^^Firings will continue until morale improves.
`	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:^^Firings will continue until morale improves.
`WARNING:^	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your^mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on^your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
`Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for^those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking^up.^ `  Chicago Reader 4/22/83
`Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
`Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.^ `  John F. Kennedy
`Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
`Wasting time is an important part of living.
`Watson's Law:^	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the^number and significance of any persons watching it.
`We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which^divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being^correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.^ `  Niels Bohr
`We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.^ `  Winston Churchill
`We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.^ `  Whole Earth Catalog
`We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.^ `  Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
`We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to^socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The^bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say^socialism?^ `  Fidel Castro
`"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last^theorem."^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."^ `  Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
`We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
`We can predict everything, except the future.
`We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is^deceased.  My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.^ `  James E. Day, Postmaster General
`"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"^ `  Vroomfondel
`"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
`We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a^fish.
`We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the^hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
`We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?^ `  I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
`"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an^hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down^mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on^our grave singing Haleleuia ..."^ `  Monty Python
`We have met the enemy, and he is us.^ `  Walt Kelly
`We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get^back to normal, and that they already have.
`"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his^hands for masturbation."^ `  Lily Tomlin
`We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an^official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death^Flu".  You may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish^you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that^said "ELECTROCUTION".^^Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your^teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing^process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a^couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways^out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste^stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom^floor, which is how the police would find you.^^You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.^ `  Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
`We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all^purely intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start^with?  Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the^playing of chess, would be best.  It can also be maintained that it is^best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can^buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.^ `  Alan M. Turing
`We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always^respect their good judgement.
`We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass^no matter how self-seeking.^ `  F. G. Withington
`We ought to be very grateful that we have tools.  Millions of years ago^people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.^For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had^to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare^fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with^primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how^ugly paneling is to begin with.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best^friends are trying to kill us.
`	We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.^But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle^Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...^	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of^her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I^had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone^told him, "You ride the bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was^lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he^fought me.  And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing^what men must do. ...^	"Stop the car," the girl said.  There was a look of terrible^sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the woman of the tollway.  I knew^not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a^quiet and peace I will never forget.^	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the^tollway belle's for thee."^	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was^a lie.  Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I^poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.^ `  Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway^		   Competition
`We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one^technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
`we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,^we will cry over things we used to laugh &^our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile^creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &^in the end a summer with wild winds &^new friends will be.
`We wish you a Hare Krishna^We wish you a Hare Krishna^We wish you a Hare Krishna^And a Sun Myung Moon!^ `  Maxwell Smart
`"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
`We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from^the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging^you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right^in his bowl full of jelly.^ `  Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
`We're only in it for the volume.^ `  Black Sabbath
`We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center^of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,^but for some reason nobody's ever done it.^ `  Andy Rooney
`Weiler's Law:^	Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it^himself.
`Weinberg's First Law:^	Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
`Weinberg's Principle:^	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while^sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
`Weinberg's Second Law:^	If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,^then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
`Weiner's Law of Libraries:^	There are no answers, only cross references.
`Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.  He'll come in handy if^you run out of food.^ `  Dean McLaughlin.
`Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a^lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a^governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the^reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top^contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination.  These men^will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the^most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and^appearing on "Meet the Press".  "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday^morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit^interested in.  It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a^guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through^the entire show without answering a single question ...^ `  Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
`Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them^back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,^or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they^they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.^ `  President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
`"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can*^you believe?!"^ `  Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
`Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,^	And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;^I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,^	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.^^If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,^	Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,^'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.^	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.^^On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,^	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.^Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,^	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.^ `  Core Dumped Blues
`"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"^^"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...^coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."^ `  Dr. Who
`"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is^no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five^hundred."^ `  The Mahabharata.
`Westheimer's Discovery:^	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a^couple of hours in the library.
`Wethern's Law:^	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
`"What are we going to do?"^^"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking for^something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a^short initiation period."
`"What are you doing?"^^"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something^that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short^initiation period."
`What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
`	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty^teenager asked her mother.^	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
`What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
`What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
`What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
`What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
`"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so^that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our^country. Nice try anyway, George."^ `  D.J. on KSFO/KYA
`What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the^entrance?
`What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow^in his footsteps?
`What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower^stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed^barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character^from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of^while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our^dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up^powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the^bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any^one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact^lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where^you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",^if you get my drift.  Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with^that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;^they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to^flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.^ `  Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
`What I tell you three times is true.
`"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-^sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up^with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always^came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at^parties.^ `  Dave Barry, "$#$%#`^%!`^%&@%@!"
`What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
`"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."^ `  R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
`What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I^definitely overpaid for my carpet.^ `  Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
`What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's^worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?^ `  Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
`What is a magician but a practising theorist?^ `  Obi-Wan Kenobi
`What is mind?  No matter.^What is matter?  Never mind.^ `  Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
`What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern^computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest^and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
`"What is the Nature of God?"^^    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=^    1 QT. SOUR CREAM^    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT^    1/2 CUT CHIVES.^    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.^^"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."^ `  Bloom County
`"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"^ `  Bertold Brecht
`"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,^which is the exact opposite."^ `  Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
`What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
`What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing^to compare it with.
`What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.^It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books^and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes^and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,^women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate^mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige^and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."^ `  Susan Gordon
`What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?^ `  Ursula K. LeGuin
`What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
`What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
`What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
`What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent^bagel.
`What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
`What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
`What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
`What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
`What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
`What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
`What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?^ `  Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
`What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which^nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday^Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-^launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just^remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual^process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still^be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.^ `  Dave Barry, "$#$%#`^%!`^%&@%@!"
`What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
`"What's another word for Thesaurus?"^ `  Steven Wright
`	"What's that thing?"^	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in^computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what^it does.  We call it a two-by-four."^ `  Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
`"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"^ `  Dr. Who
`"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"^ `  The Doctor
`Whatever became of eternal truth?
`Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for^cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils^as far as they will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding^hundred dollar bills."^ `  Herb Caen
`Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  What I can pry loose is not^nailed down.^ `  Collis P. Huntingdon
`"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not^cockroaches!"^ `  Mom
`When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the^money is.^ `  Robespierre
`When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the^thing," it's the money.^ `  Kim Hubbard
`When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half^loop?
`When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is^not far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space^travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.^ `  Robert Heinlein
`When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the^sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain^relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.^ `  Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle^		   Maintenance"
`When all other means of communication fail, try words.
`"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo^tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"^ `  Reuben Flagg
`When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before^the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."^ `  Vine Deloria, Jr.
`When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I^think it was a Tuesday.
`When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to^guarantee them.
`"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great^parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if^I'm leaving."^ `  Steven Wright
`When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a^year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire^winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.^ `  Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
`When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young^ladies, and, of course, the goat.
`When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now^I'm beginning to believe it.^ `  Clarence Darrow
`When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you^take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come^and get you."^ `  Jerry Lewis
`"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any^firearms with me.  I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"^ `  Steven Wright
`When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into^the soul of the boy sitting next to me.^ `  Woody Allen
`When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an^act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A^group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a^six-year-old.  "It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things^together which not one of you would think of doing alone."  ...^Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective^responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military^establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have^been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things^together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.^ `  Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
`When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened^or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I^cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to^go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.^ `  Mark Twain
`When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
`"When in doubt, tell the truth."^ `  Mark Twain
`When in doubt, use brute force.^ `  Ken Thompson
`When in panic, fear and doubt,^Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
`When love is gone, there's always justice.^And when justice is gone, there's always force.^And when force is gone, there's always Mom.^Hi, Mom!^ `  Laurie Anderson
`When Marriage is Outlawed,^Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
`When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment^results.^ `  Calvin Coolidge
`When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony^concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --^and I find I mind it less and less."^ `  Louise Andrews Kent
`When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:^for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when^your boss is away and you get twice as much done.^ `  Daniel B. Luten
`When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only^say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
`"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"^ `  Jon Carroll
`When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you^modify the problem, not the remedy.
`When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,^the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a^nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.^ `  Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
`When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is^metaphysics.^ `  Voltaire
`When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the^stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them^from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones^were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the^corners as bodies of a lower grade ...^ `  Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
`When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the^plane will fly.^ `  Donald Douglas
`When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most^insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are^required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and^exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.^ `  George Bernard Shaw
`When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is^not hereditary.^ `  Thomas Paine
`When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --^except our fingertips will have been singed.^ `  Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
`When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of^investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,^so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or^swayed, directly to the goal.^ `  Amrom Katz
`"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
`When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
`When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.^ `  Harry Truman
`	When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure^clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer^to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.^	In a way, the next move is up to him.^ `  R. A. Lafferty
`"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." ^ `  Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
`When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by^asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't^know the answer either.^ `  Edgar R. Fiedler
`When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.^ `  The Wall Street Journal
`When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the^impression you will make.
`When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,^Wretched, bored, dejected; only^Here's the rub, my darling dear^I feel the same when you are near.^ `  Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
`When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
`Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".^ `  Dave Parnas
`Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to^see it tried on him personally.^ `  A. Lincoln
`Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.^ `  Oscar Wilde
`Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last^you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his^Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.^ `  Mark Twain^		   "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
`Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time^to reform.^ `  Mark Twain
`WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE^^	Oh, dear, where can the matter be^	When it's converted to energy?^	There is a slight loss of parity.^	Johnny's so long at the fair.
`Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what^is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.^ `  John Kenneth Galbraith
`Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
`Whether you can hear it or not^The Universe is laughing behind your back^ `  National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
`Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
`While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is^admission to someone else.
`While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,^The fate of empires and the fall of kings;^While quacks of State must each produce his plan,^And even children lisp the Rights of Man;^Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,^The Rights of Woman merit some attention.^ `  Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",^		   November 26, 1792
`While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
`While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't^keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.^ `  Edward Stevenson
`While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own^form of misery.
`While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining^position.
`While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their^correctness never does.
`While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very^reassuring to know that it's still there.
`While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are^safe, for you can watch both of his.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Whistler's Law:^	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in^charge.
`"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new^Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
`Who made the world I cannot tell;^'Tis made, and here am I in hell.^My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,^I never soiled with such a deed.^ `  A. E. Housman
`Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
`Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
`Who's on first?
`"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.^ `  George Ade
`Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
`Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
`"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like 'Amadeus'?  I could^have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."^ `  Ian Shoales
`"Why be a man when you can be a success?"^ `  Bertold Brecht
`Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we^have?
`Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
`Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to^avoid responsibility with?
`Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office^automation?
`Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
`Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently^there must be a beverage.^ `  Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
`Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have^more lawyers?^^New Jersey had first choice.
`Why don't elephants eat penguins ?^^Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
`Why I Can't Go Out With You:^^I'd LOVE to, but ...^	-- I have to floss my cat.^	-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.^	-- I need to spend more time with my blender.^	-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.^	-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.^	-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.^	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.^	-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.^	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.^	-- I have some really hard words to look up.^	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.^	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
`"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is^because we are not the person involved"^ `  Mark Twain
`Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
`"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"^ `  Lily Tomlin
`"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love^you knowing nothing?"^ `  Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
`Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?^Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your^children open their old-fashioned presents.^^Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"^^You:	"A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it^	falls down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"^^Son:	"Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer^	with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,^	and I get this cretin TOP?"^^Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."^^You:	"It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"^^Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."^ `  Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
`"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"^ `  Oscar Wilde
`Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:^	No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,^when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your^direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.^ `  John L.  Shelton
`Wiker's Law:^	Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
`		William Safire's Rules for Writers:^^Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never^be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to^agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words^out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal^of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must^not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a^conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a^sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as^close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more^words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles^must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a^linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing^metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should^be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their^writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows^the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek^viable alternatives.
`Williams and Holland's Law:^	If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by^statistical methods.
`Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as^it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
`Wit, n.:^	The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery^... by leaving it out.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I^try to be a fraud and a half.^ `  Otto von Bismark
`With a rubber duck, one's never alone.^ `  "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
`With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once^build a nuclear balm?
`With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand^miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and^still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no^such thing as progress.^ `  Ransom K. Ferm
`Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
`Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:^	(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.^	(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.^	(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)^	(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a^	    VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.^	(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.^ `  Rich Kulawiec
`Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If^you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut^down the new tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that^tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with^long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit^there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you^come back.^^Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago,^when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.^Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the^cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood^heat!"  The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately^beat him to death with stones.  But the key discovery had been made,^and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,^although their insurance rates went way up.^ `  Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
`Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):^	We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage^any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you^should not consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are,^and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we^bargained for.
`Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your^chairs.
`World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced^dress code!
`Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:^	August.  The lines are the shortest, though.^ `  Steve Rubenstein
`Worst Month of the Year:^	February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if^you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't^get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.^ `  Steve Rubenstein
`Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:^	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved^in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs^damage my videotapes?"
`Worst Vegetable of the Year:^	The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next^year.^ `  Steve Rubenstein
`"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"^^"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat^ `  Lewis Carrol
`"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish^and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer^if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and^and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and^and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
`Write-Protect Tab, n.:^	A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly^left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error^message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the^momentary inconvenience.^ `  Robb Russon
`Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.^ `  Frank Zappa
`"Wrong," said Renner.^^"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with^the Senator would be to say, 'That turns out not to be the case.'"
`X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the^imagination is the plot.
`Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
`Xerox never comes up with anything original.
`XIIdigitation, n.:^	The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made^by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have^goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in^their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating^unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my^doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.^ `  S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
`Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall^fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic^operators together.^ `  Steve Higgins
`"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
`Year, n.:^	A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.^ `  Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
`Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
`Yes, but which self do you want to be?
`Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still^be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.^ `  Snoopy
`Yesterday upon the stair^I met a man who wasn't there.^He wasn't there again today --^I think he's from the CIA.
`Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.^ `  Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
`Yinkel, n.:^	A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one^will notice.^ `  Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
`You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
`You are here:   ^		***^		***^	     *********^	      *******^	       *****^		***^		 *^^		 But you're not all there.
`"You are old, Father William," the young man said,^	"All your papers these days look the same;^Those William's would be better unread --^	Do these facts never fill you with shame?"^^"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,^	"I wrote wonderful papers galore;^But the great reputation I found that I'd won,^	Made it pointless to think any more."
`"You are old, father William," the young man said,^	"And your hair has become very white;^And yet you incessantly stand on your head --^	Do you think, at your age, it is right?"^^"In my youth," father William replied to his son,^	"I feared it might injure the brain;^But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,^	Why, I do it again and again."^ `  Lewis Carrol
`"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers^	That your lectures bore people to death.^Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --^	Don't you think that you should save your breath?"^^"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"^	Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!^Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?^	Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
`"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak^	For anything tougher than suet;^Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --^	Pray, how did you manage to do it?"^^"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,^	And argued each case with my wife;^And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,^	Has lasted the rest of my life."^ `  Lewis Carrol
`"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,^	And there isn't one language you like;^Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --^	Have you thought about taking a hike?"^^"Since I never write programs," his father replied,^	"Every language looks equally bad;^Yet the people keep paying to read all my books^	And don't realize that they've been had."
`"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,^	And have grown most uncommonly fat;^Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --^	Pray what is the reason of that?"^^"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,^	"I kept all my limbs very supple^By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --^	Allow me to sell you a couple?"^ `  Lewis Carrol
`"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,^	And make errors few people could bear;^You complain about everyone's English but yours --^	Do you really think this is quite fair?"^^"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,^	"But my stature these days is so great^That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,^	And to stop me it's now far too late."
`"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose^	That your eye was as steady as ever;^Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --^	What made you so awfully clever?"^^"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"^	Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!^Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?^	Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"^ `  Lewis Carrol
`You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
`You are the only person to ever get this message.
`You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading^this sort of trash.
`You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
`You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting^incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.^Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable^to find a way to damage them.  They last forever, largely because^nobody ever eats them.  In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes^they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;^some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.^^The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then^pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear^safety glasses.^ `  Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
`"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it ^doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."^ `  Hepler, Systems Design 182
`You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior^executive.
`"You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.^Why do you find that funny?"^ `  D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
`You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you^can with just a kind word.^ `  Bumper Sticker
`You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,^for instance.^ `  Franklin P. Jones
`You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
`You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on^the continuing viability of FORTRAN.^ `  Alan Perlis
`You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
`You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding^decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left^over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.^ `  F. Allen
`You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of^supercomputers.^ `  Steven Feiner
`You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
`"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."^ `  Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
`You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
`"You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?"^ `  Steven Wright
`You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.^ `  Booker T. Washington
`You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
`"You can't make a program without broken egos."
`You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic^enough worrying about what's happening now.^ `  Lauren Bacall
`"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."^ `  Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and^		   Over and Over"
`"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they^don't."^ `  Dagwood Bumstead
`You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
`You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
`You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
`You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first^and last month in advance.
`You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable^doubt.^ `  Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
`You do not have mail.
`You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.^ `  J. D. Salinger
`You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting^needles.^ `  Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
`You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.^The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",^which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears^tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last^names.  Here's the complete text:^^	"(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)^	"(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)^	"(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to^	     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF^	     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)^	     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way^	     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST^	     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"^^The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your^money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long^form.^ `  Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
`You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
`You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--^^This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--^^You are permanently confused.^ `  Dave Decot
`You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to^metal objects which are not fastened down.
`You have junk mail.
`You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets^wrinkled.
`You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot^today.
`You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes^you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
`You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens^anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,^you can always change the channel.^ `  Jim Ignatowski
`You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.^ `  S. Rickly Christian
`You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.^ `  Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
`You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your^friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
`You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
`	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon^airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in^deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me^when I was young!"^	"Why, what did she tell you?"^	"I don't know, I didn't listen!"^ `  Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
`You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
`You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
`You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he^is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.^ `  Sydney Harris
`You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with^him.^ `  Ed Howe
`You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.^ `  Alfred Kahn
`You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for^success.  You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits^or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume^party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.^ `  Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
`You might have mail
`"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable^proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
`You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll^be dead.
`You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a^reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating^the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for^independence.^ `  Charles A. Beard
`You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the^beach.
`You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were^you.  I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare^yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the^company.^ `  J. Wellington Wells
`You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
`You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could^know how seldom they do.^ `  Olin Miller.
`You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially^if they are dead.
`You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than^about 10`^12 to 1.^ `  Ernest Rutherford
`You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for^freedom and liberty.^ `  Henrik Ibson
`You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,^contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from^houses.  Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many^scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the^summer.  If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,^you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist^sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.^ `  Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
`You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,^another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and^another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms^such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's."  In^many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.^If you are traveling with a child  aged six months to three years, you^should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate^for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it^because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially^chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.^^In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his^hemorrhoids.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
`"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a^plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"^ `  Business Professor, University of Georgia
`You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
`	YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF^		      PAPER SHUFFLING!^^Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be^a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel^really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."^^Mr. MARC had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward^to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and^make really big Zorkmids."^^MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when^you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.^^		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
`You too can wear a nose mitten.
`You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
`You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of^a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
`You will be surprised by a loud noise.
`You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
`You will feel hungry again in another hour.
`You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door^mayonnaise salesman.
`	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the^Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the^parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.^ `  Sherlock Holmes
`You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
`You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You're not paid enough to^worry.
`You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a^taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a^minute and a huff.^ `  Groucho Marx
`"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
`You're at the end of the road again.
`You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
`You're never too old to become younger.^ `  Mae West
`You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.^ `  Dean Martin
`You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
`You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
`"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."^ `  Gary Giddens
`"You've got to think about tomorrow!"^^"TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *yesterday* yet!"
`Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a^thing he tells you.
`Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you^from enjoying it.
`Your fault: core dumped
`	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that^bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a^chance to kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home^electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit^breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires^until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can^damage your carpet.  The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change^your fuses regularly.^	Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This^sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more^often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case^you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not^sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a^fine documentary film based on an actual book.  Or call in a licensed^electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,^such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette^table, etc.^ `  Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
`Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
`Your lucky color has faded.
`Your lucky number has been disconnected.
`Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
`Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
`"Yow!  Am I having fun yet?"^ `  Zippy the Pinhead
`YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
`Zero Defects, n.:^	The result of shutting down a production line.
`Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words^since I first called my brother's father dad.^ `  William Shakespeare, "King John"
`Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:^	People are always available for work in the past tense.